5 Reasons People Stay in Bad Relationships

5 Reasons People Stay in Bad Relationships

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5 Reasons People Stay in Bad Relationships


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eharmonyadvice is offline eharmonyadvice — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  April 3,2009, 2:01pm

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No laughter, no joy, constant arguing -- despite the telltale signs -- why do many of us continue to stay in bad relationships? Here are 5 possible reasons why.
 
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jtkdp is offline jtkdp Post #2  April 3,2009, 2:01pm
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All 5 of these reasons were a factor in my marriage, and to some extent, the relationships prior to my marriage. I made the decision to do things differently, post-divorce, and things have better, with better people. the only one that still dogs me from time to time is #5, fear of being alone. It is also a reminder, and inspiration to find that right person, because I know firsthand, that the wrong person/relationship is far worse than none at all.


It seems to me, that #1, the devil you know is the one that dogs most people...anyone else have a view on this?
 
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kat5560 is offline kat5560 Post #3  April 3,2009, 2:30pm
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i can see where all these would be true. but i think there could be some added reasons too. like when you really thought and believed you had found the right person for you and everything had felt so wonderful at one time,, it is hard to give up the dream that you can make it all return if you could just do this or that, or if he could just do this or that.
 
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gr8guy is offline gr8guy Post #4  April 3,2009, 3:48pm
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I thought it was laziness.
 
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Number2 is offline Number2 Post #5  April 3,2009, 6:15pm
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Ah the children "Yea, lets stay together for the children and make their lives miserable as well"-that is a quote from a friend who had parents in a bad relationship.


I agree with this for the most part, but there are other reasons and sometimes more serious reasons that people stay in bad relationships.
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #6  April 4,2009, 4:02am
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yikes! I'm sitting here thinking that I know different people staying in their relationships right now for each of the reasons listed.


The "staying for the kids" one always made me cringe when it was suggested to me back in the day.


The way I figured it, if I stayed in a bad marriage for the sake of the kids then I'd be teaching them that *that* was what a relationship should be like. That's what a family should be like. That it was supposed to be difficult or miserable or sad or confusing or... or.... or....


And I don't believe it's supposed to be that way. And I know my kids father doesn't believe it's supposed to be that way either. So to stay for the sake of the kids, keeping the family "in tact" would really have beenjust teaching them the opposite of what we want to teach them.


Kids are perceptive. They would grow up in an environment of tension, or distance, or outright hostility. And children always fill in the blanks for themselves. Tend to make it about themselves, and shoulder the responsibility for things.


Staying together for the sake of the children, my opinion, is much more of a detrimentto the children than ending the relationship in a healthy way. Unfortunately most people are just lacking the skills necessary to handle the situation one way or the other in a way that would do the least amount of damage to the kids overall for their longterm emotional well-being.
 
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legend29 is offline legend29 Post #7  April 4,2009, 5:08am
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WhenI worked asa Battered Women counselor for a brief time, I could never figure why the womenstayed, because I had never been in that situation (or so I thought). What I found out was that most stayed because of poor self-esteem issues and near zilch 'sense of self-worth'. All of those positives had been carefully manipulated... mentally, physically and emotionally... out of their psyche a long time ago by the batterer.


However, in relationships where there is no physical abuse, what some consider 'normal relationships', there may be subtle forms of abuse such as manipulation and/or passive aggressivebadgering/nagging. I didn't realize my ex was an expert manipulator and 'mental batterer'until I left him. We rarely argued and had a seemingly perfect relationship. ButI knew something wasn't right. I stayed for the kids 3 years longer than I should have. By the time I left him, I had 3 children (including an infant). It was rough at first not having him physically around to do the things I normally didn't have to worry about, butI realized his insistence that he do all of the cooking, shopping, care of the home, and needs of the children, were his way of sending a mental signal to me that I was incompetent, and thus needed him to keep my life in order. Once I began to assert my independence (wanting to go back to college, wanting to do things on my own, etc) the arguing and long silences started. It was mental manipulation because he would use the the long silences as a way to 'silence' and stifle me. But as long as we were arguing, I felt that at least I was being heard, albeit in a negative way. When the arguing stopped, and silences became longer and longer he realized it was not working and finally 'let' me go.


