lkap38 is offline lkap38 Post #1  March 27,2009, 10:50am
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I have been dating this guy for 7 months now. We have gotten along great up until the last cople of weeks & with that said we haven't argued. He is telling me that he needs to figure out things...he has alot on his plate right now. His divorce is almost final, doesn't like his job & trying to figure out if he wants to buy a house. I have been there every step of the way for him & now I am scared of losing him. I am doing my best to give him space but it is hard.


He tells me that it is not me & that he cares about me, misses me when we don't see each other & wants to be with me. What is a girl supposed to do??? Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I really care for this person & I truly believes that he cares about me.
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #2  March 27,2009, 12:33pm
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What you need to do is to swallow your fear of losing him. This much is for sure. If you continue to hold him close to you when he's told you he needs to figure things out on his own, you WILL lose him. By doing what you're doing, you'll start to smother him and he has less of a chance to figure out things on his own. He will possibly start resenting you for it, maybe not even knowingly. All this can happen by you not letting go.


He's right. It is all about him in this case. There is nothing you can do to help him here. He needs to find out where he stands with his own life. He can care and love you till the cows come home, but if he can't fix himself, he'll only be a shell of his former self.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #3  March 27,2009, 12:50pm
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lkap38, wrote :

I have been dating this guy for 7 months now. We have gotten along great up until the last cople of weeks & with that said we haven't argued. He is telling me that he needs to figure out things...he has alot on his plate right now. His divorce is almost final, doesn't like his job & trying to figure out if he wants to buy a house. I have been there every step of the way for him & now I am scared of losing him. I am doing my best to give him space but it is hard.


He tells me that it is not me & that he cares about me, misses me when we don't see each other & wants to be with me. What is a girl supposed to do??? Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I really care for this person & I truly believes that he cares about me.
First off, you should have never gotten yourself involved with someone who's married.


Secondly, "...he needs to figure out things" = he's just not that into you.


Thirdly, "...a lot of things on his plate right now" = he's just not that into you. It's a cop-out. He either needs more utensils or a bigger plate.





Let it go, it's time to move on. Sorry about your luck.
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #4  March 27,2009, 12:57pm
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You are dating a man who did not even get his divorce yet ? A married man ..... It is irrelevant that he is getting a divorce.


To start with you are being used as a jumping board ...


Second, he needs to get his divorce, and then go through his divorce process ... pain, suffering, and then he has to find himself back and then feel ready to date. I though that this process took anywhere from at least a year after the day fivorce is finalized to a few years. He can not really give anyone anything while he is going through this painful process.


My opinion is that you can do much better than waiting for him for a few years or being with him and going through ups and downs of all this. Right now you are just a personfilling the void his soon to be ex wife has left in him. My humble suggestion would be to move on and find some one who is ready to date/have a relationship.
 
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Zoe_Foy is offline Zoe_Foy Post #5  March 27,2009, 1:26pm
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lkap38, wrote :


I have been dating this guy for 7 months now. We have gotten along great up until the last cople of weeks & with that said we haven't argued. He is telling me that he needs to figure out things...he has alot on his plate right now. His divorce is almost final, doesn't like his job & trying to figure out if he wants to buy a house. I have been there every step of the way for him & now I am scared of losing him. I am doing my best to give him space but it is hard.


He tells me that it is not me & that he cares about me, misses me when we don't see each other & wants to be with me. What is a girl supposed to do??? Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I really care for this person & I truly believes that he cares about me.


Take this time to focus on yourself. Pamper yourself at the spa, do your favorite hobbies, hang out with the girls....do whateverit takes, but Give -Him - His - Space. Women often lose a part of themselves when they date. They focus too much on the man, instead of saving time for themselves. I'm sure he cares about you. Let him go into his cave to figure things out for himself without the pressure from you to draw him back into the relationship. If you do that, he will probably appreaciate you more and will be back in no time.


One important thing to mention....if he isn't divorced yet you are putting yourself in a vulnerable position. Adequate time is needed for him to purge that experience from his system. Therefore, this may be a good time for you to re-evaluate the relationship.
 
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bravethestorm is offline bravethestorm Post #6  March 27,2009, 4:53pm
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lkap38, wrote :


What is a girl supposed to do??? Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I really care for this person & I truly believes that he cares about me.


Take his answer as the truth..."he has a lot on his plate right now"


This means...


he has the concerns about his divorce...


his job


house


emotionally not ready for a relationship with you and is thinking a lot about it since it seems you want to get serious now.


Right now you are his support system...a fill in before his divorce is even final.


He has not given his heart time to heal and give it to you.


If you want to really see if this relationship has possiblities...give him space and then see where you stand when he is emotionally ready to invest in it. Remember that actions speak even louder than words...and since he dates when married...odds are dating isn't exclusive either.
 
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robv_la is offline robv_la Post #7  March 27,2009, 5:22pm
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lkap38, wrote :

I have been dating this guy for 7 months now. We have gotten along great up until the last cople of weeks & with that said we haven't argued. He is telling me that he needs to figure out things...he has alot on his plate right now. His divorce is almost final, doesn't like his job & trying to figure out if he wants to buy a house. I have been there every step of the way for him & now I am scared of losing him. I am doing my best to give him space but it is hard.


