Please help… I need to know if I am being unreasonable…


Reply
  • Page 1 of 3
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #1  April 23,2009, 11:51am
Ingytravel's Avatar

Naps are one of life's great joys:)

Power Poster

Joined: Mar 2009

Posts: 8,164

See profile



If I could make a quick suggestion..to help you get some responses...is that you could please go back and click on the button in the lower right of your post.."Edit Post"...and maybe put this into a lot of smaller paragraphs for us to read...It's very hard to see/read as written now, and might get passed over accidentally...


Just a thought
 
  Reply With Quote
tbesq is offline tbesq Post #2  April 23,2009, 11:54am
tbesq's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Jun 2008

Posts: 3,536

See profile



Elatha, welcome to the eHarmony discussion boards (or maybe welcome back? Seems like I've seen you on here before).


From what I understand, he loves you, you love him, but you're not compatible yet in terms of intimacy. It sounds like at this point, his frustration stems from the fact that he knows he's not satisfying you. Your frustration, on the other hand, stems from the fact that you think that he's approaching intimacy as a chore.


As a man, I don't know if I have an answer that can help you. But what will inevitably need to happen is an uninterrupted conversation between you two (when you both have the available time) to assess where you are in the relationship, and truthfully how the intimacy, or lack thereof, weighs in on that assessment. Let him do most of the talking, since it sounds like you've done your fair share (not trying to offend you here, but nagging is counterproductive). Create an environment for the conversation where he will be comfortable being completely honest with you about what he feels in terms of intimacy, and what he suggests can be done about it. It's pretty clear from your post that if you continue to be dissatisfied with the intimacy, despite all of his other positive qualities (please see the current threads regarding looks, intimacy to follow my tie-in here), you will not want to remain in the relationship.


I hope this is at least insightful, I don't know how helpful it will be. Best of luck to you.


Tbesq
 
  Reply With Quote
Elatha is offline Elatha Post #3  April 23,2009, 11:54am
Elatha's Avatar

If life is to be enjoyed, Then later isn't really an option. - Julie Kurnit

Quick Study

Joined: Mar 2008

Center of the Universe ;-D

Posts: 59

See profile

I have been dating a man I met on EH since January. I enjoy the time I spend with him, find him funny, smart, kind, and in general a good man. He told me that he loved me and after taking time to really determine how I felt I realized that I love him too. He is not my normal ‘type’ but he has so many qualities that I love and never thought that I would enjoy.
That said, we seem to have one very serious problem… or at least it is a problem for me. We have been intimate and at first everything was fine but recently, in the past two months or so we have not been completely intimate at all and only rarely have we been intimate to the point where I have… well, finished, and never where he has. Part of the problem is that we have diametrically opposed schedules. I work every other week ALL week and the next week that I have off we only get to see each other a few times. Typically at least one of those times is all of a day and a night but the others are just 3 or 4 hours in the evening. He works a lot, at 2 different jobs, and my job precludes us meeting one week out of two which cuts down on the amount of time we have together. The time we spend together I enjoy. I love hanging out with him and visiting his friends, going to wine tastings, or whatever it is that we are doing, but I am still feeling…. Neglected, I guess is the word.
We recently read a book called the Five Love Languages. It is an easy read and while I think that there is more to a relationship I was surprised by the accuracy of what I read, at least as it pertains to me. Now, I should say that I read the book and he did the quizes at the end with me but has not read it yet. That said, I am primarily a person whose ‘love language’ is physical affection followed closely by words of affirmation. He is a Quality time and Physical afftection person but apparetnly our ideas of what constitutes physical affection are miles apart. I am from the south and in my family we hugged, kissed, touched, cuddled etc. We are just very physically inclined. His family is not that way. I am trying to be understanding about this, to remind myself to take these things into consideration but I have also tried talking to him, to the point at which it has become nagging so I need to stop.
The problem is that He feels like he is being very affectionate and I am still feeling empty. He will not be totally intimate with me because he worries about getting pregnant, which I agree with, but he will not use condoms because he does not like them. When we are together I feel like he is just doing what he needs to do to make me happy but since he refuses to become involved in the process, to the point where he won’t even really let me touch him, I feel like I just using him. He says that part of the reason is because he is tired and because he is older than me (a few years to my 32) but he will help himself a few times a week but not be with me at all. I wouldn’t mind him helping himself, especially during the weeks we can’t see each other, but the combination of doing that and not being intimate with me is frustrating.
And really, it is not only that but small things like holding hands and small touches that people give to each other when they are in a intimate relationship that are missing. He tries but he is trying for me which upsets him because he wants it to be authentic and upsets me because I don’t want him touching me if he doesn’t want to… and I want him to want to. He has been in significant long-term relationships before but in the last few years has been deliberately celibate and I know that that contributes to problem we are facing.
This is becoming a very difficult issue. He says he just needs time and asks me to be understanding but he also feels like I am being a bit unreasonable considering the circumstances of his upbringing vs. mine, our time contsraints, etc… I don’t feel like I am being unreasonable to ask, not even for intimacy per se, but for desire. I don’t care if we consummate it… I spent 29 years being celebate myself so I can handle that, but to feel undesired by my partner is driving me up the wall and I don’t know what to do about it. He tells me he loves me, that he wants, me, that he desires me… but his action are not saying the same thing to me. Am I crazy? Am I unreasonable? What can I do?
 
