Will I ever get out of the friend zone?


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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #121  September 1,2009, 3:41am
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CRKid321 wrote :
LMAO, i love that line especially since you're getting engaged very soon . So that's how you did it eh? Massive amounts of dating and a keen eye for qualities you want? Good to know
Yep, thousands of matches, 54 dates in a year, and number 55 is the one that knocked my socks off.

Gotta have high standards if you're doing online dating. In fact, you should have high standards for dating period.
 
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Tinderbox is offline Tinderbox Post #122  September 11,2009, 6:04pm
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Some good observations from several people here, especially from "robv_la" and "sweetn".

Bottom line: ever since you failed to walk away after she rejected your initial advance, you've become her girlfriend.

Also:
  • There's no real friendship when one friend wants romance from the other. That's an inherently unequal relationship. Real friends are equals.
  • Nothing you've described indicates her romantic interest in you. The affection is non-sexual and she told you straight up that you don't get her juices flowing.
  • A 40ish attractive woman who never married or had children and still lives with her mommy... has issues.
  • You're lustfully obsessed, but if nothing sexual or intense (making out, etc) happened in the first few dates then it's never going to happen.
  • Over-analyzing her behavior, interrogating her about her schedule, friends tattling back to you about her bowling dates...you're more controlling and paranoid than the bf who checks her location each night at 9pm. Who gives a dmn what she does with her life?
  • She dates many men even when she has a bf (which is why he accuses her of cheating). She's accustomed to attention from a parade of guys and you would be cuckolded immediately were you to somehow cajole her into marrying you.
  • This woman is damaged and you're afraid to find a healthy one because you know you couldn't meet her on the same level at this point in your life.
  • She keeps you around as a backup for instant attention and validation. You're her servant.
  • She enjoys pulling your puppet strings to make you jump and dance. So she calls when she knows you have a potential date and she texts you when you're speaking to another woman. She does the push-pull and you fall for it instead of ignoring her calls.
  • It's clear that you come to this forum for more female sympathy. Never mind that they're pitying your weakness, not sympathizing with your plight.
  • Women don't like excessive emotionality in a man. Weakness and indecision turns their stomachs with contempt.
  • Never listen to your female friends' advice when it comes to dating. They will unconsciously tell you opposite of the truth you need to hear.
dlc872 wrote :
"as we were getting to know each other, she'd often "test" me, as women often do with potential mate material."
dlc872 wrote :
"I'm frustrated being in this kind of relationship with someone I find attractive on many levels but that I'm stuck in the friend zone with, for whatever reason."
No doubt she did test you repeatedly, and when you failed she then categorized you as permanently in the "friend zone". There will be no more tests.

dlc872 wrote :
"I feel that if I blow it now, all the waiting has been in vain."
Who is she that you have to prove yourself? Why would you wait five minutes for any woman? Perhaps you like standing in lines. I hope so because guys will always keep cutting in line ahead of you.

dlc872 wrote :
"I've always felt that she had some integrity because she wasn't cheating on him despite lots of opportunities and his lack of attention for her."
dlc872 wrote :
"...maybe her boyfriend did have some justification for his jealousy issues."
You have no clue how she behaves behind closed doors in an actual relationship, nor whether she tells you the truth about her private extracurricular activities.

dlc872 wrote :
"A woman friend of mine commented to me that no woman is going to get so involved with a guy's family...cooking for them, helping with transportation, tutoring, etc etc...unless she also had feelings for the guy. That bond/interest has to be there for the rest to follow."
This chick may enjoy your kids' company for the mothering instinct that has been missing from her life, but that doesn't mean she wants a romantic relationship with you. Even if you convinced her to marry you, she'd get bored after the kids grew up and out, then she'd be up and out herself or messing around under your nose with one of her guy "friends".

dlc872 wrote :
"I have a tendency to emote and wear my heart on my sleeve more than most guys."
That's not an attractive way to be around women. It's not what they want, though they may claim to the contrary. And when they do say it, that doesn't mean they're attracted to sensitive and emotional men. It's that they want the men they're already attracted to (bf, husband) to be more sensitive. Women are attracted to men who are steady and not knocked off course by the changing winds of women's emotions.

dlc872 wrote :
"I've never pushed for anything sexual, I've never tried to kiss her, I've been a gentleman with her..."
Big mistake. Women want to be swept away by passion, and won't respect men who won't directly go after what they want. Not that you should act like a boor, but in this case a woman who's accustomed to getting physical with her men isn't going to be impressed that you're the one "gentleman" in her life. She's turned on by the guys who act on their desires and who don't analyze it and fret over it.

dlc872 wrote :
"The one thing that I did worry about with her was what I called the nightmare scenario...she breaks things off with the guy she has been with, then doesn't give me a chance at all and just starts seeing other guys romantically."
So?


