Indecisive and Frustrated - Should I Go or Stay?


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LadyDi10 is offline LadyDi10 Post #1  May 14,2009, 7:10pm
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Let me begin by saying, I am far from perfect and respect the value and precious gift of love.I've been dating this very nice gentleman for about 20 months. He treats me like a queen and puts me first. He's a great communicator and listener. Easy-going and easy to please. Patient and kind, So what's the challenge? There's no attraction (although he is not unattractive) and no emotional connection. He's not affectionate, good in bed, and he cannot kiss. In short, he's an intellectual nerd and dull. He spends most of his time on the internet and knows something about everything. He's a 'smart ass' and irritates me as he ALWAYS wants to debate facts. He's more concerned about being right than in relationship. He's not close to his family and does not have 1 friend. I have 6 good girlfriends and enjoy spending time with them. This bothers him as he always wants to spend time with me. I would love to spend more time with him, but can't stand the constant 'news bullentins.' He generally sees the glass half empty as facts surpass hope, faith, and optimism for him. I'm trying to hang in there because he's a 'good catch.' But we're different and argue a lot. Being with him is like being with a drill sergeant. I must admit, at times, I'm jealous of his intellectual gift.He wants to get married, but in my mind's eye I can't fully see it. I didn't want to be superficial and turn him away because of lack of attraction (his stomach looks like he's 9 months pregnant). This is not SEXY. I'm not looking for perfection, but a moderate amount of attraction. So I can't seem to let him go, but don't want to stay. I'm miserable. Your thoughts?
 
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gr8galmv is offline gr8galmv Post #2  May 14,2009, 11:39pm
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Here's the deal. There doesn't have to be anything inheritantly wrong or evil about someone to know that they aren't a good match for you. Dating is what people do to figure out if someone is a good match for them. There's nothing to work out that I can see, you're just different people who want different things. Time to put this guy out of his misery and yours. Time to be honest with yourself and gently let him go. Why be miserable with someone when you can find happiness with your friends and yourself?
 
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bravethestorm is offline bravethestorm Post #3  May 15,2009, 12:26am
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I think your "i'm miserable" comment said it all. For several different reasons you just aren't a good fit. You really can't expect him to change drastically to suit you so if you don't like the current....time to seek someone new.

Just think of the positive things you do like about him and look for similar traits in someone else minus the negatives. Perfection doesn't exist but right now you are settling and being unhappy just isn't worth having someone.
 
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NoClue is offline NoClue Post #4  May 15,2009, 4:07am
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You said he's not "unattractive" and have had sex with him. Why did you sleep with him if he's so ugly?

Why do you say he's not interested in working on the relationship? Have you tried leading? Are you expecting him to know what you need or have you talked with him about what makes a good partner for you?

You said he wants to get married some day but you don't "fully" see it. So you've considered marrying him to be able to determine you don't "fully" see it, are you being realistic about marriage or expecting a movie-like fantasy?

You posted, so I'm replying...perhaps you are so torn because you do love him and just aren't mature enough to accept him as he is?

How can you encourage his "treating you like a queen" and "putting you first" but trash him so badly?

If my retorts are ticking you off then maybe you should re-evaluate the good things in the relationship and about him. Because if there are core things you love about him and your time together then perhaps you're actually happy and just don't realize it yet?

Please don't make a rash decision but don't drag him through the dirt either. It doesn't sound like he deserves to be treated poorly by you because it sounds like he's been pretty dedicated.

Consider a new tactic...be honest, try something new in the relationship, make more of an effort to really get to know him, work out with him, tell him what bothers you...then if he can't live up to what you believe is good enough then cut him loose knowing you gave it a real chance.

Sounds like something brought you two together. Sounds like there's something that kept you together for 20 months, right?

Just communicate with him about where you are inside, but don't lead him on.

Attraction in a long-term-relationship waxes and wanes. That's normal and it will happen from time to time even if you move on to the next person.
 
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letgoitsboutu29 is offline letgoitsboutu29 Post #5  May 15,2009, 4:59am
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I don't think that is a reason to let go. I think you should hold on and be friends at first in time the attraction might come. Don't let go for sure because that may be someone that you can grow to love. And as you said he treats you like a queen you already have something a lot of females do not have., and are looking for and would ignore the minor flaw that you are willing to let him go for. You should always be friends at first that would make the relationship last longer, because there is nothing hidden, friends tell each other everything. And if something happens it happens if it don't then you would still have a great friend. I am not sure the kind of guys you are interested in but you are obviously not in a relationship and the past ones have not worked! It seems that he may be different from them and that may be a good thing you just need to stick in there and give it a try.
 
