He updated his profile with the photos I've taken of him


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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #1  March 26,2009, 3:49pm
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Hoping for a bit of snow:)

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If I could make a quick suggestion since you might be new to EHadvice..if you could separate some of your postinto different paragraphs, it would be much easier to read and more people will take time to read and offer some feedback...I did this by accident when I first started...you can just click on "edit post" in the bottom right of your post....


Hope this helps
 
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marleybee is offline marleybee Post #2  March 26,2009, 4:18pm
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Ingytravel,549887 wrote :

If I could make a quick suggestion since you might be new to EHadvice..if you could separate some of your postinto different paragraphs, it would be much easier to read and more people will take time to read and offer some feedback...I did this by accident when I first started...you can just click on "edit post" in the bottom right of your post....


Hope this helps
Hi, Ingytravel. Thanks for the suggestion, edited the post already. Yeah, pretty new here.


Cheers!
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #3  March 26,2009, 4:19pm
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First, the easy question. If you do not go through the steps of actively cancelling your membership, it will renew. So, you need to go into the billing section of your account and cancel it. You membership will still be good until the end of the term that has already been paid for (so if you renew on January 1 for 3 months, and cancel on on Januray 2, you membership will still be active until the end of March). I suggest that your cousin call Customer Service to see if she can get them to refund the fee; since this was a gift, and she is notthe member,she may have some luck.


With respect to your main concern... "No" I do not think that you are overreacting in feeling very hurt. However, that still doesn't necessarily mean that your concerns are valid that he is still in fact seeking other matches. Especially given how quickly your romance has progressed, he may still be having some trouble making that last full commitment to being off the market (i.e., he still wants to know that he has other options...).So, itmay simply reflect a bit of wanting to know that he has an escape hatch, even if he has no intention to use it. But, I don't know, and you don't know either.


You are simply going to have to talk to him and give him a chance to tell you why he has updatedhis account. Whether that should be over the phone or in person depends on what would be most comfortablefor you. I suggest that you not do this via email, though, since it's just way too easy for that to generate additional misunderstandings.


Don't frame the discussion as an accusation or attack. Perhaps you could simply say that there is something that you are worried about that you need to discuss with him; that before closing your eH account you looked at his profile again and saw that he had recently updated it. Let him know that this really hurt your feelings and has made you wonder if he is indeed ready to move forward with your relationship and the plans that you are making together. Then let him talk.


I know this is difficult to bring up with him. But, it seems that bringing it up can hardly be more painful than the not knowing is now.


Good luck to you...
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #4  March 26,2009, 4:26pm
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Hoping for a bit of snow:)

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Great thoughts neardc...I would agree...talking with him, the way near suggets, is the best option so then you can knowfor sure where you both stand right now and make decisions based on that information...
 
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marleybee is offline marleybee Post #5  March 26,2009, 4:27pm
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Been dating this guy I met on eHarmony for 4 months already and we were off with a really good start and have an understanding that it's all exclusive already and the relationship is going somewhere. In fact, we planned that I relocate in June. Could be all too quick, some might say, but we both feel that we're really meshing well and there's that potential of real love and as early on we both feel the trust and sincerity from each other. He's one who's really against with disloyalty and unfaithfulness since he was married once 12 years ago for 2 1/2 years and his wife cheated on him. And he's stressed out a lot of times how loyal and faithful he could be. Have proven how serious he is with this relationship when he would fly in every 2 weeks and I would be invited to fly there alternately. We're both level-headed people, no crazy issues nor hang-ups, our relationship's really healthy, mature and everything just really feels good. He's 43 and I'm 36.


I didn't renew my eHarm account anymore when it expired in January as it was just a gift subscription by my cousin. But then yesterday my cousin called and confirmed if I've cancelled my account already since she was charged by eHarmony. I haven't logged in for months, actually took me a while to log in again as I've forgotten my account details already, and when I did, have discovered that my account has been renewed for whatever technical reason (honestly, no idea how).


Curiously, checked his profile and found out it's still active. And discovered that he updated his profile and added the pictures I've taken of him when we went out of town several times. I just can't believe it! I've trusted this guy and have always believed of how much of a golden heart he has and I still do even if I feel so hurt. I just can't believe he's that person who could hurt me and would do something awful like that. I don't know if I'm overreacting but I've known him to be a really good guy and his friends all would tell me how lucky I am as they know him being all nice and a good person. I don't know how to confront him with it. Wouldn't want to sound that I'm raising the red flag and I'm really not sure if it's right that I accost him with it. So far, I didn't see any signs of this thing looming, so I'm really just feeling horrendously terrible right now.
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #6  March 26,2009, 4:49pm
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hi marleybee,


Considering you both had already discussed and agreed to exclusivity with one another, I can't see any acceptable reason why he'd be updating his profile pictures, (especially with profile pictures taken while away with you??). Which also leads one to believehe's till got matching turned on, otherwise, why bother updating if there isno one looking at the updates?


Definitely worth talking with him about. It doesn't, and shouldn't be a confrontation. Or an attack. Maybe you both have different ideas and views on what *exclusive* means, and it's time, before you invest yourself any further, that you find out exactly where you stand with him.


