Is this the right decision?


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sadpanda is offline sadpanda Post #1  February 2,2009, 8:52am
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My girlfriend recently broke up with me a few days ago and I'm still left wondering what happened. She gave me the old "we are just way too different". She said she thought about it for a few days before ultimately making the decision.


Two weeks ago, she was still very much in love with me, promising me she would always love me and making me do the same. Since she lives in the city I go to school, and I am on co-op term, I only got to see her once every week or 2 and I made the best of it.


However, 2 weeks ago, after I left, she began to have lots of stress with homework and began to take birth control pills despite me warning her it might have side effects and we haven't even had sex yet. She said that side effects were depression, and she didn't feel that bad so I let it go. Last weekend, when I went to visit her, she wasn't herself. She was still very loving, still making the same promise and making me do that same, but she clearly wasn't as cheerful and playful as she usually is.


She is a very shy, innocent, sweet person, who tends to make decisions with her heart. She is the type of person who can get really hurt if she meets the wrong person, and I still care for her and want to protect her. I am still wondering what made her change her mind so fast. Another thing is she talked to her parents for the first time in a while the night after I left, and that might be part of her decision.


I still very much love her and I would definitely give her another chance if she changed her mind. I was thinking of going down and having a heart to heart talk with her to clear things up, because I am still shocked and confused as to what happened. I want to tell her how much she means to me but I am wondering if it will make me seem desperate. I think that talking to her will help me feel better, even if she doesn't want me back, but I don't want her out of my life for sure.


Is it a good idea to try to talk to her like that, or just leave it for a while, or am I really misjudging the situation?


I am really depressed right now, and can't focus on anything. I don't know what to do.
 
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constantseeker is offline constantseeker Post #2  February 2,2009, 12:30pm
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I'm sorry you are going through this. You sound like a very thoughtful and sweet (do you mind if I use the word sweet?) guy and you should be given some kind of explanation, but she may just keep stating the "too different" thing, so be prepared for that and also only make ONE attempt at a heart-to-heart talk with her - do not pressure her by calling constantly, or insisting on the "real reason."If she seems averse to the discussion, I know it will bedifficult, but give her spaceand try to keep busy with other things.


How long have you known her? I can't imagine what could be going through her mind without more detail, but does she have much dating experience? It's true that the pills could be having an effect on her, but just breaking things off with you seems extreme.


You'll get lots of good advice on these boards. I know I have. And I can sympathize with your lack of focus. Let me know what happens.
 
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I_have_the_simplist_of_tastes_ is offline I_have_the_simplist_of_tastes_ Post #3  February 2,2009, 1:00pm
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sadpanda, wrote :

My girlfriend recently broke up with me a few days ago and I'm still left wondering what happened. She gave me the old "we are just way too different". She said she thought about it for a few days before ultimately making the decision.


Two weeks ago, she was still very much in love with me, promising me she would always love me and making me do the same. Since she lives in the city I go to school, and I am on co-op term, I only got to see her once every week or 2 and I made the best of it.


However, 2 weeks ago, after I left, she began to have lots of stress with homework and began to take birth control pills despite me warning her it might have side effects and we haven't even had sex yet. She said that side effects were depression, and she didn't feel that bad so I let it go. Last weekend, when I went to visit her, she wasn't herself. She was still very loving, still making the same promise and making me do that same, but she clearly wasn't as cheerful and playful as she usually is.


She is a very shy, innocent, sweet person, who tends to make decisions with her heart. She is the type of person who can get really hurt if she meets the wrong person, and I still care for her and want to protect her. I am still wondering what made her change her mind so fast. Another thing is she talked to her parents for the first time in a while the night after I left, and that might be part of her decision.


I still very much love her and I would definitely give her another chance if she changed her mind. I was thinking of going down and having a heart to heart talk with her to clear things up, because I am still shocked and confused as to what happened. I want to tell her how much she means to me but I am wondering if it will make me seem desperate. I think that talking to her will help me feel better, even if she doesn't want me back, but I don't want her out of my life for sure.


Is it a good idea to try to talk to her like that, or just leave it for a while, or am I really misjudging the situation?


