Is he being a committment phobia or just moving extremely cautious?


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sugar_caines is offline sugar_caines Post #1  April 25,2009, 3:23pm
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Bear with me, as this is my first time visiting these boards, but I would appreciate any advice or opinions given. So here goes:


I met the man that I was currently dating about a year ago. When we met, we instantly hit it off. However, one of the things that he did bring up very early on is that he had only recently come out of a very long relationship (8 years) about a year agoand was only now getting back into the swing of dating. As such, he just wanted totake things slow and see where it led.


I was fine with it, and will admit that I continued togo out on other dates because I too was unsure about where this will lead. But somehow, we both felt intrigued with each other to keep talking and keep seeing each other. However, I never felt as if heswitched from viewing himself as 'single' instead of being someone who could potentially be in a relationship.


The first time that I ever got a glimpse that mabye he was finally warming up to the idea of really opening up and letting me into his life was when I went away for a few weeks. Immediately when I came back, he couldnt stop gushing about how much he truly missed me and hadnt even expected that he would miss me like that until I was gone. He was also concerned about what I was doing or if I was seeing anyone else and that he truly never knew what he had until I was gone.


We still took thingsextremely slow to the point where I stillhave not brought him to meet the family and vice versa. I've only met his twin, who knows about me, and he's met a few of my close friends. Sometimes he would make small comments to me like I have to understand that he's now getting used to once again having a constant companion in his life.


So I guess my question/issue is, how can i tell for sure that this man may want something more from what we have (if anything at all!)? I do not doubt that he isattracted tome. I also don't doubt that he sees me as a good friend and companion. But what I want to know isif he can see himself being ready for another committment? I sense this hesitation on his part about wanting to open up completely and commit seriously to another person, yet he's also the same one who would make frequent jokes about how he's met his wife and he can't wait for us to have and raise our kids and live in our dream home.


I just cant figure him out! does he want a serious relationship again or am i being stringed along? should I take him seriously when he makes those jokes about marriage and kids? should i give him time and space to work on himself and what he wants and needs from a woman?
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #2  April 25,2009, 6:14pm
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Sugar_Caines,


Welcome to the eHarmony discussion boards.


In order to really know where your relationship is going, we would need a much more detailed chronology of what has been going on with you two over the past year. I understand that you went away for awhile, that he was in a relationship for a long time before you two met, that when you returned from being gone he expressed how much he missed you, and that you haven't met much of each other's family.


It sounds like your relationship doesn't have much rhythm yet. That is, the relationship is moving forward in a rather erratic fashion, not in a harmonious, joint step-by-step process. Therefore, it is making it harder for you, as a woman, to assess where you really are in your relationship and how far it's going to go.


Irecommend you have a serious talk about it with him. Sometimes men dread having the "where is this going?" conversation, but I think it's appropriate in your situation. It's been a year now, that's more than long enough to determine whether the relationship has meaning. If you feel uncomfortable with the direct approach try a more subtle approach, like suggesting a weekend getaway or something that would definitely show exclusivity and encourage that closeness and chemistry that a couple should have.


In terms of how you believe you should be assessing the situation from an emotional standpoint, I think it better you hear from some of the women here. I hope that I've been somewhat helpful. I wish you the best of luck with your relationship.
 
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sc4me is offline sc4me Post #3  April 25,2009, 7:48pm
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The answer is "time." Everything eventually comes out with time. I guess it's just a matter of how long you can hang with the ambiguity.


All we can do is speculate because we can't put ourselves in your shoes. I would say that from what you describe it sounds as if he is being genuine. He doesn't want to make an 8 year mistake again. But there is no way for me to know for sure.


I guess it is also possible he is stringing you along. He's giving you enough to hang hope on, but nothing more. Has he (or does he) send you flowers and gifts? Has he gone out of his way to do something really nice for you?


If not, he is still in the clutches of that 8 year relationship -- or he's lying to you. The former seems more likely but only he can decide to talk about it with you; only he can decide whether to open up and invite you into his life. It needs to be words AND actions.


I'd just want to know what happened in that 8 year relationship and why. You will be able to tell a lot by his answers.


If he won't tell you that will tell you a lot as well.
 
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Doctora2012 is offline Doctora2012 Post #4  April 25,2009, 7:54pm
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sugar_caines, wrote :

Bear with me, as this is my first time visiting these boards, but I would appreciate any advice or opinions given. So here goes:


I met the man that I was currently dating about a year ago. When we met, we instantly hit it off. However, one of the things that he did bring up very early on is that he had only recently come out of a very long relationship (8 years) about a year agoand was only now getting back into the swing of dating. As such, he just wanted totake things slow and see where it led.


I was fine with it, and will admit that I continued togo out on other dates because I too was unsure about where this will lead. But somehow, we both felt intrigued with each other to keep talking and keep seeing each other. However, I never felt as if heswitched from viewing himself as 'single' instead of being someone who could potentially be in a relationship.


The first time that I ever got a glimpse that mabye he was finally warming up to the idea of really opening up and letting me into his life was when I went away for a few weeks. Immediately when I came back, he couldnt stop gushing about how much he truly missed me and hadnt even expected that he would miss me like that until I was gone. He was also concerned about what I was doing or if I was seeing anyone else and that he truly never knew what he had until I was gone.


We still took thingsextremely slow to the point where I stillhave not brought him to meet the family and vice versa. I've only met his twin, who knows about me, and he's met a few of my close friends. Sometimes he would make small comments to me like I have to understand that he's now getting used to once again having a constant companion in his life.


