After physical violence, is ending the relationship the only way out?


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alice_ogata217 is offline alice_ogata217 Post #1  April 23,2009, 4:21pm
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In the case of a domestic violence, our hearts always go out for the victim (typically a woman), and believe that she should leave the perpetrator ASAP. Have we ever tried to put ourselves in the perpetrador's shoes to think about the mixed feelings that he might possibly go through - the guilt, shame, sadness, and heartbreak. We extend help for the victim, little do we believe that the perpetrator also needs desperate help.


I'm a woman in my 20s. I don't use drugs and alcohol, no history of mental illness or childhood abuse. I have a stable professional job. I have dated my boyfriend for the past 2-3 years, we have been through lots of ups and downs in our relationship, but are thinking about getting married next year. I have to admit that I'm typically quite hot-tempered, but I have never ever used violence in the relationship no matter how bad our arugements got. But recently in a very causal conflict after he said something very rude to me (which is one of his bad habits) that made me feel like he never appreciated all the effort that I put into this relationship, I bursted out my anger, said something very insulting and laid my hand on him in a madly way. Let's put it this way, he didn't hit me back but we both ended up with bruises.


I couldn't believe that I over-reacted so much and actually hit the person I love with my life. I feel tremendous guilt and shame, to the point I don't even know how to describe and cannot even face myself in the mirror. I work in the medical field myself and I know that I need to seek professional help in terms of anger management. I am totally willing to do it. He is absolutely shocked and heartbroken. He hasn't officially given me a closure yet, he cried and absolutely shut down. I know we are possibly facing the end of the relationship, although I never expected would end in this way. I know I need a sincere apology, but I'm too ashamed to contact him and too afraid to find out the truth, but I really want to let him know that I'm sincerely sorry and will seek help, not just for the sake of saving this relationship but for my own sake whether we end up splitting or not.


I have read many dating articles on how to fight fair, such as no name callings, no insulting, no physical violence, etc. I thought I knew very well, and I have never crossed my line before, but this time I did all those.While I understand that this should be the end and I need to work on my own problem, I still cannot help wondering... Do all perpetrators have no turning back and ending the relationship is the only choice? If I want his forgiveness, am I asking for way way too much??
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  April 23,2009, 6:25pm
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I don’t think you’re asking for too much. Anyway, to forgive is his choice and may or may not occur regardless of if the relationship ends. I’m not sure asking is right though; I think the correct way is to demonstrate you earned it.


For myself, I find unpredictable emotional states sufficient to preclude commitment, though not always to dump a woman. Outbursts or behavior which has the potential to embarrass me in public would be the end of the road.


I can see myself having some tolerance in this situation, especially if I agreed that I provoked her, or I otherwise enjoyed her company and found her a suitable partner … for sure, there are worse things (to me.)


Coming after him to “beg for forgiveness,” is for me the incorrect strategy: adding clinginess would be the wrong move.


Good luck.
 
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Co6aka is offline Co6aka Post #3  April 23,2009, 6:59pm
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alice_ogata217, wrote :

Do all perpetrators have no turning back and ending the relationship is the only choice?
It's entirely up to the individuals. I gave my wife one chance, but although she never resorted to physical violence again she was unable to control herself in other ways, so I divorced her.


First get professional help immediately, someone good, a Ph.D preferrably.


Ask your BF to please go with you at least once. Assuming that you would, ask him if the situation was reversed would he not want you to do the same for him, and say that you certainly would, but don't pressure him.


This is just my own hangup, but skip all the sorrow and apologies and instead turn it into something positive for both of you, counterbalance what you did. Work all of that out with the counsellor and your BF.
 
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BobinFla is offline BobinFla Post #4  April 23,2009, 7:09pm
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I see nothing wrong with you letting him know you are sorry for what happened. You said in your post that he has multiple times said things that are rude to you. Well this can be very provocative, and if he pushes this to where he gets a reaction, it would seem that he may not be interested in going further in the relation to start with, why does he make the rude comments.


One time reacting this way does not make you an abuser. Let me share something that happened between my ex-wife and me that I am not too proud of. There was twice where we got into an arguement and then she took a swing at me (with hand balled up into a fist). Her swing missed me, but my return did not miss her. I was put into the situation of defending myself (which I will do, I will not be anyones punching bag). Both times, I left the house and went to see my parents, returned home in time to go to bed.


One time does not make a person an abuser, it is the pattern that they set. But some people do need anger management course whether violence is present or not.


Well, I guess my advise is, enroll in an anger management course, if you want to try to work things out with him, do that (but do some evaluation why he says rude things to you). Do not be so hard on yourself. Be forgiving of yourself, your partner is not guilt free. Yes, you need to do some self evaluation, and only you can determine what is best for you, but whatever you decide, be strong, and be ready to do what is best for you.