It was easy to sit back and 'let' him take over duties that even I should have been able to do. But staying with him would have made me more of an emotional and mental cripple than I already was,because I didn't know how to even cook a decent meal whenI left him. I almost gave up and went back to him until one dayI had an epiphany..."I can do this"...and from then on I was okay. I left him for the freedom to make my own choices and to get out from under his heavy-handed, over-the-top perfectionism. NowI makemistakes all the time....still burn dinner once in awhile, never could figure out how to iron a perfect collar on a shirt and folding a sheet is still a daunting task for me. But I am free to make my own choices, andI found my self-worth.


I say all this to raise an important point....we all stay in bad relationships for many different reasons. Some, like me, don't even recognize they are in a toxic relationship, until it sneaks up on you. IMO, the reasons people stay are important, but I always cheer when men and women eventually get up the gumption to leave a toxic relationship.
 
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cesira is offline cesira Post #8  April 4,2009, 10:29pm
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my sister is in a relationship that I believe has been heading nowhere for over 13 years. she hasbeen engaged for 11 of those years. she moved in with her boyfriend, sold her house and is now like a roomate (oh they still have sex - but he has not wooed her since they moved in together. says he "i wooed her once, I don't have to do it anymore". He has become more controlling over the years. He is always discussing her children, but never his own. He expects her to follow his dictums but will not take any in return. Tell me - what happens to some men when they are in a relationship? It is enough to send some women to drink (not my sister). But why don't these women leave - it can't be a healthy relationship. I say better no relationship and learn to live with yourself first - then you can share your life with a partner. Love yourself first!!!
 
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legend29 is offline legend29 Post #9  April 5,2009, 12:25am
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cesira,564266 wrote :


my sister is in a relationship that I believe has been heading nowhere for over 13 years. she hasbeen engaged for 11 of those years. she moved in with her boyfriend, sold her house and is now like a roomate (oh they still have sex - but he has not wooed her since they moved in together. says he "i wooed her once, I don't have to do it anymore". He has become more controlling over the years. He is always discussing her children, but never his own. He expects her to follow his dictums but will not take any in return. Tell me - what happens to some men when they are in a relationship? It is enough to send some women to drink (not my sister). But why don't these women leave - it can't be a healthy relationship. I say better no relationship and learn to live with yourself first - then you can share your life with a partner. Love yourself first!!!


Sorry to hear about your sister...I was married for 13 years too. It took me awhile to get up and get out of that relationship. It was a very co-dependent existence, and so easy for me to just stay married..be the dutiful hosewife...and be happy the few times I was 'allowed' to venture out on my own (job, trips with my family, shopping, etc).


Sometimes, controlling behavior sneaks up on a person, and once it is realized what is happening, the person is way too entrenched in the relationship to get out of it. It can be debillitating and make one almost immobile..sort of like frozen is in a cryogenic box (becaue I was mentally and emotionally 'dead'..or at least felt like it the last3 years of the marriage).


Give your sister time to 'see' her husband for whom he is, unless he is physically abusing her..then I'd say keep working on her until she leaves! Either way, she will not leave until she is ready and no amount of talking will change her mind. In my case, my ex was very charming and continued to 'woo' me during the entire mariage (except for the last 2 years when he got angrt because i wanted to leave) He always remembered our anniversary, held the door open for me all the time, was extremely deferential to my needs, etc...but I didn't realize he was this way because he was so happy that he had full control of me. It wasn't until I started to 'rebel', that his true colors came through towards the last 2 years of the marriage whhen I began asking for a separation. That was an eye-opener for me!


Wishing your sister..and you..well.
 
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lotua79 is offline lotua79 Post #10  April 5,2009, 5:16am
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eharmonyadvice, wrote :

No laughter, no joy, constant arguing -- despite the telltale signs -- why do many of us continue to stay in bad relationships? Here are 5 possible reasons why.
Yeah i do agree, i think everyone has been there you know its all wrong for you but you stay because you feel trapped afraid to be alone need to love yourself enough to know that you can do better and that to live that way is never good for the long runand to be with someone whodoesnt contribute and that doesnt have the goals as you and you as a human being arent getting what you want out of anything you do in life i think it all comes down to you just not loving yourself enough you put everyone first and yourself last and i think its not the best way to live i am now in a great place and a happy relationship the way i think it should be someone you know that can make strong not weaker idont want to sound to preachy i was in a dark cloud of a bad relationship but two years on from him i met someone great and now five years on i believe good can come out of something bad :
 
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