So I guess my question/issue is, how can i tell for sure that this man may want something more from what we have (if anything at all!)? I do not doubt that he isattracted tome. I also don't doubt that he sees me as a good friend and companion. But what I want to know isif he can see himself being ready for another committment? I sense this hesitation on his part about wanting to open up completely and commit seriously to another person, yet he's also the same one who would make frequent jokes about how he's met his wife and he can't wait for us to have and raise our kids and live in our dream home.


I just cant figure him out! does he want a serious relationship again or am i being stringed along? should I take him seriously when he makes those jokes about marriage and kids? should i give him time and space to work on himself and what he wants and needs from a woman?
Why not just ask him? If you two have been going out for the past year, then presumably you've established a comfort level and can ask him directly where you two stand. It's better to know now, then a year later.





....Best wishes
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #5  April 26,2009, 5:20am
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sugar_caines, wrote :




So I guess my question/issue is, how can i tell for sure that this man may want something more from what we have (if anything at all!)? I do not doubt that he isattracted tome. I also don't doubt that he sees me as a good friend and companion. But what I want to know isif he can see himself being ready for another committment? I sense this hesitation on his part about wanting to open up completely and commit seriously to another person, yet he's also the same one who would make frequent jokes about how he's met his wife and he can't wait for us to have and raise our kids and live in our dream home.


I just cant figure him out! does he want a serious relationship again or am i being stringed along? should I take him seriously when he makes those jokes about marriage and kids? should i give him time and space to work on himself and what he wants and needs from a woman?
You dont say if you have been intimate in your relationship, and just for me personally I would not assume that you have been.


A year is MORE than ample time to know if you want to commit to someone/become exclusive. The jokes are just that... jokes. DOn't read into them something that is not there. He may be joking like that just to string you along. Either way, until it happens, its fantasy mode.


Heres the thing: its NOT JUST ABOUT HIM. It's about you also. Its a relationship.


My personal opinion is that if you want a serious relationship with someone, move on. Again, this guy has had more than enough time to decide if he wants to get serious.


The best way to find this out is NOT A TALK. Just contact him much less. MUCH much less. You have a decision to make. He will make up his mind real fast. Its bs and unfair to you to continue on this way.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  April 26,2009, 5:44am
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Actions speak louder than words. All the comments and jokes are just jokes and you should not be reading anything into them at all. You should find out more about his previous relationship and what caused its demise. Also, was he married or just dated for 8 years? If he only dated for 8 years - that's a huge red flag for you in terms of his lack of capacity to commit.


Overall, figure out what it is that you want and expect from him and this relationship including a clear timeline on how you expect for things to proceed. In other words, you won't stick around and date him in limbo like this for another year or two. You have your needs and your expectations and you need to make those expectations clear to him. He then can do with that as he wishes. Make sure that you are not presenting it as a confrontational ultimatum, just a conversation about your needs in terms of relationships and how they go.
 
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Jayne is offline Jayne Post #7  April 26,2009, 6:23am
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I think that after a year of seeing each other you should feel free to ask him where he sees your relationship going. I also agree that you should get more information about his 8 year relationship that ended. Did that relationship end because he would not commit? If you want to move forward and he does not then you need to prepare yourself to move on. After a year, it is not unreasonable to want to know if he is on the same page as you or not.
 
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sugar_caines is offline sugar_caines Post #8  April 26,2009, 8:52am
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well basically the 8 year relationship started out from when he was in high school and ended when he was around 25. They just dated and never got married. Apparently it was a clash in the girl's religion to even date and for that reason he was never introduced to her family. From what he told me, they just eventually grew apart. It took a whole year before they finally just called it quits and it didn't sound like it was a bitter break up. Just something that ran its course. Hence why I just have a feeling that has a lot to do with how he moves around women and relationships. According to him, that was his first relationshp and first everything, so he hasn't had much to compare against. I'm like the 3rd woman he's dated since his break up with his ex.

There would be times that I would attempt to bring up the subject of us and he would shy away from the topic, so I would not push further until he was ready. Other times, it's he would be the one to bring up why it is he's glad the two of us are dating, because we get along together, could 'talk' about everything, and we're attracted to each other.

Plain and simple he's a mystery that I really cannot figure out lol.
 
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glassonlyhalffull_fillit is offline glassonlyhalffull_fillit Post #9  April 26,2009, 8:54am
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Good points from all here


OP, you said....


The first time that I ever got a glimpse that mabye he was finally warming up to the idea of really opening up and letting me into his life was when I went away for a few weeks. Immediately when I came back, he couldnt stop gushing about how much he truly missed me and hadnt even expected that he would miss me like that until I was gone. He was also concerned about what I was doing or if I was seeing anyone else and that he truly never knew what he had until I was gone.



My questions are,what did you tell him? Are you continuing to date others?


I agree with others who said his words/jokes are just that, words/jokes.


Pay attention to the actions!
 
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sugar_caines is offline sugar_caines Post #10  April 26,2009, 9:04am
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glassonlyhalfful_fillit,


I told him when I was on my vacation that I just hung out with my girlfriends, which was the truth. And I did stop dating others a long time ago. I think his mind just went into overdrive because for the couple of weeks that I was gone, I had absolutely no contact with him. No phone call, texts, emails nothing. And I think that is what ultimately got to him because then he saw what it would be like were I to just stop being with him. Of course this is just my opinion though, but that's the vibe that I was getting from him.
 
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