A Question for Young People 30 and Under...


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Mr. Nice Guy is offline Mr. Nice Guy Post #1  May 9,2009, 8:46am
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Could you fall in love with a man/woman who already has one or more children living full-time in their home or would that feel too weird to you? How well do you think you would you able to accept those children as "your own" if you were marry their mother/father?


I for one feel like I could probably handle it, but only if the girl's child(ren) are no older than a certain age. Trying to be a stepfather to children that are too old for me to be their real father would seem weird to me. I have to admit though, since I became an uncle a couple of years ago, I do love kids! :-)


What's your take on this subject?
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #2  May 9,2009, 9:00am
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Mr. Nice Guy, wrote :

Could you fall in love with a man/woman who already has one or more children living full-time in their home or would that feel too weird to you? How well do you think you would you able to accept those children as "your own" if you were marry their mother/father?


I for one feel like I could probably handle it, but only if the girl's child(ren) are no older than a certain age. Trying to be a stepfather to children that are too old for me to be their real father would seem weird to me. I have to admit though, since I became an uncle a couple of years ago, I do love kids! :-)


What's your take on this subject?
In most cases, the kid(s) already have 2 parents. It's not necessary or required to accept the children of someone you're with as "your own". Trying to do that just might be met with hostility from the kid and the other parent!


A step-parent can be a good friend and role model for a child for sure but he/she should also know their bounderies. If the other parent is involved or still alive then you need to know your place in their family. Remember, you're the outsider in their already exisiting family.
 
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longsocks is offline longsocks Post #3  May 9,2009, 9:14am
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I think how much you parent them as "your own" would depend on the situation with exes and their ages. Seems how you've mentioned full-time, I would assume that meant there wasn't another active parent in the picture which would change things a bit for me.


I would definitely feel weird becoming a stepmom to kids that I'm not old enough to have given birth to myself. At that age, though, I don't think it would much be my place to parent them and that trying to would cause bigger issues.


Regardless ofage I don't know if they would ever feel exactly like my own child, but with time I think a strong bond could develop....maybe it would beless time the younger they are, but I think it would depend on the kid.


My view is as someone with her own child already and I think the more important thing would be to treat all children in the household with the same expectations regardless of who's genetic material they have.
 
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AnotherGuy is offline AnotherGuy Post #4  May 9,2009, 11:28am
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Mr. Nice Guy, wrote :


Could you fall in love with a man/woman who already has one or more children living full-time in their home or would that feel too weird to you? How well do you think you would you able to accept those children as "your own" if you were marry their mother/father?


I for one feel like I could probably handle it, but only if the girl's child(ren) are no older than a certain age. Trying to be a stepfather to children that are too old for me to be their real father would seem weird to me. I have to admit though, since I became an uncle a couple of years ago, I do love kids! :-)


What's your take on this subject?


Could you fall in love with a man/woman who already has one or more children living full-time in their home or would that feel too weird to you?


Yes I am in love right now with a single parent, It is wierd to be around the child(ren)_ regardless, which is why I dont have my own children..in the 1st place. It will always be weird, because they are not your own. Do you discipline them? or let the mother and real father do it? if you do, what is the limit? I mean everyone has different opinions, even if I were to be given advice, I Would still ponder on what "my real role is". The boyfriend or the father? her new husband or the father? who knows.


How well do you think you would you able to accept those children as "your own" if you were marry their mother/father?



I dont think that anyone who marries a single mother/father can treat the kids with a 100% "your own". How would you? I mean they arent your kids in the 1st place. Lets take into consideration that the mother/father is still in their lives just divorced. You are then, fathering someone elses kids(if they are toddler age). Would it not feel weird to discipline her daughter at a family get together, then only to find out 30 mins later, that her real father told her to she was allowed to do so? You are in her life now, but the kids are still not yours. I wouldnt know how to feel.


The single mother I am with, often doesnt know how to feel or do when her kids call me "daddy", or when they say I want to talk to daddy, and she is on the phone with me. I sometimes think like, her kids must still think they are together(of course, they are little kids). I dont think anyone can ever accept that those children are going to be "your own".





What's your take on this subject?


