Will I ever get out of the friend zone?


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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #131  October 29,2009, 10:07pm
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Dear DLC872,

I've been off these boards for a while and so haven't been keeping up with people's lives. Today, you and several other people here came to mind and thought I'd check in and see how you and everyone are doing . . . .

I do feel very badly for you regarding your situation and the ongoing hurt and pain . . . .

People do care and, to answer your question, "No, you haven't beaten it to death. As long as it's a concern of your's, it does help to share as long as you feel comfortable doing so. It's easy for us to give advice but hard for the one in the situation as we all know with our own situations."

Of course, it MUST be your decision about what to do . . . . It's just that it's hard for us all to see you hurting so and for such a long time. I think everyone would like you to have peace and joy NOW but "amputating things" is so very hard and very, very painful at the time. Things do get better though after it is done. Many, many people here can attest to that from their own personal experience.

You're a very intelligent man and you do know all the things people have written! As we all know, hearing and acting are two separate matters and can only be done when the person is ready, and, at their own pace.

You are a man of hope - that is most clear to probably everyone and that is a very positive thing! Just be sure to place your hope in the right things so you're not disappointed.

JavaJava5
 
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dlc872 is offline dlc872 Post #132  December 5,2009, 3:30pm
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is now a Grampa!!!!

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OK, here's the long awaited update as I sit here trying not to think of her or call her...

I think the last time I talked about this was in September right after I found out that she had a profile on plenty of fish and was there regularly.

That as kind of weird because since I had her in my favorites list it showed when she logged in ... which was every day...an almost always, without fail, she would call me about 15 minutes after she logged in. One time I was on and it said she was...not 10 minutes later she's calling me. Weird.

Anyhow, I cancelled that account to avoid the temptation to look at her profile...that can't be a good thing to do and I hadn't contacted any women there anyway....and I wasn't about to post a picture because then she would have known I knew about her.Anyway, that was a while ago.

In Sept she got very busy with her work. She was here one night for a while and it was all good; we ended up talking about my having crept up in my weight a little (though still down 20 lbs from my peak but having regained at least 10 - 15 in the prior 6 months) that she challenged me to lose 9 lbs by my birthday (which was 2 1/2 weeks away) and if I did she'd take me out to dinner. She got busy though and kind of bcame more and more scarce though she'd call some, almost every day, but I found myself ignoring her calls. I just couldn't pick up the phone when I saw it was her..and that made her start calling 5 or 10 times sometimes in a row.

We chatted a few times around the beginning of October; she apologized for being scarce but said once her job transition settled and she wasn't covering two jobs plus her part time job plus her MBA classes we'd get together. I said that was fine. I made a semi conscious decision then to cut her off...I'd been thinking of it for a while and it seemed to me that here she is, all of a sudden not so involved (probably for good reason), still in my opinion trying to lead me to believe she's still with the boyfriend though he was rarely mentioned...my head is all screwed up with this relationship. I love her dearly but I can't take this situation any more.

So I stopped picking up her calls..answering her texts...calling her, etc. She caught on to it quickly. I'd get days in my office where my cell would go off..then my office line...then my cell..then the office again. Caller ID was her. She texted me..."are you ignoring me?" She was in communication with my daughter..who told her that "my dad misses you" (which was true). She said "I miss him too". And I did. I missed her smile, her laugh, her nagging, cooking together, sitting on the train together, brainstorming, her silly dancing she does when she's being goofy, the way she rubs the back of my neck when I get one of my nasty headaches.

I missed having her around a lot. But I was starting to separate emotionally a bit anyway.

She reached me one Sunday afternoon mid October...I didn't resist the phone. She apologized because she'd been scarce...and said "I'm not going to take any crap from you because you can call me too and I know you haven't been picking up the phone". I just said I was busy and she mentioned that she missed me and that she knows she should be helping my daughter more especially since her grades were not good. And she said she misses me and does love me and hopes we can get together in a few weeks when things aren't so crazy. But I also noticed one night she picked up my daughter from school and they were at her house...and she just dropped her off here without coming in because (as she told my daughter) she didn't want me to see her all "frumpy looking".

I kept avoiding her for a while though until a few weeks later when she called me and reached me again and said that she does know I've been avoiding her and wants to be in my life and my daughter's too. Admitted things were crazy for her but was thinking of me. She also said that she'd realized that she called or texted me a lot more than I ever did her (true...she calls me 20 times to my 1 time calling her) and she thinks I should call her more.

So I kind of gave in and said we should see each other and talk more. And started taking her calls more and more. They aren't as frequent as they were though...and I called her even when I had a major issue with my daughter and we talked for 2 hours and it was pretty good.

I was still avoiding seeing her; she tried to meet up with me ont he train once or twice and I didn't see her or look for her. It's too painful in some ways. Finally my daughter called me one day and said "I'm walking home from work (she has a weekend job) with my boyfriend". I told her to hurry because I had to go out..she said "well I'm stopping at L's house to see her for a bit..she's expecting me". I said, hurry home because we have to go...she said for me to pick her up there...I didn't want to go in and have to see L...so I said "meet me in the driveway". So I get there..and who's waiting for me outside but my friend...who waves me out of the car and comes up and hugs me huge. I return it, of course, we kiss on the cheeks and she says "I've missed you" and of course I said the same thing. She said she was glad there was less of me to hug (I've lost 20 lbs since Sept) and she wants to get together soon...then we hugged some more and I went to the store as I needed to.

