Yes, I had a similar experience - I divorced my spouse after 22 years of marriage. He never thought I would leave, just ignored the years of trying to communicate with him and did whatever he wanted. I spent the last three years of the marriage believing that he would actually care enough to work on the family issues. Though I offered individual counseling, he said it was my problem and I could go if I wanted but it was not his problem. I did. Later tried a church based program of one weekend together with follow up support once a week for 7 weeks. He went to the weekend and put in the time but no real change came out of it. He refused to do the follow-up exercises or go to the 7 reinforcing sessions - new habits need reinforcement to stick. It was always too much money or work took a priority over family. Finally, I suggested talking with our pastor. He blew up and refused to go because the church confirmed the appt with me and not him. Stormed out of the house and moved to a job across the country.

The bottom line was he was always trying to avoid with work, use money as an excuse, or move to a different location to address the problems. When that did not work he began to manipulate by tying up accounts, making legal threats, and holding our family's spiritual life as a bargaining chip.

I had to accept that the many years I had put into the marriage were to be of service to him, not to create and maintain a healthy partnership of mutual respect.

I was terribly sad when I had to file for divorce. He made everything as financially and emotionally difficult for the children and me as he could.

He announced that he was getting married 4 mo. after the divorce was final. I hoped that he would find happiness and we might finally have some peace. But after less than a year of punitive withdrawal from the children he enlisted his new spouse to aid him in legally coming after the children. He has made our lives a financial, emotional, and legal nightmare of threats, intimidation, and manipulation for the last 2 years. I unfortunately see no end in sight. The legal system allows him to continue to attempt to punish us without any acknowledgment of the mutilation that is occurring to what was once a family that needed professional counseling support.

That being told, it was not age, not hormones, not greener grass, or boredom of the same person for 20 years. It was a lack of respect for one individual's needs, the needs of a healthy balanced partnership, and the responsibility to the children to have their health, educational, and emotional requirements met even if they had special needs that he did not accept or believe from the educational and medical professionals that evaluated them.

Ours was a situation that required listening with compassion and understanding not defensiveness. But I hear and see that happen all too often in communications between people. One person is trying to express their frustration and needs and all the other hears is how it affects them.

I once had a very wise pastor explain his frustration and pain in dealing with people on a regular basis. He said, "People all to often take offense when none was intended". This was from a person VERY devoted to caring for others in a spiritually inspired and value based manner. So you can imagine how easily the rest of us struggle.

I am so very sorry for your pain and frustration. I hope that you find a partner that shares your same values and same level of commitment to them in your search for answers and a fulfilling relationship.