  Reply With Quote
Elatha is offline Elatha Post #4  April 23,2009, 12:00pm
Elatha's Avatar

If life is to be enjoyed, Then later isn't really an option. - Julie Kurnit

Quick Study

Joined: Mar 2008

Center of the Universe ;-D

Posts: 59

See profile



Thank you Ingy fo the suggestion. I can see how it would have been difficult to read before. And thank you Tbesq for the advice. Any ideas on how I can get him to open up? I have tried to ask him how he feels and just listen but he says he feels fine about it except for the oart where I am upset and then he won't say anymore. When he does start openeing up it is on the phone and since he only gets cell service in his car while he is driving and not at his house we invariably get cut off. Any suggestions on how to help him feel more comfortable opening up in person? Cause what I am tryin is not working and I definately do not want to beat a dead horse with this but you are right... it is about to beome a deal breaker for me.
 
  Reply With Quote
sheera007 is offline sheera007 Post #5  April 23,2009, 12:01pm
sheera007's Avatar

is rockin' the fitness progam

Enthusiast

Joined: Aug 2008

USA

Posts: 756

See profile



He sounds like he might be in the closet, to me. I don't mean that in a snide way at all. It really looks that way to me.


Even if he isn't... it doesn't change the fact that you are feeling empty in the relationship.You think you "love" him but you've only known him for a short while. January was not all that long ago... especially considering how little time you've been able to spend with him.


Life's too short to commit yourself to a relationship where there is an intimacy issue. Nobody can tell you what to do but... there is no flippin' way that I would stay with a guy like this. No way - no how!!! uhn-uh!!!!
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #6  April 23,2009, 2:20pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,681

See profile



Do you have any detail on his previous experience? Has he divulged any differences in his prior partners versus you? Perhaps he just needs some learning that usually happens at a younger age?


If only physical intimacy is lacking in an otherwise good relationship, and both parties are motivated, perhaps some more expect assistance is called for.
 
  Reply With Quote
Elatha is offline Elatha Post #7  April 23,2009, 2:45pm
Elatha's Avatar

If life is to be enjoyed, Then later isn't really an option. - Julie Kurnit

Quick Study

Joined: Mar 2008

Center of the Universe ;-D

Posts: 59

See profile



well, it seems like this was not a problem in other relationships... he was apparently quite active... which makes me feel like it must be something I am doing or not doing and I am willing to learn. I recognize that I am not all that experienced and am willing to put in the effort but he says it isn't me, that it is fine... etc... etc... etc..
 
  Reply With Quote
tbesq is offline tbesq Post #8  April 23,2009, 2:56pm
tbesq's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Jun 2008

Posts: 3,536

See profile



This is too difficult to call Elatha. There are layers upon layers of subplot buried into your situation. In other words, I'd need to be a fly on your wall to really know what's going on (and not in a perv voyeur kind of way) to give you the best advice. If you two were engaged or married, I would recommend therapy. But you've been dating for a short time.


It sounds like you've doneeverything you can do. You probably feel uncomfortable about the prospect of dumping him justbecause of the sex, but as we have discussed at length on other topics, physical intimacy andsexual attractionARE important in a relationship, no matter how great someone's personality is.


Any ideas yourself on how you planned to handle it before youcreated this thread?
 
  Reply With Quote
Elatha is offline Elatha Post #9  April 23,2009, 3:12pm
Elatha's Avatar

If life is to be enjoyed, Then later isn't really an option. - Julie Kurnit

Quick Study

Joined: Mar 2008

Center of the Universe ;-D

Posts: 59

See profile



No, not really. I do care for him... love him even -though not the way I am sure I will/woulda few months or years down the road... and I don't want to toss aside something potentially great but I am feeling unattractive, undesired and frustrated and quite frankly it is making me depressed. I can't seem to help him understand without him feeling like I am tearing him down even though I have tried to discuss this in the kindest way I know... with all the approprite "I statements" and trying to be as open, honest, vulnerable, and safe as possible. I really don't know what to do... I am not ready to ive up but I am so.... upset! It is making me cry.
 