So I was sucked back in again. We have been talking regularly again, though not as often. Last weekend I invited her to go with us to Thanksgiving with some close friends...she said she would love to but was going to one of her girlfriend's as she has been on and off...but if I don't go away for the weekend wanted to get together. The week before she'd gotten the flu bad...and was calling me from her bed...and a few days later I was home for a week with it... and she was calling me to keep checking on me. Thanksgiving weekend she asks my daughter if she wants to go to see a movie with her and have dinner...my daughter says "can my dad come too?" and she says "of course!". So we meet at the IMAX, the show was sold out but I bought tickets to the next one for us all and we went and looked at clothes / leather jackets for me and I got us all ice cream. Of course when I mentioned her and I should go bowling she says "i'd love to...if your daughter comes too..." (my daughter was across the table from us).

The next day I planned to make my own Thanksgiving dinner (on the Sunday after) and she said she might come too...and she was a riot all day before, she kept texting my daughter to see what I was making "is he making anything healthy and green?". And she showed up, helped me finish cooking, picked all the meat off the bird, played hostess to my friends. It was nice and comfortable and I even told her that I really liked hearing that laugh in my house again. She and my daughter took food to my son, who was working, as a surprise...he'd called her recently and told her he misses her on her voice mail... and then when we were alone for a few minutes we chatted a bit and then she rubbed my neck again to help with my headache, which had come up bad.

It was all nice and pulled me back in emotionally again and left me thinking that boy, this is painful, knowing she's probably dating or seeing the old boyfriend or whatever...it sure feels "right" when we are together.

Then she called me Tuesday to chat and to talk about my daughter. In the midst of the conversation all of a sudden she says "I think I should tell you that I did finally break up with my boyfriend". I told her "I'd kind of figured that out a while ago". She said "I know you told me that it wasn't a good relationship and I knew it too but I'd was going back and forth for a long time and didn't want to hurt him because we'd been friends for years before we dated and also his finances were going bad and I didn't want him to think it was because of that....and the sex was incredible too..." I stopped her and said "I really don't want to hear about that at all". She laughed and said "but we should be able to talk about anything, we are friends and care about each other..." I said...I just don't want to hear about that. She laughed and talked about how she was enjying her liberation and doing stuff with her girlfriends that she'd been neglecting because of how involved in her relationship she was. I almost laughed at her because of how emotionally close she became to me, another man, while supposedly so involved in this relationship, but I didn't. As for us, all she mentioned was something along the lines of "we are what we are" but we didn't go into it at all other than I picked on her that "you don't know what you are missing here"...and she says "yeah, I'm missing rubbing your neck every day" and I told her, "no, you'd be holding on to the back of my neck while you scream in passion actually..." and she did one of her laughs and "ok now!!!" things...and then we talked about my daughter.

Haven't talked to her since Tuesday at all...weird, expected her to call. She may be doing the "you can call me" thing...or she's busy with other guys, I don't know. But for some odd reason I'm not sure why I don't feel ecstatic about her breakup with the boyfriend being confirmed. I am getting her a very nice Christmas gift and I know she's been shopping for us...but I don't know if there's an opening here, if I should just cut off again because this is painful and I'm sure she's most likely seeing other men, or if I should acknowledge that she probably needs some time without me pushing because, in her view, she's just out of a 4 year relationship.

All I do know is this...now that she's back in my life again...my head is again spinning and I can't say I'm happy right now. And I am missing her this weekend again.
 
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Emme is offline Emme Post #133  December 5,2009, 4:33pm

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I feel for you, I really do, but you know this isn't good and that you need to end this. But don't do it passive-agressively. You need to tell her that you feel more than friendship for her and you realize those feelings aren't returned and you just can't be around her because it's just too painful. Invite her to still be in your daughter's life as that seems to be good for both of them, but don't give in to her wanting to hug you and stuff. She needs to let you go. And you need to put on your running shoes and BOLT away from this before you are in any more agony. You're doing the bandaid thing. Do you pull it off all at once and know it's going to really hurt for a bit, or do you tear it off a tiny bit at a time knowing it will hurt less in the short run but more in the long run. Pull the thing off already, my friend. This is slowly killing you and you have enough on your plate without obsessing about her all the time. But you need to tell her why you are doing this. Just not answering her calls isn't goign to work unless you tell her FIRST why you're not going to pick up her calls anymore. Because I can guarantee you that she's not going to believe that you're not going to talk to her anymore and she's going to torture you with phone calls. Any chance you can block her number?
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #134  December 6,2009, 9:47am
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I still stand by my opinion that this girl is toxic and bad news. Nothing you said in your above post changed my mind on that.

And it seems to me that she's being a bit manipulative by involving your daughter.
 
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