Children of divorce: how has it affected you?


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eHA_Admin_Lori is offline eHA_Admin_Lori — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  May 11,2009, 12:30pm
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If you are from a "broken home" - has that affected your romantic relationships, and if so, how have you dealt with it?
 
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healthb is offline healthb Post #2  May 11,2009, 12:56pm
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It depends on whether or not the divorce was an amicable one and whether or not they get to see both parents regularly. For those whose parents lived in faraway states and/or parents were not kind after the divorce, this could be a problem.


Often a child of divorced parents will suffer from abandonment issues and will do one of two things - they will either become overly clingy in relationships or they will pull away. Either response is problematic and if not addressed will cause problems later. There are tons of other problems that can occur to kids of divorced families, not to mentionthe other complications that come along with it - i.e. placating step-parents and siblings, and other complicated relationships people have to manage. On the flip side, when you understand the ramifications of your decisions, it tends to make you really look at the person you are dating so that you don't repeat your parents pattern.
 
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NathanCM is offline NathanCM Post #3  May 12,2009, 7:57am
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This is first hand observation, not first hand expirience...


Everyone I have known (4 out of 4) that comes from a broken home has relationship issues. Cheating, lying to the spouse and in general taking the other for granted in all four cases. Everyone I have know from a stable home (6 out of 6) seems to be married with no issues.


Pretty small sample size, I know. Take it for what you will.
 
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Mokkesofie is offline Mokkesofie Post #4  May 12,2009, 8:19am
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I'm from a broken home with years of events so terrible that it will take to long to tell but it includes child abuse, my mom's suicide attempts which included taking the children with her at the same time, lots of events with police, lots of "this is your new dad". I got married at 18, my husband came from a stable, loving home with no divorces in the family. He left me the first time for another woman after 7 years of marriage, he came back after 6 months and we were married for another 26 years (33 years in total) before he left me for a younger model whom he married. So no, it's not always the statistics are right.
 
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healthb is offline healthb Post #5  May 12,2009, 8:32am
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NathanCM,614226 wrote :

This is first hand observation, not first hand expirience...


Everyone I have known (4 out of 4) that comes from a broken home has relationship issues. Cheating, lying to the spouse and in general taking the other for granted in all four cases. Everyone I have know from a stable home (6 out of 6) seems to be married with no issues.


Pretty small sample size, I know. Take it for what you will.
I have seen people who came from the most unstable homes become happily married, loving, caring, well-adjustedspouses.While you havesome negativeexperiences with a few children of divorced parents, it's only an issue if you let it be one.In saying this, I am not putting you down orsaying thatchildren ofdivorced parents don't have challenges to overcome. Many of them do, myself included. ...Butthe key difference between a success and failure in this arearests with the individual.How faris this person willing to go tomake their current relationship work?
 
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BlueEyedLizzie is offline BlueEyedLizzie Post #6  May 12,2009, 8:34am
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healthb,613329 wrote :

Often a child of divorced parents will suffer from abandonment issues
It's funny that you mention that since just this weekend I was talking with my mom about my current relationship and mentioned that I'm always waiting for the call where he says "I just don't think this is working out." And that leaves me terrified. Her response was that I've been scared to death of being left since she and my dad split.


It's weird how I never saw that before.
 
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healthb is offline healthb Post #7  May 12,2009, 9:33am
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BlueEyedLizzie,614250 wrote :

healthb,613329 wrote :


Often a child of divorced parents will suffer from abandonment issues


It's funny that you mention that since just this weekend I was talking with my mom about my current relationship and mentioned that I'm always waiting for the call where he says "I just don't think this is working out." And that leaves me terrified. Her response was that I've been scared to death of being left since she and my dad split.


It's weird how I never saw that before.
The good news is, it gets better once you recognize the impactyour parentsdivorce had on your life. I go to a cognitive behavioral therapist to discuss this. I, too, suffer from abandonment issues, and once I recognized some of my destructive behaviors that sabatogged my romantic relationships, Istopped doing them.

