i think i love her but i dont lust after her enough?


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Dervish is offline Dervish Post #1  May 15,2009, 4:08pm
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I have been going out with my girlfriend for a year or so. The good thing is that she is everything in a woman that i have been looking for she is sane, loving, friendly, very open minded, intelligent, kind thoughtful, mindful, lively etc. Its not that i dont find her attractive(she has a lovely face too, and i like her style), but and i can't tell her this i sometimes find the sight of her naked ugly. She is a size 14. I know this is shallow, and i guess i am but i just dont fancy her enough... This is a problem for me as i often dont want to have sex with her because of this... I have suggested going to the gym with her and she seems open to this... I dont want to hurt her and wonder if i what the hell i should do, ie "should i stay or should i go". Things are moving up a gear and we have been disscussing or poss plans together in the future. I have felt unable to discuss this with her as i dont want to hurt her... ta for any advice.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #2  May 15,2009, 5:37pm
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"I just dont fancy her enough...."

Yes; that would appear to be the case. She is perfect except for being physically hideous and repulsive. If you were truly in love with her, you would not see her this way. There really isn't any kind way to tell her that, is there?

And really, let's say that she does lose 20 (or 30 or 40, or whatever) pounds, would that actually do it for you? You, I imagine, will remain a perfect physical specimen, but what if you have children and she gains weight then? Her breasts begin to sag? She gets ill and becomes unable to exercise? Even if she gets down to a size and shape that you find more appealing, there is simply no guarantee that she will remain there, so it's likely that she will again repulse you later on down the road.

Too bad; she sounds like a really wonderful woman. Perhaps the kindest thing you could do for her would be to let her go so she can find a man who will love her voluptuous curves along with all those other wonderful traits you've mentioned.
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #3  May 15,2009, 5:43pm
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It doesn't matter how you phrase it, or deliver it, telling her you find her naked body unattractive is going to cause her terrible pain and humilition.

You wrote 'I sometimes find the sight of her naked ugly'. What is different on the times you don't feel this way? You were drinking? She did something particularly nice for you? Or was this a figure of speech on your part?

By all means, take her to the gym if she is willing ... but if she loses weight, that doesn't necessarily mean that:
~ she'll keep it off permanently
~ you will find her naked body more appealling

Interestingly, size 14 is the average for Australian women and they look good, healthy. I'm guessing it must be a larger size elsewhere.
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #4  May 15,2009, 5:50pm
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Hi dervish, loving a persons’ qualities (or thinking you might?) and being attracted to them physically are two completely separate things, and there is no guarantee you’re going to get both mixed in together. In this case, unfortunately, it doesn’t seem that you have.

Seems you may love the ‘idea’ of HER, more so than her.

I don’t think you’re necessarily shallow for not being attracted to her physically, it’s not a choice. You either are or you aren’t. Now I realize you mention she has a lovely face, you also mention about going to the gym together. If she was a smaller size you’d be attracted to her? Or do you just *think* you might be at that point? You can’t really know for sure. Attraction is a tricky thing like that.

However, to remain in a relationship and talk of progressing the relationship with someone that you don’t find attractive enough to have sex with, hmmm, that’s not quite right in my book. It’s misleading on your part, considering it’s probably safe to assume that she doesn’t know you find the sight of her naked to be ugly?

Hmmm… if I were in her shoes, I would want people here to advise you to dump me kindly and quickly.

So, that’s what I’ll do, I’ll advise you to let her go easily and move on to find someone for yourself that you can love their qualities *and* that you find physically attractive.
Last edited by lucky173; May 15,2009 at 5:52pm. Reason: just because
 
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bravethestorm is offline bravethestorm Post #5  May 15,2009, 6:11pm
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Dervish wrote :
i can't tell her this i sometimes find the sight of her naked ugly. She is a size 14.
I'm really trying to figure out why you've dated someone over a year and find them ugly. Clothes might dress up a body but they sure don't hide all the flaws. Since you've decided her average 14 size is a major flaw...it's time you look for someone that meets your size requirement. There is no guarantee that your current girlfriend even if she wanted to jump through weight hoops for you that she could maintain a smaller figure.

There is no nice way to tell her but you will be doing her a courtesy to let her find someone else that will appreciate all of her. Right now you are settling and it sounds like she is in the complete dark of how you feel. The whole situation sounds very hurtful any way this plays out to me. In fact, the longer you date her...the more it will hurt her to find out the truth.

I would simply say you've realized you want different things and wish her well.

Love includes being sexually attracted to the person you are in love with. Since this isn't the case for you in all this time...I don't see that changing. You are missing a very important element with what sounds like a great lady so she's not the one for you.

Good luck in finding what you are looking for!
 
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Mokkesofie is offline Mokkesofie Post #6  May 16,2009, 4:05am
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You love her but you are not in-love with her, otherwise you wouldn't have cared about her size. Do her a favour and leave, she deserves a man that loves every inch of her body as well.

By the way, a US size 14 is a UK size 16 (which is the average here), a 44 in France, 46 in Italy and 42 in the rest of Europe so really not that big!
 
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noseyparker is offline noseyparker Post #7  May 16,2009, 4:24am
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I too find it hard to understand why the OP has been with this woman for so long, when he finds aspects of her appearance repulsive. I support the other posters, who invite you to break things off and allow her to find someone who will appreciate her for who she is. You will now be free to find your ideal woman.
 
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Nature_Lover is offline Nature_Lover Post #8  May 16,2009, 4:44am
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Per the CDC in 2002 the averages were:
Women: 163 lbs, 5'3.9", 36.5in waist
Men: 190lbs, 5'9.3" , 39in waist

I don't know that that one define by clothing sizes anymore as there seems to be so much variance these days between designers and department store lines (especially since "gfeel good sizing" has turned a 12 into an 8!
 
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peluka is offline peluka Post #9  May 16,2009, 5:41am
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Cut her loose. If you don't find her desirable now, imagine what it would be like down the road when age, pregnancy etc, further change her body.

Look for someone you're fully attracted to and let her do the same
 
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lenemngk is offline lenemngk Post #10  May 16,2009, 8:04am
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YOU remind me SO MUCH of the guy who posted about his dislike towards his girlfriend's double chin!!

Dear OP,

Break up with her already if you cannot accept her imperfections from being overweight. Yes it is not good to be overweight but since you already find her ugly when she is naked and her bigger dress size or extra weight is causing you not wanting to have sex often with her, then she is obviously not your cup of tea unless she loses the extras.

Trying to lose weight and keeping it off is not easy to do. It takes a lot of determination, effort and patience. It is also mostly an ongoing battle because it is darn easy to gain back what you have lost.

There's no point dragging her along, secretly hoping that she would change and become your ideals. Chances are, she will never be. Even if she might, it will take a few good years (especially when it comes to losing a lot of extra weight), which I doubt you or most dating people would actually invest in and wait for the ROI.

I totally understand your unsaid or indirectly implied preference for a non-overweight gal and that's fine because everybody has their own preferences. It's actually better for you to pursue a gal who fits your bill than settling for somebody who's not really your preferred choice. That way you will probably be happier and your relationship with a gal whose of your preference would also probably last longer. But who knows? Stranger things have happened before.

Whatever you choose to do, good luck!

Lene
 
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