Good luck in your endeavors.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #5  April 23,2009, 7:15pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Abusers absolutely need help....just as the abused do. I would recommend to anyone who has been abused to get out and get help for themselves...and let the abusertake care of themself. It's highly likely that neither of the people in that type of situation are anywhere close to being able to create a healthy relationship. What you describe about the feelings of guilt are what I've heard that abusers typically feel after an outburst of abuse...but they still do it again.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #6  April 23,2009, 7:37pm
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In all honesy no matter what the gender, I would advise anyone who has been struck in anger in a relationship to leave it, because it would probably happen again. I know that is not your question, but if it were me I would not give that person a second chance to hit me, and would assume that they would not want me in the line of fire if they cared at all about me.


IMO end the relationship for that reason and get yourself some help. Don't drag someone else into it any further.


I want to add that I am not trying to be harsh or rude to you, just blunt enough hoping that you will seriously consider it.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #7  April 24,2009, 5:36am
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Alice,


Welcome to the eHarmony discussion boards.


I've dated some hotheads in the past. Never again. They may be genuinely sorry for an outburst or a throwing episode, but they usually can't control it from ever happening again. I recommend anger management courses, at the very least. Treat others how you want to be treated. And in my experience, most women who've dished it out can't take it. I'm not talking about physical abuse, more along the lines of verbal abuse.


It's a problem, no question. Ending the relationship may not be the only way out, but it is probably the best way out. I hope that you find a way to deal with those issues. Hypothetically, even if you're that way and your partner isn't (again hypothetically, since you said your partner can be mouthy at times), that's not going to make the situation any better.


I wish you the best of luck.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #8  April 24,2009, 6:19am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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tbesq,591635 wrote :

Alice,


Welcome to the eHarmony discussion boards.


I've dated some hotheads in the past. Never again. They may be genuinely sorry for an outburst or a throwing episode, but they usually can't control it from ever happening again. I recommend anger management courses, at the very least. Treat others how you want to be treated. And in my experience, most women who've dished it out can't take it. I'm not talking about physical abuse, more along the lines of verbal abuse.


It's a problem, no question. Ending the relationship may not be the only way out, but it is probably the best way out. I hope that you find a way to deal with those issues. Hypothetically, even if you're that way and your partner isn't (again hypothetically, since you said your partner can be mouthy at times), that's not going to make the situation any better.


I wish you the best of luck.

tbesq...you remind me of a related issue. When some people are angry they show this by screaming, throwing things etc. Even if people like this would never engage in physical violence I screen out for this type of personality pretty early on in the dating process.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #9  April 24,2009, 6:57am
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Readingyour post, it seems like both of you have major issues in the relationship in terms of communication. On the one hand, no matter how hard someone provokes you, actually losing it to the extreme you describe....well....I'm reading into not just a temper problem, but more like a bottled up volcano blowing up problem. What's being bottled up and why is itbottled up? If you keep bottling things up, you will blow up again and again, just a matter of time. If you are having an issue with something your SO is saying or doing, address itimmediately, and don't let it build up. So that's something to think about for you.


As for him, as other posters said, why does he provoke you? What is behind that? Sounds like his way of not quite communicating to you that he is having an issue with something.


The bottom lineis that you do need to contact him and apologize - not growel, not beg for forgiveness - neither of you has clean hands in this, just apologize. Both of you need to discuss this incident in an essentially business like manner and admit that there are problems in the relationship and your lack of capacity to communicate them to each other. Ultimately you would both benefit from couple's counseling and perhaps some personal counseling as well.
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #10  April 24,2009, 7:05am
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In answer to your general question about the perpetrator:


In general someone who commits domestic violence grew up in an environment of violence. They were physically abused or at a minimum saw their parents commiting violence against each other. (In one direction or the other or both)


For someone like this the chance of recovery is small. It takes years and years of intensive thepary and dedication by the person.


(Not "blaming") Usually the spouse of the abuser is also an abuse victim and grew up with this kind of violence. That's why the spouses keep going back and back and back. They are wired to believe that the abusive relationship is NORMAL.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


In your particular situation, it sounds like you have anger issues (for whatever reason) and lost your temper once.


The first thing I would do is really reevaluate your feelings about your current relationship. Why were you so on edge that you could be so set off? (It could be a bad week at work, but what you need to ask yourself is: Was my anger really a sign of deep disquiet with this relationship?)


Second, you need to get into anger management immediately. You need to explore why you didn't effectively deal with you anger so that you can prevent it from happening again. You need to do this regardless of whether this relationship continues.
 
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