thebeeknows is offline thebeeknows Post #1  April 28,2009, 11:31am
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I really do need advice!





Someone I care about is absolutely broke...in that he hasn't worked in 2 years ( in anything that pays him).


He is creative, witty, fun, musical and eloquent. He is also 60 years old and a diabetic.


My problem is that when he could not pay his own rent a few months ago I mentioned to him that he would not be out on the street....ie he could crash here......I regret saying that as he is now wanting to move in with me.


I amthinkingthis is out of desperation vs. love. I am afraid to commit to the financial and emotional support that I think he is needing.


Advice please!!!!!
 
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NoClue is offline NoClue Post #2  April 28,2009, 5:11pm
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I think you answered your own question when you said "I regret saying that as he is now wanting to move in with me."


You seem to care about him which is admirable. But, you also cannot take responsibility for his life.


My advice is if you decide to let him move in would be to set very clear boundries such as how much money he is responsible for contributing to the household each month and/or setting a time limit for him to find a job or else he needs to find someone else to live with.


He wasn't worked in 2 years??!! That's strange. There's always some place hiring for even a little bit of money, like fast food jobs. Not many folks really wants to work in Fast Food but at least it's a job, right? Someone serious about taking care of themselves will take whatever work they canwhereas someone looking for a sugar mamma will play the "I can't find a job...poor me" card!


So, I agree...you are in a sticky situation because you offered and now he wants to take you up on it. So, either tell him you've changed your mind or you will have to select very, very clear boundries of which you will be able to defend later.


Good luck in whatever path you choose!
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  April 28,2009, 5:57pm
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I think you need to make two decisions, one technical and one emotional.


The emotional one is are you willing to support a man[/b]? (As men have done for women forever.) If no, then have the personal integrity to look him in the eye and say so. If yes, will there be conditions on it (he tends your home, whatever)? This is for you to decide and negotiate with your partner.


The technical question is to assess if he brings something to the table that is unknown[/b] to you – perhaps an inheritance is in his future?


***


A general comment: a person who is needing some support is not necessarily out to take from you. (sure, that is a risk, but I think the risk is actually higher with people who appear stable.)


Good question!
 
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suga_73 is offline suga_73 Post #4  April 28,2009, 8:43pm
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thebeeknows, wrote :

I really do need advice!





Someone I care about is absolutely broke...in that he hasn't worked in 2 years ( in anything that pays him).


He is creative, witty, fun, musical and eloquent. He is also 60 years old and a diabetic.


My problem is that when he could not pay his own rent a few months ago I mentioned to him that he would not be out on the street....ie he could crash here......I regret saying that as he is now wanting to move in with me.


I amthinkingthis is out of desperation vs. love. I am afraid to commit to the financial and emotional support that I think he is needing.


Advice please!!!!!

I understand that you may care about this guy but you dont want to get yourself into somthing you cant get yourself out of. I feel he has to take a step as well its easy to say to yourself that i need this companionship but you have to say to yourself do you need it this bad that you have to settle for less.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #5  April 29,2009, 7:37am
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I am in agreement with those who posted above. If I lost my job, there is no way I would go for 2 years without employment and supporting myself, even if that meant taking one or more very menial jobs that are well below my level of education. I always question the thinking of someone who will not work because the only jobs available are "beneath them" but they are willing to suffer financial ruin or rely on tax payers or a "loved" one to take care of them.


I have on a couple occasions opened my door to a friend with no money to stay for a while on my couch or in a spare bedroom, but there has always been a fixed period of time set for their stay (connected to finishing a degree).


How in the world are you going to decide when he has stayed long enough, if there is not pre-set time limit? How are you then going to get him out? Especially if he is still broke and jobless. You would then be the one turning him out on the street--do you think you can do that?


He did not pay his rent a few months ago, but is that a one time thing? Has he stopped since your offer?


To me, just being creative, witty, fun and eloquant is not enough of a contribution--he needs to do something tangible that supports himself. Whatever he has been doing in this two year time period that doesn't pay him is a luxury. I would expect someone at his age to have a grasp on what it takes to manage his life and support himself and I wouldn't have made that offer in the first place for fear of picking up a leech.


The ball is in your court and you need to decide whether you care about this man enough for him to become your dependent for good. Do you want a 60 year old child? I will be interested to see if others have better suggestions on how you can help him and set up boundaries that mean you aren't stuck with him for good (or putting him out on the street at a later date), but I got nuthin'!
 
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lalalana is offline lalalana Post #6  April 29,2009, 8:34am
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By any chance, is he a veteran? There are some benefits and programs out there to help him. (let me know, and I can point you and him in the direction).


I'd say you offered, but don't have to be stuck.


Do you belong to a church? You can go to the pastor there and ask if there is someone who has space for him or work? If you don't belong to a church, you can still find one. If there is a large one in your community, there's usually people there that really have their heart in this kind of situation and have resources and information.


