When To Bring 'It' Up: Defining the Relationship

When To Bring 'It' Up: Defining the Relationship

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When To Bring 'It' Up: Defining the Relationship


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eharmonyadvice is offline eharmonyadvice — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  April 10,2009, 1:38pm

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You've been dating a few months and may be feeling ready to become "exclusive." How do you broach that subject? Thoughtfully!
 
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noseyparker is offline noseyparker Post #2  April 11,2009, 7:32pm
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I would never mention it. If he has not broached the subect, it's because he's either not feeeling it, or not ready for something serious. He'll probably feel pressured and thing s will fall apart. If he does not seem inclined to 'get serious'. I would quietly start seeing other men. Simple.
 
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Doctora2012 is offline Doctora2012 Post #3  April 11,2009, 7:39pm
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noseyparker,573968 wrote :

I would never mention it. If he has not broached the subect, it's because he's either not feeeling it, or not ready for something serious. He'll probably feel pressured and thing s will fall apart. If he does not seem inclined to 'get serious'. I would quietly start seeing other men. Simple.
+1 (to the power of infinity).











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WeDesignOurLives is offline WeDesignOurLives Post #4  April 11,2009, 8:44pm
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Why is it up to him?


If you (anyone) wasn't very satisfied you weren't already exclusive and he wasn't serious why did it last even a month? I can see continuing to date other people for maybe a few dates but it seems to me that a 'realtionship' that lasts 2+ months is either just about sex or you both want it to become serious.


Am I being naive about this?
 
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sophia1965 is offline sophia1965 Post #5  April 11,2009, 8:54pm

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WeDesignOurLives,574141 wrote :

Why is it up to him?


If you (anyone) wasn't very satisfied you weren't already exclusive and he wasn't serious why did it last even a month? I can see continuing to date other people for maybe a few dates but it seems to me that a 'realtionship' that lasts 2+ months is either just about sex or you both want it to become serious.


Am I being naive about this?
Yes. I think you are being naive. There is such a thing as 'friends with benefits'. Some men are quite happy with that. The woman won't probably discover this until time has passed.
 
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VB_Girl is offline VB_Girl Post #6  April 11,2009, 8:57pm
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I had the talk not long ago and brought the subject up. Face it, everyone has a feeling on what the answers will be when the topic is broached and they are hoping the other party confirms it, but by avoiding the issue may result in confusing everyone.
 
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sugarbomb is offline sugarbomb Post #7  April 11,2009, 10:13pm
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Take if from me, if your going to be the FWB make yourself an expensive one! Let him know your company requires time, effort and money. If he fails on either, don't have the talk just begin dating others. He should be the one saying he wants exclusivity. If he doesn't his loss.


You can tell by the frequency of contacts and by his efforts. Sometimes asking just gives you the answer you already knew.
 
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sc4me is offline sc4me Post #8  April 12,2009, 6:14am
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... and remember this, you can follow the best advice in the world when having this discussion and still be played. It is human nature and we are, for the most part, driven by our past experiences. If you get an answer like, "I'm not sure" or "let's take this slow" those are signs to back off. Don't go away entirely or she will think you have lost interest. Just give it a rest.


I had this happen to me and I gave it a rest for about a week. She didn't call or email for 9 days. I knew the answer then. It hurts sometimes, but you can't go through life without taking chances and risking your heart. 90% of the hit songs are about this very topic. One person is head over heels and the other is not.


Lots of reasons why that can be, and patience is a virtue, but we all have limits. Learn to say, "this far and no further."
 
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jayhawkgirl is offline jayhawkgirl Post #9  April 12,2009, 6:51am
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"If you get an answer like, "I'm not sure" or "let's take this slow" those are signs to back off. Don't go away entirely or she will think you have lost interest. Just give it a rest."


+1 I agree with sc4me.
 
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VicBrett is offline VicBrett Post #10  April 12,2009, 8:46am
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Folks,
I often laugh at some of the eH advice columns and I’ll give a nod to WeDesignOurLives.
After three months of dating someone... we’d likely have 8-10 dates and maybe a hundred hours of phone and email time. We know each other’s work schedules, what activities we do, how often we weren’t available for dates, etc. From their availability, the obvious commitment they are putting into dating you, and/or how well it is going, I think one should have some idea if the other person wasn’t already exclusive or at least not seriously pursuing others.
However, as a practical matter of having “the talk”... I don’t think it is even necessary. It would appear there are obvious ways to both demonstrate your willingness for exclusivity and to ‘ask’ your partner if this is the case. For example, have her over for dinner and extend the offer to include her parents; ask if she would like to take a three month long cooking class together; ask if you can stop by her office with some flowers and take her to lunch; tell her that some of your friends have tickets to a concert and ask if she would like to come; ask if you can join her and her friends in their annual charity run; etc. Meeting friends, family, coworkers, etc. or committing to longer term activities should be enough to demonstrate exclusivity on both sides. Someone would have to be pretty low to sit down to dinner with their parents knowing they are dating others.
However, if you somehow feel the need to be explicit about it... close your eH account down, print off the confirmation screen, and leave it on the kitchen table with a rose when you invite her over to make cookies.
 
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