vegaschick is offline vegaschick Post #1  April 18,2009, 2:59pm
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I'm moving next month to live with the fiance`. Both of us are really happy about the situation and are actively planning the wedding, however, due to distance and his deployment, we have had a hard time spending a lot of quality time together. We've known each other for years as friends but have only been officially a serious couple for8 months now. Neither one of us is clueless on the reality of being in love, being in a relationship, and how much work it is going to take, and we mesh very well on finances, religion, politics, etc (ie all hot button issues). The major issue we are both facing is that both of our mothers are having huge fits over our decision. Mine because I am choosing to live with him (I was raised LDS/Mormon) and how it will look to everyone else. His because she thinks he is moving too fast and I am pressuring him (he is the one who has pushed me but she doesn't see it that way). Both of our fathers are very supportive as we are both happy and moving forward in what will be a good thing.


Has anyone else had to deal with this same sort of situation and how did it work out for you?We've both been on our own for years and know what we want, but thematernal pressure is annoying and difficult to deal with.
 
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clearlyoblique is offline clearlyoblique Post #2  April 18,2009, 4:08pm
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You know you just need to talk to him and get on the same page about stuff. It's not as easy as it is to say ...


I did it ... and our cultural differences surfaced. We delt with them ... and lot of it involved family and traditions. We talked about it. Not always fluidly. Sometimes we delt with the same issue over a week or two to come to an understanding.


I know I hear the term "assume good intentions" ... and if you can remember it, it does help. I have to be reminded


Good luck!


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vegaschick is offline vegaschick Post #3  April 18,2009, 4:16pm
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CO,


We are on the same page and continuously discuss what's going on, etc. That's actually part of the reason why I'm game to move in with him. I do like the quote 'assume good intentions' as it does fit very nicely. He and I are moving forward with the same goal in mind on finances, family, goals, etc. We just both have very strongly opinionated mothers who are driving us nuts. It's to the point where we are pondering eloping and having everyone be mad at us.


VC
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #4  April 18,2009, 4:55pm
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VC,


Good last post! Unfortunately you may have to make a hard choice. You both are adults! Your mothers no longer control your lives. You may just have to step up to the plate and let them know that.
 
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clearlyoblique is offline clearlyoblique Post #5  April 18,2009, 7:28pm
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I vote for eloping. I'll live through you vicariously.


I once told my mother that I would do the destination wedding thing and she, a sweet little Southern women, lost all that well-cultivated veneer and said something like "over my dead and prostrate body". And then I said something about only 25 people total and a small Club thing ... and she gave me the death stare ... and said she had over 25 of "just her friends" and that was "unacceptable". I decided, for my mental health, to make a binder of things I liked and wanted. Pictures, ideas torn from magazines and art books. Discussed in advance with the boyfriend. I showed it to her. She liked it. I think it gave her just enough ideas vs. control. I couldn't give a fig about ceremony but I do care about harmony. And I'm willing to compromise -- even with my family -- in order to come close to it. lol.
 
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vegaschick is offline vegaschick Post #6  April 18,2009, 7:42pm
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CO,


I have gotten my mom to mellow out on the idea of being married in a church in the home town, to accepting the idea of a Vegas wedding. That came purely out of the fact that the fiance`'s family drinks and would not feel comfortable in what my mom wants. We've even caved somewhat on the idea of allowing my mom to throw a nice little Mormon reception in the hometown so all the relatives, neighbors, and such can come geek at us. I didn't get the 'dead and prostrate body' comment, but I have had the shrieking and finger shaking in my face My dad and brothers just keep saying I can do whatever, as long as they get to be witnesses. Though now, the more of a fit our moms throw, the more obstinate we both become. We even talked about doing the ceremony in the backyard of his house... but decided against that as we want to be able to ditch everyone It's sad when you are both adults, but the expectations from family/friends infringes on what you both want... so to keep peace, you cave. He has a small family, but my extended family, friends, and neighbors would all be highly offended if I didn't have something for them to meet him.


Arrgghhhh!!!


VC
 
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cameracollector is offline cameracollector Post #7  April 19,2009, 7:16am
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VC, this is a tough situation to be in!


Weddings are such an emotionally-charged time for all kinds of reasons. Are you the only daughter in the family? Your mom has probably had her idea of a "dream wedding" giving you away and all that stuff - despite the fact that it's your day, she probably feels she's being "evaluated" by the community in some way. After all, she's the one who will continue to live there. Maybe she's heard people gossip about other weddings and is in fear of becoming the object of gossip herself.


It may not be the way all of us run our lives, but for many people staying in good graces with one's community is very important.


