4 YEARS AND NO PROPOSAL....WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO COPE???


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051026 is offline 051026 Post #1  April 1,2009, 2:13pm
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I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years now and have been living together for about 3 years. We get a long great and have no threatening problems with our relationship. We are relatively young still (both 24) but I am starting to become anxious with the fact that he hasn't proposed. I dont necessarily want to "get married tomorrow" but takingthe next step like an engagement I feel will keep me from frequently freaking out that I am putting all ofmy eggs in one basket. We have discussed marriage, and he doesn't opposethe ideaand really has no issues discussing it with me if it comes up.But we are young and he has made it clear that he has personal goals he would like to achieve before we tie the knot. He wants to be financially secure, finished with college, etc.


Dont get me wrong, I fully understand that all of these things he wants to achieve are great and it's rational thinking. However, none of these goals are going to be achieved within a reasonable time frame. I mean I am talking another 3-5 years before he is done with school... We will be married by common law technically by then! I feel that we are stagnant and he is comfortable with what we have. I am almost bored with where weare inour relationship because we are at that age where we are "struggling college students". So we can't go anywhere or do anything spontaneous which after a while becomes dull and although I am happy with him, I am ready to take that next step. I genuinely worry that I will become impatient and stray because I have put my everything in this relationship that may potentially never go any farther. I feel that he uses school and everything as an excuse to buy more time and it makes me feel like he wants something better out there.


These feelings come and go in waves. There will be weeks when I am okay and then all of a sudden I will become severly upset and anxious about it. I try to keep my composure and not talk about with him all the time but it is becoming more and more difficult....WHAT SHOULD I DO????
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #2  April 1,2009, 8:04pm

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Dear No Name They've taken away your name and given you a number! kind-a making you faceless like you are in the relationship. What happened to your goals, what was your plan before you met him. I suspect that you are immature and could use some therapy to rediscover the dynamics of why you have replaced your goals with his and looking to him for fulfilment your vision rather then doing it for yourself? I think that you have friends that are getting engaged and married and some of your friends and family are pushing your buttons about it.


Grow up to even say that your going to stray and cheat on him, certainly proves out what I stated above, find a good therapist to find yourself. Then again maybe your becoming a millstone around his neck? You could move out and see what happens, right?


The problem is yours and not his, but your trying to make it his.Why? What's you roll in this drama?


Good Luck.


Harvey7
 
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JHerndon is offline JHerndon Post #3  April 1,2009, 8:11pm
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My dad used to say if you aren't sure within a year she (he) probably isn't the one. I hate to inform you of this, but if you two have been living together for 3 years there is nothing stopping you two from being married already. To me it sounds like this guy just wants to keep his options open incase he decides to do something else. People tend to stick with things they are comfortable with until they are forced to change when the situation is convenient for them. That sounds like what he is doing.
 
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JHerndon is offline JHerndon Post #4  April 1,2009, 8:14pm
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I decided to add something to my previous post. I had a friend who dated his girlfriend for 4 and a half years before they got married. He knew after the first Christmas that he really wasn't sure about marrying her but he stayed with her because there was no reason for him to leave and there were a lot of bonuses... if you know what I am saying... about staying with his current girl. He was also in school and "waiting to finish school" while dating her before they got married. 6 months after he finished school he had not even considered marrying her. Finally a guy we both respect from our church sat down with him and basically tore him a new one over why he had not married her yet. If not for that talk and him being willing to listen to the guy he never would have married the young lady. Good luck!
 
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eek is offline eek Post #5  April 1,2009, 9:14pm
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What difference does it make in the end if you love each other and are committed to each other? Does being married mean you'll be together any longer? No. It just means your breakup is called a divorce should it ever happen, and makes it all that more difficult which IMO can easily lead to a long and drawn out unhealthy situation. If you need the title of Mrs. to feel like your partner will be true to only you then perhaps it's an insecurity.. I don't know.





Now, I myself have never been married. For me to get married would probably take an aweful lot. Plenty of time dating.. then moving in for a few years. Then.. Maybe. But probably not. It doesn't mean I don't care for my partner, or that I'm just waiting for the next girl, I just see no point in it beyond the tax break, which may or may not even work out to your advantage - and then you have the added legal issues. Just because you've been with somebody for x years doesn't mean you have no reason not to be married and should automatically do so. I don't understand that logic at all, and I find such thinking very dangerous. It's only a piece of paper. Now I ask you, or anybody else.. what's more important? Really being in love and living your life with that one person, or the piece of paper that 'proves' it?


