someramblingguy is offline someramblingguy Post #1  January 31,2009, 9:41am
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is wondering what to do.

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We started as great friends, and it was clear to both of us and everyone around us that we were attracted to each other for months. For a while just before we started dating, one of our mutual friends was in the habit of grabbing me and physically placing us together. I guess she was irritated by the slow pace we were taking, and I still crack up when I think about that.

Anyway, the woman in question came off a horribly bad breakup almost a year ago, so she freaked out a few weeks into the relationship because she doesn't feel that she's recovered enough to handle emotional intimacy and the vulnerability that comes along with it.

I had suspected that this might happen, so we were taking it very slow. Just some cuddling and a couple of kisses. Apparently even that was too fast, and now she wants to try to take a step back to being friends again. I can understand, because I've been burned pretty badly in the past as well, and it's definitely not fun.

On top of that, we work together. At least our jobs don't actually intersect. We just share a workspace, but it's still difficult when things aren't going well between us.

At this point I'd normally be all for dropping the relationship amicably, but this is one I can't seem to let go.

So now I'm sitting here wondering what I should do. On the one hand, I truly care about her as a friend, and I don't want to cause her any more distress. On the other hand, it pains me to see such a wonderful and vivacious person afraid of one of the deepest kinds of happiness in life, and I don't think that kind of prolonged emotional withdrawal is healthy. I'd been in a similar situation emotionally when I met her, though for different reasons, and as a friend she managed to remind me that the joys that can come from opening your heart to someone else are worth the risk, even if things don't work out in the end.

When I'm around her now, I can tell that she's on her guard. I think she's afraid of the feelings between us, which pains me because, if things simply continue the way they have, I think she will probably build an emotional wall between us to protect herself.

I'm not sure what to do. If it just ended now I'd look back on it as a great experience, but I just can't shake this nagging feeling that if I walk away from this woman I'll be making the biggest mistake of my life. I'm rather confused about this, because it's not like we were dating for months or years, just weeks.

For this woman I'd be willing to wait, but I think she might feel pressured if I do.

Help?
 
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sweetT is offline sweetT Post #2  January 31,2009, 1:59pm
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Not a good idea to start a relationship with a co-worker.


She's already told you she's not ready to start anything. I'd take that as a sign that she's just not feeling it for you. If you still care about her, even with out the intimacy then why dont you continue being her friend. That's probably the only choice you have right now.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #3  January 31,2009, 3:14pm
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thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

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In my experience, whensomeone says, "I'm not ready for a relationship" ...it usually means "I'm not ready for a relationship with you".


Sorry, man, but it happens.
 
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Tiki44 is offline Tiki44 Post #4  January 31,2009, 3:38pm
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someramblingguy, wrote :

We started as great friends, and it was clear to both of us and everyone around us that we were attracted to each other for months. For a while just before we started dating, one of our mutual friends was in the habit of grabbing me and physically placing us together. I guess she was irritated by the slow pace we were taking, and I still crack up when I think about that.

Anyway, the woman in question came off a horribly bad breakup almost a year ago, so she freaked out a few weeks into the relationship because she doesn't feel that she's recovered enough to handle emotional intimacy and the vulnerability that comes along with it.

I had suspected that this might happen, so we were taking it very slow. Just some cuddling and a couple of kisses. Apparently even that was too fast, and now she wants to try to take a step back to being friends again. I can understand, because I've been burned pretty badly in the past as well, and it's definitely not fun.

On top of that, we work together. At least our jobs don't actually intersect. We just share a workspace, but it's still difficult when things aren't going well between us.

At this point I'd normally be all for dropping the relationship amicably, but this is one I can't seem to let go.

So now I'm sitting here wondering what I should do. On the one hand, I truly care about her as a friend, and I don't want to cause her any more distress. On the other hand, it pains me to see such a wonderful and vivacious person afraid of one of the deepest kinds of happiness in life, and I don't think that kind of prolonged emotional withdrawal is healthy. I'd been in a similar situation emotionally when I met her, though for different reasons, and as a friend she managed to remind me that the joys that can come from opening your heart to someone else are worth the risk, even if things don't work out in the end.

When I'm around her now, I can tell that she's on her guard. I think she's afraid of the feelings between us, which pains me because, if things simply continue the way they have, I think she will probably build an emotional wall between us to protect herself.

I'm not sure what to do. If it just ended now I'd look back on it as a great experience, but I just can't shake this nagging feeling that if I walk away from this woman I'll be making the biggest mistake of my life. I'm rather confused about this, because it's not like we were dating for months or years, just weeks.

For this woman I'd be willing to wait, but I think she might feel pressured if I do.

Help?
Dating a co-worker, especially one you share "space" with is not a good idea. I have been there and its a time in my lifeI definately would not repeat. It's probably uncomfortable for her because she knows how you feel and either she isn't ready for that type of relationship or she just isn't in to you and doesn't know how to tell you without it impacting the work relationship/friendship. She probably does like you as a friend and if she tries to have more with you and it goes bad, the friendship is over. No matter how you look at it, you have made the work environment uncomfortable for her.
 
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gr8guy is offline gr8guy Post #5  January 31,2009, 7:44pm
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Tiki44,463641 wrote :

someramblingguy, wrote :


We started as great friends, and it was clear to both of us and everyone around us that we were attracted to each other for months. For a while just before we started dating, one of our mutual friends was in the habit of grabbing me and physically placing us together. I guess she was irritated by the slow pace we were taking, and I still crack up when I think about that.

Anyway, the woman in question came off a horribly bad breakup almost a year ago, so she freaked out a few weeks into the relationship because she doesn't feel that she's recovered enough to handle emotional intimacy and the vulnerability that comes along with it.

