is he really ready to get married yet????


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overyou is offline overyou Post #1  May 17,2009, 3:50am
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hopes for a clear answer

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I have been in an 8 years relationship. we started since college. after college he entered into military service training and now he's working for the country. we have agreed that after his training we will get married since we have been together for long, etc, etc. Last year i went overseas and got back home to attend his graduation from the training. I've noticed that i have become his last priority since everytime somebody calls for alcohol drinking or cuppa he jumps out of bed quickly and swwwoossshhh he's out there with his friends or family.

But then before i came back home, we exchange txt msgs everytime, calls 3-5 times a week and we even do skype very often so it really felt like everything is all good despite the long distance.

2 hours before my flight back to overseas, i asked him why does it feel like you don't love me anymore? I don't see any interest of you to be getting the moon, stars, etc. like what you always say before?? and then he answered: "I don't know. I cannot understand myself either." And that really broke my heart! I am desperately asking him where have all the 8 years relationship gone??? and he's just quiet.

And now i am going back home for good since my visa will expire soon and i really don't know what to do next. I am trying to move on but honestly i don't know how. He doesn't send any msg at all since i told him not to show any signs from him anymore!

Oh my!!! please let me know what to do!?!?! please!!!
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  May 17,2009, 2:27pm
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I’d say it’s extraordinarily unlikely this man will marry you. I don’t see the duration of your relationship as having any relevance.
 
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overyou is offline overyou Post #3  May 17,2009, 5:32pm
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whew! i have seen the warning that's in your profile, would you mind if i ask? have you been in the same situation before? i mean could have been possible that he's not minding the years spent?

Thanks very much for the reply!
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  May 18,2009, 2:05am
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It's interesting that you are focusing on the time spent rather than the quality or state of your relationship. Do either one of you still care for the other or are you focused on marriage purely because that is what you've been expecting especially given the time invested in the relationship? Time itself really does not have any relevance - you can date for six months and 50 years later still be happily married or you can date for 10 years and never get married.
 
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overyou is offline overyou Post #5  May 18,2009, 4:09am
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I care for him but it seemed like he is not. We'll i've told him to let me move on by not showing any signs from him and he's really done that. Honestly i told him those words due to my anger. Actually it's like saying go away! but psychologically means please stay....???

I myself have been expecting and really sat on it's him since we've been together for long. I felt he was as well because i have seen his dedication for the preparation but then i really don't know just in a span of a year that something happened to him. No third party involved but i don't see his interest in me in any angle.

well i don't know; i really, really don't know

Thank you very much for the reply... I appreciate your thoughts, it's giving me a bright side to cope.

I hope more replies to come because i'm desperately in need of a help
 
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healthb is offline healthb Post #6  May 18,2009, 6:53am
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overyou wrote :
I care for him but it seemed like he is not. We'll i've told him to let me move on by not showing any signs from him and he's really done that. Honestly i told him those words due to my anger. Actually it's like saying go away! but psychologically means please stay....???

I myself have been expecting and really sat on it's him since we've been together for long. I felt he was as well because i have seen his dedication for the preparation but then i really don't know just in a span of a year that something happened to him. No third party involved but i don't see his interest in me in any angle.

well i don't know; i really, really don't know

Thank you very much for the reply... I appreciate your thoughts, it's giving me a bright side to cope.

I hope more replies to come because i'm desperately in need of a help
I hate to say this, but I don't think he is into you and what's more, I think he has problems. I dated a fellow I met on eH who told me after a few dates that he dated a woman for a decade and never married her! I pushed this aside for a little while, but the more I thought about it, the more selfish I thought he was for not doing the admirable thing and breaking it off. Instead, they just both stayed stagnant and never learned anything.

With the exception of my first boyfriend, I give men a year, usually I know sooner if he is Mr. Wrong. If they don't know what they want with me after that, I help them with their dilemma by walking out the door. It's hard and painful in many ways, but better that than wasting time on Mr. Wrong. There may be more women in the world than men, but the more respect you show for yourself and what you have to offer, the more options you have.

These days, it seems as though women have to be much tougher than men. The more I deal with dating issues in a logical manner, fewer emotions and show I can walk away, the more they want me. I just wished I had handled dating more this way in the past, I would have been saved a lot of heartache and wasted time. Better late than never though.
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #7  May 18,2009, 9:01am
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I am sorry you found yourself in this position. I think most likely this attitude of your guy's has been building for a long while. I think when he got away from you while at boot camp things became clearer for him but he is too much of a wimp to break things off.

I suggest you move on. Do the after relationship cleaning of deleting his phone number from your cell and any email addresses or phone number on your computer. Then block his email and cell, toss out any reminders of him. This will make getting over him easier. Good Luck
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #8  May 18,2009, 1:10pm
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Well......if what you want is marriage, then you have to put an expiration date on your relationships. For most people somewhere between 6 months and a year and a half is enough to have a pretty good idea whether the relationship would work in the long run or not. It's wise to stick to that to some extent.

As for your relationship in particular, well....it's hard to give you advice. After ten years the least that you two can do is cool off a little and have a hear to heart conversation about what is going on between the two of you. A calm conversation. Also, when you tell a guy to leave you alone, don't be surprised that he does. In this case you may want to wave an olive branch first and then talk and figure out how you two really feel. In fact figure out how do you honestly feel about your relationship? Do you really want to marry him or do you just want to get married? Would your life with him be happy or not so much? Do you think that marriage would fix the problems you are having - it won't by the way. Anyway, some questions for you to consider as you try to figure this out. Best of luck to you.
 
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overyou is offline overyou Post #9  May 19,2009, 3:53am
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I have actually tried to throw all the stuffs that he has given me - as in everything! but when i came across with the necklace that his mum has bought for the engagement, i became so weak to run after the garbage truck!
so what i only did was just stuck it in the storage room and thinking to give back to his mum when i'm so much ready. Have i done the right thing??

Maybe he's got his mind cleared when we were away but i just can't help wondering what in the world happened????

I went for a disco last saturday night but after all of the dancing and drinking, i still found myself desperately lonely
 
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logicalmind is offline logicalmind Post #10  July 4,2009, 5:32pm
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healing from a break-up of an 8 year relationship is going to take time. give yourself this opportunity to mend yourself and do not worry so much about what your ex is doing or thinking. I know it is difficult, however, it appears as though the relationship is over. The only thing you can do at this point is move on. The best part of moving on, my dear, is moving on to someone who does want to get married and share a lifetime of love and happiness with you. And it will happen...you have it to give, therefore it will come back to you.
 
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