Last resort... if you do take him in. Break out a contract. (print it from the computer instead of handwriting because it will make more of an impression). make the contract for a certain amount of time and require some payment for rent. although work around the house should be included. make him pay $50 or $100 a week.. whatever is appropriate for the space and the house/apt after the first month make it something that forces him to take that month to get a job. if he doesn't have a car, you could even go so far to get him a month bus pass (senior rate), so that he can go looking for a job without an excuse or asking you to drive him.


the offer to help is fantastic, but not only are you opening yourself up to emotional and financial damage, you would be enabling him if it's just a handout. so, if you want to keep to your offer, do it. but give him a hand up and a little kick in the butt, by making him take ownership.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #7  April 29,2009, 2:36pm
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To MelinCali[/b],


This is a matter of personal values, but I do not agree that it is always correct.


For one thing, deciding to apply more time to the search for appropriate employment in lieu of pursuing current cash-in through a poverty-wage job is a reasonable cost-benefit trade-off, which will prove correct in some cases.


(I was unemployed once, and I decided to take temporary work – which usually barely paid the cost of driving to work – instead of the exploitative offers I was getting, because I believed that time would reveal better offers and the temporary work serves as a “trial period” interview, which studies have shown to be of benefit to job-seekers. Thankfully I had the wherewithal to have options.)


For another, a 60 year old office worker (an assumption) with a medical condition is not necessarily able to work many menial jobs, which often require standing and / or lifting.


Further, supporting a spouse / potential spouse is not the same as supporting a friend or other family member. Doing so may be a shock to women, but men are accustomed to it from the earliest stages of dating.


To lalalana[/b],


Getting a contract for any situation in which you give a person money is always an excellent idea. You should, and you should pursue collection in the event they do not repay you. This allows a tax deduction.
 
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Shelby is offline Shelby Post #8  April 29,2009, 3:14pm
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You say he's someone you care about, but is this a romantic relationship? What is the actual relationship? Is he a good friend? lover? Do you think he is offering his affections in exchange for moving in with you on the pretext of furthering the relationship?


I think you should list out specifically what your fears are, and discuss the list with him to see if he can address your concerns. Tell him, "I know I made this suggestion a few months ago, but I'm thinking it won't work out, and I don't want to lose our friendship over it." Then if he presses, you'll have the specific reasons spelled out. If he gets upset, let him. It's your home and your sanity you're trying to preserve.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #9  April 29,2009, 4:45pm
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D_Lion,598451 wrote :


To MelinCali[/b] ,


This is a matter of personal values, but I do not agree that it is always correct.


For one thing, deciding to apply more time to the search for appropriate employment in lieu of pursuing current cash-in through a poverty-wage job is a reasonable cost-benefit trade-off, which will prove correct in some cases.


(I was unemployed once, and I decided to take temporary work – which usually barely paid the cost of driving to work – instead of the exploitative offers I was getting, because I believed that time would reveal better offers and the temporary work serves as a “trial period” interview, which studies have shown to be of benefit to job-seekers. Thankfully I had the wherewithal to have options.)


For another, a 60 year old office worker (an assumption) with a medical condition is not necessarily able to work many menial jobs, which often require standing and / or lifting.


Further, supporting a spouse / potential spouse is not the same as supporting a friend or other family member. Doing so may be a shock to women, but men are accustomed to it from the earliest stages of dating.





While I do see your point to some extent D_Lion, I am not totally understanding it.


Are you suggesting it is better to be unemployed for two years, exhaust your resources to the point that you can no longer pay your rent, but in the meantime continue your creative endeavors that do not earn a living? This latter point is in reference to the OP comment: "he hasn't worked in 2 years (in anything that pays him".


I do believe there is a lot of information missing from the OP on the actual fitness of this gentleman and if there actually has been an effort on his part to find employment in that time (although unsuccessful). Also, what is the real extent of this relationship? Hopefully the OP will return and enlighten us.


It seems to me that you and I have both "filled in the blanks" a bit in our interpretations and are both making assumptions (see bold in quote). I may be wrong about what I posted (in this one and my first), but it wouldn't be the first time. I do however stand by what I have said as it stems from my values unless and until I see more information to clarify the situation and change my mind.


Edit: Another Question: Re: "Further, supporting a spouse / potential spouse is not the same as supporting a friend or other family member. Doing so may be a shock to women, but men are accustomed to it from the earliest stages of dating."


Are you suggesting men are more accustomed to supporting a spouse/potential spouse OR a friend or family member? I am not clear of what you are saying here.
 
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coeuri is offline coeuri Post #10  April 29,2009, 5:27pm
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Just point blank from a past experieince ..... there is no such thing as setting responsible limits to someone who has decided their specific nonfinancial endeavours earn them a right to your support. If you have cold feet, follow your gut .... this kind of commitment should only be made if you really have it in you to make it without reservation. Frankly, After having let someone in my home, I met that someone at the bus stop after one antic too manywith his trunk in the trunk of my car, got my keys from him and dropped him off where he specified (even though he made it a place meant to embarrass me into not doing that) and getting those cold feet is a decision I have never regretted.
 
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