When is too much too much?


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NiLa is offline NiLa Post #1  January 31,2009, 2:45am
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Hi! M and I met on eHarmony about 7 months ago and we've been trying the LDR thing.


As we've progressed in getting to know each other, I'm becoming more and more aware that this guy is totally different from me. We can't even joke around without breaking into a huge fight, much less carry on a decent conversation. I've been incredibly patient with him b/c he's been burned pretty badly in previous r/ships and carries a constant "I'm the victim" mindset. In being this way, everything is about him. I've been patiently waiting on the sidelines for when he'll turn his attention my way and start giving himself to me.


However, I just do not think that's ever going to happen. At this stage, he's hardly opened up to me about himself at all. He says, "I love/want/need you" but his actions state otherwise. He said my 3 week stay with him during the holidays was, "...a tease..." (still trying to figure that one out!). He's very distant and says that he's "...in pain..." and that, "If he keeps me at arm's length, it hurts less" (not sure what this means, either).


Can anyone please advise? I'd appreciate it.


NiLa
 
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StAugustineBeachBum is offline StAugustineBeachBum Post #2  January 31,2009, 3:02am
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Drop this guy like a hot potato. He will never appreciate or love you because he is unhappy with himself. He wants YOU to fill in those empty spaces in his heart. This may sound like a cliche but it is true: you cant love another unless you love yourself. When I write "love yourself" I dont mean an exaggerated sense of self-worth (bragging, thinking you are "God's gift to women", etc.). What I mean is: you have to know what your strengths and weaknesses are and be comfortable with who you are. Best of luck to you. This guy is a disaster.
 
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rarara is offline rarara Post #3  January 31,2009, 4:42am
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NiLa, wrote :

Hi! M and I met on eHarmony about 7 months ago and we've been trying the LDR thing.


As we've progressed in getting to know each other, I'm becoming more and more aware that this guy is totally different from me. We can't even joke around without breaking into a huge fight, much less carry on a decent conversation. I've been incredibly patient with him b/c he's been burned pretty badly in previous r/ships and carries a constant "I'm the victim" mindset. In being this way, everything is about him. I've been patiently waiting on the sidelines for when he'll turn his attention my way and start giving himself to me.


However, I just do not think that's ever going to happen. At this stage, he's hardly opened up to me about himself at all. He says, "I love/want/need you" but his actions state otherwise. He said my 3 week stay with him during the holidays was, "...a tease..." (still trying to figure that one out!). He's very distant and says that he's "...in pain..." and that, "If he keeps me at arm's length, it hurts less" (not sure what this means, either).


Can anyone please advise? I'd appreciate it.


NiLa
I dated a guy like this once. He is never going to change. Run away from him as fast as you can. I mean who hasn't been hurt in relationships? What I've noticed is the guys who say they've been super hurt in the past are always the ones that will end up hurting you the most. RUN AWAY!!!
 
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Shelby is offline Shelby Post #4  January 31,2009, 6:22am
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And this relationship -- what's in it for you? Looks like a lot of inconvenience and angst, to me.


Be careful that you don't fall for the old "I'll tell her how other women left me and were jerks so she will stay to prove to me she's not like the other women" trick. Maybe all those other women left because they got tired of the same routine he's doing with you.
 
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argytunes is offline argytunes Post #5  January 31,2009, 6:41am
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What's the point of continuing a friendship...let alone a relationship...if you already know it will end in heartbreak?


There are better men out there. Shouldn't you be putting your concentration on one or more of them instead of wasting your time with a GRUMPY SOURPUSS?


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musicchick is offline musicchick Post #6  January 31,2009, 7:04am
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Oh, yeah, this guy is trouble. Don't fall in love with a victim, because eventually you will, in his mind, victimize him and you will be added to the long list of people he despises. He is a troubled man. I know, I know, women want to be caretakers and kiss it and make it better. But that's for children, not a grown man. He wants someone else to deal with his problems so he doesn't have to, and someone to blame if it doesn't turn out the way he wants.


I happen to be a Christian so I believe that God used someone who cared about me to jerk a knot in my tail, and I swallowed my pride, took responsibility for the way I acted, and got help. Life is now 180 degrees from what it used to be for me.


Am I responsible for what happened to me? No. But I no longer hate the people who have hurt me. We are really all in the same boat. Forgiving them frees me. Until this man realizes that and gets help, he is going to be trouble.
 
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sweetT is offline sweetT Post #7  January 31,2009, 10:16am
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He's pretty much given you a glimpse of what your life would be with him... Keeping you at arm distance, you waiting on the sidelines, everythings about him. Could you really live your life with someone like this?


Never enter a relationship hoping the person will change, cuz in most if not all. They WONT change!!


These are your red flags, put them to good use and get out!!
 
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happyone222 is offline happyone222 Post #8  January 31,2009, 10:19am
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My best advise- There are worse things than being alone and one is being in a bad relationship. This sounds like a very bad relationship.
 
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treatmesweetly is offline treatmesweetly Post #9  January 31,2009, 1:23pm
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NiLa, wrote :

Hi! M and I met on eHarmony about 7 months ago and we've been trying the LDR thing.


As we've progressed in getting to know each other, I'm becoming more and more aware that this guy is totally different from me. We can't even joke around without breaking into a huge fight, much less carry on a decent conversation. I've been incredibly patient with him b/c he's been burned pretty badly in previous r/ships and carries a constant "I'm the victim" mindset. In being this way, everything is about him. I've been patiently waiting on the sidelines for when he'll turn his attention my way and start giving himself to me.


However, I just do not think that's ever going to happen. At this stage, he's hardly opened up to me about himself at all. He says, "I love/want/need you" but his actions state otherwise. He said my 3 week stay with him during the holidays was, "...a tease..." (still trying to figure that one out!). He's very distant and says that he's "...in pain..." and that, "If he keeps me at arm's length, it hurts less" (not sure what this means, either).


Can anyone please advise? I'd appreciate it.
My advice... Change your Can't Stands to include "Victim Mentality" and close this match. Good luck with emotionally healthy men!
 
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lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope Post #10  January 31,2009, 5:43pm
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If it'd been less than a year that he was out of a serious relationship, then he needs more time. You could take a break but stay in touch until he gets it together. He's not showing you (by his actions, which is the most important thing) that he's ready to have a significant other right now.


On the other hand, if he had been on his own (officially) more than a year prior to meeting you, then he has too much baggage, and I think you should find someone of your caliber instead. Good luck!
 
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