Will I ever get out of the friend zone?


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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #61  March 17,2009, 7:50pm
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Dear DLC872,


Here's a thread you may want to take a look at: Avoidant/dismissive disordered dates? in the Relatonship section of the Discussion Boards started by GvnDgrw


Located: http://advice.eharmony.com/discussions/relationships/avoidantdismissive-disordered-dates/13693.html/page/0.html


This lady of your's has some problems. We do not know what her diagnoses would be, but at 41-years of age and never married, there does seem like there's something going on with her regarding commitment at the very least. You did say she was attractive which makes it even more odd.


Not by any means am I saying that this lady friend of your's might have what's in the referenced thread as none of us know; however, it might be interesting reading for you as you relate to others who have problems is all.


Another thread in the Relationship section of the Boards here that you might find quite thought-provoking is this:


Thread title: Are there really people who are afraid to find love and be happy.


Started by: WildCatMojo


Thread location: http://advice.eharmony.com/discussions/relationships/are-there-really-people-who-are-afraid-to-find-love-and-be-happy/28700.html/page/0.html


It's about a guy, WildCatMojo, who was in a 2 1/2 year "fantasy" (his word) relaitonship with the most beautiful and kind women who was on the verge of breaking up with her boyfriend! DLC872, does this sound familiar? Read in his thread to see what he did!


JavaJava5
 
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Steve_Cam is offline Steve_Cam Post #62  March 18,2009, 12:59am

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It looks like its time to hack into JJ5's computer and steal her eHA archive. So tell the truth JJ5, you run a spiderbot on this site?


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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #63  March 18,2009, 1:45am
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DLC, why not print out the entirety of this thread and have her read it, and see what she has to say?
 
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1passionatefem is offline 1passionatefem Post #64  March 18,2009, 7:31am
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My heart goes out to you but I have a concern. You are not ready to be on eharmony or to date-you have unfinished business-why bring another person into it at this point? To many people do this, do not become one of them. What if you meet someone your are attracted to andwould like to get to know more? Are you prepared to end your "relationship with this woman" to pursue a realtionship with another? From what you have wrote, I do not think you are ready.
 
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dlc872 is offline dlc872 Post #65  March 18,2009, 8:07am
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1passionatefem,536346 wrote :

My heart goes out to you but I have a concern. You are not ready to be on eharmony or to date-you have unfinished business-why bring another person into it at this point? To many people do this, do not become one of them. What if you meet someone your are attracted to andwould like to get to know more? Are you prepared to end your "relationship with this woman" to pursue a realtionship with another? From what you have wrote, I do not think you are ready.
I tried this recently. My friend was aware that I was dating someone although we didn't talk about it more than once really. The context in which she spoke to me about it was after she'd written me a note about how she wasn't sure shewould have"those" feelings if she wasn't involved with her bf, I'd responded that although I cared for her very much, I wasn't waiting around for her and actually had a date that coming weekend with a very nice woman that I'd met at a singles party (which was true).


My date with the woman went exceedingly well and we started seeing each other and spending time together on weekends. We didn't quite get to the meeting kids point, though we were talking about it. I was starting to view her as a potential girlfriend with my friend in the role of best buddy; the woman I was seeing did ask me a lot about the relationship with my friend.


My friend was visiting with me on new year's day and we were having a nice time together; she'd brought me the present she'd bought me for Christmas as we hadn't been able to get together at all at the holiday. Then she asked me..."so, how did things go with that woman you said you had a date with?". I told her a bit about her and that, at that point, we'd gone out a couple times and decided that we'd keep seeing each other. My friend said she thought it was good I was getting out but didn't ask anything else since then. She did, it seemed to me, start calling me more often on Saturday afternoons, even when she was driving the two hours she has to go to her boyfriend's house. One Saturdayevening, the night I had my first date with the other woman (and she knew it), she called me to let me know she'd decided to stay in town for that weekend. It was around 5:00 and I was getting ready for my date; we were planning to go together to a Christmas party she'd been invited to. My friend asked me what I was doing and told me she was thinking of dropping by to hang out. I told her that I was getting ready to go to the party I'd told her about, she said "oh, yeah, that's right, you were going out tonight."


It was no big deal, but it did seem to me to be interesting timing with what little I know of women.


We haven't really spoken of it since; so far as she knows I might still be dating although I think she's figured out that I'm not (if it matters to her anyway).


So...to answer your question, based on my experience with actually dating someone not too long ago, it actually made it easier for me to deal with my friend from an emotional standpoint, anyway. I will admit, however, that there was some trepidation on my part about the whole thing. During this time, late December into January, my friend talked to me more about her relationship with her boyfriend than she had in a long time. She told me about his business failure, that she didn't like going to see him now because of the tension and how he was drinking again and was difficult to be around. She was conflicted because she felt sorry for him but she also felt that it was "too late" to fix things now in the relationship. So...from the things she was saying about where things were going with her boyfriend and how she was leaning on me about it...I was afraid that I was getting into a situation where she would finally become available and, surprisingly, I wouldn't be. I know that I talked to one of my buddies about this and that things seemed to be progressing well with the woman I was dating and if in the next few months my friend did become available after all this time, I sure was going to have a difficult time of it.


So I am not sure if I am ready to meet anyone or not, but I'm thinking it might not be too bad to be out there again a little and see. I'm not too afraid of being alone...I've been seperated / divorced for 10 years now and completely alone (not in any relationship) for some 6 or 7 out of those 10 years. Other than that I've had a few 3 or 4 month dating relationships, that's about it. I'm pretty well accustomed to it by now although, like a lot of us, I'm sad that the "dream" of a normal family with the picket fence and everything. It would be nice to meet someone that would make me forget my friend.


