Will I ever get out of the friend zone?


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dlc872 is offline dlc872 Post #81  March 19,2009, 8:41am
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Shelby,537432 wrote :

You should just wear a bumper sticker on your forehead with the word "Baggage" on it.


I think robv_la has come closest to the muddled situation you've created for yourself. You seem to have little or no self-esteem when it comes to dating other women (who would probably be insulted if you just told them you finally found an attractive woman interested in you. Should they think they looked like yesteryear's leftovers?) Don't be dishonest with these women and go back into the dating pool. You'll ruin it for the other decent guys and perpetuate the stereotype about flaky divorced men.


You have this dysfunctional woman who has no boundaries for men while playing the domestic role in her fantasy of wife and mother. And you are afraid to lose this dream telling her what your feelings are for her because then reality may bite, and she stops playing the part. And you can't face the risk of waking up to reality.


What lessons are you teaching your daughter? Hmm, attractive women can string men along like pearls on a relationship string. That it's OK to be a domestic queen at home and mess with rich guys on the weekends. And dump rich guy if he gets into financial trouble (stay "for better", leave "for worse.") And infatuated men will go along with all of this. Your daughter knows, because she watches her dad do the same. And if she ends up not having any good relationships, it must be because she's not pretty enough, sexy enough.


And even if the bombshell/golddigger says "yes", do you trust her? With her men friends that she won't give up? Going out to dinner with friends? Taking off for the weekend by herself? Would she love you that much to give up her men friends? Those questions will always nag at you, because you don't believe in yourself. So you'll ignore all the signs, just like you're doing now.


And your daughter will be watching and learning.




As I read this it made me think of something. She's long described her boyfriend as rough and gruff and not terribly emotional. He's a blue collar guy, drills wells for a living. She says that he's actually a softie on the inside.


But one thing that bothered her a lot about the relationship was that he was often accusing her of cheating on him during the weekdays when they weren't seeing each other. She was upset about that one evening when we were walking home together and she commented to me that she prided herself on not cheating on him when she knew that she could if she wanted to. And that he was accusing her of cheating when she took trips to Miami with one of her girlfriends ("you are just going there to meet guys") and to Arizona to visit a couple that were old friends from college ("I know you have something going on with the husband"). In both cases she'd invited him on the trips but he refused to go with her because he was "too busy" and she was upset about it but said that she wasn't going to miss out on the trips just because he was being obstinate.


I did justify it to her a bit one night when we had a long talk. I said that I know, if her and I got together, that I'd have to accept that she has a lot of male friends. I've seen her around some of them....though since her and I have been close she always makes it clear that she's with me when she sees one of them or, on occassion, I've run into her tallking to a buddy and when I show up she says good bye and then goes with me. Anyhow, I said that this was an aspect of her personality...that she's kind of a tomboy and likes talking sports and doing construction projects around the house and working out doors...that any partner would have to accept. But I knew that if she was with me, she might grab a drink after work with a friend or get help with a homework problem from the guy down the street who teaches math (who's wife apparently was concerned about her which kind of freaked her out), but that she would be coming home to me and would be loyal to me. She smiled and acknowledged that this would be true.


However....I have to say, as I think about what you wrote...maybe her boyfriend did have some justification for his jealousy issues. Granted, I always thought that some of it was his own fault for not paying attention to her. But I know that he knew about her friendship with me, for example. I also noticed that he would call her at 9 PM sharp every night to check on where she was...she hated that. I noticed more than once she would be visiting and it would get to be 8:50 and all of a sudden she had to take off...until one night we were having a nice dinner with the kids and she looked at the clock and the cell rang at 9...and she just shrugged her shoulders and looked at me and gave it the wave off.


So...certainly that guy is less than a great partner in his way, as I see it anyway (and there are other stories)....but thinking about it I can see why she would drive any guy she's involved with kind of nutty. Here it's Thursday again and even though I'm not her boyfriend I'm all worried about what she's doing tonight.


You have apoint.
 
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robv_la is offline robv_la Post #82  March 19,2009, 9:29am
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DLC,


You are way too obsessed over this woman, it's not healthy.
 
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glassonlyhalffull_fillit is offline glassonlyhalffull_fillit Post #83  March 19,2009, 9:42am
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absolutely Rob! That's it in a nutshell. Compulsive/obsessive behaviour. TOXIC!
 
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glassonlyhalffull_fillit is offline glassonlyhalffull_fillit Post #84  March 19,2009, 9:44am
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DLC, I suggest instead of writing more and more, you have the courage to just say to this chick, look I have romantic feelings for you, and I can no longer settle for just a friendship. GOODBYE! Then close the door (literally!!!)behind her
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #85  March 19,2009, 9:46am
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I say this with a dash of humor in here...but it reminds me of theparable of the man who is drowning and God sends the raft, the power boat, the helicopter....you know the ending here...
"Why didn't you do anything to help me?"....
 
