Loving someone you know is wrong for you...


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jdjackson is offline jdjackson Post #1  January 31,2009, 9:25pm
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What do you do when you're in love with someone, but you're not in a relationship with them and you know that entering into one would be a huge, terrible mistake? Worse of all, what do you do when they're a very close friend?


I have a woman that I've fallen for rather hard. The problem is that I need someone that's emotionally available in a relationship. This woman is one of the most emotionally closed off individuals I've ever met. Seriously. She'll disappear from contact for a month at a time from all of her friends because she doesn't want to be around people. I'm probably the closest to her, and even then I only get hints and vagueness about her feelings. There's never anything concrete, and I need concrete. I need affection and openness in a relationship to feel comfortable and valued. I know I won't get these things from her, so I don't try to take it any further. But I can't shake it. I can't just ignore the feelings I have for her. I don't know where to put them or how to focus them, but I know that pining for her and wishing for something more isn't healthy. And while I'm generally the kind of friend that likes to try to fly in and solve everyone's problems, I know that I can't do that. Especially with her. She's stated, repeatedly, that she doesn't like being close to people and would rather face her issues alone.


Do I tell her how I feel and see how she reacts? What if she not only shuts that down, but shuts me out as a result of it because now I've made things weird? If I did tell her how I felt, is saying something along the lines of, "I'm in love with you, but I know we'd be awful in a relationship" endearing or offending?


Thanks for any help/guidance on this.
 
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singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #2  January 31,2009, 9:33pm
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I'd proceed with a great deal of caution if you want to maintain the friendship. I lost one of my best friends when we tried to turn it into a romantic relationship.
 
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bravethestorm is offline bravethestorm Post #3  January 31,2009, 9:40pm
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You've said this person is a close friend but very closed to you. That by definition is very odd among close friends as it should be her most open relationship.


I think you answered your own question that pursuing this will be bad for you. In advance you know she won't be able to give you the type of relationship that you seek since you don't even have that as friends.


Odds are you know her well enough to be right on her personality but if you wanted to risk the friendship it might be easier to get over her if she didn't want the relationship. However, there is a chance she would and it sounds like that would set you both up for heartache.


I think your best option would be taking a break from your friend. If you really want to at least have a friendship I wouldn't bring up how you feel especially on her being closed. Once you've had some time to think, you can better decide if you want to stay friends or move on.
 
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jdjackson is offline jdjackson Post #4  January 31,2009, 9:41pm
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singinggirl,464161 wrote :

I'd proceed with a great deal of caution if you want to maintain the friendship. I lost one of my best friends when we tried to turn it into a romantic relationship.
Thanks! I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. I'm trying to avoid that very same thing here. I don't think she'd even entertain the idea of getting into any sort of relationship right now. I'm just wondering if telling her how I feel will completely alter the friendship and put a lot of tension there that doesn't need to be. I don't want it there
 
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jdjackson is offline jdjackson Post #5  January 31,2009, 9:45pm
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bravethestorm,464174 wrote :

You've said this person is a close friend but very closed to you. That by definition is very odd among close friends as it should be her most open relationship.


I think you answered your own question that pursuing this will be bad for you. In advance you know she won't be able to give you the type of relationship that you seek since you don't even have that as friends.


Odds are you know her well enough to be right on her personality but if you wanted to risk the friendship it might be easier to get over her if she didn't want the relationship. However, there is a chance she would and it sounds like that would set you both up for heartache.


I think your best option would be taking a break from your friend. If you really want to at least have a friendship I wouldn't bring up how you feel especially on her being closed. Once you've had some time to think, you can better decide if you want to stay friends or move on.

Thank you as well.


It's really just her personality. She's, in general, a very closed off person. None of her friends, even her closer ones, really get very deep into her feelings. She just doesn't allow it. It's something that I've just kind of come to accept about her. The sky is blue, water's wet, this friend doesn't talk about her feelings.


You're right, though. There's the possibility that she'd actually be keen to a relationship to me, and I'm pretty sure I know exactly how that would go and end. I just have no idea how to get this out of my head and move on past it. Part of me feels like telling her and having her reject the idea would make it easier to get past. Part of me feels like if she knew that someone loved her... REALLY loved her... that it would help her overall mental state. And then the rest of me wonders if it would make her feel weird and completely sever ties with me. She's been a friend for a long time. Even as closed off as she is, I don't want to lose her. Maybe I just need to keep her more at arm's length.
 
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DearSomeone is offline DearSomeone Post #6  February 1,2009, 8:41am
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jdjackson,464175 wrote :

a
singinggirl,464161 wrote :


I'd proceed with a great deal of caution if you want to maintain the friendship. I lost one of my best friends when we tried to turn it into a romantic relationship.


Thanks! I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. I'm trying to avoid that very same thing here. I don't think she'd even entertain the idea of getting into any sort of relationship right now. I'm just wondering if telling her how I feel will completely alter the friendship and put a lot of tension there that doesn't need to be. I don't want it there
I'm so sorry to hear about your predicament,,,but please excuse mefor beingcandid... but you're post says it all....YOU KNOW IS WRONG FOR YOU. And yes ,if you tell her now you'll put a whole lotta tension in your friendship and perhaps even alterthe relationship. My friend, listen to your instinct, don't do it,itisselfdistruction!


 
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noseyparker is offline noseyparker Post #7  February 1,2009, 9:00am
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This love which you feel could be the result of the 'other' head dominating the one between your ears. It's really up to you to decide which one will govern your actions. You know the facts... you choose...
 
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rlw2009 is offline rlw2009 Post #8  February 1,2009, 9:53am
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Well at least she isn't married.
 
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gr8guy is offline gr8guy Post #9  February 1,2009, 10:15am
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I'd look elsewhere. I don't know her but she seems to be not the kind of person to become romantically involved with.
 
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EMTZ is offline EMTZ Post #10  February 1,2009, 10:33am
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Can you elaborate why you love this woman?
 
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