Kevin_in_TO is offline Kevin_in_TO Post #1  February 7,2009, 12:30pm
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One of the stock questions on EH asks about chemistry when you first meet, etc.


I read this last week, as part of an article:


Don't invest in fireworks
There may be little or no connection on a first date. But, if sparks do fly, Gloria warns against being blinded by the flash; instant sparks do not guarantee success in a relationship. Diane, a 36-year-old executive assistant, recently dated a man who gave her that Oh-my-God feeling. "There was real chemistry at the beginning," she says. "But once we had been out a few times, I realized he didn't have all the other stuff I wanted. It was purely a physical attraction."

On the other hand, and contrary to popular myth, chemistry can grow. "Many women think that if there are no fireworks within the first few minutes of a date, there never will be," says Gloria. "But I know from personal experience that's not true. I didn't feel a spark until I'd had several dates with my husband, and now I'm crazy about him. I'm not saying there shouldn't be a physical attraction, but it's not necessarily instantaneous."





I am curious what people think as I have had a couple of women who have said, after the first coffee/lunch meet, "I am sorry but I do not feel the chemistry".
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #2  February 7,2009, 12:42pm
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I don't argue with her, if that's how she feels. Me myself, I definitely know when there is absolutely no chemistry within the first part of a date, but I am all for going on up to three dates to determine if sufficient chemistry exists for a relationship.
 
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metamucilmuffin is offline metamucilmuffin Post #3  February 7,2009, 2:29pm
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Sometimes there might be a non-romantic, friendly chemistry where two people can click on a number of topics, but have no physical attraction. This is probably worth another date or two to see if anything develops, orto cultivate a friendship. But if there's no connection from the start, why beat a dead horse?
 
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vapsman88 is offline vapsman88 Post #4  February 7,2009, 2:57pm
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Well here is an odd thought. Why don't we just enjoy and be with the other person. Listen to and havew fun with each other instead of waiting for some mythical sensation to hit you. If you like each other and want to go on, great! If not friends is ok too.
 
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saphia2009 is offline saphia2009 Post #5  February 7,2009, 4:41pm
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I had a date for lunch on Monday. A few days later he wrote me an email telling me that he didn't feel the way you're supposed to feel when you meet that special someone. While it hurt to be rejected, I did know what he meant. I would have gone out with him again to see if there was chemistry between us. I told one of my coworkers what he had written, and she said that it is usually hard to tell if there is chemistry one the first day because people are nervous on the first date. But if you're the man, and you feel like you should pay, then I guess you would be more choosy about the women you date.
 
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zana is offline zana Post #6  February 7,2009, 5:01pm
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I can usually tell from the first date if there is going to be any chemistry.... for anything further.... I dont always listen to my own advice, but it's there and it's usually right....


For me, there needs to be even just a little zing, something to make me excited to see him again.....


But I do know that not everyone feels that way and in some people the chemistry does grow and it could be they are the smarter ones because they are not clouded with their emotions / hormones and can view the potential of the relationship with clearer eyes
 
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notyet is offline notyet Post #7  February 7,2009, 5:03pm
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vapsman88,476271 wrote :

Well here is an odd thought. Why don't we just enjoy and be with the other person. Listen to and havew fun with each other instead of waiting for some mythical sensation to hit you. If you like each other and want to go on, great! If not friends is ok too.
+1
 
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DearSomeone is offline DearSomeone Post #8  February 7,2009, 5:35pm
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zana,476473 wrote :

For me, there needs to be even just a little zing, something to make me excited to see him again.....


But I do know that not everyone feels that way and in some people the chemistry does grow and it could be they are the smarter ones because they are not clouded with their emotions / hormones and can view the potential of the relationship with clearer eyes
I totally agree with you on this one! A little bit of zing gives me the excitement to linger on to the next date, atleast it gives momentum for a potential relationship. If things doesnt work out, oh well, it was fun while it lasted.


Not everyone feels the same, but for me there must defenitely be chemistryfrom the start.
 
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Kevin_in_TO is offline Kevin_in_TO Post #9  February 16,2009, 6:36am
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I think that I got an answer last weekend and it is a combination of (a) yes there is chemistry and (b) give it time.


I had three initial dates the weekend before last: lunch with one; drinks in the evening with another; and coffee the next day with a third. I enjoyed the first two dates: the conversation flowed very, very easily and the time flew by. The third one was a bit more of a struggle and did not seem as comfortable. I took some time to determine if this was due to the fact that the first two went so well. By the end of the week, I realised that, while I liked the third lady, there was something that would not have fitted between the two of us.


As a consequence, I wrote to her saying that I had met someone else with whom I have more in common. This is the first woman I met. We met again this weekend and are going out for dinner next weekend. Things may not go any further than friendship but I enjoy her company, love listening to her and it feels both natural and comfortable to be with her.
 
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constantseeker is offline constantseeker Post #10  February 16,2009, 7:03am
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I am having an experience like I have never had before with my latest guy, and I wonder sometimesif it will go the distance. I met him on a different dating website. I was not particularly impressed by him upon meeting him in person, but he showed a lot of interest in me, calling and/or e-mailing every day. I wasn't even impressed with him when talking with him either, but there was a physical/chemical attraction when he kissed me. Against my better judgement I slept with him on the fourth date(I say against my better judgement, because I thought my casual sex approach to datingwas a thing of the past... I don't know ifI'm expressing myself well here). Anyway, after knowing him for almost 5 months, I am completely enamored of him; physically, emotionally, the whole bit.The chemistry and attachmentjust keeps getting stronger and I feel like I am truly in love for the first time, even though I have fallenin love manytimes and was married for 14 years, yet miserable the entire time (yes,even while dating the man I married I was miserable with him - but there had been a physical attractionalmost immediately)


So I think you should consider on an individual basis if there are other things that attract you to someone and see if a physical chemistry develops. Of course, if after several months you can't see yourself getting excited to "be with" that person, you should probably re-evaluate and cultivate the friendship instead - opposite sex friendships can be extremely valuable and elusive and are nothing to sneeze at either!
 
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