I am really depressed right now, and can't focus on anything. I don't know what to do.
It is very possible to love someone and not be a good match (happens way too often!). But it is a good thing when someone recognizes that and follows their intuition. What ever differences that she sees, obviously were enough to make her walk away from a potentially unhealthy relationship for the two of you.


It probably took a lot for her to be able to face this situation and act upon it.


While you are still in school that is what you need to now focus on. (Easier said than done). You have plenty of time ahead of you to meet the right girl! And like I tell my kids... two people meeting at a young age will not be the same people 10 years from now, because of the fact that you are still developing emotionally and maturely. Sorry for your heart ache... you sound like a wonderful person!
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #4  February 3,2009, 6:33am
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"we are just way too different" = "I've met someone else I like more than you".


No oneleaves someone they are still "very much in love with" ...


No one takes birth control pills for "stress with homework" ...


She's telling you what you want to hear ...probably in an attempt to spare your feelings, but still ...guilt is what is driving her now, not 'love'.
 
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robv_la is offline robv_la Post #5  February 3,2009, 7:45am
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I agree with BB, this doesn't add up. If you weren't having sex, what was her big motivation for starting birth control? Obviously because she was having sex or expecting to have sex with someone else. So then she was seeing someone else, which is why she broke up with you.


You won't get her back, she's already gone. Sorry man.
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #6  February 3,2009, 7:46am
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BikerBeagle,468622 wrote :

"we are just way too different" = "I've met someone else I like more than you".


No oneleaves someone they are still "very much in love with" ...


No one takes birth control pills for "stress with homework" ...


She's telling you what you want to hear ...probably in an attempt to spare your feelings, but still ...guilt is what is driving her now, not 'love'.







BikerBeagle I think you are way off this time. There are too much that we do not know to give really good sound advice.


First we do not know why she started taking birth control pills. They could have been prescribed to regular her periods or to help with her complexion. Being a nurse I have seen doctors prescribe birth control pills for both of these reasons.


Second "we are just way too different" could have been caused by her conversation with her parents. We do not know if her parents are paying for her education. If they are they could have put pressure on her to ditch the boyfriend and crack the books.


Third "no one leaves someone they are still 'very much in love with" is not true. In past posts I have said I did this very thing. It was not until after I broke off the relationship that I realiized what a fool I had been.


My advice is to try to have a good sit-down to get at the bottom of this situation. You may not get any different answers but at least you tried. In the meantime you have two options. One is to drop your classes this semester and start fresh next semester as your mind right now is not where it should be. The other option is to pull yourself together and pour yourself into your studies. Good Luck
 
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mimijiminy is offline mimijiminy Post #7  February 3,2009, 10:55am
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angelofmerci,468711 wrote :

BikerBeagle,468622 wrote :


"we are just way too different" = "I've met someone else I like more than you".


No oneleaves someone they are still "very much in love with" ...


No one takes birth control pills for "stress with homework" ...


She's telling you what you want to hear ...probably in an attempt to spare your feelings, but still ...guilt is what is driving her now, not 'love'.











BikerBeagle I think you are way off this time. There are too much that we do not know to give really good sound advice.


First we do not know why she started taking birth control pills. They could have been prescribed to regular her periods or to help with her complexion. Being a nurse I have seen doctors prescribe birth control pills for both of these reasons.


Second "we are just way too different" could have been caused by her conversation with her parents. We do not know if her parents are paying for her education. If they are they could have put pressure on her to ditch the boyfriend and crack the books.


Third "no one leaves someone they are still 'very much in love with" is not true. In past posts I have said I did this very thing. It was not until after I broke off the relationship that I realiized what a fool I had been.


My advice is to try to have a good sit-down to get at the bottom of this situation. You may not get any different answers but at least you tried. In the meantime you have two options. One is to drop your classes this semester and start fresh next semester as your mind right now is not where it should be. The other option is to pull yourself together and pour yourself into your studies. Good Luck
Agreed, angelofmerci. While I do find the birth control pills a tad suspicious, there are many reasons why she may have started to take them.


As for being able to leave someone you are very much in love with, also a possibility--not only from personal experience, but my best friend went through something similar. She broke up with someone she loved deliriously, because she didn't want to spend the rest of her life here in the U.S. and he had no intention of ever leaving New York. So, there was no room for negotiation on both ends...no matter how much you love someone, sometimes there are things you won't compromise. Call me a cynic, but love doesn't conquer all.


