Do I stick it out, even though there is no "spark"?


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Greygirl is offline Greygirl Post #1  May 16,2009, 4:28pm
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is conflicted.....

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I met a really nice man on-line, and we have been dating since January. He runs his own company, so he travels alot. I am also busy with work, so that is fine with me. The problem I have is that he SHOULD be the "perfect catch". He is kind, generous, thoughtful, and treats me like a queen. He is also great to my family - my kids, mother, sister and her family, etc. I know I can trust him totally, and I believe that he is in love with me. He talks about our future together often, and comments on how "lucky" he is to have found me. So, you ask, what is the problem? I really like him as a person, I enjoy his company, conversation, etc. BUT - I do not feel a real sexual attraction to him. Don't get me wrong, I don't find him repulsive, but I also don't get the urge to jump his bones at any given moment. My friends tell me that at this stage (I am in my 40's) that the "butterflies" and such of our youth are no more, and I shouldn't think about it. However, a male friend of mine tells me that it IS important; it's not too much to ask for a "spark"! What do I do?? People keep telling me to "give it time" and it will "grow". Is this true? Will I suddenly develop a strong sexual attraction for him? Also, not to be shallow, but I am in good physical shape, while he does not work out because he is so busy with work. In the last few months, he has gained over 20 pounds. I know he feels self-conscious about it and I would never say anything, but this only adds to my lack of attraction, I am afraid. What to do? Stick it out? Date others? Tell him? I appreciate the input!
 
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bravethestorm is offline bravethestorm Post #2  May 16,2009, 4:53pm
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I think the travelling and being busy at work has allowed this relationship to kinda progress in limbo. The distance has allowed you to overlook some of the things that are now bothering you.

In the past, think about your past relationships and how you developed a romantic connection. Was this instant or did it develop over time? If it was over time...how long?

Chemistry varies by the individual. Some people feel sparks immediately. Others little by little and some from friendship. Only you know what works for you so don't let someone else make up your mind.

He might be good on paper but if he isn't the complete package for you...then he isn't the right one. Personally I think you should have a good idea of how you feel by now on if you want it to continue or move on.

Don't expect him to change...if you don't like the current package. Settling isn't good in the long run when you want something more. Just find the balance between being realistic of flaws in a human being and what is a dealbreaker for you.

There's a big difference between attraction and a friend...so which is he for you?
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  May 16,2009, 5:28pm
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It does not matter what anyone else thinks. The only thing that matters is what you think and feel. What works for other people in terms of growing and feeling things over time or needing that instant attraction has no relevance whatsoever for you. Instead of listening to uncle Joe or aunt Sue, listen to yourself. What is or isn't working for you? Only you know yourself and only you truly know what makes you happy and at what pace your relationships progress. Only you know what you can and cannot live with or without for that matter. Other people do not live your life - you do and you need to do what's best for you. This means listening less to what others say or think and listening more to yourself and your needs.
 
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Blackadder is offline Blackadder Post #4  May 16,2009, 9:05pm
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has cheezburgerz.

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I don't believe in the old, "We'll stay together and will eventaully grow to love one another." If you don't feel it now, waht will change down the road? You don't grow too old to feel love. When you meet that special someone you will know it and these questions you have now will never surface.

Is this the man you feel you can live with, or the man you can't live without?
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #5  May 17,2009, 3:39am
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I don’t see this situation much differently than the one posted recently by dervish. Except the difference in time that the couples in question have been together.

OP you like his qualities, but you’re not attracted to him.

To stay with this man who you believe is in love with you and who “treats you like a Queen” but that you have no sexual attraction towards and he doesn’t KNOW that you have no attraction towards him, is misleading, in my opinion.

Obviously feeling that kind of attraction toward your partner is of importance to you, otherwise you wouldn’t have posted on this issue. You wouldn’t be contemplating sticking it out in hopes that the attraction grows in time, or wondering about dating others, or questioning whether or not your friends are correct in saying that butterflies at your age aren’t real…

If you aren’t feeling it for him, you just aren’t. It’s not a choice you’re making. It just is what it is. You like the idea of him, and his qualities, but not the total package that those qualities come bundled in.

I’d say do both of you a favor and let him go before you continue with anymore plans for the future with this man. Find someone that has all the great qualities you’re looking for, who you are also attracted to. ‘Settling’ on something that’s troublesome to you now will only be more difficult to deal with in time.
 
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NlifeNluv is offline NlifeNluv Post #6  May 17,2009, 10:00am
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is happy.

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You don't want to jump his bones all the time? Big deal. You are not a teenager.

Sexual energy in a healthy relationship hits highs and lows. But do you enjoy it when you do have sex? If yes and he doesn't repulse you then you are probably out of the honeymoon stage and nothing more complicated than that.

Have you suggested things to do differently to try sparking up the heat a little? Plus if he senses you pulling back he has probably lost confidence and isn't acting the same which compounds him appearing more unattractive to you.

if you really care about your relationship then its worth a little more effort on your part to break the pattern and encourage more playtime together which may just be all you two need to get past that icky phase between honeymoon and a deeper connection.
 
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txbubba is offline txbubba Post #7  May 18,2009, 7:08am

is not out of his mind - just out of bullets

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if this same guy was poor and you still had this problem, would you still stick around for him?
 
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janissary is offline janissary Post #8  May 18,2009, 7:30am
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You are so lucky to have found him.

I would stay.

Physical attraction is overrated.
 
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robv_la is offline robv_la Post #9  May 18,2009, 3:01pm
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It's simple, you just don't feel attracted to him. You can keep trying to convince yourself that somehow you are attracted, but that doesn't work. You can talk to people in search of an excuse or reason to change your feelings, but that doesn't work either.

Nope, you either feel it for someone or you don't. In this case you don't.
 
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Artisan is offline Artisan Post #10  May 18,2009, 3:10pm
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is at home.

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Agree with most of the others. In a long term relationship, chemistry is KEY. It's one thing to have loved someone and have the sparks abate over time; that's natural with some couples and if their bond is strong enough, it doesn't matter. But to come out of the gate with no sparks is completely different. Sounds like either way this guy is gonna get hurt... but I think it's better to be honest about your feelings before it goes any deeper.
 
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