Boyfriend Sneaking off to Bars???


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camille76 is offline camille76 Post #1  February 18,2009, 3:59pm
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I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now. He treats me wonderfully and my family is quite attached to him. He is the lead guitarist/vocalist for a well-known band and is always around alcohol. He usually drinks something every day after work, but it has never interfered with his work or his band.


The other day he really wanted to go get a drink from a local bar. It was a Sunday afternoon and we had plans to take a physician that works for me out to dinner early that evening. I suggested that we wait until we get to dinner to have a drink.


Shortly after that, he announced that he had to go to the drugstore. To make a long story short, I found out that he went to a local bar to gulp down a few drinks instead. And I do mean gulp them down...he was only there 10 minutes and had two Bloody Marys.


Now, he says he did not lie about where he was going. That if I would have asked him, upon returning home, if he went to a bar instead of a drugstore he would have said yes. But why would I ask him that?


This may sound silly (he says it is) but now I am worried about these two things:


That he NEEDED a drink bad enough to sneak off to a bar


That maybe he has done this before, and how do I know what to believe? Can you trust someone like this, that tells you one thing and apparently does another? He said the reason he didn't tell me about the bar was because he thought I would get upset about him drinking shortly before we were to go to a very nice dinner.


Now, I totally realize that I may be being ridiculous about this. If so, someone please tell me.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #2  February 18,2009, 6:40pm
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As you said, athletes, celebrities, musicians, etc., are around a lot of dangerous vices all the time. It's easy for them to develop drug and alcohol problems. I'm not saying that's the case with your man, but if he's deceiving you to steal a drink, that's suspicious. But the bottom line is, you don't have enough "evidence" at this point to jump to any conclusions. I guess you just have to hope that it was a one-time thing. The next time he does it, you need to call him on it.
 
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m8se69 is offline m8se69 Post #3  February 18,2009, 7:06pm
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Unfortunately, I have quite a bit of experience with musicians and men that felt the need to sneak off and drink. So I will base my advice to you on that.


My first question to you is what is his past like? I know that a year sounds like a long time to get to know someone. But if his past is that of drinking, and bad relationships, then you have just started to meet the real man.


My second question is why he couldn't make himself a drink at home. Is there alcohol in the house? If not, why?


You say that he drinks something alcoholic "everyday". But it hasn't affected his work...that you know of. Did he use all his vacation time and sick days last year? Were the reasons really legit?


The statement that "he didn't lie, because you never asked" screams that he's played this game before. The fact that he lied to begin with, is the lie. Yet he's trying to convince you that it's "you" not "him".


Now here's the real reason that I know that something's going on. HOW did you know that he was at the bar? If it was only 10 minutes, what made you investigate the truth? There's definitely a reason that you found out the truth, and I'm sure the bartender didn't call you up to tell you.


I know there is much more to your story. And unfortunately, I believe I know what it is, without you having to say it.


So with that...you are not being "silly". There is writing on the wall with this guy that things are only going to get worse. A year in a steady relationship with you, and you already have to "get the truth" of where he's going besides the drugstore. Things will not get better. The more that the drinking and whatever else becomes an issue in your relationship, the more things like this will happen.


As I said before, look at his past. That's about to be your future.
 
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camille76 is offline camille76 Post #4  February 18,2009, 7:32pm
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Thank you both for your responses!


To answer your quetions:


We have beer and wine in the house, but it was a Bloody Mary he wanted so badly. I know that the alcohol hasn't affected his work in the year that I have known him. (He produces most days and gets up at 5:30am) He has never overslept. Two friends of mine own the bar he went to. After we left the dinner that night, he begged to go there for one drink and to see a fellow musician who was at the bar. The folks that own this bar are very good friends of mine. We went, although I didn't want to, and one of the owners asked where I was earlier and asked my biyfriend if he enjoyed his drinks earlier that day! That's how I found out. I guess he wasn't expecting them to be at the bar.


Let me tell you what he says when I try to talk to him about this situation. He says he's not a child that needs to be looked after. That he can't believe that I'd get upset over 10 minutes in a bar.


I can not get him to understand where I am coming from with this. He almost has me convinced I am in the wrong for being upset. I have tried to reason with him. He says I have no reason not to trust him. I never really have...but is it silly for me to wonder where he REALLY is the next time he says he has to run to the drugstore? Is that wrong?
 
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camille76 is offline camille76 Post #5  February 18,2009, 7:38pm
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Oh and m8se69....that is some of the best advice I have ever heard. "Look at his past. That's about to be your future." Thank you
 
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m8se69 is offline m8se69 Post #6  February 18,2009, 8:05pm
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Camille76,


It's unfortunate that he lied. I'm sure you felt like someone kicked you in the gut when your friends asked where you were. He has planted the seed of doubt. The only way that seed is not going to grow is for it to never happen again. It will take time for you to not doubt him. And I hope for you the plant dies.