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dlc872 is offline dlc872 Post #86  March 19,2009, 9:47am
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robv_la,538021 wrote :

DLC,


You are way too obsessed over this woman, it's not healthy.
Sorry if I come across that way.... I do have a life outside of this relationship... it has just been bugging me to no end as is obvious and I'm trying to work it out. Thanks.
 
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glassonlyhalffull_fillit is offline glassonlyhalffull_fillit Post #87  March 19,2009, 9:48am
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Ingytravel,538036 wrote :

I say this with a dash of humor in here...but it reminds me of theparable of the man who is drowning and God sends the raft, the power boat, the helicopter....you know the ending here...
"Why didn't you do anything to help me?"....
darn Ingy! I love THAT ! anyone I tell that one to, just doesn't get it! You are the 1st one
 
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glassonlyhalffull_fillit is offline glassonlyhalffull_fillit Post #88  March 19,2009, 9:51am
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DLC, it isplayed out. You won't work it out until you follow my last advice. Honestly, you need to end it, I'm sorry. You're making it harder by keeping/allowing her to stick around.


(losey analogy I know...but) That's why don't buy potatoe chips, ( I can't just eat one) as long as they aren't in my house, I won't think about eating them.
 
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dlc872 is offline dlc872 Post #89  March 19,2009, 10:29am
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glassonlyhalffull_fillit,538049 wrote :

DLC, it isplayed out. You won't work it out until you follow my last advice. Honestly, you need to end it, I'm sorry. You're making it harder by keeping/allowing her to stick around.


(losey analogy I know...but) That's why don't buy potatoe chips, ( I can't just eat one) as long as they aren't in my house, I won't think about eating them.
It is a good analogy, fits pretty much perfectly.
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #90  March 19,2009, 2:30pm
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Dear Readers,


Like each one of us, DLC872 has to come in his own timing and his own way to what's the very best for him and his family. Like ALL of us, it's very hard for us when we're in a situation to step back and really see what's going on as we're so emotionally involved. That's why doctors don't practice or treat their own family members - they're just too close emotionally.


DLC872 is clearly thinking about things. We all learn in different ways and process information in different ways. One thing he finds helpful to him, as many others do too, is to write his feelings whether here or in a journal.


Feelings are exactly that - nothing more than a person's very own feelings. We hurt for people as they go through things in life and we all hurt for DLC872.


Maybe some of us have walked in his shoes in our own relationships; maybe some of us haven't. None of us have walked in HIS EXACT shoes. It's always best to be supportative of the person. That does NOT mean supporting the person in their decisions or lack of decisions, but supporting the person as a human being with all that means!


Patience is always prudent in these kinds of situations when helping a person. As much as possible, seek to feel what DLC872 is feeling. He's most likely fearful, stressed, and anxious about all these things not to mention terribly hurting.


He had a terrible divorce, lost the shirt off his back so to speak, had to hire expensive lawyers to get his kids out of state custody, doesn't have any money so to speak of, has a daughter who won't speak to him, has another daughter who needs help in school and who this lady is apparently a positive influence for, has a son who I believe has Asperger's (think this is true, if not, I'll come back and edit this out), feels poorly about his appearance, lacks self-esteem, and other things.


He has a lady he's attracted to who has "adopted" his family and adds warmth to his life, that he hasn't had in over nine years or so, as a friend. He fell in love with her not planning to fall in love. It just happened. She sent / sends him lots of mixed messages.


It's so easy for us to come in, give a 5 or 10 minute evaluation of his situation, tell him to break it off, and move on. That's not how it works in real life. Sometimes, a person spends YEARS in therapy before they're able to make a move.


Again, each person does things in their own timing and way. DLC872 is clearly thinking of all these things. He's listening. He has to come to whatever emotionally healthy conclusions on HIS own. We could say whatever until the cows come home, but it's up to him to get to the place where he's able to act in his and his families own best interests.


Let's be as supportative and compassionate of him as possible. While we disagree with his decisions to date, we can be kindly and supportative of him as a person as he goes through this very difficult process.


He's ahead of many others who never even examine things but bury their heads to the truth. DLC872 knows things aren't right and he's thinking. That's the first step to one changing what they're doing.


He seems one who works through his feelings by writing them. That's good for him as is kindly and nicely confronting him along the way as we don't ever want to enable a person's unhealthy choices for themselves and / or their family.


We make things so cut and dried, but for the person in the situation, it's not that way. They're dealing with emotions whereas we're not emotionally involved. We're not feeling the pain, so to speak, while the person is feeling the most acute pain and it hurts - badly.


I do believe DLC872 will come to a point where he will make a conscious decision but he has to be the one to make it. We can't make it for him. He's already under enough stress. Let's not make him more stressed out even as we seek to truly help him so he does not continue to hurt himself.


We can be here to listen . . . even if we most strongly disagree! Let's not shut down the lines of communication - that's always a mistake, just as it is when parents do that with their children. We may not like what they're doing, but we value the person they are - the person God has made them to be!


JavaJava5
 
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