My .02
 
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NWAdventureGal is offline NWAdventureGal Post #6  April 1,2009, 9:52pm
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I dated my ex for 18 months and then we got married. We were married 23 years . . normal ups and downs and did not end the marriage because either of us cheated of because we "grew apart". These are the most common reasons people divorce. I thought our marriage would last forever . . . but then I didn't know my husband (now ex) was a compulsive liar. Even after I figured out he was lying about money and gambling and things related to these, I made excuses for his behavior. Meanwhile, my best friend meets a man, dates him two years, they move in together and live together FIVE years and finally after these SEVEN years they decide to get married. They have been married NINETEEN years now!!! What I am pointing out is that the "traditional" idea of dating and then getting married doesn't always work out. And the less traditional plan of dating then living together a number of years can actually lead to a really, really healthy life together. What would concern me would be your boredom. If you are bored, why are you thinking he should solve this. At 47, I have younger men ask me out all the time. When I have gone out with them, I've found out that the reason they've chosen an older woman is that they don't expect the guy to do all the work in the relationship. Older women are creative, their inhibitions about their bodies are gone, they love trying new things and many can make a magnificent evening out of candlelight, great music, a favorite shared beverage and a picnic on a blanket on the living room floor. You don't need money to have fun. You can play a board game or cards. You can snuggle on the sofa and take turns reading a mystery novel to each other. You can go for a run together or start a hobby together of some sort. My ex would make jewelry while I sewed . . . we so enjoyed this creative time together each doing our individual thing but in the same area as the other person.


I hope you will take the best of the advice everyone is giving you and mull it over and maybe even talk to a counselor. The idea behind that is to work with someone that does not have any emotional attachment so they can help you think through things.


Best of luck,


Elle
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #7  April 2,2009, 3:28am
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It does not take that long to know that you want to marry someone. He is keeping his options open and is using any handy excuse avaible to him to continue to keep that door open. Maybe he'll eventually realize that you are the best he can have and ultimately marry you and maybe not - it's a chance you are taking. Don't really know what to tell you other than get a life of your own and focus on your own goals in terms of school, work, etc. The door is open both ways and you are just as free to walk away as he is if you are not happy. Just be sure that you are not in a situtation where you've become dependent on him and are counting on a life together that may never happen in the end.
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #8  April 2,2009, 6:01am
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I'm sorry to say this OP...and please take this with sincearity, but from what I read, you're not ready for a serious relationship. First of all, you're 24. That's very young. Why are you in a serious relationship at this young age? You've dated this guy since you were 20 and haven't really experiance much of life. Nether of you have even finished school yet and you want to get married already! Let you BF realize his dreams. You need to realize your dreams. You're going to live another 80 years on this planet...there's no rush to get married in your 20s. Chill out. Relax. Experiance what the world has to offer. Date as many guys as you can. Finsh school. Travel. Party. Go on adventures. Start a career. Buy a house. Then, after all that, if you still feel the same way about each other, you'll find yourselfs back to each other.


I can't tell you how many times when I was young like you that I thought "this girl is the ONE". Boy was I wrong. You're not ripe yet. You don't know how different you're going to change in the next 10-15 years. Cook a little and slow down!
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #9  April 3,2009, 10:43am
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Think other people have done a pretty good job answering the first part of your quesion so I'll try answering the second:


"How do cope?" You are going to have to make hard decisions. Decide what you want. If you decide to end this relationship you are going to have to first make a clean break of it. That means that when he comes back you have to tell him to come back in a year.You are going to have to give yourself time to grieve this relationship. Then at some point you are going to have to force yourself back into the mix.
 
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sarah_goralczyk is offline sarah_goralczyk Post #10  April 4,2009, 12:40pm
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Well, before I answer your question, I want to tell you a little about myself. I am 21 years old. 3 years younger than you. I've already been married and am now going through a divorce. Everything that is being said to you is truth. I got married when I was 18. He was and still is a sweet guy, but one day I woke up and realized that I still had my whole life to live and I was tired of wasting time trying to make our relationshipbetter when he barely cared. That's what it came down to. I wasn't happy with him and realized if I stayed longer, I would just be more miserable. So I left him and moved out of state.Marriage is just the beginning of the problem. If you are in love with him like you say you are, don't worry about marriage. Enjoy each others company. Sometimes, love is enough. Marriage is just an idea. If you think about it, 4 years really isn't that long. You still have your whole life to live. If you want to be with him for the rest of your life, then what's the rush on getting married? Why push getting married? My ex asked me a dozen times to marry him until I finallysaid yes.Do you really want to do that to him or do you want to marriage to be something he wants to? Just something for you to think about. All I'm saying is, take time to enjoy what you have with him now. Enjoy each other. That's what your focus should be on.





Sarah
 
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