Well my take is, treat them as kids of your own, but know when its not your role anymore. As heart breaking as that sounds, they will never be yours. I honestly think its a complex situation, where you should touch bases with the person you are with to see where the boundaries are. If the single mother I am seeing tells me, your like the father now baby. Then I would atleast commit enough to be a father, until the time comes where we run into the new father Vs. the real father issue. The problems will always be there, unless the father is 100% out of their lives.


My perspective of this? go with the flow till you run into a new issue.
 
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Mr. Nice Guy is offline Mr. Nice Guy Post #5  May 9,2009, 1:01pm
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Well guys, these really are open-ended questions that depend on the circumstances more or less. However, the most important question of all does not seem to be getting answered accurately. I suppose I need to reword the question:


Could you fall in love with a man/woman who already has one or more children living full-time in their home or would that feel too weird to you?


reworded to:



If you knew a single guy or girl that already had one or more children of his/her own, but you had romantic feelings for this person, would you still get into a relationship with him/her if you both felt you might be right for each other? Would it be worth it despite the fact that he or she already has kids?





DO NOT FORGET THAT THESE QUESTIONS ARE ONLY INTENDED TO BE ANSWERED BY THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE 30 YEARS OF AGE AND UNDER.


Have at it!
 
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AnotherGuy is offline AnotherGuy Post #6  May 9,2009, 1:34pm
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Mr. Nice Guy,611384 wrote :


Well guys, these really are open-ended questions that depend on the circumstances more or less. However, the most important question of all does not seem to be getting answered accurately. I suppose I need to reword the question:


Could you fall in love with a man/woman who already has one or more children living full-time in their home or would that feel too weird to you?


reworded to:



If you knew a single guy or girl that already had one or more children of his/her own, but you had romantic feelings for this person, would you still get into a relationship with him/her if you both felt you might be right for each other? Would it be worth it despite the fact that he or she already has kids?



Have at it!


If you knew a single guy or girl that already had one or more children of his/her own, but you had romantic feelings for this person, would you still get into a relationship with him/her if you both felt you might be right for each other? Would it be worth it despite the fact that he or she already has kids?





Well, for me and the single mother I am seeing, we do have romantic feelings for each other. We are in a relationship, and do feel right for each other. Now for the main question...





Would it be worth it despite the fact that he or she already has kids?


My wants/needs/desire: A family, marriage, kids of my own


Her wants/needs/desire: A family, No more marriages, no more kids





So the question is, is it worth it if she already has kids? Well lets start with the fact that I am younger, not too young but younger than she is. I do have dreams. She has her tubes tied. So I am screwed either way in my needs etcetc. Alot of people have told me, it is sad to say or hear this phrase I am about to use. Also meaning that its something quite harsh to say.


"I know how she feels like, for her to think that we are going to be together forever soon, and her knowing that she can not give me any of my wants/needs/desire because her tubes are tied"


Soooo, is it worth it? I mean, who would give up so much to be with someone they love right? I wont lie, I am still young, lots of time ahead of me to find the right person. Why? Why cripple myself to someone who already has kids, married before, and no longer wants more kids/another marriage? I dont know, I wonder that question to myself many times. Why am I putting myself into this situation? Why am I going after the girl who cant make any of my dreams come true? Why am I going after a girl where she is no longer on the top of the food chain?


Well what can I say, I did put myself here. I am in love, and its quite hard to keep thinking about it. I always think about "what if", but that doesnt help our relationship any. She tells me, "you know there is a one in a million chance that I can still get pregnant", is that suppose to make me feel like there is hope? Ok, there is one chance in a million each time we try, there is hope! Slim chance of it...Like winning the lottery?


Ok, despite the fact that getting into a relationship with a mother/father means its a little more serious than just the typical relationship. Sex here and there, and small talk here and there. We go our ways in a few months with the normal ways.


So would it be worth it despite the fact that he or she has kids? Just like any other person on the face of this earth. She has feelings, she can be loved, and can love. She is just like the girlfriend you took home last week. The only crusher is when you feel like she cant out perform the million of other girls in the world because she can no longer offer what everyone else can.


