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anita925 anita925 is offline
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Do I tell her, even though it didn't turn out to be anything? Would it just do more harm to her if she knew her live-in ex-husband was testing the waters? I shouldn't have gone, but, I did. I won't see him again unless she is with him so should I leave well enough alone? Or does she have the right to know?


I screwed up. How can I best keep it from becoming anything else? Help!?!
- May 2nd, 2009, 08:55 am
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argytunes argytunes is offline
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You didn't indicate how close your friendship with his EX is? But if I were you...I'd keep the date to myself! In other words...leave well enough alone.


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- May 2nd, 2009, 09:22 am
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tbesq tbesq is offline
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Don't say anything. That fact that her ex-husband asked for your company would make her angry. The fact that you actually went over to the place will make her even angrier. If you hadn't gone over there I would say sure, tell her. But now that you're just as culpable, you're better off just keeping it to yourself.
- May 2nd, 2009, 09:50 am
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bravethestorm bravethestorm is offline
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See that's just the thing...it will always be the "elephant in the room" because it happened. If you had not gone, that would have been the time to tell her. Now you are equally guilty in her eyes as odds are she would never believe you that nothing happened or think you are lying that he asked.


It's a no win situation for you and them both. I personally feel sorry for the lady with that man if she hopes to start that relationship again.


Honestly, it's going to be a lot of acting or a weird situation if you do see the guy even with her there. it's very hard to wipe the slate clean and pretend that nothing happened.


Knowing myself...if I was in your shoes...I'd assume my friendship with both was over and probably tell the woman why I am not comfortable anymore. Then any guilt for going would be off my chest and she can make up her own mind.
- May 2nd, 2009, 10:09 am
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MelinCali MelinCali is offline
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bravethestorm wrote :


See that's just the thing...it will always be the "elephant in the room" because it happened. If you had not gone, that would have been the time to tell her. Now you are equally guilty in her eyes as odds are she would never believe you that nothing happened or think you are lying that he asked.


It's a no win situation for you and them both. I personally feel sorry for the lady with that man if she hopes to start that relationship again.


Honestly, it's going to be a lot of acting or a weird situation if you do see the guy even with her there. it's very hard to wipe the slate clean and pretend that nothing happened.


Knowing myself...if I was in your shoes...I'd assume my friendship with both was over and probably tell the woman why I am not comfortable anymore. Then any guilt for going would be off my chest and she can make up her own mind.


I see the point of what the others have posted about not telling your friend, but the personal choice for me would be as bravethestorm has said.


I could not keep a lie going like that with someone whom I consider a real friend. I just couldn't live with myself--I value honesty too much.


What you did showed really bad judgment. Maybe if you explain, accept responsibility and can show how truly sorry you are, you might save your friendship if your friend values your relationship enough. Your actions have not actually demonstrated that YOU value that friendship so much.


It is her right to decide whether she would want to remain friends with someone who would date her ex behind her back and call herself a friend.


I might be sounding harsh, but honesty is one of my top core values and I expect that in the people I would call friend.
- May 2nd, 2009, 10:30 am
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no good can come of you saying anything.


you need to stay out of their relationship and mind your own beeswax.
- May 2nd, 2009, 12:15 pm
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There's a rule among my friends which says that we don't date each other's ex-husbands or ex-boyfriends-at least, soon after the breakup.
- May 2nd, 2009, 12:24 pm
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I have a bit of a different take. In the college-age crowd, I do not find it uncommon to date someone who previously dated a friend. Granted, words like “friend” and “dated” don’t mean the same thing to everybody, and clearly an ex-spouse is different.


Still, an ex is an ex, and therefore available. Exes living together seems so unusual that it is not your fault for not knowing (it is not clear in your OP that you knew at the time that they live together.) In any case, absent a promise not to date, I’d say he is free to do so, and it happened to be you.


I would not be bothered if a past partner of mine dated a friend. That we were not right for each other is not a pronouncement on their viability as a couple.


***


I am not keen on keeping secrets generally – this just creates a compounding problem of piling on deceit to keep something in the dark.
- May 2nd, 2009, 02:37 pm
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meri75 meri75 is offline
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I was curious to see this topic. I have never understood the unwritten rule about not dating ex-partners of my female friends. I have only one previous bf I don't want my friends dating, and that is because he sometimes becomes physically violent. I have two friends who when the first marriage broke up, they re-married the other's partner and they are all still friends.
- May 2nd, 2009, 04:40 pm
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angelofmerci angelofmerci is offline
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Only one thing makes this situation a problem, that he is living with his ex. Since you did not say how long they have been divorced there is no way to know just how really awkward this situation is. To my way of thinking once a couple breaks up then they are both free to date whoever they want to without getting the other's approval. If he has been divorced six months or more I can see no problem. To my way of thinking why should I eliminate someone from the potential dating pool just because they are the ex of a friend.
- May 2nd, 2009, 04:40 pm
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