A Question for Young People 30 and Under...


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healthb is offline healthb Post #21  May 22,2009, 7:47am
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outlaw1 wrote :
I know, I took care of another woman's child till he was an adult. A friend of mine named Anthony took care of a woman and her three children. When Anthony was 50, he lost his job due to cost cutting. Soon after his wife kicked him out of his house (she had a boyfriend.) He tried to be self-employed but he was broken hearted.Soon hedied while on the toilet of a hospital (massive heart attack.)

For stepfathers, it can be a thankless job. When the child becomes an adult, there's a good chance you will rarely hear from them again. A lot of men are used for their paychecks. Women get another man and all that suffering you did for someone else's child is for naught. Unless of course you get lucky and the woman "keeps" you in her life. It's a gamble.
This is an unfortunate truth, Outlaw. One I have seen happen first-hand from the other side of things as a kid with step-parents. My mother was married to my stepfather for over 20 years and one day, she surprises him with divorce papers. Not that he didn't deserve it in this case, but I am sure it was still hurtful and I feel sorry for him in many ways, because a large chunk of his life is gone now and I am sure he feels pretty bad about things, too.

After I left the house, I barely spoke to him unless my mom had me to family functions. I felt forced to have a relationship with him as I do with both my step-parents unfortunately. I may sound a bit harsh, but the connection you have with your own children will always supersede those of a step-child and from my experience. In addition, when I spend time with my father and his family, I notice a lot of differences in the way I am treated - i.e. pictures of my half-sisters adorn the walls of the house and in my step-grandparents homes, my step-mother is controlling with the relationship I have with my half-sisters, etc. It's normal, she feels protective of her own children and I am not part of the family in many respects. I know it's not PC to say it, but it's the truth.

After my experience, I will never date a man who has a child from a previous marriage. I have met some great men in this boat, too, but I just don't want to deal with the hassles and baggage that come with step-kids. I ask that up front on dates to make sure I don't develop feelings for him.

I also tend to shy away from men who asked for a divorce as it often shows a lack of commitment. If a woman cheats on them or they make efforts to make amends, go to counseling, then that's one thing, but I tend to scrutinize divorcees heavily because of my own experience. Also, if they have divorced more than once, I end things before they start.
 
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Rand_011 is offline Rand_011 Post #22  May 22,2009, 10:24am
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Dating a woman with kids is fine by me ... I do have a caveat though ... If the biological father is an active member of their and by extension my date/gf's life ... Then it is a deal breaker. Also, if the kids are not within an age range I could have had biologiclly, that would be a bit difficult to handle.
 
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Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #23  May 22,2009, 11:12pm
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Nope. Kids are a deal-breaker. I'm not ready to take on someone's kids, emotionally or financially.
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #24  May 23,2009, 12:20am
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ok, i'm past 30 now... but one of my godchildren came to live with me aways back. she had/has two living biological parents.

anyways, humans are an alloparenting species. that means fathers and other non-related adults participate in the raising of the young (which is unusual for primates). it is natural. i think if you understand that, you can become an alloparent, i.e. another parent.

i think it also helps to understand that parental authority is not all about giving commands and having them followed. obedience from children is not all about them toe-ing a line you set. if you go at it like that, i think chances are you will have a lot of trouble taking on a child... even one that's actually biologically yours.
 
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celia23511 is offline celia23511 Post #25  May 23,2009, 6:18pm
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I'm 32. But i want to post a comment because i want you to know my point of view.
when i was in my 20s, i would not want to date single dad. And the reason i didn't want to date single dad, because i didn't have much experience about life. I thought dating a single guy is better than single dad. However, after choosing to be a single mom, and be a single mom, i see that there's no different dating single dad or single guy (i prefer single dad that has 1or2 kids only). the reason i limit the number of kids because i don't want to deal with too many kids.

Why do i think it's ok to date single dad, because i love children. I think children need love from us. We should be their positive role model. Therefore, as being a single mom, I would want to be with a guy, who accept my daughter like his own. And the reason i said treat my daughter like his own because the bio-father is out of the pic.

Basically, it all depends on the circunstances. You really have to look at the single parents and the number of kids and how well the kids behave. then you would see if you could date the single parents.
 
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hambone1982 is offline hambone1982 Post #26  May 23,2009, 9:10pm
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OP,

I steer clear of women with children even if I like them b/c if I get involved with a woman with children, then I am not just getting involved with that woman, but also with her ex, her kids, her ex's new wife, her ex's new kids.......

Baby Mama Drama.... no thanks.
 
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DyannaLynn is offline DyannaLynn Post #27  June 15,2009, 5:49pm
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boccabum wrote :
In most cases, the kid(s) already have 2 parents. It's not necessary or required to accept the children of someone you're with as "your own". Trying to do that just might be met with hostility from the kid and the other parent!


A step-parent can be a good friend and role model for a child for sure but he/she should also know their bounderies. If the other parent is involved or still alive then you need to know your place in their family. Remember, you're the outsider in their already exisiting family.
I absolutely agree with this statement. I don't plan on having children of my own. I hope to foster children in the coming years. I am more than willing to acept someone who has children full time or part time in their care. Short of giving birth(which won't happen) I would never been one of the parents to these kids and that is a boundary that shouldn't be crossed. It requires a hybrid sort of relationship, mentor/friend/role-model as well as rule maker and enforcer.

As a child of blended families, my overall response is don't try to be the parent where you are not the biological, you have to be something else, but whatever you decide to be, be good at it, be consistent and be true to yourself and the child.
 
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stevex is offline stevex Post #28  June 16,2009, 2:24pm
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An interesting twist to this is that I recently began talking to a woman from Chemistry.com who is a divorced mother. She is really awesome, and I think that I would be more than willing at this point to see what could happen if it goes further. Who knows, I might end up thinking her kids are awesome.
 
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avinash is offline avinash Post #29  June 16,2009, 2:54pm
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I wouldn't have a problem being with a woman who already has kids, in fact some of the girls i'm matched with who seem to have many of the traits i'm interested in have kids
 
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orangepenmen31 is offline orangepenmen31 Post #30  June 16,2009, 3:15pm
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9 out of every 10 women they set me up with here on eH is mother ranging from 20 to 30. Initially I was a bit weary of it, but the first person I got into OC with was a mother of 2 and close to 30. And I realized that the kids made a great topic of conversation and showed me how she could realistically be mature and responsible. She would naturally be someone cautious of time and money, which I admire because it's similar to my personality. I never found out for sure though, she stopped responding to emails for no apparent reason I can find, but at least I learned that I wouldn't be bothered by it after all. It wasn't a worthless experience. I'd absolutely try it again.
 
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