Curious about women in the 40's


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noseyparker is offline noseyparker Post #11  May 21,2009, 6:42am
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Last edited by noseyparker; May 23,2009 at 10:48pm.
 
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SoOverIt is offline SoOverIt Post #12  May 21,2009, 7:14am
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Maybe you decided that since she'd stuck around for 20yrs she wasn't going anywhere and gave up being in an actual relationship with her. That's the usual reason for a woman of any age to dump a guy.
 
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BobinFla is offline BobinFla Post #13  May 22,2009, 10:46pm
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It sounds like the OP and his partner has done what many have done, failed to communicate when it was important.
 
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gaspar18 is offline gaspar18 Post #14  May 23,2009, 7:57am
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Wow -- only beloved0000 called it out -- with a profile picture like that bagpiper looks like a "Wanted" poster at the DHS or Postal Inspector. Dude, I wouldn't fret about coming off as 'sexist' so much as ... well, you get it. Coming from a bellicose Scots clan I find the amusement in it, but I've observed women (even the brazen smarta$%es) have a short fuse for enduring sarcasm, 'gallows' humour, aggressive intensity etc. in the context of a committed relationship, maybe you did pretty well being in for 20 years. My own profile picture was on the somber slope, but it can't top that -- Braw!
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outlaw1 is offline outlaw1 Post #15  May 23,2009, 8:56am

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The below is not meant to be sexist or hurt anyone's feelings. Be warned! It's about women and the fathers of their children. If this topic upsets you, please turn off your computer now!

According to a program about the sexes on TV, it's hormonal (besides having a bad mate, etc.) Why? Well back in the CavePeople's time when Ogga the Cavewoman's children were a certain age, she pushed away the father.

This was done so women would get different sp erm. Otherwise the race might not have lasted (what happened if Ogga's first husband was infertile?) Bottomline the show said women push away the fathers of their children.

When I was married I noticed the same pattern. Guys were holding on tight to their marriages (the ones who had better jobs/more $ tended to last longer in marriage) avoiding recently divorced men like the plague!

My theory is when a woman is 30 or has children, most start to dislike men (or maybe just one male-her partner.) Another reason might be the interaction between the genders. And all that women do for men.

Also since women remember things, when bad images build up, maybe she can't emotionally relate to that man anymore?
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #16  May 23,2009, 11:24am
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Here's a thought that might be controversial. It's also a generalization and therefore subject to the usual disclaimers. Long-term marriage is largely beneficiail to men. Divorce is largely detrimental to men. The double standards of society are largely beneficial to men (the acceptance of infidelity if that is present, the social stigma of of being a single woman...). Therefore, men are more willing to stay in a marriage that is not all that. Women, on the other hand, who have followed a traditional path of early marriage are more likely to re-evaluate their lives as they age and find something lacking.

I left my marriage after 4 years. That was 20 years ago. He had already checked out long before I left, in the sense of not being willing to communicate and work through issues. If I thought there was a problem, it was my problem. If I was unhappy there was something wrong with me. I've not remarried because I've not found a man whose thinking goes beyond getting comfortable and ceasing to make an effort (and I'm leaving out the liars, cheaters and others of generally questionabe character).

I consider myself fortunate to have had friends in a wide range of ages and to have had experiences by my late 20s that were well beyond the scope of many of my peers. I basically had my mid-life crisis early. I chose to end a marriage that, although I loved the man I married, I viewed as not moving in a direction that was going to nurture my growth, either as an individual or as a partner in that relationship.

I've learned in subsequent conversations with my husband (and with his two subsequent wives) that my perceptions were not faulty. Had I stayed there's little doubt I'd be making the same choice much later in life, and starting over with less in the way of tools to begin again. As it is, I've used the time since to finish a college degree, develop good careers in two different fields, and spend a lot of time pursuing activities that are rewarding to me, rather than simply catering to someone's else's needs or serving as an auxillary to their life.

That doesn't mean I wouldn't welcome a partner at this point in my life, but it would have to be someone who respected and appreciated my growth to date, and my desire for continued fulfillment. In other words, my table is well laden with a fairly rich banquet. I want someone who brings something to the table, not someone who wants to know why I cooked carrots instead of broccoli as a side dish.

There are some key indicators in your OP...but you are the only one who can examine the facts from as objective a standpoint as you can reach and determine if you really, truly communicated with your wife, made her priorites your priorities, and did everything you could, every day, to make the relationship meaningful. If you did those things, and she left, then you can stand proud knowing you did all the right things and will be able to do so again should you meet someone you care about enough to make yourself vulnerable. If you didn't, you can learn from the experience.

The loss of a parent can trigger some issues as well. If the relationship was a very close or a very troubled one and the underlying issues were never dealt with, the loss can free a whole range of emotions and responses that are unexpected and unsettling.

Most of all, I'm sorry this happened to you, regardless of the accountability or reasons. It is a hard thing to have your life as you know it end and have to rebuild from the rubble.

And I like the avatar : )
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; May 23,2009 at 11:26am.
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #17  May 23,2009, 4:30pm
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I agree, LBMM, I like the pic, too!

