DeepDiver is offline DeepDiver Post #1  March 3,2009, 4:18pm
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I'm pretty new to these boards but it sound like there is a lot of good advice flying around here.


I am 2 1/2 years out of a 20 year marrige and have had a few dates during that time. I would love to find that one special someone but here is my delimea. I found out 6 months ago that I have cancer. I've been through chemo and radition, but as my doctors tell me, it isn't producing the results we'e hoping for, atleast not very quickly. While my doctors haven't told me that it's terminal, they have said we probably only have 6 months to a year to find a treatment that I respond to or it will like spread. Then I am screwed.


I've basically come to terrms with this, but I still want to find someone I can share with and yes probably lean on. I don't like being alone and not having not having that specialperson in my life.


My problem is this, is it appropriate for me to continue to date and possiblely start a relationship, under the circumstances. Is it pleasable to find some one who would be willing to start a relationship with someone who might not be around for very long?


My bestfriend saying that I should keep looking and my cancer status doesn't have to come up. I think that would be very unfair and dishonest and I couldn't do it. My cancer isn't the first thing I tell someone new, but it does become rather apparent rather quickly, when I have chemo several times a week. And I just about ready to start a new chemo "reciepe" and my hair will probably fall out again. I just don't if I should still be looking and possibly drag someone else through all of this. Any advice or oppinions, espeically from the women, will be greatly appreciated.
 
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glassonlyhalffull_fillit is offline glassonlyhalffull_fillit Post #2  March 3,2009, 4:51pm
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You're right, no need to share this info to casual dates. Once you spend time with someone that has the potential of a serious relationship, then disclose it.


P.S I sent you a PM (private message)


Welcome to the boards!


You're in my prayers
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  March 3,2009, 6:32pm
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I feel that any adverse condition need not be disclosed. Nothing should be lied about, though.


A lot of people express these questions as if they are binary, when they are not. There is not “Mr. Universe” on the one hand and sickly people on the other, with nothing in between – hence the logic in not disclosing.


“[/b]I've basically come to terrms with this, but I still want to find someone I can share with and yes probably lean on.”[/b]


I think great care is needed with this goal. Coming with an attitude that you are looking for support is likely to turn off a lot of people.


“[/b]My problem is this, is it appropriate for me to continue to date and possiblely start a relationship, under the circumstances. Is it pleasable to find some one who would be willing to start a relationship with someone who might not be around for very long?”[/b][/b]


Yes and yes. I feel strongly that a tone of defensiveness should never be used, since there is no cause for you to apologize for a medical problem. It is part of you, which I would allow her to discover, in time, as she inquires, or you share. In any case, most dating scenarios don’t last six months anyway.


Would it bother you if your match didn’t disclose that she takes pills for blood pressure? Don’t make a negative assumption.


“[/b]I just don't if I should still be looking and possibly drag someone else through all of this.”[/b]


It is her choice to leave you – and some inevitably will – why not give someone the chance?
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #4  March 3,2009, 9:17pm
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I would not tella date about my condition until it looked like things were getting serious. At this point I would tell them exactly what the doctors told you. If the woman is serious about youshe will stick around. You might consider a support group for those with cancer. They might be able to help with this question, plus you might find a woman who is a cancer survivor herself that is interested in you. Good Luck
 
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propanekid is offline propanekid Post #5  March 3,2009, 9:59pm
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Diver


First of all welcome to the boards side or eharmony. Secondly my prayers are with you on your battle.


I am not in the same boat as you as my situation isn't life threatening but I am dealing with the C also. As to when to tell someone that is a personal choice. It has come at different stages for me but so far I have always revealed it before we met in real life. And to look at me you would never know it. I am being treated successfully with oral meds.


If you want there are a couple of support groups here at EHa. Look at my profile and they will show up near the top of the groups I belong to. I should add though that Cancer isn't a very popular topic here so those groups aren't very active but there are people there who will offer advice and support.


HTH


propa
 
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SoCo1 is offline SoCo1 Post #6  March 4,2009, 7:58am
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I too will pray for your successful treatment.


As you wrote, you won't be hiding anything. It's not going to be a secret for anyone with any life experience. On a more difficult leval, are you really sure you want to start dating now? Ifyou're actively going through chemo multiple times a week, I'm thinking "dating" may be fairly hard. Each person's expeirience of the treatment is different and it changes within the indiidual person even within a single modality, but won't the effects be a bit more then lost hair?


Will you want to go to eat? Will you have the energy to want to go out and sit through a movie? How grumpy will you be because you don't feel good? Will you be able to stand the smells of people's perfumes outside of your home? And, not to put too fine a point on it, but how far from a bathroom will you be able to go? True, there will be rest periods where youmay feel the energy to get your grove on. However, do you just want to date once every month?


That's not to say you shouldn't try to date or, better, make friends during this time. It's just that it will be a lot harder to be your best self during active treatment. Even at the best of times it's not easy to "sell" our best side in the hope of matching up with someone. Be sure you won't settle for just anyone who is willing....unless.


Unless you really do believe down to your core that attitude is everything. The greatest love I ever formed was with my wife as she was going through her cancer treatments. The time spent, the struggles jointly surmounted and the life lived as hard as possible because of the reality that none of us are guaranteed a single day more was my life's peak experience. If you can stay positive, you may have and share the same with someone else. I only put out the fact I was already in love with her when all this started and I am unsure if I would have put up with the crabby, sick, sensitive times if that were not the case. If you can be your best because of a positive attitude, go for it. If you can only be 1/2 your best, be sure you factor that into whatever your goal is from dating.
 
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WildWilma is offline WildWilma Post #7  March 16,2009, 5:20am
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Dear Deepdiver,


I am truly saddened to heare about your predicament. You will be in my prayers. As to your question, is it possible to find that special someone and should you even be looking? I think the answer to both questions is yes.


I agree partly with you friend. Your cancer status shouldn't be the first thing you bring up when you are dating. It's not like you have a big scarlet C on your forehead. However if a relationship does start to progress, than you must tell her your situation and let her make the decision. There are women who will still stay with you but there are also others who will back off because they don't want to be hurt and be around as you go through all of this trama.


You really aren't in a unique situation. None of us are guarenteed to wake up tomorrow, or not walk in front of the bus today. It's also not too different than an soldier starting a relationship just before they are deployed to the war zones. One other thing to keep in mind, doctors can be wrong. I think we've all heard of the people who have been told they only have a few months left and finally die of old age 30 years later.


I would advise that you keep looking, but don't let it be you primary focus. Your primary focus should be beating the cancer.


I wish you well and good luck.


WildWilma
 
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Imcrazy is offline Imcrazy Post #8  March 16,2009, 9:04am
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I have a terminal illness and I wonder all the time. if I should tell the guy or will it scare him away. I am scared that I will leave this earth and not find someone. so I know how you feel. I am also a virgin so I just want to find love through aall the pain I have been through.
 
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