Do You Continue to Date Someone Who Says He Doesn't Think s/he Will Marry Again?


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constantseeker is offline constantseeker Post #1  May 11,2009, 2:03pm
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My boyfriend of almost 8 months just told someone this past weekend that he doesn't think he will ever do it again (talking about marriage). He has been married twice - first wife cheated, was with her for many years. Second wife had bipolar disorder which he discovered after they got married, was only with her for 4 months. He does want a LTR.


I haven't been seeing him long enough to know if I would ever marry him, but we get along so well and have so much in common, to me it might be a possibility. I was in such a bad marriage andbeing with him is so refreshing - he is exactly thekind of man I wanted to marry in the first place and I foolishly marriedmy ex.


Is his comment something I should listen to and keep looking for what I want? It really is too early todiscuss a permanent relationship. We are madly in love and I don't know about him, but I've neverfelt so connected toa man and I've been in at least 5 or 6significant LTRs, as well as one marriage!
 
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wordwoman is offline wordwoman Post #2  May 11,2009, 2:28pm
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Why don't you ask your boyfriend directly about his thoughts on a third marriage, and stop trying to make a decision about your relationship from something he told someone else. It'll save a lot of time, chaos and confusion.
 
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lada2 is offline lada2 Post #3  May 11,2009, 2:30pm
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I made certain to announce early on that I wasn't interested in marrying again. Now, months later, the guy just continues to grow on me. So if I had known then, what I know now, I might not have said that. Doesn't seem to be a topic or concern for either of us, though.





it sounds like you are heads over heels, and he is sounding more level-headed. either is great, but have you spoken with him about how you feel, and what does he say about how he feels?
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #4  May 11,2009, 2:36pm
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It depends. What's more important to you? Getting married to someone (anyone?)?


Or figuring out if THIS guy is good enough for you to want to be with him-married or not?
 
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jomarie is offline jomarie Post #5  May 11,2009, 2:52pm
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It's easy to think you will never marry again until you fall head over heels in love!


If he really is as madly in love as you think he is, perhaps he will (have)change(d) his mind!
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #6  May 11,2009, 3:12pm
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In my case, I expect that I would, though marriage is not for me a goal unto itself.
I think 8 months is not enough time to make such a decision – unless marriage is essential for you, in which case I would raise the issue with him.
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #7  May 11,2009, 3:13pm
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jomarie,613389 wrote :

It's easy to think you will never marry again until you fall head over heels in love!


If he really is as madly in love as you think he is, perhaps he will (have)change(d) his mind!
Perhaps...


But more than likely not. To assume everybody that is madly and head over heels in love will always want to get married is very unrealistic. This is the frustration of many women on these boards!


There might be very compelling reason for this or many other men not to get married. Even if they truely are head over heels in love!
 
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Jacquiem is offline Jacquiem Post #8  May 11,2009, 3:36pm
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constantseeker, wrote :

My boyfriend of almost 8 months just told someone this past weekend that he doesn't think he will ever do it again (talking about marriage). He has been married twice - first wife cheated, was with her for many years. Second wife had bipolar disorder which he discovered after they got married, was only with her for 4 months. He does want a LTR.


I haven't been seeing him long enough to know if I would ever marry him, but we get along so well and have so much in common, to me it might be a possibility. I was in such a bad marriage andbeing with him is so refreshing - he is exactly thekind of man I wanted to marry in the first place and I foolishly marriedmy ex.


Is his comment something I should listen to and keep looking for what I want? It really is too early todiscuss a permanent relationship. We are madly in love and I don't know about him, but I've neverfelt so connected toa man and I've been in at least 5 or 6significant LTRs, as well as one marriage!
Oh, I so hate to be a rabble-rouser...no, actually I don't.


While you may not know him long enough to know if you would marry HIM, you absolutely know him long enough to have asked him the general question if he ever wants to be married. I think this should have been talked about long before 8 months and a surprise declaration of his view on marriage popped up.


If marriage is important to you and you want to be a wife one day, you need to talk to your guy about what you want. So he can tell you directly how he feels about it. Regardless of how you feel about him, if he doesn't share the same values you do, all you're doing is settling for less than what you want.


If marriage is not that important to you and you honestly couldn't care less whether you ever get married or not, then this is a non issue, unless you really want to hear him tell you how he feels about, and in that case, still ask him about it.


I get that some people think being in a long term relationship with someone you care about and who cares about you is good enough, but those people aren't in YOUR relationship - what do YOU want and what are YOU willing to compromise on.


You need to be clear about what you want for your life, and he for his, and it needs to be done sooner rather than later.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #9  May 11,2009, 3:39pm
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First you need to ask yourself why you feel you need to get married yourself since you've already been there done that. Second, once you know what matters to you and what doesn't, you need to be clear to him about what your needs are at the end of the day. Depending on how he responds to that, you then can make a clear decision whether you should move on or stay. As some other posters have said, he may be true to his words or he may be changing his mind. Until you ask him, you won't know.
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #10  May 11,2009, 7:13pm
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constantseeker, wrote :

My boyfriend of almost 8 months just told someone this past weekend that he doesn't think he will ever do it again (talking about marriage). He has been married twice - first wife cheated, was with her for many years. Second wife had bipolar disorder which he discovered after they got married, was only with her for 4 months. He does want a LTR.


I haven't been seeing him long enough to know if I would ever marry him, but we get along so well and have so much in common, to me it might be a possibility. I was in such a bad marriage andbeing with him is so refreshing - he is exactly thekind of man I wanted to marry in the first place and I foolishly marriedmy ex.


Is his comment something I should listen to and keep looking for what I want? It really is too early todiscuss a permanent relationship. We are madly in love and I don't know about him, but I've neverfelt so connected toa man and I've been in at least 5 or 6significant LTRs, as well as one marriage!
I'm going to have to ask how important marriage is to you. If you truly, desperately, want to be married to the love of your life, and he said that he will never get married again, then you should believe him and move on.
 
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