If you would man up, you'd ignore her and hit on other women every single day. Or better yet, forget about dating until your kids are grown and out of the house. Their home is divided in half already. Any time and energy you spend on women takes away from making up for that missing 50% in your kids' lives. They need you to be 100% available, more than you need the distraction of dating women.

When you do get back into the dating scene in earnest, you should set your sights lower down the attractiveness scale, for women who aren't as sexual, independent, and who don't have so many guy friends. Or look for foreign women who are likely to be more traditionally feminine and also more appreciative of your gentle nature.
Last edited by Tinderbox; September 11,2009 at 6:14pm.
 
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Tinderbox is offline Tinderbox Post #123  September 11,2009, 6:15pm
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69inches wrote :
I see lots of mixed messages from her.
bravethestorm wrote :
I see a lot of mixed messages here.
McT wrote :
Her actions are giving mixed signals
glassonlyhalffull_fillit wrote :
You KNOW she is sending you mixed messages.
Wrong x4.
She never sent mixed messages. She told him in the beginning she wasn't interested in romance, and then treated him like a girlfriend ever since. Women who don't get along with other women and therefore have few real girlfriends often like to keep a stable of desexed men around for this purpose.
 
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Tinderbox is offline Tinderbox Post #124  September 11,2009, 6:17pm
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Steven987 wrote :
I once had an intense relationship that started going down the path you have been. She started spending a lot more time with other male friends and becoming more distant and pushing me away, but still calling and such. I don't feel she was even considering physically cheating on me, but it was more the emotional thing. I decided not to put up with it (not easy for a quiet laid back kind of guy like me) and basically called her on it. I put the ball in her court so to speak. After a week with no response, I packed up all the little things she had given/made for me, wrote a formal "good bye" note and gave it to her. Weeks later she was leaving messages, but I chose not to get re-involved with a relationship that was not moving toward commitment. Yes it was hard (we went to family weddings/holidays together) but I knew I deserved better. Fast forward 19 months and suddenly I had a redhead hottie 14 years my junior chasing after me! We married 2 years later and are closing in on 20 years fast. About 10 years ago I heard from a mutual friend that my "ex" was still asking about me! She's 54 now and never been married, and living with her sister. Sounds somewhat similar eh? Time to move on..... it will never change......
You, sir, are an inspiration! This is exactly the way to handle it.
*high five*
 
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betterdays is offline betterdays Post #125  September 11,2009, 7:41pm

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"Big mistake. Women want to be swept away by passion, and won't respect men who won't directly go after what they want. Not that you should act like a boor, but in this case a woman who's accustomed to getting physical with her men isn't going to be impressed that you're the one "gentleman" in her life. She's turned on by the guys who act on their desires and who don't analyze it and fret over it."



Nice. Particularly this part.
Last edited by betterdays; September 11,2009 at 7:52pm.
 
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Dugl is offline Dugl Post #126  September 12,2009, 11:48am
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I don't believe that guys and girls can be "just friends"..sooner or later one jumps the fence. I also have one basic rule...women I date can not have boy friends or husbands.
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #127  October 8,2009, 7:01pm
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I wonder if there's been a update on this.
 
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dlc872 is offline dlc872 Post #128  October 26,2009, 11:41am
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Mr_Right wrote :
I wonder if there's been a update on this.
I'm not sure if people really want an update on this or if I've beat the topic to death already...there have been some changes in the situation, which I can post about if there is interest still.
 
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Emme is offline Emme Post #129  October 26,2009, 5:09pm

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Dan, the longer this goes on the worse it's going to be for you and your kids if it ends. I think it's time for you to ask the ultimate question of whether she wants to date you, and if she says no I think you need to totally back away. If she still wants to do things with your daughter, have her pick your daughter up in the driveway and do NOT let her in the house. Your heart is getting dragged through the ringer and it's not fair. The more time you spend with her, and the more ambivalent she is, the more it hurts you.

Call me up. I'll go out with you and we can talk.

Emme
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #130  October 27,2009, 6:06pm
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dlc872 wrote :
I'm not sure if people really want an update on this or if I've beat the topic to death already...there have been some changes in the situation, which I can post about if there is interest still.
I'm sure I'm not the only one interested. Let's hear what's new.
 
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