Engaged, but really confused


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izzy12 is offline izzy12 Post #1  January 28,2009, 12:07pm
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I've been engaged now to an apparently lovely guy since last spring. We have been together 6 years. I have a daughter from a previos relationship who is 6 and I know that my fiance and daughter adore eachother. I am so confused and don't know what to do. The problem is that since he asked me to marry him he has seemed quite oftern, very reluctant to talk about anything to do with the wedding. We have had a few arguments over this issue, as I can't understand his reluctance. I don't think that I am applying too much pressure. All I want to do is to Plan our wedding at this stage as it wont happen itself...The problem is, that while I have been saving hard for our wedding, my fiance is busy not saving anything and has been off on a long-haul holiday (admittedly through work). He only arrived back last week but has already taken off again for a couple of nights away (again with work). I was really annoyed by this due to the fact he never has taken me away, just the two of us as a couple, in the 6 years we have been together. I have raised this issue and he said he thinks that he should do more for me and he should do nice things for me like take me away occasionallybut I never see anything change.


He says he wants to get married at the end of this year but I just don't know what to think. Also since he has come back from holiday, I have noticed a change in the way he is making love to me, which seems slightly out of character. Do I jump to the conclusion that he has been with someone else or what should I think. Perhaps I am being paranoid. Maybe being on the outside and looking in, someone out there will have a clearer picture than I do and can offer advice.


Now I don't know what to do - whether to bother even thinking of marriage at all or how to overcome this problem. I'd really appreciate your comments
 
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kat5560 is offline kat5560 Post #2  January 28,2009, 12:41pm
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i can only take avaque quess because it sounds simalar to my situation. since it took you six years to get engaged to begin with, maybe, just maybe he is very commitment shy. he may have finally engaged you and then got scared and having some dout again.
 
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BGood is offline BGood Post #3  January 28,2009, 1:21pm
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Try not to panic, but it sounds like he may be having an affair. You are not being paranoid. You have very good instincts. Some of the tell tale signs are there. The time spent away from you, the change in love making habits, his reluctance to talk about or plan your wedding. You need to know one way or the other before you marry him. I hope things work out well for you.
 
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Songryder is offline Songryder Post #4  January 28,2009, 3:17pm
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izzy12, wrote :

I've been engaged now to an apparently lovely guy since last spring. We have been together 6 years. I have a daughter from a previos relationship who is 6 and I know that my fiance and daughter adore eachother. I am so confused and don't know what to do. The problem is that since he asked me to marry him he has seemed quite oftern, very reluctant to talk about anything to do with the wedding. We have had a few arguments over this issue, as I can't understand his reluctance. I don't think that I am applying too much pressure. All I want to do is to Plan our wedding at this stage as it wont happen itself...The problem is, that while I have been saving hard for our wedding, my fiance is busy not saving anything and has been off on a long-haul holiday (admittedly through work). He only arrived back last week but has already taken off again for a couple of nights away (again with work). I was really annoyed by this due to the fact he never has taken me away, just the two of us as a couple, in the 6 years we have been together. I have raised this issue and he said he thinks that he should do more for me and he should do nice things for me like take me away occasionallybut I never see anything change.


He says he wants to get married at the end of this year but I just don't know what to think. Also since he has come back from holiday, I have noticed a change in the way he is making love to me, which seems slightly out of character. Do I jump to the conclusion that he has been with someone else or what should I think. Perhaps I am being paranoid. Maybe being on the outside and looking in, someone out there will have a clearer picture than I do and can offer advice.


Now I don't know what to do - whether to bother even thinking of marriage at all or how to overcome this problem. I'd really appreciate your comments
So he's taken a back seat with something this important. . . not just a back seat, he's more likely open the trunk and crawled in and shut it behind him making sure theres' a straw he can breathe through.


Wedding jitters are normal and some men will just want to sit back and let their fiance's take the lead, but he's not even saving for this. He's avoiding it like it's some sort of alternate universe he doesn't want to be in.