For me? Every girl can be the same, Its when you find someone who isnt the same that makes you want it more. She is a single mother with kids, who cant make my dreams come true. She tells me dont worry, we will try. It makes me love her so much more that even though there is a one in a million chance that she would ever get pregnant again, she still tells me we will try. So is it worth it? yes its worth it to me.


By all means I am not putting her down, but it just makes it so much more "worth it" to know that even if your not perfect anymore its not the end of the world.
 
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longsocks is offline longsocks Post #7  May 9,2009, 2:02pm
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Mr. Nice Guy,611384 wrote :

Well guys, these really are open-ended questions that depend on the circumstances more or less. However, the most important question of all does not seem to be getting answered accurately. I suppose I need to reword the question:


Could you fall in love with a man/woman who already has one or more children living full-time in their home or would that feel too weird to you?


reworded to:



If you knew a single guy or girl that already had one or more children of his/her own, but you had romantic feelings for this person, would you still get into a relationship with him/her if you both felt you might be right for each other? Would it be worth it despite the fact that he or she already has kids?





DO NOT FORGET THAT THESE QUESTIONS ARE ONLY INTENDED TO BE ANSWERED BY THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE 30 YEARS OF AGE AND UNDER.


Have at it!
Yes. It would be a bitnarrow for me as a mother already to not accept someone because they also have kids. Like I said earlier, the only weird thing for me would be if the kids were too old for me to have given birth to....wouldn't stop me, but would still be strange.


I fall into your 30 and under criteria, but maybe you want to only hear from people who don't have kids of their own already? They would probably have a more varied opinion than those who are already parents.
 
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Mr. Nice Guy is offline Mr. Nice Guy Post #8  May 9,2009, 2:25pm
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longsocks,611414 wrote :

I fall into your 30 and under criteria, but maybe you want to only hear from people who don't have kids of their own already? They would probably have a more varied opinion than those who are already parents.
Exactly. And the only reason why I say '30 and Under' is because even though it's still commonplace, people that young are less likely to have children of their own than older folks. So if the object of your affection is that young and does have children (and you don't), it's more likely to be a bigger issue in a relationship than for someone who is older.
 
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Questions is offline Questions Post #9  May 9,2009, 2:34pm
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Well like someone said, when someone is a parent they are no longer in the running for someone who is single. I do not mean they are not nessarily in the running, but has less of a chance.





simply because they are not able to offer everything a single person can anymore. Mostly because the freedom is limited. Leading to many other cases such as money/freetime/dating issues etcetc. When dating a father/mother and you being the "single", I honestly dont think that it is "harder" on parents. It is in my opinion much harder for the single" person to have to adapt to a parent for a relationship. Singles are use to having freedom, lets go do this, and that, I want to feel loved, while we take a 2 hour walk in the park.


I know people will say, then find someone more like you? its not how the world works, love works in wierd ways. Honestly I would love to hear from singles who have dated a mother/father, and express how much harder it made life to care and love for them.


I understand your question OP, but its very broad, as many people have different views on this subject. Some see it as "they are used up" so no I wont date them, Some see it as "they wont be able to make time for me", some see it as "they cant make any of my dreams come true", some see it as, "I would date them because although different, still a person". It keeps going on and on.


So I guess its time for a revise of the question :P
 
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stevex is offline stevex Post #10  May 9,2009, 6:54pm
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Mr. Nice Guy, wrote :

Could you fall in love with a man/woman who already has one or more children living full-time in their home or would that feel too weird to you?
You ask, could I fall in love with a woman who already has one or more children and the answer to that question is yes. That doesn't mean that I think it is sure to work or even if I would try to make it work. I do not want children myself, and while it isn't always the case. There have been numerous threads here on the subject, many women claim the child would not be part of their mans life; however, that may be true to a certain extent, if one got serious enough with someone over time the child would obviously become part of my life. Not saying I would become the kids father because of it, but if the kid didn't have a father it could makes things awkward.


To make a long story short, and without diving into all the possiblescenarios, the overall idea of me being with a woman with a child or children doesn't appeal to me. However, if I met a lovely woman who knows how I would react to the situation at hand. It is rather interesting, because I have met tons of women my age who have kids or who want kids (I am a few weeks from turning 21). Lucky for me, the match I am currently in OC with also doesn't want children.
 
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