Seems his actions and words aren't matching up, unfortunately.
 
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luvablefrog is offline luvablefrog Post #7  March 26,2009, 5:05pm
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lucky173,549959 wrote :

hi marleybee,


Considering you both had already discussed and agreed to exclusivity with one another, I can't see any acceptable reason why he'd be updating his profile pictures, (especially with profile pictures taken while away with you??). Which also leads one to believehe's till got matching turned on, otherwise, why bother updating if there isno one looking at the updates?


Definitely worth talking with him about. It doesn't, and shouldn't be a confrontation. Or an attack. Maybe you both have different ideas and views on what *exclusive* means, and it's time, before you invest yourself any further, that you find out exactly where you stand with him.


Seems his actions and words aren't matching up, unfortunately.
I agree with lucky 110%. Seems to me he's "keeping his options open". Are you absolutely sure he's not seeing someone else on the weeks you aren't around? It may be that the situation is innocent, however, I would find that hard to believe, espescially since it is the pics that YOU took that he has posted on his "updated" file, and the comment you made about him being unsure about his faithfulness. That would set off a major red flag with me. In any case, you need to discuss it. Find out EXACTLY what your relationship is to him, what it means for him to be "exclusive",etc. No matter how hurt/confused/angry you are, keep a level head, and try to be rational. If you don't get the answers you need, as hard as it may be best to leave now, rather than later. Either way, good luck!
 
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Goomph is online now Goomph Post #8  March 26,2009, 5:07pm
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You stated "have an understanding that it is all exclusive"


Now being a male I know that sometimes what a female thinks will happen does not always mean we have the same understanding (as males). Did you explicitly talk about it and agreed to it or did you just imply subtly andhe just went oh yeah, hmm, yes of course without really getting your meaning ? If that is the case you should easily be able to set things straight without confrontation like mentioned above several times, and I am sure he will end up apologizing, if it was a misunderstanding.


In my opinion any other answer/action will mean it is time to renew your subscription ....But definitely have a talk first please .....
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #9  March 26,2009, 5:19pm
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luvablefrog, thanks, you reminded me of this one-


marleybee, you said "And he's stressed out a lot of times how loyal and faithful he could be" Am I understanding correctly, that HE stressed out over how loyal and faithful HE can be?? Could you explain that please?


Who stressed over the fact that they are a loyal and faithful person?


Birol - excellent point regarding the exclusivity. Very big difference from a man's p.o.v. and a woman's p.o.v. when it comes to an 'understanding' of a situation. OP some clarification on this also, please?
 
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maddy31 is offline maddy31 Post #10  March 26,2009, 5:19pm

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marleybee, wrote :


Been dating this guy I met on eHarmony for 4 months already and we were off with a really good start and have an understanding that it's all exclusive already and the relationship is going somewhere. In fact, we planned that I relocate in June. Could be all too quick, some might say, but we both feel that we're really meshing well and there's that potential of real love and as early on we both feel the trust and sincerity from each other. He's one who's really against with disloyalty and unfaithfulness since he was married once 12 years ago for 2 1/2 years and his wife cheated on him. And he's stressed out a lot of times how loyal and faithful he could be. Have proven how serious he is with this relationship when he would fly in every 2 weeks and I would be invited to fly there alternately. We're both level-headed people, no crazy issues nor hang-ups, our relationship's really healthy, mature and everything just really feels good. He's 43 and I'm 36.


I didn't renew my eHarm account anymore when it expired in January as it was just a gift subscription by my cousin. But then yesterday my cousin called and confirmed if I've cancelled my account already since she was charged by eHarmony. I haven't logged in for months, actually took me a while to log in again as I've forgotten my account details already, and when I did, have discovered that my account has been renewed for whatever technical reason (honestly, no idea how).


Curiously, checked his profile and found out it's still active. And discovered that he updated his profile and added the pictures I've taken of him when we went out of town several times. I just can't believe it! I've trusted this guy and have always believed of how much of a golden heart he has and I still do even if I feel so hurt. I just can't believe he's that person who could hurt me and would do something awful like that. I don't know if I'm overreacting but I've known him to be a really good guy and his friends all would tell me how lucky I am as they know him being all nice and a good person. I don't know how to confront him with it. Wouldn't want to sound that I'm raising the red flag and I'm really not sure if it's right that I accost him with it. So far, I didn't see any signs of this thing looming, so I'm really just feeling horrendously terrible right now.


Did you expect to find him closed? If your head had you thinking this , because he was telling you that you guys were exclusive, then you have every right to be concerned .


Updated profile is a sure sign he is still keeping some options open. And I'm sorry but in my personal opinion to use pictures that were taken when the two of you were together is horribly disrespectful. Were you cropped from the pictures?


It is a we need to talk moment, you could simply bring it up like this:


"My cousin contacted me and she was charged again for EH because of a glitch and i tried to log on and fogot my account details, isn't that funny? Have you had that problem before and I hope you didn't have this happen to you when you left." give him the opening to try and come clean.


If he doesn't then it may be a situation where you have to just say in the words of the famous late Paul Harvey .I need "The Rest of the Story ".





GL
 
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