I am acquainted with a guy who runs a "performance coaching" business and who also organizes several meet up groups that are singles dances/parties. That's where I met the woman I was dating. When she and I stopped seeing each other, he and I spoke of the entire situation. He's a little upset with me now because I told him that I didn't feel that I wanted to be back out there at the moment; it seemed that trying to find a partner was a monumental waste of time for me. He has spoken to me several times about the importance of getting out there and, if I do have an interest in ultimately winning over my friend, then the fear of loss is a greater motivator than the hope for gain and it would not only do me good to be socializing again, it might move that relationship into a better place. Maybe I'll surprise him and hit one of his parties again although I'm a terrible dancer...
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #66  March 18,2009, 8:23am
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DLC...it is obvious that you are using the other women you "date" to make this "friend" jealous..simple as that...you have no intention of getting involved with them..


Once again..trying to be calm but firm here...You are absolutely, positively not ready to be dating someone as you have feelings for another woman...this is not fair to any woman who would date you...you are obsessed with this other woman, your heart has no room...and until you see this, get counseling, and finally move on from her completely....you should be alone and concentrate being a good father to your children...


Ahhh...why do I keep writing????
 
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glassonlyhalffull_fillit is offline glassonlyhalffull_fillit Post #67  March 18,2009, 8:31am
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ahhhh ingy, I sat on my hands


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dlc872 is offline dlc872 Post #68  March 18,2009, 8:34am
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Ingytravel,536417 wrote :

DLC...it is obvious that you are using the other women you "date" to make this "friend" jealous..simple as that...you have no intention of getting involved with them..


Once again..trying to be calm but firm here...You are absolutely, positively not ready to be dating someone as you have feelings for another woman...this is not fair to any woman who would date you...your heart is taken...and until you see this, get counseling, and finally move on....you should be alone and concentrate being a good father to your children...


Ahhh...why do I keep writing????
Ingy...


Please dont' get too frustrated, believe me, the thoughts you and others are posting are helpful to me.


I'm not dating anyone at all right now; I'm just wondering if it isn't healthier to get out and meet some people rather than not socializing so much and just essentially waiting around for my friend.


I am completely concentrating on my kids and my work...it's no easy task keeping everything going, that's for sure. The help that my friend does provide with my daughter's homework and that is a huge help.


Anyhow, I am listening. I don't think that this situation will be an instant fix but the perspective I get from all of you is helping me focus my thinking a lot. This isn't easy at all for me. I have a lot of affection for her as a person...as do other people who know her. She really works hard and does a lot of nice things for me and it's difficult to view her in a negative light. I know that she feels like she is doing a lot of things for us too.


But as to whether or not to get involved...I don't think it's bad to meet other people at all and that is an entirely different thing from getting into a relationship too. My lack of success with women is legendary, so the odds of actually getting past a hello at a dance or beyond a first coffee date is pretty small.


I do hear you and I have many of the same thoughts as well, which is part of why I'd stopped looking anyway. Other than a few tentative steps (maybe going to one of the parties and mingling a little or responding to a few EH matches) I'm not really doing anything at all to try to find someone. As you say, I have enough on my plate anyway.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #69  March 18,2009, 9:21am
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Glass...my hands can't stop...I'm sucked in...hahaha...or a sucker..one or the other..HAHA


Dlc...the frustrating part is that you say you are listening..but by your posts...most of us on here can see that you aren't...We all suffer from this at times when we are way too close to something that we can't see it for ourselves..that's why I am pushing counseling so much for you..you need a good strong, honest male counselor that can give it to you straight ....and to learn how to truly be happy by yourself....and I can tell from your posts that you are deep down afraid of this....


As far as what you do outside of EH..that is going to be about your own honesty about being totally up front with someone you meet and telling them you are not over someone else yet..


But as a paying member of EH myself..I think it is absolutely not right in any way shape or form for you to be responding to matches since you are not available..Just because you don't havea ring on your finger...your heart is consumed.....(she says for the 10th time)...so you are not available and I know if I were to be matched with you...I would feel betrayed and duped because I am looking for a potential true partner...


Glass..hold something shiny up so I get distracted and look away...LOL
 
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dlc872 is offline dlc872 Post #70  March 18,2009, 9:49am
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Ingytravel,536482 wrote :

Glass...my hands can't stop...I'm sucked in...hahaha...or a sucker..one or the other..HAHA


Dlc...the frustrating part is that you say you are listening..but by your posts...most of us on here can see that you aren't...We all suffer from this at times when we are way too close to something that we can't see it for ourselves..that's why I am pushing counseling so much for you..you need a good strong, honest male counselor that can give it to you straight ....and to learn how to truly be happy by yourself....and I can tell from your posts that you are deep down afraid of this....


As far as what you do outside of EH..that is going to be about your own honesty about being totally up front with someone you meet and telling them you are not over someone else yet..


But as a paying member of EH myself..I think it is absolutely not right in any way shape or form for you to be responding to matches since you are not available..Just because you don't havea ring on your finger...your heart is consumed.....(she says for the 10th time)...so you are not available and I know if I were to be matched with you...I would feel betrayed and duped because I am looking for a potential true partner...


Glass..hold something shiny up so I get distracted and look away...LOL
Thanks ingy...





Now cmon, I'm not that exasperating....





I do appreciate your thoughts and efforts .... and there is a great deal of truth to what you are saying. I felt it for sure when I was seeing the other woman.
 
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