In addition to seeking counseling, I also started reading books on relationships. I think I probably have the best library known to man or woman! When you don't have a good family foundation naturally, you need to teach yourself about things like boundaries (both yours and other peoples),how todisagree with someone in a healthy way, learninghowrelationships naturally progress so that when the initial attraction phase ends, youas awoman don't smother, etc.

Abandonment affects people in different ways though, hence why I think therapy is important for children of divorce. In my case, I found that I would have one of two responses in romantic relationships, I would either cling a little too tightly toa manor I would let it go completely when the initial attraction faded and he was moving into the next phase of the relationship. I also have some parent issues too, not that they are bad people, but they can be a little too demanding of my time and sometimes I have to set boundaries with them, too.

It's taking a lot of work on my part as well as recognizing faults within myself, but gradually I have been able to start telling my parents people when they intrude on my boundaries, define healthy parameters in my current dating relationships and enjoy my dating relationships through each stage of progression.

I have come a long way pretty quickly and while I occasionallyget flustered over the male species(I was raised mostly around women), I can bring up issues with someone I care about knowing it won't be WWIII and have changed many of my old destructive patterns in relationships. Instead ofthinking about a man leaving me, Ienjoy a man's company,learning about the other person, etc... If things don't work out with my current boyfriend, I won't regret the time we spent together and will value the lessons I learned for the next relationship, comforted by the fact that I have choices in the dating world and eventually, when the time is right, a man will value what I have to offer and vice versa.

My only regret is not havingtaken action sooner.
 
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jamesp81 is offline jamesp81 Post #8  May 12,2009, 9:43am
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eH_Advice_Admin_Lori, wrote :

If you are from a "broken home" - has that affected your romantic relationships, and if so, how have you dealt with it?
I don't know because I have nothing to compare it to. My parents got divorced 19 years ago; I was 8 years old. I was old enough for it to harm me in some way, but young enough that I have no meter stick to compare broken home vs non-broken home. There's simply no way to know what effects it did or didn't have in my case. It wasn't good to be certain, but I can't quantify anymore than that.
 
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jamesp81 is offline jamesp81 Post #9  May 12,2009, 9:45am
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healthb,613329 wrote :

It depends on whether or not the divorce was an amicable one and whether or not they get to see both parents regularly. For those whose parents lived in faraway states and/or parents were not kind after the divorce, this could be a problem.


Often a child of divorced parents will suffer from abandonment issues and will do one of two things - they will either become overly clingy in relationships or they will pull away. Either response is problematic and if not addressed will cause problems later. There are tons of other problems that can occur to kids of divorced families, not to mentionthe other complications that come along with it - i.e. placating step-parents and siblings, and other complicated relationships people have to manage. On the flip side, when you understand the ramifications of your decisions, it tends to make you really look at the person you are dating so that you don't repeat your parents pattern.
Now that I've read some posts, you're making some sense here. In my own case, I'd guess that I tended towards 'pull away', although there are other factors involved in that behavior on my part. But the fact that I didn't date anyone in high school or college, and I dated one girl for a short time after college is a pretty strong statement to that effect.
 
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BlueEyedLizzie is offline BlueEyedLizzie Post #10  May 12,2009, 9:46am
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I always knew what I was doing wrong, being too clingy or swinging to the extreme other end and actling like I didn't care at all. I just didn't realize when and why it happened. And always, always always...with every relationship at any point, a feeling of panic at the thought of being left....please please please don't leave me. I'll change. I'll bend over backwards for you. I won't say or do anything that will upset you. Just please don't leave me. Of course, they always did and it's never killed me so you'd think I'd have figured out by now that it's not the end of the world. But alas, the panic is still there. It still taints everything. Find me a book on how to exorcise that demon. That book I'll read.
 
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