Advice Please: Time to Walk Away?


Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
lily9 is offline lily9 Post #1  May 19,2009, 5:23pm
lily9's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: May 2009

Posts: 1

See profile

Hi, I'm new to this forum, but wanted to get some advice.

I've been with my boyfriend for about a year (meet on here) and he has only recently said "I love you" after my bringing up my concerns about the lack of the words a couple of times. When he did say it, it was followed by a "but". He has concerns about somethings about me and having a life together -- I'm not that driven in my career, tend to let things slide at home. His concerns are somewhat legitimate, but I'm far from a slacker -- fairly high level of education, good job, very independent, and have my own comfortable apartment, although it can get a bit cluttered and I often don't have many groceries.

I question his love and a future together. And I'm at the point of not knowing how I feel anymore (I felt love earlier but have not said it). I'm not sure about investing more of myself and my time into a relationship/love that seems so uncertain after a year. I'm approaching 30 while the bf is a few years younger. I also had a four-year relationship end a couple of years ago that devasted me and don't really want to head down the same road, but also think it would be a mistake to let go.

Part of me knows the relationship doesn't seem quite right (he also broke up with me a few months into the relationship because felt relationship pressure from me, not sure how he felt), but there is also a lot of good in the relationship and about him. I'm usually happiest with him, especially when we are alone, and we are compatabile in many ways - personality, some values and interests. And the thought of being without him makes me feel so sad. He did say he loved me and I guess it's natural for people to have uncertainity?

Any advice on staying, going, giving it time?

Thank you very much for any input.
 
  Reply With Quote
MsSusie is offline MsSusie Post #2  May 19,2009, 6:45pm
MsSusie's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: May 2009

Seattle

Posts: 6

See profile

Lily, Lily, Lily
Walk away! Re-read what you wrote "part of me knows the relationship doesn't seem quite right"
Listen to what your heart & soul is telling you, we've all been there but it ain't going to change.

Have Strength!
 
  Reply With Quote
bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #3  May 19,2009, 8:12pm
bigfincat's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Nov 2008

Posts: 4,077

See profile

The issues that you bring up sound pretty minor.

I do think that a relationship should bring you more happiness than you are implying.

Hard to say but things don't sound bad with you 2 with the information that have provided.

It is very hard for me to get a real idea of your feelings or his & that is all that is important here.
 
  Reply With Quote
mikem is offline mikem Post #4  May 19,2009, 10:13pm
mikem's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Dec 2008

Posts: 16

See profile

I think that you are gut is telling you something. When something 'doesn't feel right' it's usually a sign of something that ends up being backed up when some telling evidence later on. I would definantly listen to your gut, because I think there is something not quit right about this relationship. If it were the right situation I think it would be going a little smoother and their would be more clarity and sense of well-being.
 
  Reply With Quote
Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #5  May 19,2009, 11:33pm

Veteran

Joined: Mar 2009

East Coast

Posts: 1,079

See profile

I think that you are pressuring him because your entering middle age and your friends and family are wondering? You bullied him into that I love you, but couldn't bring yourself to say it to him.

I think that you have some unfinished business from your 4 year relationship that are carrying over into the new one and your waiting for the old one to come back to you. (never happen.)

The one spot that your not looking at is at yourself and a general observation of you and your life style, " have my own comfortable apartment, although it can get a bit cluttered and I often don't have many groceries."Well what message are you saying to people? Fix the old and the new will grow and blossom.

Harvey7
Last edited by Harvey7; May 19,2009 at 11:42pm.
 
  Reply With Quote
k374 is offline k374 Post #6  May 19,2009, 11:50pm
k374's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Jan 2009

Posts: 130

See profile

After a year together if he is not sure if he loves you or not then he will never ever be sure, it's your choice to stay or leave but my advice would be that if you stay high chances that it will lead to even more heartache than if you just end it now.

And there is no such thing as "I love you but...", he either loves you as you are without reservation or he is not the right guy for you.

Just my $0.02
 
  Reply With Quote
DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #7  May 20,2009, 3:18am
DancingFool's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: Jan 2009

Posts: 5,750

See profile

Well.....you kind of bullied him into saying "I love you" which makes it kind of meaningless, especially with the "but" thrown in there. After a year neither one of you should have that kind of uncertainty. Read your own post back to yourself - what advice would you give to a stranger if you read that?

What I'm reading is that your relationship is somewhat comfortable but ultimately not right for either one of you. The age pressure and the time investment is creating pressure for you to try to make this work, but really you'll just end up in an LTR where another year or two from now you'll be asking why won't he marry you and why does he keep coming up with excuses for that.
 
