My relationships end so terrible/Normal?


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rRACINGRANDY is offline rRACINGRANDY Post #1  May 14,2009, 2:20am
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I have had good success on E-Harmony being matched and with dating in general. Won't complain about that. But I do have some questions that perhaps this forum could advise me on.

Do most relationships end with hurt feelings? With one party feeling "slighted" or betrayed by the other. And how quickly are you able to move on and date again? Is there a healthy period for mourning?

Recently, I dated someone from this site for about 6 months. The relationship ended with a lot of hurt, dissappointment and to be honest, unresolved hurt. Looking back, the warning signs were there months before the relationship terminated. I just chose to ignore them. So when the break up occurred...it was more of a sigh of relief than anything else.

But I would like to know if most relationships that end, have to end with both people not talking to eachother and pretty much forgetting that at one time, the relationship was intimate and very exciting?

I don't want to appear niave but I look back at almost all of my relationships and they end the same way. I never see or talk to this person ever again.
 
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myharleysgotpink is offline myharleysgotpink Post #2  May 14,2009, 3:38am
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Interesting question. Evidently I am not qualified to respond as I am only in the 'Dating Zone'......
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #3  May 14,2009, 4:13am

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what you describe is pretty much normal....and healthy actually. Breakups are not fun or happy. They are sad and painful. If they are not that would be more of an indicator something is wrong!

It's a loss, almost like a death.

As for never speaking again, that is something you have control of. I usually speak to my exes again and think that is normal to do so (depending on the time in the relationship and how resolved it was and if the feelings were hurt badly or not).

But most relatinships need some time to breathe before a friendship or checking in should occur....I'd say about 2 months or more depending on how serious the realationship was. People need time to heal and detatch.

As for how long it takes to start dating again, I dont know. Everyone is different on that. I think as long as your honest to new dates about where you are mentally (ie dont jump into someting just for instant gratification if your not even sure you like the person).

Anyway, yeah, I think your feelings are normal.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #4  May 14,2009, 4:40am
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I believe that truly 'mutual' breakups are extremely rare ...most of the time, someone ends up getting hurt ...sometimes - believe it or not - both people end up hurt. It's the nature of the beast.

How quickly you are able to move on is up to you. I've been in 5+ yr relationships and got over them fairly quickly ...I've been in relationships that have only lasted a few months and felt like I was kicked in the gut for months after. There is no hard and fast rule for a "healthy mourning period", although I'm sure someone will suggest what they've heard or what has worked for them in the past. There are plenty of opinions ranging from one month for every year, 3 months for every year, 6 months for every year ...it goes on and on. Bottom line, you are able to move on ...when you are able to move on.

By and large, I don't believe in the whole friendship after a relationship idea. If it is possible, it is much later in the future when both parties have accepted what happened, even moved on to other people. I've read about countless situations where a friendship after a relationship has simply done nothing but prolong the hurt and pain (usually for the dumpee, as the dumper is almost always the one to suggest it out of guilt). Honestly, it's just not a good idea unless you have a reason such as you have children together or have no choice to have regular contact with that person.

I'd say you are pretty normal ...and healthy.
 
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rRACINGRANDY is offline rRACINGRANDY Post #5  May 14,2009, 5:21am
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I would like to thank you for the kind responses to my question.

Based on the two responses, what I am going through is typically normal and it does seem...healthy. I am not sure I will ever talk to this person or see them again but understand that at some point I will accept that they where an important piece of my life and hope for the best.

It is sometimes sad how relationships begin with a lot of energy, promise, excitment and talk about the future. Then you realize later on that there are concerns and that perhaps you might have made a mistake. What once was a healthy relationship with "potential" turns out to be opposite.

Guess in the end, all we can hope for is another try and believe that there is in fact someone out there that truly is our partner for life!
 
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FruitaBu is offline FruitaBu Post #6  May 14,2009, 5:52am
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rRACINGRANDY wrote :
I am not sure I will ever talk to this person or see them again but understand that at some point I will accept that they where an important piece of my life and hope for the best.

Guess in the end, all we can hope for is another try and believe that there is in fact someone out there that truly is our partner for life!

