Is it really that wrong for a girl to have close guy friends?


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sparky1413 is offline sparky1413 Post #1  February 11,2009, 9:00pm
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My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. Things are going great except one thing. I have a guy friend. We have been friends since we were 13 (now both 22). We went to senior prom together. After my first serious relationship ended, I would drive the 45 mins to his house to get my mind off things (like any best friend would). Nothing romantic ever happened between us. There were never any feelings other than a close friendship. My boyfriend has known about our friendship since the beginning and hasbecome very jealous in the past few months. He will say things like "Oh,are youdrinking diet coke so you will fit in his wedding dress?" and he refers to him as my "other boyfriend". I have told him at least 8-9 times that nothing has, is or will happen between us, but he still doesn't believe me. I love my boyfriend dearly, but I shouldn't be afraid to talk to one of my closest friends for fear that my boyfriend will get jealous. I don't know what to do.





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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #2  February 11,2009, 9:05pm
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That is definitely his issue.His passive aggressive behavior will not be good for your relationship.


He must be sensing that the guy wants more deep down but that does not mean that you should adjust your behavior. He does not know what the other guy wants at all.


I would say that you should not put up with that attitude if it continues to progress. He is not trusting you & that is a major strain on a relationship.
 
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curious_girl is offline curious_girl Post #3  February 11,2009, 9:37pm
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Have an honest heart to heart with your boyfriend. I have a close guy friend (we've been close since the second grade); I don't allow it to be an issue. he simply is a part of my life. He has been known to call my mama "mama" and is a part of my family. I won't abandon my family or friends for a boyfriend. I don't advise that you do, either.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #4  February 11,2009, 9:48pm
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I'll tell you what he's thinking ...


1) Guys do not trust other guys.We are guys and we know how other guys think. If you are even remotely attractive, you are fooling yourself that your 'friend' just wants to be your 'friend' ...guys don't want to be friends with women they are attracted to. My 14yr old thinks that her 14-16 year old male friends don't even think about sex ...you have the same naive thinking.


2) Maybe you talk about this 'friend' alot? This is a classic sign of emotional connection in at least two red flag relationship situations ...an affair and an ex you aren't over yet. If my gf was talking about one guy in particular all the time, I'd think along one of those two lines.


3) ...maybe you talk to this 'friend' alot? No guy wantstheir gfto confide relationship secrets to another guy. See #1 above. Girl talk is one thing, we kind of expect that, but placing another guy in the position of sabatoging your relationship for his own agenda (whether or not you believe that agenda exists)...not cool.


4) Guys hear, "oh, he's just a friend" all the time...usually right before they get dumped for said 'friend'. All I can say on this is, once bitten, twice shy. Blame your sisterhood on this one.


Bottom line is, your bf is feeling threatened by this 'other guy'. I'm going to guess that this won't be resolved without an eventual ultimatum ...your 'friend' or your bf. Right or wrong, that's how it's going to play out.
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #5  February 11,2009, 10:07pm
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If your boyfriend is doing his job, then he should not be feeling insecure. If he knew that your needs were being met, then this issue would not exist.


I expect a strong relationship that cannot be threatened. I really do expect such greatness. If something like that gets in the way, then it really isn't that good of a relationship.
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #6  February 11,2009, 10:16pm
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BikerBeagle,483705 wrote :

I'll tell you what he's thinking ...


1) Guys do not trust other guys.We are guys and we know how other guys think. If you are even remotely attractive, you are fooling yourself that your 'friend' just wants to be your 'friend' ...guys don't want to be friends with women they are attracted to. My 14yr old thinks that her 14-16 year old male friends don't even think about sex ...you have the same naive thinking.


Bottom line is, your bf is feeling threatened by this 'other guy'. I'm going to guess that this won't be resolved without an eventual ultimatum ...your 'friend' or your bf. Right or wrong, that's how it's going to play out.
Biker your remark about a girl fooling herself if she thinks a guy would actually only want to be friends especially if she is even remotely attractive is so far out of this universe that you would need to locate it. I in fact was a friend to several girls. All of them were attractive. Some of the girls were single while others were married. Not once did I try to sabotage any of their relationships nor did I think about trying to get them in bed. The single girl friendswould go out with me to a club to learn certain dancing or just to have company so they were not lonely. Other times they needed a shoulder and nothing more.


If this guy gives her an ultamatum he best be ready to reap the consequences because if she is smart she will give little Mr. Insecure his walking papers.
 
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curious_girl is offline curious_girl Post #7  February 11,2009, 10:16pm
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bigfincat,483723 wrote :

If your boyfriend is doing his job, then he should not be feeling insecure. If he knew that your needs were being met, then this issue would not exist.


I expect a strong relationship that cannot be threatened. I really do expect such greatness. If something like that gets in the way, then it really isn't that good of a relationship.
+1111110000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 000000000
 
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someramblingguy is offline someramblingguy Post #8  February 11,2009, 10:37pm
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I have to agree with angelofmerci. I've even had attractive girl friends practically jump me, but I turned them down because I knew they either weren't in the right place emotionally or I didn't feel the same way about them, and I cared too much about them to do something that I knew would end up hurting them or that we'd both regret later. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't tempting, but that doesn't make it worth throwing away a friendship.
 
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sparky1413 is offline sparky1413 Post #9  February 11,2009, 11:13pm
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BikerBeagle:

1.) Just because two members of opposite sexes are friends does not mean that one (or both) are in it just because they are attracted. He is more like a brother. No, Ihave notspoken to him much at all lately (he's a full-time college student and I work full-time). We are also in separate cities. I also do not talk about him often either. Really, the only time he is brought up is by my boyfriend (who, in my opinion, would probably get along really, REALLY well If i could ever get them in the same room, let alone the same city).


I also wanted to let you guys know that a few minutes ago, my boyfriend called me and apologized for everything. He said he was just stressing about his job and trying to get published. He admitted on focusing his frustration on something completely irrellevant (and used the infamous line "I trust you, its guys I don't trust."). He told me that he will make it up to me by taking me to my favorite restaurant on Friday.
 
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timeless2 is offline timeless2 Post #10  February 12,2009, 4:35am
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What comes up for me is the cheating thing.... Does having men as friends mean a concern for cheating? Does looking for new men friends imply cheating? Does looking for or having female friends imply cheating? Does looking at porn imply cheating? Or going to gogo/strip joints? Would you want/could you stand foryour spouse/SO to do the same thing? What's the difference between looking and working in a gogo/strip joint? Aren't they people too? The line seems to move.
 
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