He tells me that it is not me & that he cares about me, misses me when we don't see each other & wants to be with me. What is a girl supposed to do??? Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I really care for this person & I truly believes that he cares about me.
So his life is a big mess right now. Divorce almost done. He's not happyand so he'sprobably blaming his job.Sounds like he had to move out of his house(away from the wife) and so instead of renting he's thinking ofmaybebuying hisown place.


So first of all, yes give him his space...if you want to have a chance later with him do that.


However, Ithinkthis is a bad time to be dating him. He's going through some major life problems andhe doesn't have the emotional energy or even the time to devote tohis relationship with you. This is why he needs space, he's overloaded.


Problem is, this won't settle downanytime soon.Interactions with his ex will still upset him for a long time. It will take probably years for him to fully get over his divorce.


Even at that point, he will probably want a fresh start with someone new, someone that won't be a part of all that baggage of the past. Unfortunately since you were around during that time, you become associated with all these bad recent memories. Sorta like, yeah she was really there for me during those rough times, but whenever I see her it just reminds me of those times.


You deserve someone who is ready to be part of a meaningful solid relationship with you. He's not and won't be for a long while.
 
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lkap38 is offline lkap38 Post #8  March 27,2009, 7:03pm
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robv_la,551557 wrote :

lkap38, wrote :


I have been dating this guy for 7 months now. We have gotten along great up until the last cople of weeks & with that said we haven't argued. He is telling me that he needs to figure out things...he has alot on his plate right now. His divorce is almost final, doesn't like his job & trying to figure out if he wants to buy a house. I have been there every step of the way for him & now I am scared of losing him. I am doing my best to give him space but it is hard.


He tells me that it is not me & that he cares about me, misses me when we don't see each other & wants to be with me. What is a girl supposed to do??? Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I really care for this person & I truly believes that he cares about me.


So his life is a big mess right now. Divorce almost done. He's not happyand so he'sprobably blaming his job.Sounds like he had to move out of his house(away from the wife) and so instead of renting he's thinking ofmaybebuying hisown place.


So first of all, yes give him his space...if you want to have a chance later with him do that.


However, Ithinkthis is a bad time to be dating him. He's going through some major life problems andhe doesn't have the emotional energy or even the time to devote tohis relationship with you. This is why he needs space, he's overloaded.


Problem is, this won't settle downanytime soon.Interactions with his ex will still upset him for a long time. It will take probably years for him to fully get over his divorce.


Even at that point, he will probably want a fresh start with someone new, someone that won't be a part of all that baggage of the past. Unfortunately since you were around during that time, you become associated with all these bad recent memories. Sorta like, yeah she was really there for me during those rough times, but whenever I see her it just reminds me of those times.


You deserve someone who is ready to be part of a meaningful solid relationship with you. He's not and won't be for a long while.
Thanks...I guess part of me knew it was too good to be true. I guess its back to the drawing board or maybe just give up for awhile. I wish I understood all the rules to this dating thing but I guess they constantly change. Its like going on 1 roller coaster after another.
 
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gr8galmv is offline gr8galmv Post #9  March 27,2009, 7:21pm
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Don't give up on dating...just give up on dating men who are in the process of getting a divorce or have recently divorce and still are going through the emotional cycle of all the feelings which come with it. It was pretty much doomed from the beginning simply because he still had a bunch of crud to deal with. Next time meet a guy who is well past his divorced and is emotionally available and ready for a relationship. And it doesn't mean that even that will succeed but at least you give yourself a bigger odds for a good relationship that doesn't involve someone one day just say he needs space.
 
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maddy31 is offline maddy31 Post #10  March 27,2009, 7:26pm

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tweet37,551236 wrote :

lkap38, wrote :


I have been dating this guy for 7 months now. We have gotten along great up until the last cople of weeks & with that said we haven't argued. He is telling me that he needs to figure out things...he has alot on his plate right now. His divorce is almost final, doesn't like his job & trying to figure out if he wants to buy a house. I have been there every step of the way for him & now I am scared of losing him. I am doing my best to give him space but it is hard.


He tells me that it is not me & that he cares about me, misses me when we don't see each other & wants to be with me. What is a girl supposed to do??? Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I really care for this person & I truly believes that he cares about me.


First off, you should have never gotten yourself involved with someone who's married.


Secondly, "...he needs to figure out things" = he's just not that into you.


Thirdly, "...a lot of things on his plate right now" = he's just not that into you. It's a cop-out. He either needs more utensils or a bigger plate.





Let it go, it's time to move on. Sorry about your luck.
Yes he has a lot on his plate , and yes you may have been there every step of the way,,But sorry to say this, you are the tweener..the one between whom he left and the one he will eventually find.


I'm sorry for you, I know it must hurt like heck..But i agree with this post..He just isnt there, and it is all about him right now.


So try to be good to yourself because your heart does matter, just back away and tell him to find wide open spaces and wish him luck..Once he "fixes" himself and if he contacts you..decide how much you want to give to him, but as of right now..that icky thing is true..He isn't that into you !
 
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