At least your dad and brothers are being reasonable and supportive. Maybe they can help her come to some compromise with you?


I wish you much happiness and will be sending sanity-preserving thoughts your way!!
 
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redevil999 is offline redevil999 Post #8  April 19,2009, 7:45am
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Okay, just remember, you asked for it

Keep in mind as you read this post that I've been making my own decisions since I was a very young child... and the first nickname I had was "hard-hearted Hannah". I've added some warm fuzzies to my repertoire since those early days, but this kind of situation brings me straight back there.

Though you are both independent people, and this is clear from your post(s), your mothers don't seem as aware of that fact as you do.

His mom has to be his problem. She apparently thinks he is weak enough to be pressured into moving quickly into a relationship and consequently is applying pressure herself to try to contol him. He needs to stand up to her and in a kind, but firm manner let her know that although he loves her deeply, he is a big boy and will not be forced into anything by either fiance or mother. He may add that he is willing to consider any input she has, but the decision is his and he would appreciate it if she would show some support.


I would imagine this situation is quite common when mother and son are close and it's time for him to move his focus to a SO. If he doesn't put this to rest now, I would expect this to continue the next time mom doesn't agree with his decision.

As for your mom, I'm not religious, so I wouldn't begin to know how to address that portion of it.

As a mom, though my daughter is still a child, I am much more apt to check myself when she approaches me and tells me that she understands and respects my opinion, but that we are not always going to have the same mindset about things.


This is what I tell my daughter about addressing a different opinion, and I know many are not going believe it, but it's true. When she wants me to change an opinion or decision, she writes down every argument that she thinks I will make about an issue and then determines her counter-argument. She gets one shot at it. I'm not interested in talking about the same thing ad-nauseum, which is SOP for most teens. I also think this is a valuable skill to learn and will help her immensely in her career and life later.

Many will be thinking, but VC is not a kid.... When my daughter is 30, she will still be my kid, it is not an 18yr job. I am raising my daughter to be independent, though more soft-hearted than I,


but I still need to be reminded from time to time that being independent will involve having a different opinion from mine... sad, but true.
 
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Trikster is offline Trikster Post #9  April 19,2009, 11:19am
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redevil999,584889 wrote :

Okay, just remember, you asked for it

Keep in mind as you read this post that I've been making my own decisions since I was a very young child... and the first nickname I had was "hard-hearted Hannah". I've added some warm fuzzies to my repertoire since those early days, but this kind of situation brings me straight back there.

Though you are both independent people, and this is clear from your post(s), your mothers don't seem as aware of that fact as you do.

His mom has to be his problem. She apparently thinks he is weak enough to be pressured into moving quickly into a relationship and consequently is applying pressure herself to try to contol him. He needs to stand up to her and in a kind, but firm manner let her know that although he loves her deeply, he is a big boy and will not be forced into anything by either fiance or mother. He may add that he is willing to consider any input she has, but the decision is his and he would appreciate it if she would show some support.


I would imagine this situation is quite common when mother and son are close and it's time for him to move his focus to a SO. If he doesn't put this to rest now, I would expect this to continue the next time mom doesn't agree with his decision.

As for your mom, I'm not religious, so I wouldn't begin to know how to address that portion of it.

As a mom, though my daughter is still a child, I am much more apt to check myself when she approaches me and tells me that she understands and respects my opinion, but that we are not always going to have the same mindset about things.


This is what I tell my daughter about addressing a different opinion, and I know many are not going believe it, but it's true. When she wants me to change an opinion or decision, she writes down every argument that she thinks I will make about an issue and then determines her counter-argument. She gets one shot at it. I'm not interested in talking about the same thing ad-nauseum, which is SOP for most teens. I also think this is a valuable skill to learn and will help her immensely in her career and life later.

Many will be thinking, but VC is not a kid.... When my daughter is 30, she will still be my kid, it is not an 18yr job. I am raising my daughter to be independent, though more soft-hearted than I,


but I still need to be reminded from time to time that being independent will involve having a different opinion from mine... sad, but true.
x2
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #10  April 20,2009, 8:22am
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Dear VegasChick,


Good to see you again. Had wondered how you were doing! Blessings to you and your handsome fiance on your lovely engagement! So very happy for you all!


I've had two LDS wonderful friends and learned a lot about that!


Of course, your mom loves you so very much as does his mom him! And yes, you are all grown up and very much the people you are today because of your moms and your families! Obviously, your mothers raised two very lovely, independent, mature, stable, secure, and wonderful children.


As annoying as both your mothers are being at this moment in time, as much as possible, take a walk in their shoes for a moment and really do try to see how very much your moms love each of you - their child - just as you all would any daughter you had.