I had suspected that this might happen, so we were taking it very slow. Just some cuddling and a couple of kisses. Apparently even that was too fast, and now she wants to try to take a step back to being friends again. I can understand, because I've been burned pretty badly in the past as well, and it's definitely not fun.

On top of that, we work together. At least our jobs don't actually intersect. We just share a workspace, but it's still difficult when things aren't going well between us.

At this point I'd normally be all for dropping the relationship amicably, but this is one I can't seem to let go.

So now I'm sitting here wondering what I should do. On the one hand, I truly care about her as a friend, and I don't want to cause her any more distress. On the other hand, it pains me to see such a wonderful and vivacious person afraid of one of the deepest kinds of happiness in life, and I don't think that kind of prolonged emotional withdrawal is healthy. I'd been in a similar situation emotionally when I met her, though for different reasons, and as a friend she managed to remind me that the joys that can come from opening your heart to someone else are worth the risk, even if things don't work out in the end.

When I'm around her now, I can tell that she's on her guard. I think she's afraid of the feelings between us, which pains me because, if things simply continue the way they have, I think she will probably build an emotional wall between us to protect herself.

I'm not sure what to do. If it just ended now I'd look back on it as a great experience, but I just can't shake this nagging feeling that if I walk away from this woman I'll be making the biggest mistake of my life. I'm rather confused about this, because it's not like we were dating for months or years, just weeks.

For this woman I'd be willing to wait, but I think she might feel pressured if I do.

Help?


Dating a co-worker, especially one you share "space" with is not a good idea. I have been there and its a time in my lifeI definately would not repeat. It's probably uncomfortable for her because she knows how you feel and either she isn't ready for that type of relationship or she just isn't in to you and doesn't know how to tell you without it impacting the work relationship/friendship. She probably does like you as a friend and if she tries to have more with you and it goes bad, the friendship is over. No matter how you look at it, you have made the work environment uncomfortable for her.
I think the mutual friends who placed the two of them together made the work environment uncomfortable.


What he could do is talk to her about the situation, appologize if he made her feel uncomfortable, and listen to what she has to say.
 
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singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #6  January 31,2009, 8:40pm
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I say back off and give her some time. She may really not be ready for a relationship yet. That timeline is different for everyone; it took me years to be ready to date again.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #7  January 31,2009, 10:00pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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someramblingguy, wrote :

At this point I'd normally be all for dropping the relationship amicably
Well, there's your answer.
 
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someramblingguy is offline someramblingguy Post #8  January 31,2009, 11:14pm
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is wondering what to do.

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Thanks everyone for the advice. I've been thinking about it all day, and I've realized that in the bottom line is that I want her to be happy more than I want her to be my girlfriend.


I guess I'd just hoped that I would be part of what would make her happy, but that's not something that is really up to me, no matter what my own feelings are.


I'm still not entirely sure what I'm going to do about it, but at least I know exactly what I want. I guess that's a start.
 
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Songryder is offline Songryder Post #9  February 1,2009, 2:02am
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someramblingguy, wrote :

We started as great friends, and it was clear to both of us and everyone around us that we were attracted to each other for months. For a while just before we started dating, one of our mutual friends was in the habit of grabbing me and physically placing us together. I guess she was irritated by the slow pace we were taking, and I still crack up when I think about that.

Anyway, the woman in question came off a horribly bad breakup almost a year ago, so she freaked out a few weeks into the relationship because she doesn't feel that she's recovered enough to handle emotional intimacy and the vulnerability that comes along with it.

I had suspected that this might happen, so we were taking it very slow. Just some cuddling and a couple of kisses. Apparently even that was too fast, and now she wants to try to take a step back to being friends again. I can understand, because I've been burned pretty badly in the past as well, and it's definitely not fun.

On top of that, we work together. At least our jobs don't actually intersect. We just share a workspace, but it's still difficult when things aren't going well between us.

At this point I'd normally be all for dropping the relationship amicably, but this is one I can't seem to let go.

So now I'm sitting here wondering what I should do. On the one hand, I truly care about her as a friend, and I don't want to cause her any more distress. On the other hand, it pains me to see such a wonderful and vivacious person afraid of one of the deepest kinds of happiness in life, and I don't think that kind of prolonged emotional withdrawal is healthy. I'd been in a similar situation emotionally when I met her, though for different reasons, and as a friend she managed to remind me that the joys that can come from opening your heart to someone else are worth the risk, even if things don't work out in the end.

When I'm around her now, I can tell that she's on her guard. I think she's afraid of the feelings between us, which pains me because, if things simply continue the way they have, I think she will probably build an emotional wall between us to protect herself.

I'm not sure what to do. If it just ended now I'd look back on it as a great experience, but I just can't shake this nagging feeling that if I walk away from this woman I'll be making the biggest mistake of my life. I'm rather confused about this, because it's not like we were dating for months or years, just weeks.

For this woman I'd be willing to wait, but I think she might feel pressured if I do.

Help?
You don't want to become a revolving door for her either, but if you care about her that much, I'd suggest letting her take the lead on this one. Trust needs to be built here and since you already accurately sensed she'd be a flight risk, then you need to decide if you want to go through this process of her coming toward you and stepping back. The real proof that it's improving is if she spends more time with you each time she comes back.


So, give her the space she needs, be her friend and when she's ready for more, she'll let you know. Give it another month or so and see what happens.
 
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itsbits is offline itsbits Post #10  February 1,2009, 6:06am
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jayjay,464349 wrote :

someramblingguy, wrote :


At this point I'd normally be all for dropping the relationship amicably


Well, there's your answer.
I second the motion.
 
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