mad because he lied, am I being unreasonable?


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Carley1067 is offline Carley1067 Post #1  April 22,2009, 2:55pm
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I've been dating someone for a few weeks now and am feeling kinda optimistic that this could go very far. But I recently caught him in a lie about going out with his friends. He said he feels like he needed more time to himself (we have been spending a lot of time together) but he thought if he told me the truth that I would be upset (not true, but okfine..... So, he said he was working, but then it came out that he'd been out. I was upset at him because he lied, not because he went out. He is mad at me for getting upset with him and says he had a right to tell a "white lie" to avoid a fight. That made me even more mad honestly and I can't think about this anymore, so I'm asking you guys, what do you think? Did he have the right to lie to avoid a potential argument, even though I would not have argued with him? Am I wrong to be upset?
 
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carona is offline carona Post #2  April 22,2009, 3:14pm
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People are consistent. If he feels that he can lie about the little things to avoid confrontation, then what's he going to do if something big happens. You have a right to your feelings and you should listen to yourself. You obviously know what's right and wrong and have better morals than him. I have been in a similar situation and it took 4 years to extricate myself. But the lying never stops. He needs help.
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #3  April 22,2009, 3:23pm
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Ahh I wish I had the patience to find the thread from a week or two ago - regarding being punished by an ex for past wrong done to them or something... this seemsit mayfit the bill perfectly.


To answer your questions: NO, I don't think he had any right to lie to you aboutgoing out. Regardless of whether you would have tried to argue him on the fact of it or not is unimportant, in my opinion. It always takes two people to have an argument. Avoiding a potential argument means resolving yourself to not participating in the argument, it doesn't mean covering up your actions with a lie. Period. He's wrong here.


Are you wrong to be upset? NO. You were lied to. Being lied to is upsetting. Regardless of what the lie is - its upsetting to find out someone has lied to you. Sometimes its even more upsetting to find out the ridiculous reason for WHY they lied in the first place.


This might not have anything to do with YOU, or how YOU may have reacted to him going out. See my opening statement. It could be that in the past he's been accustomed to women who have flipped OUT about him wanting to go out with friends and in those situations it was easier to lie, and he got away with it, or the lies were just smoothed over.


Maybe. Maybe not. Something to think about. Definitely something to watch for. It shouldn't be excusable to lie. It should be less excusable for him to try to turn the reason for your annoyancearound to being your fault to begin with.


That's nothing more than a mind game. Be cautious of this.
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #4  April 22,2009, 3:38pm
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Basically agree with lucky.


However, it sounds like this is kind of a new relationship and he may be trying to find his way in it. He might have felt that it was better to avoid the subject than test the boundaries of the relationship.


You might just want to let this one slide. Clearly if he does it again, it should be a deal breaker!
 
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gr8galmv is offline gr8galmv Post #5  April 22,2009, 3:46pm
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I'd be more concerned that you guys are on two different pages in terms of values than just being mad at each other. I don't see any reason why someone would need to lie but even when you found out that he wasn't being honest he felt justified. Either he doesn't trust you to understand his need for personal space or he just is pretty much okay with just telling stupid lies. Or perhaps he dated someone in his past that made a big deal about his going out and need for space and he's punishing you. In the end if you can't be honest and reasonable with each other then it isn't going to work out. First make sure that you haven't been clingy or smoothering in the relationship. If you have, make adjustments. Then, communicate that you understand that everyone has needs for personal space and friendships. Make it certain that whenever he needs time with friends that you support him in maintaining those friendships and encourage it. Then if he still needs to withhold his activities or really just lie about it again, drop him like a hot potato. But all of this is mute if he still doesn't see that lying is a big deal.
 
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JMWTurnerFan is offline JMWTurnerFan Post #6  April 22,2009, 4:00pm
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lucky173,589580 wrote :


Ahh I wish I had the patience to find the thread from a week or two ago - regarding being punished by an ex for past wrong done to them or something... this seemsit mayfit the bill perfectly.