  Reply With Quote
wordwoman is offline wordwoman Post #10  April 23,2009, 3:36pm
wordwoman's Avatar

is in contemplation

Quick Study

Joined: Mar 2009

Pacific Northwest

Posts: 221

See profile

Elatha,590650 wrote :

Thank you Ingy fo the suggestion. I can see how it would have been difficult to read before. And thank you Tbesq for the advice. Any ideas on how I can get him to open up? I have tried to ask him how he feels and just listen but he says he feels fine about it except for the oart where I am upset and then he won't say anymore. When he does start openeing up it is on the phone and since he only gets cell service in his car while he is driving and not at his house we invariably get cut off. Any suggestions on how to help him feel more comfortable opening up in person? Cause what I am tryin is not working and I definately do not want to beat a dead horse with this but you are right... it is about to beome a deal breaker for me.
If you're getting your most successful feedback from him on the phone, this tells me he's probably shy about talking about intimacy, which could be personality, cultural, whatever. But it doesn't mean he doesn't want to talk, it just means he's having a difficult time communicating with you on this aspect of your relationship. So, youneed to help setthe scene so he'll talkwith you while you're in the same room with him.


First, take some time off. The crazy work schedule isn't working for you here. You need to arrange some concentrated, uninterrupted time with your man. You can have yourself a stayaction at his house, your house, or some neutral ground in between, but the two of you need to make some time for each other---alone time. Now I wouldn't announce that you're arranging all this to discuss his "issue," because thatwill just add to the stress of what has been going. Keep it simple, natural, something along the lines of you have some time coming and want to spend it with him.


Second, before you go on your stayaction or vacation, spend some time thinking of all the stuff he has done right for you in the intimacy department. Write it all down if you have to, but remember details, cause you're going to need them.


Third, once you guys are alone, get him to relax. In fact, get yourself to relax. Talk about stuff that makes the two of you happy, movies, nature channel, whatever, but have a really relaxing time with each other. The two of you need to reconnect to what makes you a good couple.


Then, bring the convesation around to the intimacy.Ask him, to tell you what he likes that you do for him. Let him talk. You listen.You might even re-enact a few things, just to let him know that you're totally there with him and for him. Then, you pull out your details from Step 2. Remember details matter here. And, see how the time goes from there. At some point, the conversationneeds to move to what each of you needs in terms of intimacy to keep things going in the right direction, and both need to understand, not everything on that list might be doable straight away. But discuss thecommon ground and seeif the twoofyou can work something outhere. Once again, you might let him go first, and you listen to what he has to say and give some acknowledgement that you're listening to him. Then it's your turn. Now all of this might not take place at one time, andI would be surprised if it did. This "conversation" might take a day or two or three, which is why you need some time off to make this matter a priority.


Finally, I don't think your guy is clueless about the problem between the two of you, but male egos are fragile things, especially when it comes to intimacy and sex, and men can shutdown real quick whenthistopic comes up, especially if they think all they are going to get is a lecture and an instruction manual.


So flip the script you've been delivering and see if getting him into a safe zone for this conversation and offering some details on what he does do to please you, willmotivate him to do more. And, don't be surprised if youfind out that you need to change up your game a bit as well so that he's more willing to participate in what you need and want. And, then comes the fun part, you get to practice and practice some more. Guys like practice, and most of them really want to please the lady in their life.


Now if none of this, or any of the other suggestions by other posters,works, and you want to keep the man and the relationship, then seek out a sex therapist or couple's counselor for the two of you.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 3
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3


« I need help... | Relationships | Is it pointless to stay around? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Absolutely not. I have no idea why allowing gays to marry would affect anyone's lives, unless they're sexually insecure about themselves.” –  sun73

Join the “Did our President give up the election for a single issue?” discussion

“I learned that the woman's communication style has to fit mine or else it won't work.” –  sun73

Join the “Why do 40 yr olds still play games?” discussion

“Here's where to email if you think a match might be a fraud: matchconcerns@eharmony.com . Tell them the match's name and location so they can find them. If what's making you suspicious is an email ... ” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Match from another country...is he a "fraud"?” discussion

“I know you clarified you just want a general opinion on when people bring this subject up, but I'm going to give you both that and also what I believe you should do. The general idea most of the ... ” –  Herkemer

Join the “When is it time to discuss your position on having kids?” discussion

“And that's a very valid point. I get the feeling that eHarmony is keeping their price high to show they they are not cheap and therefore, their members are serious.It seems to me that combining the ... ” –  MicMan

Join the “Free Communication Weekend” discussion

“How long have you all been on EH? Thanks for the advice. I signed on in late April 2012 but have been on other dating sites in the past.” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “New Here” discussion

“The only one that bothers me is the "they weren't his kids so meh ..." But there could be a whole world of story behind that. Like "she dumped me and it was painful and I hated losing the kids in ... ” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 11:36am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0