All women are different, so our reasons for leaving are all different as well. Me? I left a 13-year marriage because it took that long to get the strength and the nerve (he was an angry alcoholic and a manipulator). I finally got to the point where I decided I just couldn't take his carp anymore, and I didn't care if it meant I was eating mac and cheese and ramen for the next 20 years. It would absolutely be worth it.

Sometimes it's hormonal, sometimes it's a final straw that breaks the camel's back, sometimes it's finding friends who love you enough to tell you that you deserve happiness. Sometimes it's believing soaps are how life should really be or listening to that guy at work who flirts with you every day. It really depends.

Oh, my 2nd ex? He cheated, so I kicked him to the curb. That one was much easier.

I'm sorry to hear you couldn't work things out, but I'm glad you feel like you can bring up issues here and get some real feedback. Without knowing what happened, though, it's kind of hard to say. It's pretty unusual for a woman to just take a hike without mentioning why at least a few thousand times before then, but I know for a fact that it does happen. Feel free to vent here as much as you like.
 
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JaneJane is offline JaneJane Post #18  May 23,2009, 5:11pm
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Well I was 38 when I left after 7 years of marriage. My mistake to be honest was I should never have married him - except for our two kids it was a mistake as he was always yelling, smoked pot and was financially irresponsible. (I did not know about the pot prior to marriage as he had lied about it). Post divorce: not pretty. Life raising kids alone is very difficult. I am still single at 52.
 
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JaneJane is offline JaneJane Post #19  May 23,2009, 5:26pm
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It is true - I didn't just walk out; I stopped wearing a ring a year before I left. And we went to counseling; and my counselor referred me to a divorce attorney. I wanted my marriage to work. We tried but he smoked pot daily and was financially irresponsible. Now - 15 years later; he has filed bancruptcy. I have no credit card debt. The problems? it is no picnic raising kids alone. I probably would have waited till they were 18 if I could have foreseen the future. I'm sorry your marriage did not work out - it is sad that you were together for so long and this happened.
 
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southernhart is offline southernhart Post #20  June 2,2009, 4:25am
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bagpiper wrote :
I hope I do not come off sexist; I am curious about women in their 40's that divorce. My wife of 20 years recently divorced me. The last 4 years were hell. It just seemed like something snapped in her. It didn't help that her father died 2 years ago. I feel like I tried everything to repair the relationship to no avail. Is this a hormonal issue? Is there a "Grass is greener..." mentality? Do women often regret getting divorced after being married for so long?
Yes, I had a similar experience - I divorced my spouse after 22 years of marriage. He never thought I would leave, just ignored the years of trying to communicate with him and did whatever he wanted. I spent the last three years of the marriage believing that he would actually care enough to work on the family issues. Though I offered individual counseling, he said it was my problem and I could go if I wanted but it was not his problem. I did. Later tried a church based program of one weekend together with follow up support once a week for 7 weeks. He went to the weekend and put in the time but no real change came out of it. He refused to do the follow-up exercises or go to the 7 reinforcing sessions - new habits need reinforcement to stick. It was always too much money or work took a priority over family. Finally, I suggested talking with our pastor. He blew up and refused to go because the church confirmed the appt with me and not him. Stormed out of the house and moved to a job across the country.

The bottom line was he was always trying to avoid with work, use money as an excuse, or move to a different location to address the problems. When that did not work he began to manipulate by tying up accounts, making legal threats, and holding our family's spiritual life as a bargaining chip.

I had to accept that the many years I had put into the marriage were to be of service to him, not to create and maintain a healthy partnership of mutual respect.

I was terribly sad when I had to file for divorce. He made everything as financially and emotionally difficult for the children and me as he could.

He announced that he was getting married 4 mo. after the divorce was final. I hoped that he would find happiness and we might finally have some peace. But after less than a year of punitive withdrawal from the children he enlisted his new spouse to aid him in legally coming after the children. He has made our lives a financial, emotional, and legal nightmare of threats, intimidation, and manipulation for the last 2 years. I unfortunately see no end in sight. The legal system allows him to continue to attempt to punish us without any acknowledgment of the mutilation that is occurring to what was once a family that needed professional counseling support.

That being told, it was not age, not hormones, not greener grass, or boredom of the same person for 20 years. It was a lack of respect for one individual's needs, the needs of a healthy balanced partnership, and the responsibility to the children to have their health, educational, and emotional requirements met even if they had special needs that he did not accept or believe from the educational and medical professionals that evaluated them.

Ours was a situation that required listening with compassion and understanding not defensiveness. But I hear and see that happen all too often in communications between people. One person is trying to express their frustration and needs and all the other hears is how it affects them.

I once had a very wise pastor explain his frustration and pain in dealing with people on a regular basis. He said, "People all to often take offense when none was intended". This was from a person VERY devoted to caring for others in a spiritually inspired and value based manner. So you can imagine how easily the rest of us struggle.

I am so very sorry for your pain and frustration. I hope that you find a partner that shares your same values and same level of commitment to them in your search for answers and a fulfilling relationship.
 
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