Like I said, I've been there. I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm assuming by your screen name that you're 33. Living the band scene is fun and exciting. I did it for 15 + years. But when I started to expect a little more stability in my life and with my SO, things started to turn. Some musicians feel that they are losing their identity when they can't just stop in the bar on a whim, or that they have to start "asking permission". And there are some that have the relationship, and the family and the job, and combine it all very well. I base those 2 on their individual personalities. My ex liked being "Norm"...everybody knew his name, and he was the life of the party everywhere he went. He can't handle stability. The ones that don't care if they are the center of attention, can usually handle it. What is your bf like?


If you are willing to let this incident go, then it's best not to talk about it. I have a problem with forgetting, which complicates the forgiving. But no matter what, don't let him tell you that it's you. You have every right to feel what you are feeling. You were lied to. It's up to him to prove to you that it was a mistake, and won't happen again.


I wish you much luck and happiness!
 
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camille76 is offline camille76 Post #7  February 18,2009, 8:15pm
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m8se69,494309 wrote :

Camille76,


It's unfortunate that he lied. I'm sure you felt like someone kicked you in the gut when your friends asked where you were. He has planted the seed of doubt. The only way that seed is not going to grow is for it to never happen again. It will take time for you to not doubt him. And I hope for you the plant dies.


Like I said, I've been there. I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm assuming by your screen name that you're 33. Living the band scene is fun and exciting. I did it for 15 + years. But when I started to expect a little more stability in my life and with my SO, things started to turn. Some musicians feel that they are losing their identity when they can't just stop in the bar on a whim, or that they have to start "asking permission". And there are some that have the relationship, and the family and the job, and combine it all very well. I base those 2 on their individual personalities. My ex liked being "Norm"...everybody knew his name, and he was the life of the party everywhere he went. He can't handle stability. The ones that don't care if they are the center of attention, can usually handle it. What is your bf like?


If you are willing to let this incident go, then it's best not to talk about it. I have a problem with forgetting, which complicates the forgiving. But no matter what, don't let him tell you that it's you. You have every right to feel what you are feeling. You were lied to. It's up to him to prove to you that it was a mistake, and won't happen again.


I wish you much luck and happiness!
Well we actually have reached a stalemate. He refuses to see my point and a few of his friends (single, alcoholics, musicians) are telling him that NO ONE should get upset over 10 minutes in a bar, and why should he tell me every move he makes? That's why I was wondering...maybe I AM in the wrong here.


The thing is, if he can't at least try to see where I'm coming from, I just can't be with him. I told him that. He keeps texting and saying I am being unreasonable
 
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camille76 is offline camille76 Post #8  February 18,2009, 8:17pm
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Also..his mother told me that as a child he was diagnosed with narcissism...
 
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m8se69 is offline m8se69 Post #9  February 18,2009, 8:31pm
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camille76,494324 wrote :

m8se69,494309 wrote :


Camille76,


It's unfortunate that he lied. I'm sure you felt like someone kicked you in the gut when your friends asked where you were. He has planted the seed of doubt. The only way that seed is not going to grow is for it to never happen again. It will take time for you to not doubt him. And I hope for you the plant dies.


Like I said, I've been there. I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm assuming by your screen name that you're 33. Living the band scene is fun and exciting. I did it for 15 + years. But when I started to expect a little more stability in my life and with my SO, things started to turn. Some musicians feel that they are losing their identity when they can't just stop in the bar on a whim, or that they have to start "asking permission". And there are some that have the relationship, and the family and the job, and combine it all very well. I base those 2 on their individual personalities. My ex liked being "Norm"...everybody knew his name, and he was the life of the party everywhere he went. He can't handle stability. The ones that don't care if they are the center of attention, can usually handle it. What is your bf like?


If you are willing to let this incident go, then it's best not to talk about it. I have a problem with forgetting, which complicates the forgiving. But no matter what, don't let him tell you that it's you. You have every right to feel what you are feeling. You were lied to. It's up to him to prove to you that it was a mistake, and won't happen again.


I wish you much luck and happiness!


Well we actually have reached a stalemate. He refuses to see my point and a few of his friends (single, alcoholics, musicians) are telling him that NO ONE should get upset over 10 minutes in a bar, and why should he tell me every move he makes? That's why I was wondering...maybe I AM in the wrong here.


The thing is, if he can't at least try to see where I'm coming from, I just can't be with him. I told him that. He keeps texting and saying I am being unreasonable
Wow. He just doesn'tget it. And now he's getting his friends to help in making him believe his story. Sicking the dogs on you isn't going to help matters.


You are doing the right thing. He needs to apologize, and mean it. And to mean it, he needs to admit that what he did was lying and wrong.


For whatever reason, going to that bar was the most important thing that mattered at that particular moment in time. So be a man, and fess up to what you did. This turning of the tables is just his way to feed his own guilt. Don't let him get away with it.


Let me guess. If you were to ask him how he would feel about it. His answer would be "that he would have just went when you asked." Right?
 
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m8se69 is offline m8se69 Post #10  February 18,2009, 8:32pm
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camille76,494329 wrote :

Also..his mother told me that as a child he was diagnosed with narcissism...
LOL So mom has his number too! I'm not sure if narcissism is diagnosable as a child.
 
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