4 YEARS AND NO PROPOSAL....WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO COPE???


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hazmat is offline hazmat Post #11  April 4,2009, 4:08pm
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You feel that your relationship has gone stagnant and it's crossed your mind that you might stray...hmm...How exactly is a marriage proposal going to change that ? You'll just be stagnantly engaged...unhappily married...then divorced before you're 30.
 
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ladydoctor is offline ladydoctor Post #12  April 5,2009, 12:25pm
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I have two comments:


Why on earth did you move in with a guy when you were 20/21? You were trying to be grown up too early. You should have been working on your education and your career. Now that you are 24, you are still young enough to redirect your life and focus on yourself.


The second comment- I don't mean to be rude but maybe he isn't that into you. I moved to a small city in 2007 and was shocked to discover that most of the population marries before 25. This is the norm in the US. I think the average age for women is 26. So, if he is not ready to get engaged at 24, when you have been dating for 4 years and living together for 3 years, then you have to accept the possibility that he is waiting for someone else. There is no reason for him to marry you when he gets the benefits (financial, sexual, social) of being married with none of the commitment. I have seen guys do this alot and then the woman they marry is someone who they date for 18 months. I don't mean to be cruel. I just don't want you to have any regrets.


Good luck.
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #13  April 5,2009, 5:22pm
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I agree with ladydoctor. As my father said "why buy the cow when you can get the milk free?". I think right now you need to determine what your priorities are. With today's economy with your boyfriend still in college that translates into tight purse strings which to me says cut out all frivilous things. I sense you are ready to move on with your like and enjoy it. I also can understand why your bf does not want to get married. He may equate marriage with a family which means children and he knows he can not afford them right now or be able to cope with the added stress and responsibility.


I think you need to move on. Good Luck
 
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LoveAffair is offline LoveAffair Post #14  April 13,2009, 7:58am
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Hello there. I understand your situation, I've been there, still there actually but there are a lot of lessons to be learned. I'm 28 years old, been with my boyfriend for 6 years. We just moved in together a month ago... imagine after 6 years?!?! I wondered before, if it took him 6 years to move in, how long will it take until he proposes? Get married? Have kids? I feel the rush because of my age. I wanted to have kids before I'm 30 but I don't see that happening since I'll be 29 this year. He's not ready... as simple as that.So it's either you stick by him because you love him unconditionally,married or not married, or you move on andstart over.There can be so many reasons and it could be because he's young, he has other goals to achieve, he wants to keep his options open but no matter what his reasoning is, the question that you can answer is about you, not him. Ask yourself, are you in love with the idea of getting married? The planning of weddings etc? or you want to get married because of the amount of time you've been with him and it's the next step?Or have friends and family younger than you getting married left and right? What is marriage to you and why is it so important to you?


These were the questions I asked myself. And I learned that I love him! And my boyfriend is more of a husband to me than every other husband (by paper/law) who strays, doesn't help out at home, etc. And that is enough for me. Being with him is enough. Yes I will constantly think about getting married, and I'm afraid that we'll hit our 10 year mark and he tells me, I'm not the one... but what different does it make? If we get married and we hit that 10-year mark, it's more expensive to get a divorce... it's more heart breaking... its harder to move on. You love each other, stick together. Just together.


How do you cope? Well, I'll leave you a famous dialogue from a movie, that maybe it will help?


"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope."


Take care and best of luck to you.
 
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awol71 is offline awol71 Post #15  April 13,2009, 12:49pm
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hazmat,563757 wrote :


You feel that your relationship has gone stagnant and it's crossed your mind that you might stray...hmm...How exactly is a marriage proposal going to change that ? You'll just be stagnantly engaged...unhappily married...then divorced before you're 30.


I was thinking the same thing, except it came to me when I read this part :


I am almost bored with where we are in our relationship because we are at that age where we are "struggling college students". So we can't go anywhere or do anything spontaneous which after a while becomes dull.


So, 051026, how do you figure marriage will change all of that?
 
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FIXitGirl2013 is offline FIXitGirl2013 Post #16  October 27,2011, 8:08pm
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It's been a few years since your original post, but I'm interested to find out the results of your relationship. Because I currently am in an identical situation.

However, In my situation I don't feel like I'm going to stray, but I feel like I should walk away from this relationship and find someone who wants to marry me and spend forever with. Don't get me wrong, I love him, but why should I settle for less? I'm smart and have a lot going for me and anyone would be lucky to marry me. So why doesn't the man I love want to put a place holder on my finger, until we can graduate.
 
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beachgirl5 is offline beachgirl5 Post #17  October 28,2011, 6:20am
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Loveaffair above is exactly how you not want to end up. 6 years into a relationship and living on the gus term, waiting and hoping.

I always wonder where the moms are in these posts. If you girls were my daughters, I'd be really worried.

Number, you just want to get married. I'm not hearing you're crazy in love with this man, I'm hearing that you want a ring and a white picket fence. Cheating is crossing your mind at 24. You're bored. This should be big red flags baking you question a lifetime commitment here.

At 24 the two of you are still in college. College grads are mostly having a really tough time out there. Financial stability is probably a long way off. Do you know where you'll need to move for a job? Do you know that the two of you will be able to achieve what you want as individuals together?

I'd sure hate to see my daughter, or son for that matter, marry at the stage you're in. I think your bf is showing good sense in not wanting this.
 
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TiffanyDiamond is offline TiffanyDiamond Post #18  October 29,2011, 8:11am
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Just realized how old this post is...never mind.
Last edited by TiffanyDiamond; October 29,2011 at 8:15am.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #19  October 30,2011, 10:05am
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051026 wrote :
So we can't go anywhere or do anything spontaneous which after a while becomes dull and although I am happy with him, I am ready to take that next step.
Marrying will not suddeny make your life more spotaneous or exciting, if those are misconceptions that you had. Your life will be about the same.

wrote :
I genuinely worry that I will become impatient and stray
Stray? If you are the sort of person who is okay with cheating on your partner, perhaps he's making the right decision. A mature person who's not satisfied with their relationship will discuss it with their partner, and if they cannot come to terms, walk. That's what "marriage material" folks do.

Think before you embark down that road. You may feel that offers you a "security blanket" by staying with your ex while you search for a new partner, but your new partner (and others who know you and him) will see you for what you are. That doesn't give you the best of long-term prospects.

wrote :
as an excuse to buy more time and it makes me feel like he wants something better out there. WHAT SHOULD I DO????
He's not at a stage in his life where he desires marriage. There's no need to psychoanalyze why that is, you only need to determine how important marriage is for you and why? Especially when your life is not established. If you need a partner who is marriage-minded, then tell him that. If he's not willing to move towards marriage, be ready to begin dating others or break with him entirely--but be up-front about that. Don't "stray".
Last edited by shapeShifter79; October 30,2011 at 10:09am.
 
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