To answer your questions: NO, I don't think he had any right to lie to you aboutgoing out. Regardless of whether you would have tried to argue him on the fact of it or not is unimportant, in my opinion. It always takes two people to have an argument. Avoiding a potential argument means resolving yourself to not participating in the argument, it doesn't mean covering up your actions with a lie. Period. He's wrong here.


Are you wrong to be upset? NO. You were lied to. Being lied to is upsetting. Regardless of what the lie is - its upsetting to find out someone has lied to you. Sometimes its even more upsetting to find out the ridiculous reason for WHY they lied in the first place.


This might not have anything to do with YOU, or how YOU may have reacted to him going out. See my opening statement. It could be that in the past he's been accustomed to women who have flipped OUT about him wanting to go out with friends and in those situations it was easier to lie, and he got away with it, or the lies were just smoothed over.


Maybe. Maybe not. Something to think about. Definitely something to watch for. It shouldn't be excusable to lie. It should be less excusable for him to try to turn the reason for your annoyancearound to being your fault to begin with.


That's nothing more than a mind game. Be cautious of this.


Agree completely. You should take this as the huge red flag that it is. The only thing I could see someone being coy about--though not lying, even then--is dating multiple people. I can understand someone not wanting to talk about other dates they're going out on if the two of you aren't exclusive. And I could let someone off for saying they were out with friends in that case. But beyond that, no. I agree completely with lucky.


Edit: I agree with gr8gal too.
 
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Carley1067 is offline Carley1067 Post #7  April 22,2009, 4:04pm
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I know you guys are right. Im so diappointed though because aside from this one thing he seemed really perfect but this is a pretty big thing, I think. Is there any point in my just telling him that if he ever lies to me again we are through? I am not sure if I will not question everything he says or does in the future though even if I never caught him in another lie. Ugh then I read this and feel like I am taking a tiny little thing and blowing it out of proportions. I don't know, am still confused I guess.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #8  April 22,2009, 4:40pm
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Carley1067, wrote :

He is mad at me for getting upset with him and says he had a right to tell a "white lie" to avoid a fight. That made me even more mad honestly and I can't think about this anymore, so I'm asking you guys, what do you think? Did he have the right to lie to avoid a potential argument, even though I would not have argued with him? Am I wrong to be upset?
I do not agree with his logic (but then, I don’t back down from a fight I will win, either.)


If you want to move forward with this (a risk, but a reasonable one I think), I would hit him with “why do you think I would have been mad?” And then work through the ensuing conversation.
 
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hazmat is offline hazmat Post #9  April 22,2009, 4:41pm
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You're blowing things way out of proportion and just proving his point that you might flip out. Yes, he lied to you and that was wrong, but this is a new relationship and there was no malice behind his lie. He just wanted a little time away from you without hurting your feelings.


Just tell him that he doesn't need to lie to protect your feelings. If he needs time to himself, just be honest with you and you won't flip out. Stop making mountains out of mole hills.


I'll tell you what he's thinking about this...He's thinking WOW, if she went nuts over something this minor, how will she react if something big comes up ? You may have already scared him off. Good luck.
 
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awol71 is offline awol71 Post #10  April 22,2009, 5:05pm
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There's a fair amount of negativity on these boards ("Red flag! Run to the hills!" at the drop of a hat). I suggest you ignore it.


Going only on what you've said so far, this is a very minor problem. You're making a mountain out of a molehill.


With the information you've given so far, I think you should give communication and conflict resolution a try. They are widely considered to be essential parts of a healthy relationship. And the best time to practice is when there is conflict. This is an opportunity for you two.


What you stand to win : he'll have learned that he doesn't need to lie to you, you'll have learned to forgive (this is apparently a problem for you since you said, "I am not sure if I will not question everything he says or does in the future"), and your relationship will be better.


If you just dump him, well, you'll then have : he's still a liar, you still can't forgive, and you have no relationship anymore.


I dunno about you, but the choice seems pretty easy to me.


Read up on how to resolve conflicts without getting mad first, if you need to.
 
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