Symba427 is offline Symba427 Post #1  May 15,2009, 5:59am
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My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. We have talked about getting married. We have agreed not to have sex until marriage. I am 40 years old and he is almost 42 years old. I desperately want children. He has expressed that he wants children as well.

Last fall in a conversation that we were having he expressed that he was not ready to get married. He still lives at home with his mother and she is very dependant on him.

I have been living on my own for about 20 years now and I am ready to have my own family. I am concerned that he will never be ready to get married and that if I wait too long, I will lose my chance to have children.

His mother is emotionally abusive to him although he does not recognize this. She is a dry alcoholic who never got treatment and still has the same behaviors that she had when she was drinking.

He is a very calm and kind man. He treats me very well. He never says anything mean or demeaning and he treats me like gold. He has a great job and is financially independant.

Does anyone have any advice for my situation?
 
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bravethestorm is offline bravethestorm Post #2  May 15,2009, 6:30pm
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Sadly it sounds like the guy has made a choice...or his mother did. Either way he isn't ready to get married until he is sure.

Unless his mother is going to die soon, I don't see this situation changing until then. He really has to be the one to define boundaries. It sounds like the only way you'd see a marriage with him would be to move in with them both.

His mom is part of the package with him. However, if you want kids you are definitely up against a clock. I would certainly talk it over with him and ask where he sees this going. At the current rate you could be 50 or earlier and hitting menopause without the situation changing.
 
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redheavens is offline redheavens Post #3  May 15,2009, 7:34pm
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If your questioning if he is ready that means he is not. More likely he is not the right person for you. If you married him, their might a strong chance you and your mom would move in with him and his mom.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #4  May 15,2009, 11:31pm
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bravethestorm wrote :
Sadly it sounds like the guy has made a choice...or his mother did. Either way he isn't ready to get married until he is sure.

Unless his mother is going to die soon, I don't see this situation changing until then. He really has to be the one to define boundaries. It sounds like the only way you'd see a marriage with him would be to move in with them both.

His mom is part of the package with him. However, if you want kids you are definitely up against a clock. I would certainly talk it over with him and ask where he sees this going. At the current rate you could be 50 or earlier and hitting menopause without the situation changing.
I think bravethestorm has hit the nail on the head. You are second to his mother, and it seems you always will be.

It is very sad that he is so tied to her apron strings still at his age and unable to plan a future. Is it all because of this toxic relationship with his mother? Perhaps. Perhaps also he is not sure enough of his relationship with you, but IMO, two years is long enough to know--especially if, as you say, you are waiting until you get married, and you both want to start a family.

Does he feel that you do not know each other enough yet to make a decision on whether you should be together forever? Or is he just not ready to change his way of life, which definitely includes his mother as part of the package no matter how you cut it? Can you stand the idea of living with her as well?

How will you feel if you did get married and in a few years she was abusive to your children? I would be very worried about the idea of marrying her, and make no mistake, you would be marrying her too. Are you ready for that?

Don't let your age make you feel like you are committed to making this work and putting more time into this relationship if it is going nowhere. You don't want to find yourself being 44 years old and still wondering if he is ready to get married or when he ever will be--or how you will ever find someone new and have a family as time slips away.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #5  May 16,2009, 2:17am
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When a man says that he wants to get married but two years later tells you that he is not ready, ninety percent of the time that simply means that he does not want to marry you in particular. Whatever his reasons he has doubts about you and everything else is just a rational excuse - school, work, money, parents, this or that project, etc. All it is is maintaining status quo because he does not really want to move forward with you. You can try to find out from him what his problem is and it may be something simple and easily solved, however you should be ready to move on with your life because most of the time it's not simple and you are just wasting time.
 
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Symba427 is offline Symba427 Post #6  May 16,2009, 5:52am
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I thank you all for your comments.

He is a late bloomer. I am the first serious relationahip that he has had so I am not sure if it is that he does not want to marry me. We did talk about a year ago about where he sees this relationship going and he advised that he would like for us to be married. His parents went through a divorce when he was 11 and this was very traumatic for him.