He seems to disappear a lot in his work as well. He could be terrified of getting married, but you need to really take the reigns here and sit him down and have a talk with him . . . a very straightforward one with clear cut questions that need clear cut answers. This can be worked out, but he needs participate because even if it's not a problem for him it is for you and as a couple, there needs to be team work if there's a problem. You want to see him step up tothe plate and at least be enthusiastic about the plans you're making and contributing financially even if he doesn't want to participate fully.


I'd trust your gut feelings about this and what's driving you the most crazy is doubting yourself about his behavior. Press him for answers you need because you're about to spend your life with someone whose lying by his silence.
 
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NewOlivia is offline NewOlivia Post #5  January 28,2009, 4:19pm
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Follow your instincts.. DO NOT DENY THEM.. seriously go with you gut feeling... have him investigated... life is too precious to waste on a cheater (if he is one).
 
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FruitaBu is offline FruitaBu Post #6  January 28,2009, 4:31pm
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What type of work is he in? Is it typical for him to travel frequently?
 
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dm1 is offline dm1 Post #7  January 28,2009, 4:44pm
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I would not try to guess your situation, but I can tell you that I had a very bad experience on the other side of the fence. Some of it you will not like, but I will tell you exactly what happened.


Right after the engagement (which nobody forced me into) I did not have any second thoughts. In my mind the engagement meant a very serious intent to get married, not necessarily in a mad rush. I also wanted to move in together first to make sure we can handle it (we were young). I was also busy at the time looking for a place to live, buying furniture, buying a car and also at work.


Much to my surprise I was put under intense pressure by her and her family to start immediately planning for the wedding. To be perfectly honest (and I made no secret about it) I was not very excited about spending 5-figures in a day with a lot of people I probably have not seen before and will never see again. However, she wanted it badly, so it was agreed that it will happen, but not necessarily right away.


However, when the pressure was applied, I naturally resisted it. When the situation began to overstep the boundaries of a normal relationship, I started to have the second thoughts. We never recovered from this and, to tell you the truth, I am happy it happened before we got married.


I don't know if your fiance has second thoughts or is cheating on you, but in most cases men don't look at marriage the same way as women. Typically, we don't need a show to anounce to the world that we are now in a permanent relationship. We may not be interested as much in planning it and we may not like to be pressured into anything.


I would confront him, but you have to be ready to settle for some compromise, such as you will plan most of it or it may happen at a later date or it should be much smaller and so on. In the worst case, he will tell you that he changed his mind, temporary or permanently, and you would have to decide where you want to go from there. If he did change his mind, then whether he is cheating or not may be irrelevant and I would not even bring it up.
 
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trailviews is offline trailviews Post #8  January 28,2009, 4:52pm
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NewOlivia,458521 wrote :

Follow your instincts.. DO NOT DENY THEM.. seriously go with you gut feeling... have him investigated... life is too precious to waste on a cheater (if he is one).*
Good grief! If you feel the need to do something that stupid ("have him investigated"), save your money/time and end the engagement.


Is there some reason why you haven't been able to communicate with him about exactly the things you have posted here?
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #9  January 28,2009, 4:54pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Nothing is certain....but the parts you related about how he made love to you changing, in combination with his extended vacation/work trips sounds pretty scary, as in he may be having an affair. The thing is, if you just ask him about this he'd deny it anyway if he was having one, so I don't really know what to tell you regarding that.


Regarding actually getting married. If he has said you'd be getting married at the end of this year you'd likely need to start making concrete plans, reservations etc. pretty soon. So, if he plans on being good to his word on this he'll have to commit to a date shortly. However, I suggest you get these other issues of the changes that have taken place in him, as well as the ways he won't change (taking you out of town) before you go through with the wedding.
 
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missthang is offline missthang Post #10  February 1,2009, 3:59pm
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sounds like he has one leg in one relationship and one in the other. He is learning new sexual techniques from the other it appears. You may get a disease wthout protection. That is my impression...he is a big loser.
 
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