Can't get angry ,Can't get over him.....Help plz


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PurdyLo is offline PurdyLo Post #1  April 26,2009, 9:23pm
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I just signed up to this website and decided to vent and maybe get some good feedback that will help me get some closure. I have been hurt soo many times as I'm sure most of us have, and everybody says don't look for love it will find you. My story goes like this, I met a guy at work who was going through a divorce and although I had seen him around we didn't know each other. Another colleague of mine calls me up and gives me his number and says this gentleman would like to talk to me, I say what the heck can't hurt. Well.....this first conversation took place thelast day of June and we immediately started talking, texting, hanging out, ALL the time. We clicked perfectly.....He has 2 kids I had 5 and was pregnant at the time with number 6 (not his) we spent the weekends together it was wonderful, we were soo in love, he said I love you first btw! By October I sensed things not being right we talked and I told him I could back away he cried and said ,no I NEED YOU dont back off....don't worry its just the stress of the divorce and work.....He said, I wish you knew how much I really loved you........So I was ok, we were ok.....note my baby was due end of DEC..... now 2nd weekend in Nov he was coming to my house for the weekend he had to cancel and said the ex was not going to let him seehis lil girl if I was going to be around, he was devastated. He said we need to keep things quiet and that it was only temporary that hopefully things would be final by Dec. I said ok. Within one week my good morning sunshine text he sent every morning went to a few days a weekand within 2 weeks our goodnite calls went to maybeonce that week. By the first week of Dec he was no longer communicating. We had 2 different conversations over a two week period where I begged him to tell me if things with mewere not working for him anymore and he said everything was ok. I said PLEASE promise you will let me know if there not I don't want you to be afraid of getting out of something your not happy in, he said he was fine and he loved me. Dec 18 he sent me a text that said tomorrow its finally over, and I said does that mean we can have a normal relationship? He said yes. Dec 20th he left for vaction, Cancun, I went into labor Dec 21st. I called and left several messages He got back a week later and it took 3 days maybe 4 before he called me to check on me and the baby. We talked for thirty mins and that was the last conversation we had on the phone. After 4 weeks I went back to work, saw him a few times and he smiled at me. I waited and I waited for him to come to me....I have been through divorce and I know how devastating it can be and the shock you go through. I was sympathetic and had soo much compassion for him, I truly loved him. I wasn't and to this day have been unable to be angry with him for how he treated me and how he acted. I went through alot of the normal emotions except anger. In February I wrote andtold him how much I loved him and how I wish I could help him but I couldn't continue to be completely ignored especially by someone who said they loved me more than I would ever know and theywanted to spend the rest of their life with me, it hurt too bad. I dropped the letter off with his house keys. Still no response and this was in mid Feb. I was let go from my job Mar 10th so I have not seen him. I have a bunch of furniture at his house I need to go get but just can't get myself to go over there. I cry myself to sleepatleast 3 times a week and he is in my brain everyday most of the day long. You have to understand I am a christian and he is too, we went to church together and he was the first man that ever prayed with me. And the night he did that was the night I knew he was the one. He had most everything I had prayed and asked God for. His behavior is so unexplainable and not the person I fell in love with. And when we were together and we talked I knew he was sincere. I don't know how to move on, I want to but I hurt more than I have ever hurt in my life and the sad thing is I hurt for him because I know he is not happy, I know he is truly wounded. He never saw the divorce coming and then found out she had been abusing his boy he had previous the marriage. He has alot to deal with and adjust to and maybe his feelings for me were too scary for him, I don't know. I just wish he had found a better way to deal with me than he did. I know this is a long post and if you read it and have any advice for me I would truly be thankful. Thank you all.....
 
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bravethestorm is offline bravethestorm Post #2  April 26,2009, 11:51pm
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There's a quote I go to in situations like this...called the serenity prayer.


God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.



He's made some choices...he may make more...they may or may not include you. Either way...you can't change him and it's not your place to try.


You can change yourself. Take care of yourself....find things you enjoy...look for the smiles in each day. He may have seemed perfect but for timing or something else...it wasn't. So focus on what you can change...your own attitude and look for someone that will treat you the right way when your heart heals.


Now the wisdom part is what takes the longest time...do some personal reflection. This isn't beating yourself up for him disappearing. Rather it is moving forward with what you did find positive in the relationship and enjoying what you learned. Throw out the excuses...obstacles...and just enjoy your days. Find the life lessons...and the laughs when your children or friends make you smile.


Right now it sounds like you've dug a pretty good hole or cave to hide out in... *handing you a shovel* to start your way back to the surface!


Hang in there...rock bottom there's only one way to go...up where the sunshine is sure to be!
 
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yoga_gal is offline yoga_gal Post #3  April 27,2009, 5:31am
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PurdyLo


Just want to echo what Brave wrote. Very good advice. Hope you are able to follow it and move on. It is never easy but just remember what you are doing now is not bringing you back OR bringing you any joy or happiness. All the best to you.
 
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flgal is offline flgal Post #4  April 27,2009, 9:09am
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bravethestorm,595427 wrote :

There's a quote I go to in situations like this...called the serenity prayer.


God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.


He's made some choices...he may make more...they may or may not include you. Either way...you can't change him and it's not your place to try.


You can change yourself. Take care of yourself....find things you enjoy...look for the smiles in each day. He may have seemed perfect but for timing or something else...it wasn't. So focus on what you can change...your own attitude and look for someone that will treat you the right way when your heart heals.


Now the wisdom part is what takes the longest time...do some personal reflection. This isn't beating yourself up for him disappearing. Rather it is moving forward with what you did find positive in the relationship and enjoying what you learned. Throw out the excuses...obstacles...and just enjoy your days. Find the life lessons...and the laughs when your children or friends make you smile.


Right now it sounds like you've dug a pretty good hole or cave to hide out in... *handing you a shovel* to start your way back to the surface!


Hang in there...rock bottom there's only one way to go...up where the sunshine is sure to be!
I agree with bravethestorm's great advice.
 
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Country_girl is offline Country_girl Post #5  April 27,2009, 9:35am
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Purdylo,


I've cried myself to sleep many times too, and I know how disturbing it can be, but believe me you aren't doing yourself any favors, and probably not your children either, by continuing to think about him. You say you are a Christian, so the best thing to do now is turn your thoughts to the Lord. This is very difficult, I know, it means that every time "he" pops into your mind, you must consciously try to think about something else, preferably something positive like Bravethestorm said. It helped me to pray as Jesus prayed too, "Not my will, but Yours be done". It's a matter of accepting that God has something better for you, even if it does not feel that way right now.


Remember our feelings are a result of what we believe. If we can change what we believe, our feelings will follow. That may be hard to do, but worth it!
 
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FirewomanLynne is offline FirewomanLynne Post #6  April 27,2009, 12:32pm
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I also agree with what Bravethestorm said. I also think you should go and get your things from this mans house. Leaving your things there, only leaves a tie to him. And I think it's time to start over, you do have a new baby to think about! Good luck to you!
 
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MikeInGermany is offline MikeInGermany Post #7  April 28,2009, 12:17pm
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PurdyLo, wrote :
Quite a story and as I was reading it, the answer I was forming in my mind was said much more eloquently by Brave than I could have hoped to have said it. Take care of you, change the things you can, and remeber tha God will never leave you nor foresake you. Be Blessed.





Mike
 
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