Even when you both know a breakup is the right decision, it hurts for a while. The person has become a daily part of your life and sometimes it is difficult to let go of that. The feeling of having to start over AGAIN with another person can be disappointing and overwhelming. It's hard to keep telling the story of you from the beginning with each new person and it's hard to walk away from someone you have opened up to in any kind of meaningful way.

I have never been a big proponent of remaining friends after a breakup. Each time I have attempted it, I realized it just wasn't working. It either hurts or it tends to keep you from moving forward because you unconsciously sabotage yourself from new relationships. I think you can absolutely be friends with someone you have dated, but at some point there has to be a time period with no contact. Then you can cut the ties and move on.

Sometimes a breakup can be the stepping stone to something unexpected and wonderful. Each relationship prepares us to be better partners for the next person if we let it. Different people bring out different aspects of us. I try to end relationships with the feeling that each person comes into our lives for a reason and I don't fight them leaving if that is what they feel they need to do.

All that to say this...

Breakups don’t have to be bad. Even though it doesn’t seem like it at the time, they are truly opportunities. Just when you think you are done dating for good.. that is when the best things show up in your life unexpectedly. Often you wouldn’t be ready for them or recognize them without your previous relationship experiences. You also won’t be ready for them or recognize them if you are still clinging to the past.
 
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CaptainZen is offline CaptainZen Post #7  May 14,2009, 5:59am
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rRACINGRANDY wrote :
I have had good success on E-Harmony being matched and with dating in general. Won't complain about that. But I do have some questions that perhaps this forum could advise me on.

Do most relationships end with hurt feelings? With one party feeling "slighted" or betrayed by the other. And how quickly are you able to move on and date again? Is there a healthy period for mourning?

Recently, I dated someone from this site for about 6 months. The relationship ended with a lot of hurt, dissappointment and to be honest, unresolved hurt. Looking back, the warning signs were there months before the relationship terminated. I just chose to ignore them. So when the break up occurred...it was more of a sigh of relief than anything else.

But I would like to know if most relationships that end, have to end with both people not talking to eachother and pretty much forgetting that at one time, the relationship was intimate and very exciting?

I don't want to appear niave but I look back at almost all of my relationships and they end the same way. I never see or talk to this person ever again.
I am a womaniser and a hebephil on top of that. My relations always start with a young woman of 18-19 years youn. We stay together for 3 to 7 years. When we break up we do it friendly. All my girl friends are now friends and we know who is my latest lover. When I meet a new young woman I tell her that because the differences, (age, race/religion/class/education etc ) there will be an ending as well as a beginning to out relation. That way there is no trouble in the end.
Love knows no hurt. Better to rise than to fall in love. Falling hurts and you have to get out of the ditch after, rising is easier, after its over you just step down...
 
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Jhono is offline Jhono Post #8  May 14,2009, 6:09am
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I just had this discussion with a gal I'm seeing for the past 60 days. she mentioned a heart break if we were to break up in the future. When intimacy is involved, sure there will be ill feelings after a break up. It would be nice to have a mutual separation with no regrets with no harm and no foul...
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #9  May 14,2009, 6:15am
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Until recently, every one of my relationships have ended because someone cheated on me. Its painful, it hurts and it smacks of betrayal. Then one of later relationships, ended without her cheating on me. It hurts just as much (at least this one) and i would guess with the history of this one, hurt MORE than the ones that cheated on me.

Ending a long relationship is a sudden traumatic change. If it doesn't hurt, it will still leave scars regardless. Breakups usually mean turning what you knew your life was and scattering it to the four winds.

Many times in a relationship, we believe a fantasy of the relationship and not see the reality of it. We fool ourselves to believe what we want to believe than what is really there. When reality comes to bite us, we feel unprepared for it because we were living in a fantasy world and are ripped from it.
 
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rRACINGRANDY is offline rRACINGRANDY Post #10  May 14,2009, 7:12am
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All of these opinions remain pretty healthy and dead on!!

Another saddness is trying to explain to my children why they won't see her children (almost identical ages) anymore. They became close and we did things together. This was the first time since the divorce from 3 years ago that any of my girlfriend(s) have met my children.

It makes the break up and the termination of the relationship all that much more difficult and painful.

I understand that while the relationship was serious, there were issues that had me concerned that should have given me ample time to question the future/healthiness of it. Which made the break up a lot easier to accept but under her terms.
 
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