Is unconditional love a choice?


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lizzywa is offline lizzywa Post #1  April 25,2009, 8:48am
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I have this theory and thought I would see what everyone thinks. I believe that there are stages in love. That you initially fall for someone for physical attraction, then if you communicate and are on the the same outlook in life, you fall deeper in love. But then I believe we all go through a phase where we realize "Mr. Perfect" isn't perfect and that we have to make a choice ... and that is when we choose to accept the flaws and move to unconditional love.


I'm wondering about this, because I think this is the breaking point in many relationships. I think often one person has moved to that "unconditional love" phase, and the other never gets there.


What does everyone think? Am I being overly analytical and this should just be about the heart?
 
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Bandmate is offline Bandmate Post #2  April 25,2009, 9:32am

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lizzywa, wrote :

I have this theory and thought I would see what everyone thinks. I believe that there are stages in love. That you initially fall for someone for physical attraction, then if you communicate and are on the the same outlook in life, you fall deeper in love. But then I believe we all go through a phase where we realize "Mr. Perfect" isn't perfect and that we have to make a choice ... and that is when we choose to accept the flaws and move to unconditional love.


I'm wondering about this, because I think this is the breaking point in many relationships. I think often one person has moved to that "unconditional love" phase, and the other never gets there.


What does everyone think? Am I being overly analytical and this should just be about the heart?
it all depends on what the flaws are "unconditional" is often used to excuse unacceptable behaviour.I suspect alot of people would not be with the person they are with had that personnot done such a good job of hiding thsoe flaws in the beginning...loving a jerk,liar or abusive person is enabling and counterproductive.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #3  April 25,2009, 10:30am

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Unconditional is the difference between flaws and idiocincracies or ego ego eccentric !





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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #4  April 25,2009, 10:35am
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Yes, unconditional love to me presupposes that both partners are trying to be the best partner for each other, with the general realization that no one is perfect. But there are certain situations where a partner should not be expected to remain in a relationship, such as physical or verbal abuse, chronic infidelity, dishonesty....particularly of the sinister kind.


Before we even have a chance to talk with someone, we notice their physical appearance. There are other peripheral observations that factor into that initial attraction -- for example, the way they handle themselves around others, their mannerisms -- and determine whether or not we'll approach (men) or would want to be approached (women). You then go through the initial mating dance stage where you figure out if there's compatibility. Because everyone is putting their best face forward in the initial stages of dating, you have no way of knowing what many people's flaws are to determine if you would accept them unconditionally. It is not until you become exclusive, and tear down some figurative walls, that you clearly see the real person inside. This is why it is recommended that you date someone for at least 12-15 months before you know whether you want to marry them. In most cases, you'll learn all you need to learn.


Even if you navigate that gauntlet, you have things that are beyond your control, like natural disasters and physical ailments. For example, would you be able as a young,fertile woman that your 30-year-old husband is nowa quadriplegic? Would a young, virile man who likes curves be able to accept that his breast cancer-stricken wife needs to get a double mastectomy? No one can honestly answer those questions unless you're actually having those experiences. We continue to learn about ourselves, and about each other, in relationships. That's the way it was intended.
 
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sc4me is offline sc4me Post #5  April 25,2009, 9:17pm
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lizzywa, wrote :


I have this theory and thought I would see what everyone thinks. I believe that there are stages in love. That you initially fall for someone for physical attraction, then if you communicate and are on the the same outlook in life, you fall deeper in love. But then I believe we all go through a phase where we realize "Mr. Perfect" isn't perfect and that we have to make a choice ... and that is when we choose to accept the flaws and move to unconditional love.


I'm wondering about this, because I think this is the breaking point in many relationships. I think often one person has moved to that "unconditional love" phase, and the other never gets there.


What does everyone think? Am I being overly analytical and this should just be about the heart?


No you are not being overly analytical. It is also called "undefended love." There is a book by the same title.


Everyone knows that the flame can grow dim sometimes. That is where marriage and comitment come in. You choose to love at that point. It is no longer based on a feeling, but because you choose to be there. I agree that this is the breaking point of most relationships. That is why it is nice to have something to fall back on besides sex.


I also think (Scott Peck talks about this in "The Road Less Traveled") that there is something beyond romantic love. Divorce is so easy many people don't stay together long enough to find it. That something is where you give your love freely in spite of all the warts -- and you know he is doing the same. Not because you should, but because you want to.


"The Painted Veil" and "The Notebook" are both movies that handle this magnificently. If you have not seen them go rent them. (I'm willing to bet you have seen "The Notebook.")


"The Painted Veil" is a little more obscure. There is a discussion between a nun and Naomi Watts who plays the unfaithful women; what the nun says causes her to rethink her relationship with her husband.


It goes like this: (I especially like the underlined part)


"Remember that it is nothing to do your duty, that is demanded of you and is no more meritorious than to wash your hands when they are dirty; the only thing that counts is the love of duty; when love and duty are one, then grace is in you and you will enjoy a happiness which passes all understanding.


W. Somerset Maugham , The Painted Veil, 1925
 
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lizzywa is offline lizzywa Post #6  April 25,2009, 9:25pm
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Thank you all. In my recent breakup from my love of 7 years, I realize that several years ago, I chose to love him unconditionally. Several thing had happened that made me rethink my love, but I decided conciously not to focus on those and to only love him. Things moved along fine, but recently we had a big argument about full commitment and broke it off and I think that he never made the leap to unconditional love. He had the initial infatuationa and physical love for me ... and here he was 7 years later wanting to get that back instead of realizing that I am not perfect. but that choosing to love me might be the best for him.


So off he goes into the sunset looking for Ms. Perfect .. and here I am left alone ...
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #7  April 25,2009, 10:11pm
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Seven-Year Itch?You are not alone. Somewhere along the line, society has forgotten what "commitment" really means, be it in our relationships, our careers, it's a little depressing. But your unhappiness would just have multiplied if you would have stayed with him. Sadly, his unhappiness would have multiplied as well. But you were right to commit to unconditional love. That's what marriage is supposed to be about.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #8  April 26,2009, 4:01am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Personally....I think there can be a number of 'stages' of romantic love, and that people may move through these differently (or not at all). However, it does seem to me that we get into romantic love both to give and receive. I think 'unconditional love' is something entirely different.
 
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dadist is offline dadist Post #9  April 26,2009, 4:40am
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I believe that the only people that get unconditional love are our children. Beyond that we choose who we want to love and if they meet the conditions we all have we choose to love them.
 
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omar2 is offline omar2 Post #10  April 26,2009, 4:55am
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Maybe I'm too much of a literalist, but I've never really bought the idea of unconditional love in a voluntary romantic relationship. There are ALWAY conditions for our love and if they are stressed hard enough, the love, or the R, will fail, as it should.


If the affection between two people is abused greatly by one or the other (or both) then they should, at some point, abandon it.
 
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