As for me...when I turned 30, I broke up with someone I was madly in love with because--you guessed it--we are/were way too different: completely different backgrounds, lifestyles, expectations from life, etc. But oh, how we loved each other...and I suspect still do. I just couldn't see our love sustaining a life-long relationship. It was gut-wrenching, don't get me wrong, but needed to be done, for both our sakes'.


Granted, there seems to be an age differential between me, my BF and the OP's GF, but still...if she's a reasonable person, then maybe she is just acting rationally.
 
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mimijiminy is offline mimijiminy Post #8  February 3,2009, 10:59am
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sadpanda, wrote :

My girlfriend recently broke up with me a few days ago and I'm still left wondering what happened. She gave me the old "we are just way too different". She said she thought about it for a few days before ultimately making the decision.


Two weeks ago, she was still very much in love with me, promising me she would always love me and making me do the same. Since she lives in the city I go to school, and I am on co-op term, I only got to see her once every week or 2 and I made the best of it.


However, 2 weeks ago, after I left, she began to have lots of stress with homework and began to take birth control pills despite me warning her it might have side effects and we haven't even had sex yet. She said that side effects were depression, and she didn't feel that bad so I let it go. Last weekend, when I went to visit her, she wasn't herself. She was still very loving, still making the same promise and making me do that same, but she clearly wasn't as cheerful and playful as she usually is.


She is a very shy, innocent, sweet person, who tends to make decisions with her heart. She is the type of person who can get really hurt if she meets the wrong person, and I still care for her and want to protect her. I am still wondering what made her change her mind so fast. Another thing is she talked to her parents for the first time in a while the night after I left, and that might be part of her decision.


I still very much love her and I would definitely give her another chance if she changed her mind. I was thinking of going down and having a heart to heart talk with her to clear things up, because I am still shocked and confused as to what happened. I want to tell her how much she means to me but I am wondering if it will make me seem desperate. I think that talking to her will help me feel better, even if she doesn't want me back, but I don't want her out of my life for sure.


Is it a good idea to try to talk to her like that, or just leave it for a while, or am I really misjudging the situation?


I am really depressed right now, and can't focus on anything. I don't know what to do.
If in a few days' time you still feel the need for a heart-to-heart, I would definitely speak to her. I wouldn't, however, look at it as "trying to get her back" or "hoping to change her mind", but rather an attempt to get to the bottom of things and clear the air, for your own emotional health. You won't seem desperate by wanting to talk to her.


Good luck, and I hope you feel better soon.
 
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robv_la is offline robv_la Post #9  February 3,2009, 1:16pm
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If you took each facet of this story in isolation, you could explain them away.


But all together (the weak breakup excuse, the birth control, acting different, no sex in relationship), those things add up to she's seeing someone else.


And his reaction says he's been way too nice to her. When that happens a woman can get bored and other guys will take advantage of that opportunity. And an innocentwomanin this situation canend up falling for a new exciting guy very quickly.
 
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bravethestorm is offline bravethestorm Post #10  February 3,2009, 1:51pm
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It sounds like you had a long distance relationship where you didn't see each other often. That can play a big part in keeping a relationship alive.


Stress is an added problem and if she was having doubts on your relationship...this would just accelerate them. Also sometimes people just push others away when they are having trouble.


Many people take birth control just because of irregular or painfulperiods regardless if they are having sex. Itmakes period much lighter and easier to deal with but yes it can have emotional side effects as well as health related ones (especially for smokers).


Parents can play a role...did her parents like you? They may have wanted her to focus more on school or just noticed her stressed level.


Since you say that she makes decisions with her heart...I lean toward the idea that she has been thinking about this awhile. I am one that makes the final decision that way also and usually it means a decision is based on a lot of evaluating on feelings. Specifying direct reasons can hurt others so probably why she just used a more general excuse (although I would suspect it is true).


I'm sorry for your pain. I would give her space...as if she decides differently....she would look you up.


Sometimes people really do break up because the differences become too much. It hurts but you just have to hope that whoever makes the decision is doing what is right for you both.
 
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