As for his Mom, she is also showing signs of empty nest syndrome and he has not already left. I had a conversation with his best friend about it as I was worried there would have to be a choice between his mother and me. His friend said not to worry that he would choose me. I don't want there to have to be a choice as he would resent me. My BF and I have talked about this as well as his mother's behavior.

Because of who he is and what he has been through I made a choice to give him to the end of this year before moving on. He tells me he loves me and that he cannot see what his life would be like without me. He does know that there is a deadline as I have told him many times that this is my only concern with him and that I would not wait forever. I have not told him when the deadline is as I do not want to force him into anything.

We shall see. It was good to get feedback from neutral people. This is what I expected.
 
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Blackadder is offline Blackadder Post #7  May 16,2009, 10:20pm
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Okay, the question is how dependant is she of him?

I'm in a similar situation with my family except I'm not dating yet although I have though my family would be an impediment to any serious relationship. I'm 42, and when I retired from the military I made the decision to help my dad who is in failing health. Mom (68)and dad (69) are also raising an 8 year old. Right now I'm living with them to help them out taking dad to tons of doctors appointments and chasing after the kid, babysitting and such. When I finally meet someone I have the social stigma of being 42 and still living with my parents, but they need me and it was my decision to help them.

My point is that I can move out and live nearby and still help them, but right now this arrangement is cheaper for me. Can your man do the same? Does he have to live in the same house with his mother? Can he live nearby and be just a phone call away if she needs him? How old is she? Can she still move around? Try assisted living places? Some of those are like country clubs. Maybe he needs to see that he isn't the only one she can, or should, depend upon.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #8  May 17,2009, 2:41am

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I can hear your Bio-logical clock ticking away! The first question that I would ask, is how does your boyfriend handle his sex life? What are his sexual fantasy's? If he does not have a sex life at age 42? I don't thing getting married will change things. You are his replacement for his Mom. Without a doubt you do not have a normal loving relationship! (You don't, wake up and smell the coffee!) It's time to have a confrontation, but an organized meeting with a professional therapist (PHD.) Who is a marriage counselor (non-religious) It's time for the therapist to ask the right questions from the both of you in a non threatening way to get a commitment from him or have admit the truth, whatever that be for him? You should have several meetings prior to setting up couples counseling. This is the painless way of doing it providing that your boyfriend is willing to attend.

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Last edited by Harvey7; May 17,2009 at 2:48am.
 
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Undecided is offline Undecided Post #9  May 17,2009, 5:56pm
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Symba427 wrote :
I thank you all for your comments.

He is a late bloomer. I am the first serious relationahip that he has had so I am not sure if it is that he does not want to marry me. We did talk about a year ago about where he sees this relationship going and he advised that he would like for us to be married. His parents went through a divorce when he was 11 and this was very traumatic for him.

As for his Mom, she is also showing signs of empty nest syndrome and he has not already left. I had a conversation with his best friend about it as I was worried there would have to be a choice between his mother and me. His friend said not to worry that he would choose me. I don't want there to have to be a choice as he would resent me. My BF and I have talked about this as well as his mother's behavior.

Because of who he is and what he has been through I made a choice to give him to the end of this year before moving on. He tells me he loves me and that he cannot see what his life would be like without me. He does know that there is a deadline as I have told him many times that this is my only concern with him and that I would not wait forever. I have not told him when the deadline is as I do not want to force him into anything.

We shall see. It was good to get feedback from neutral people. This is what I expected.
How attracted/attached are you to this man? He loves you, you love him, but there are his family obligations to his mother, for whatever reason. In my culture there is a notion that to find out how a man will treat you after 10 years of marriage - have look at how he treats his mother. I found out on many occasions this to be true. Anyway - since you are 40 and financially independent - have you ever thought about having a child with this man, even outside of marriage? Just a thought in case you really love him and do not want to lose him simply because your biological clock it ticking...
 
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