Mom's tend to worry about all sort of things with their kids - no matter how old they may be or how very grown-up and mature! It goes with the territory of being a mom!


Keep in mind, too, your mom's do have each of their own child's best interests in mind and they both want their children to be so very happy in life and want you all to experience all good things and not have pain and heartache.


With that thought firmly in mind, take a deep breath, step back, and see how much you can accomodate them to keep peace in the family. It is in everyone's best interests to have peace and harmony.


Here's what an extremely good friend of mine did that worked very well and may work well for you all too!


After college graduation, my friend's fiance was stationed in Arizona in the Army. She flew there, they eloped that August, and then had a very nice church wedding in November with a lovely reception - only the parents were the wiser for that and they avoided the problem of living together without being married.


To this day, the attendees do not know and the couple have the fun of celebrating two anniversaries every year - the one in August and the one in November.


As an engaged couple, you and your fiance should be having really good pre-marital counseling - the kind where you are both given assessments and talk about anything and everything quite specifically from finances to sex to having children, etc.


The pre-marital counseling should be structured and include personality testing. There's a book about this by Susan and Dale Mathis, Countdown for Couples . We can learn more about it at 1-800-AFamily (232-6459) or get it through Amazon for $11.19 at this present moment in time or a used one for less. Since you're apart, get two - for for him and one for you and discuss it over the phone after reading each chapter. There's questions at the end of each chapter.


Of course, still have pre-marital counseling with a person! The book will help a lot though in that you're not together right now.


Here's an interesting article for your consideration:


"Is Living Together A Good Test for Marital Compatibility?


We're both from broken homes and want to avoid divorce. Should we live together before getting married?


Answered by Dr. Bill Maier


Dear Dr. Bill: My boyfriend and I are both from broken homes and want to divorce-proof our future marriage. Is living together a good test for future compatibility?


That's a question a lot of young people are asking these days. According to the National Marriage Project, about 60% of young adults in America say they plan to live together before marriage. Many of them grew up in homes where divorce occurred, and experienced a tremendous amount of pain and insecurity as a result of their parents' break up. They are determined not to repeat their parents' mistakes and desire to find a "soul mate" to whom they will be married for life.


You and your boyfriend may believe that living together is a good way to find out if you are compatible — a "test drive" that will improve your chances for marital success. While this seems to make sense intuitively, actually just the opposite is true. Research indicates that couples who cohabit before marriage have a 50% higher divorce rate than those who don't. These couples also have higher rates of domestic violence and are more likely to be involved in sexual affairs. If a cohabiting couple gets pregnant, there is a high probability that the man will leave the relationship within two years, resulting in a single mom raising a fatherless child.


The best way to test your compatibility for marriage is to date for at least one year before engagement and participate in a structured, premarital counseling program, which includes psychological testing.


Ed. Note: Focus on the Family and Life Innovations have partnered to offer a customized online relationship assessment called Couple Checkup . Whether you're dating, engaged or already married, there's a version for you. It's available online at www.family.org/couplecheckup ."


Source: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/questions_and_answers/qa_premarital_sex_living_together/is_living_together_a_good_test_for_marital_compati bility.aspx


____


VegasChick, I sincerely advise not living together before marriage to avoid that pain and your parent's pain. It's so much better to elope than do that if you're very sure about marriage and have gone through some assessments - even the online one mentioned above called "Couple Checkup" and the book, "Countdown for Couples."


Just make very, very sure before you all marry as marriage is a commitment - a choice for a lifetime 'til death do you part. It's a covenant between you, this man, and God and a covenant with God is never to be taken lightly. God doesn't.


I know of another couple who eloped and then her family had a very nice reception for her about a month later at the church with all the relatives and friends in attendance, though there was not another wedding.


You do have other alternatives. You could have a very simple elopement, even, with just the parents present, and then a reception sometimes after the honeymoon. There's all sorts of venues such as a park, a chapel, a lake, or wherever. It's very important to stay within the budget and not go over as that creates needless stress.


Even if you delayed the marriage four months say, that way you and your fiance would be together for one year which his mother may accept as opposed to the eight months. Don't dig in your heels, but do listen - realizing each of your parents really does care very deeply about each one of you.


Sometimes, when people realize they are being heard - like your parents - they back off and are more willing to compromise.


Write and let us know what you all decide and how you're doing. Continue to keep in mind that they do love you and really do have your well-being in mind - even if it doesn't seem so sometimes to you at that very moment in time. Sometimes, it's hard to let a child go - even one fully grown up who's been on their own for a long time!


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