  Reply With Quote
sodone is offline sodone Post #8  May 20,2009, 4:20am
sodone's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Mar 2009

Posts: 99

See profile

Late 20's is approaching middle age? really? wow
 
  Reply With Quote
ngawildflower is offline ngawildflower Post #9  May 20,2009, 5:06am
ngawildflower's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jul 2008

Smyrna, GA

Posts: 30

See profile

lily9 wrote :
Hi, I'm new to this forum, but wanted to get some advice.

I've been with my boyfriend for about a year (meet on here) and he has only recently said "I love you" after my bringing up my concerns about the lack of the words a couple of times. When he did say it, it was followed by a "but". He has concerns about somethings about me and having a life together -- I'm not that driven in my career, tend to let things slide at home. His concerns are somewhat legitimate, but I'm far from a slacker -- fairly high level of education, good job, very independent, and have my own comfortable apartment, although it can get a bit cluttered and I often don't have many groceries.

I question his love and a future together. And I'm at the point of not knowing how I feel anymore (I felt love earlier but have not said it). I'm not sure about investing more of myself and my time into a relationship/love that seems so uncertain after a year. I'm approaching 30 while the bf is a few years younger. I also had a four-year relationship end a couple of years ago that devasted me and don't really want to head down the same road, but also think it would be a mistake to let go.

Part of me knows the relationship doesn't seem quite right (he also broke up with me a few months into the relationship because felt relationship pressure from me, not sure how he felt), but there is also a lot of good in the relationship and about him. I'm usually happiest with him, especially when we are alone, and we are compatabile in many ways - personality, some values and interests. And the thought of being without him makes me feel so sad. He did say he loved me and I guess it's natural for people to have uncertainity?

Any advice on staying, going, giving it time?

Thank you very much for any input.
I'm in almost this same situation and needing the same advise only I've been with my bf 2 years, met on eH, and we are truly middle age at both 48!. He has yet to say I love you and I won't pressure him to say it as it is worthless if you do. He tells me how he was "madly in love" with his ex wife before he married her. We are comfortable together, enjoy doing the same things, he hugs and kisses me, but he hasn't told me he loves me nor does he call me any terms of endearment, nor does he return a smile when I smile at him. Yet, he talks as though he wants to move toward a more permanent committment (marriage or moving in together and probably marriage). I have cold feet here. Yet I'm not sure if I should completely throw in the towel and stop waisting my time and move on??? Anyone's thoughts????
 
  Reply With Quote
DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #10  May 20,2009, 7:19am
DancingFool's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: Jan 2009

Posts: 5,750

See profile

ngawildflower,

Sometimes actions speak much louder than words. The real question is are you both happy in your relationship and do you feel fullfilled in it? He may be telling you how madly he was in love with his ex, but did he tell her that? Or maybe he is taking a cooler approach because things did not exactly work out with his ex. Ultimately it all still goes back to the same thing - are you happy and getting what you need out of this relationship?
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« NEED HELP | Relationships | She's leaving me...how to get out into the real world again »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
New Discussion Board System for eHarmony Advice! eharmony Dating 172 July 17,2009 10:02pm
2nd time this happends.... help me! star89 Relationships 13 June 11,2009 9:27am
Time zone shown: Wafflehouse Using eHarmony 2 May 22,2009 9:33am
New Discussion Board System for eHarmony Advice! eharmony Using eHarmony 0 May 13,2009 12:48am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Absolutely not. I have no idea why allowing gays to marry would affect anyone's lives, unless they're sexually insecure about themselves.” –  sun73

Join the “Did our President give up the election for a single issue?” discussion

“I learned that the woman's communication style has to fit mine or else it won't work.” –  sun73

Join the “Why do 40 yr olds still play games?” discussion

“Here's where to email if you think a match might be a fraud: matchconcerns@eharmony.com . Tell them the match's name and location so they can find them. If what's making you suspicious is an email ... ” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Match from another country...is he a "fraud"?” discussion

“I know you clarified you just want a general opinion on when people bring this subject up, but I'm going to give you both that and also what I believe you should do. The general idea most of the ... ” –  Herkemer

Join the “When is it time to discuss your position on having kids?” discussion

“And that's a very valid point. I get the feeling that eHarmony is keeping their price high to show they they are not cheap and therefore, their members are serious.It seems to me that combining the ... ” –  MicMan

Join the “Free Communication Weekend” discussion

“How long have you all been on EH? Thanks for the advice. I signed on in late April 2012 but have been on other dating sites in the past.” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “New Here” discussion

“The only one that bothers me is the "they weren't his kids so meh ..." But there could be a whole world of story behind that. Like "she dumped me and it was painful and I hated losing the kids in ... ” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 11:48am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0