heyuimintojsus is offline heyuimintojsus Post #1  April 29,2009, 6:11am
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Here is my situation. I'm 29, never had a girlfriend before until now. She is 26, and I am her first date, first boyfriend, everything.


We have been in a relationship for three months. I have doubts if she and I have enough to build a strong relationship. She is just now opening up more in telling me more about herself and volunteering information freely. She is very private. And she recently said she is afraid to being hurt - I responded and said we both have to be vulnerable if we want to make the relationship grow. However, she doesn't ask me many questions, and she hasn't over the past month or more. I can't ask every single question, and you know, I want to feel like she's genuinely interested, too, by asking me questions.


I am a feeling type where conversation is important to me. I don't know if we have any common interests that can build a strong relationship, either. Sports and animals are a big part of my life (I write sports/take sports photos for a newspaper) and I can't wait to have a lab one day when I get a yard. She's not really into either of them, but she's trying. Church and our faith are very important to us, and we do have a couple of differences there, too, but I don't know if it's enough to cut things off.


I appreciate her and her friendship very much. But I feel like I'm missing things in the conversation. Like I can talk to my other girl friends and go on and on about nothing, and we're having fun. Sometimes it feels like our conversation is strained. She's very indecisive and a people pleaser. She would do anything for me, and I would for her, too. But I also don't have that emotional attachment that I thought I would have by now. I've had friends suggest go on other dates or talking to other women to see if I miss her or for comparison. I have a hard time doing that because I'd feel like I'm going behind her back.


What kinds of things does it take to build a strong relationship? Our faith and church is most important. After that, I don't know. The similar interests are very limited, nothing I feel like we can talk about for a long time.


Any input?
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #2  April 29,2009, 7:07am
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hey hey!


Welcome to EHA!


(Not trying to rhyme away...)


She's your first girlfriend and you've had fun. You each taught each other a lot of new and important things but the relationship has reached the point where your goals are diverging. This signals the end of a relationship.


It's time to end this relationship. This may take you a number of months to realize. But it's going to end sooner or later.


Then you are going to need time to grieve this relationship. (Don't jump for the first girl that smiles at you.)


After you have really resolved in your mind the end of this relationship, then you can get back into the dating pool and find someone that you really do have common interests with.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #3  April 29,2009, 8:37am
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I agree. This relationship does not have enough compatibility to thrive and appreciating her friendship is simply not enough. After all this time, conversation should flow. Why would she not want to know everything about you?


You also don't have enough common interests and your girlfriend is going along with these things for now because she is a people pleaser. In the long rug, she will give up trying to share these interests with you or resent doing them.


I am a firm believer that relationships are about compromise, but I would be wary about someone making lots of changes to get a relationship started. Instead, you need to find for someone who really does share some or most your interests.


It's time to chalk it up to a great experience trying out your first relationship and move on back into the dating pool as DDjr said.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  April 29,2009, 9:08am
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Sounds like your personalities are simply not compatable. I know plently of couples that have great relationships without sharing the same hobbies or interests. The reason they work is because their fundamental values are the same and their personalities compliment each other. In your case, your respective personalities grate. Just like you feel like some of your needs are not being met, it is likely that she feels the same or if she doesn't yet, she will later on. If she is private and reserved, she won't change and neither will your need for constant sharing, reinforcment and communication. As the old saying goes, the writing is on the wall on this one.
 
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heyuimintojsus is offline heyuimintojsus Post #5  April 29,2009, 9:31am
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So if this is the case, I hate hurting people's feelings. Being her first date, etc, I'd have no idea to do it. I know I am to do it in person. But she's finally opening up and telling people about us. Before, she didn't like being asked questions bc she thought she was the center of attention. That's kind of why I wonder if I should give it more time. I have asked her if there's anything she don't like about me, and she really hasn't said anything. I've made a lot of friends at her church, and it was a place I could call a church home compared to the other churches I've been. I know that doesn't affect the final decision - I'm not like that - but I have a hard time knowing this would be the right decision or if I should try more time. I know I would probably lose her friendship, and I know I'm going to be the one that everyone looks at as the bad guy. I do want it to work, but what you all have said does make sense.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  April 29,2009, 9:45am
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Well....only you know how you really feel. As far as I'm concerned, when you've made a bad investment cut your losses and move on. Don't keep throwing more money down the drain. That's just my two cents.


Are you hesitant about breaking things off because you are much happier than your post indicates or are you affraid of the consequences in the church community and "being the bad guy"? I think "being the bad guy" would be to drag this out longer and then have to break up anyway.
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #7  April 29,2009, 9:46am
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Ultimately, only you can decide. If you think things are actually getting better and want to give it more time then that's your choice.


The unfortunate fact is that this is both of you's first relationship, and therefore pretty much doomed (whether it's doomed in the short run or it's going to take 5 years of marriage is another question).
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #8  April 29,2009, 12:15pm
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heyuimintojsus, wrote :

Here is my situation. I'm 29, never had a girlfriend before until now. She is 26, and I am her first date, first boyfriend, everything.


We have been in a relationship for three months. I have doubts if she and I have enough to build a strong relationship. She is just now opening up more in telling me more about herself and volunteering information freely. She is very private. And she recently said she is afraid to being hurt - I responded and said we both have to be vulnerable if we want to make the relationship grow. However, she doesn't ask me many questions, and she hasn't over the past month or more. I can't ask every single question, and you know, I want to feel like she's genuinely interested, too, by asking me questions.


I am a feeling type where conversation is important to me. I don't know if we have any common interests that can build a strong relationship, either. Sports and animals are a big part of my life (I write sports/take sports photos for a newspaper) and I can't wait to have a lab one day when I get a yard. She's not really into either of them, but she's trying. Church and our faith are very important to us, and we do have a couple of differences there, too, but I don't know if it's enough to cut things off.


I appreciate her and her friendship very much. But I feel like I'm missing things in the conversation. Like I can talk to my other girl friends and go on and on about nothing, and we're having fun. Sometimes it feels like our conversation is strained. She's very indecisive and a people pleaser. She would do anything for me, and I would for her, too. But I also don't have that emotional attachment that I thought I would have by now. I've had friends suggest go on other dates or talking to other women to see if I miss her or for comparison. I have a hard time doing that because I'd feel like I'm going behind her back.


What kinds of things does it take to build a strong relationship? Our faith and church is most important. After that, I don't know. The similar interests are very limited, nothing I feel like we can talk about for a long time.


Any input?
The fun of dating has its pitfalls too. One of which is that most people suffer through a breakup at one point of their lives. In fact, I can only think of one couple that has been together without ever dating other people first.


Why don't you use this posting as the basis for your break up talk? It was gently written and if anything, you'll be giving her the gift of a considerate break up. It'll be tough for her. She'll cry and beg you not to do it. But in the end, she'll be better off because she can find someone more like her. Right?
 
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Shelby is offline Shelby Post #9  April 29,2009, 3:28pm
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Sounds like you need more intellectual stimulation than she can provide. This would be a HUGE dealbreaker for me -- do you want some one who has no interests of her own?


I think you should tell her that you want to take a step back and date each other as friends, and see if she can open up more. Yes it will hurt her, but it would hurt more if you ignored your own feelings, stayed longer, and settled for what could be an unsatisfying relationship.


Don't let the issue about being seen as the bad guy affect your decision too much if you break up with her -- otherwise you would be trying to be a people-pleaser too, at the expense of your happiness.
 
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