Curious about women in the 40's


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cath817 is offline cath817 Post #21  June 2,2009, 5:02am
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I left my ex after 17 years. He provided very well financially for the children and me but he was very controlling and critical even though it was often cloaked in "humor." I was not included in any financial decisions, but was expected to work full time and deposit my check into the joint account. My input was not welcomed in any decisions regarding the family. On the rare occasion he asked my opinion, he always chose the opposite of what I wanted. I was not allowed to ask for assistance with anything on the house or kids...I was to "deal with it." I'm sure I wasn't faultless, but when someone finds fault with your actions, your conversation and even your laugh...how do you really know what you have to work on?

When it got to the point that I started feeling nauseous every time he was in same room, I figured it was time to leave. We tried counselling only after I told him I was done with the marriage. When I said it was too late, because I'd been begging for years for us to go, he then told the kids I was breaking up our happy home. We ended up going to one session because HE wanted to go to show the kids it was my fault we were splitting. He played it well in the session and then the way home said he didn't see that it would do any good, but we'd keep going if that's what I wanted.

I divorced him almost 11 years ago when I was 40 and while it's been a struggle sometimes, I've never felt better about myself. Our kids have also told me that they like me much better now that I'm not married to their dad. I never criticized him to the kids because I figured they'd see him as he really is on their own. Our son has an ok relationship with him, but our daughter barely speaks to him because he treated her with his typical "women are property" attitude.

He's since remarried and at our daughter's wedding was sitting and complaining continually about his new wife of 8 months at the reception. She hadn't come along because her daughter was in school and they live overseas.

My divorce had nothing to do with hormones or another man waiting in the background. I'm still single, working full time at a job I enjoy (he hates my job) and have a great relationship with both kids.
 
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brightly is offline brightly Post #22  June 2,2009, 7:13am
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I admired you, you are a very brave woman.
 
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degriffs is offline degriffs Post #23  June 2,2009, 1:21pm
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Ah, well being newly divoreced and in my 40's....

It is not a "female thing." After 27 years, my ex went into full blown sexual addition mode and was mean as could be when he drank. He was an MD. I walked on egg shells when he was home, trying to NOT anger him for some very small incident (left a mug in the sink or openned a bottle of wine without his permission).

I tried to get us into therapy - but BOTH people have to want to work things out in the marriage and within them selves/

And, I find that trying to focus the problem on the sex, race, or age of a person tends to muddy what the problem really is.
 
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