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beentheremom is offline beentheremom Post #6  May 15,2009, 5:50am
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Ok, here's the deal. I've been in a relationship for over 2 years and can feel your pain. I'm with a great guy, respectable, attractive and stable, however, there's no "chemistry". Sex is awkward without passion. There's no "intimacy" and he doesn't kiss either. In fact, the only time he touches me is when he wants sex and that's maybe once a week....not enough for me. He's also a "right fighter" and it's "his way or the highway". He constantly talks about stupid TV shows and a real couch potato. He's also gained about 30 pounds since we've been dating and I work hard to stay thin, be healthy and want to look good for him, but it's not recipocated. This is what I've learned....you can't change anyone, only yourself. If you don't have that "chemistry" from the beginning or if it has fizzled out, it's not going to come back over time. It's sometimes easier to settle for the wrong person, because starting over or being alone can be scary, but life is too short. The only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for 20 months, is being in a bad relationship for 20 months and a day. It's nobodys fault if there's no connection, but it won't change. Drop him and find someone who makes you feel like your the center of his life. Find someone who tells you that you're beautiful and someone who makes you feel butterflys in your stomach when you look at him. If it's not passionate now, it definately won't be later. Just think to the future...is this the man you want to grow old with. Will this man take care of you when you're old and sick? Are you willing to do the same for him? Will he get you through the hard times of life like the death of loved ones, loss of a job or financial crisis? Is this the man that you feel grateful for that he found you in this great big world? If not, move on. People come in and out of your life for different reasons to teach us something about ourselves. Just because your "dating" him and it's comfortable, doesn't mean "he's the one". Believe that you deserve to be happy and don't settle. It's better to be alone for a while then to be with the wrong person for one more day. Don't sell yourself short. There are may opportunities out there that you're closed off to because you're in this current relationship. If you're not happy, stop the bleeding now and move on before it's 5 years later and you're still not happy. The right man will come to you at the right time....be open to it.
 
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OhioSheltieLady is offline OhioSheltieLady Post #7  May 15,2009, 6:37am
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The way I see it, we have the potential of being with lots of different personalities in this world. We can either settle for an "ok" relationship that isn't really all that rewarding, but is better than being alone ---- or,

we can hold out for something really great. I would say make a list of the things you value in a mate or a good friend, and then see how your current significant other rates. If you find they came out with a rather low score, then that surely tells you something.

I am holding out for something really great and I don't mind being alone while I'm sorting through. I've settled in the past and I just want to know if there's more out there. I'll never know if I keep settling for "ok" or for "not so bad." I say, go for it! The list of unfavorable traits is too long. And good luck! Keep telling yourself "I deserve something really great for me!"
 
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constantseeker is offline constantseeker Post #8  May 15,2009, 7:24am
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What about you, beentheremom? Are you going to stay with the guy you're with? That sounds like an awful situation! So boring. I have a friend whose husband doesn't kiss either (French kiss) because he thinks it's gross. To me that's the way to really connect - even "escorts" charge more for a kiss I've heard. I couldn't live without a good kiss!!!
Last edited by constantseeker; May 15,2009 at 7:25am. Reason: forgot a word
 
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tweet37 is online now tweet37 Post #9  May 15,2009, 8:00am
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LadyDi10 wrote :
Let me begin by saying, I am far from perfect and respect the value and precious gift of love.I've been dating this very nice gentleman for about 20 months. He treats me like a queen and puts me first. He's a great communicator and listener. Easy-going and easy to please. Patient and kind, So what's the challenge? There's no attraction (although he is not unattractive) and no emotional connection. He's not affectionate, good in bed, and he cannot kiss. In short, he's an intellectual nerd and dull. He spends most of his time on the internet and knows something about everything. He's a 'smart ass' and irritates me as he ALWAYS wants to debate facts. He's more concerned about being right than in relationship. He's not close to his family and does not have 1 friend. I have 6 good girlfriends and enjoy spending time with them. This bothers him as he always wants to spend time with me. I would love to spend more time with him, but can't stand the constant 'news bullentins.' He generally sees the glass half empty as facts surpass hope, faith, and optimism for him. I'm trying to hang in there because he's a 'good catch.' But we're different and argue a lot. Being with him is like being with a drill sergeant. I must admit, at times, I'm jealous of his intellectual gift.He wants to get married, but in my mind's eye I can't fully see it. I didn't want to be superficial and turn him away because of lack of attraction (his stomach looks like he's 9 months pregnant). This is not SEXY. I'm not looking for perfection, but a moderate amount of attraction. So I can't seem to let him go, but don't want to stay. I'm miserable. Your thoughts?
*shakes head*
There's no attraction, no emotional connection, he's lousy in bed, a nerd, dull, a know-it-all, smart-ass, irritating, a right-fighter, a loner with no friends, pessimistic, clingy, and likes to argue with you a lot. And he's fat. I wonder what your 'Can't Stands' are.

Are you looking for validation for staying with him?
 
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blrdancer is offline blrdancer Post #10  May 15,2009, 8:09am
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I guess I'm a little confused by some of your statements...

On one hand, you says he's a great communicator and listener and is easy-going. YET, in the next breath, you describe him as a smart ass who debates everything and would rather be right than happy. Um, maybe it's just me - but those things don't seem to really go together.

Likewise, you describe him as patient and easy to please -- and then you go on to describe him as a drill sergeant???

I've noticed this from time to time on here - someone will start off by saying that the guy/girl they're seeing is so "nice" and "wonderful" and then proceed to name off a laundry list of qualities that would make Hannibal Lecter seem more appealing. I'm all for seeing the good in people - but I've also seen people cling to any little shred of good in hopes of being able to ignore the overwhelming negative qualities.

Let's face it -- everyone has good and bad qualities - but you can't really seem to decide who this guy is. And it's ultimately up to you to decide whether you can live with the negatives -- but since you describe yourself as miserable - I think you know the answer.
 
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