confused, in love and getting mixed messages..


Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
thatnygirl is offline thatnygirl Post #1  January 26,2009, 12:28pm
thatnygirl's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Mar 2008

Posts: 27

See profile



Help!


I met my b/f last year on eharmony... they nailed us to a t compatibility wise... i mean the guy grew up 1/2 hour away from me back home even though we both live 400 miles from there now.


Things were great... absolutely no complaints.. i fell hard, soon... He all the while is dropping statements like "if you and I were to get married etcc"... so obviously i'm thinking ok.. he's thinking like i am. we're monogamous, seeing each other about 1x a week for a weekend or an overnight during the week (we live an hour and a half away)


In Dec he sits me down for a talk... basically tells me that he's not sure that he ever wants kids or is ready for marriage... But that he knows i'm it and that he could see us together forever. that he knows that he'll never find someone better than me. I'm like ok... but we've only been together for 8 months and i could've waited for this talk for another 6 months when i felt a little more sure of where things were at and how well i knew him.


Since that conversation.. "IT" as i refer to it has become a centerpoint of our conversations.. I attempted to tell him that i love him this weekend but felt opposition from him so i resisted. the "it" came up again this past weekend .. then hesees that i am a bit upset about things.. he says baby this is just how i feel now, please forget what i said.. he again said today that he could stay with me forever, but he feels like hes freaking out and still figuring himself out. I said to him "so are you breaking up with me?" his answer was - absolutely not. he said i just think that you are the sweetest nicest woman and i dont want to hurt your feelings.


Marriage is important to me but not something I need today... i want it in my future and with this man. Im indifferent about kids.. not a deciding factor. I am an independent woman with my own friends, job, house etc. I treat him like gold, with respect, space etc.. I dont give him crap about seeing his friends etc.. im 34, he's 33... i've been married once before about 9 years ago.


i am willing to ride this out because i know this man loves me but is scared out of his head.. anyone think im wrong?
 
  Reply With Quote
thatnygirl is offline thatnygirl Post #2  January 27,2009, 5:07am
thatnygirl's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Mar 2008

Posts: 27

See profile



??
 
  Reply With Quote
BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #3  January 27,2009, 5:29am
BikerBeagle's Avatar

thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

Virtuoso

Joined: Aug 2008

Kansas

Posts: 2,548

See profile



He's telling you he is unsure about his future with you, probably doesn't even see it anymore. Once someone gets to this point where this is voiced, they usually have one foot out the door already. He's just trying to find a way to do it without hurting your feelings more than is absolutely necessary.
 
  Reply With Quote
itsbits is offline itsbits Post #4  January 27,2009, 6:43am
itsbits's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Jan 2009

Midwest

Posts: 209

See profile



I agree with BikerBeagle...one foot out the door, but wants to hang onto his saftey net. I'd gamble here and ask him to take 30 days to figure out what he wants. Big gamble, but if he takes off, then he was going to anyway. If he takes the month (and no communication not even in his or your weak times), and comes back, he's yours. Guess what? It's going to hurt either way. If you hang onto him until the "hanging" becomes so painful that you end it (with no hope of turning it around after that point), or the pain of letting go and letting it "be what it is". This is the road I take and it works everytime. He'll either get his crap together and hang onto a great woman, or he won't. It hurts either way. It hurts either way.
 
  Reply With Quote
metamucilmuffin is offline metamucilmuffin Post #5  January 27,2009, 7:24am
metamucilmuff…'s Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Oct 2008

Toronto

Posts: 143

See profile



I think I agree with you. He sounds like he's a classic commitment-phobe who is used to breaking off relationships with terrific women as soon as he gets scared. This might not have mattered to him so much with his past relationships, but he's probably invested more with you than the others. His romantic history would shed more light on this.


It does sound as if he is at least considering breaking things off. BikerBeagle's explanation could be right. But it also sounds as if you might have your own intimacy issues. You haven't said "I love you" in 8 months and were prepared to keep the status quo for another 6 months. He might be reacting to whatever you're projecting, too.
 
  Reply With Quote
thatnygirl is offline thatnygirl Post #6  January 27,2009, 8:05am
thatnygirl's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Mar 2008

Posts: 27

See profile



he told me in november that he was falling in love with me... My history in past relationships has involved me saying I love you too early and with him i felt it around november...
 
  Reply With Quote
robv_la is offline robv_la Post #7  January 27,2009, 12:04pm
robv_la's Avatar

Looking forward to another snow season

Veteran

Joined: Aug 2008

Long Beach, CA

Posts: 1,333

See profile



He's afraid of commitment, but this can be addressed if you are both willing to work on it, like in couples' therapy. The keys though are (#1) if it's something he even recognizes as a problem and (#2) it's something he's willing to work on.


Nothing worthwhile comes easy, sometimes even a great relationship needs help from outside.
 
  Reply With Quote
Songryder is offline Songryder Post #8  January 27,2009, 2:35pm
Songryder's Avatar

A smile is worth singing for!

Virtuoso

Joined: Jun 2008

California

Posts: 2,501

See profile

thatnygirl, wrote :

Help!


I met my b/f last year on eharmony... they nailed us to a t compatibility wise... i mean the guy grew up 1/2 hour away from me back home even though we both live 400 miles from there now.


Things were great... absolutely no complaints.. i fell hard, soon... He all the while is dropping statements like "if you and I were to get married etcc"... so obviously i'm thinking ok.. he's thinking like i am. we're monogamous, seeing each other about 1x a week for a weekend or an overnight during the week (we live an hour and a half away)


In Dec he sits me down for a talk... basically tells me that he's not sure that he ever wants kids or is ready for marriage... But that he knows i'm it and that he could see us together forever. that he knows that he'll never find someone better than me. I'm like ok... but we've only been together for 8 months and i could've waited for this talk for another 6 months when i felt a little more sure of where things were at and how well i knew him.


Since that conversation.. "IT" as i refer to it has become a centerpoint of our conversations.. I attempted to tell him that i love him this weekend but felt opposition from him so i resisted. the "it" came up again this past weekend .. then hesees that i am a bit upset about things.. he says baby this is just how i feel now, please forget what i said.. he again said today that he could stay with me forever, but he feels like hes freaking out and still figuring himself out. I said to him "so are you breaking up with me?" his answer was - absolutely not. he said i just think that you are the sweetest nicest woman and i dont want to hurt your feelings.


Marriage is important to me but not something I need today... i want it in my future and with this man. Im indifferent about kids.. not a deciding factor. I am an independent woman with my own friends, job, house etc. I treat him like gold, with respect, space etc.. I dont give him crap about seeing his friends etc.. im 34, he's 33... i've been married once before about 9 years ago.


i am willing to ride this out because i know this man loves me but is scared out of his head.. anyone think im wrong?

If you like emotional roller coaster rides, by all means, stay with this guy. He loves the drama of chasing his tail and watching you spin your wheels. Personally, I'd be completely bored with him at this point. He's either in or out . . . he has no concept of what "forever" means or you'd be engaged by now and planning your lives together.


He doesn't want kids, he doesn't want to get married.. . and he hedges his bets by telling you it's just the way he feels "right now". Well, let him feel it . . . without you, unless you want this kind of thing to go on for the next 5 years.
 
  Reply With Quote
zarathustra is offline zarathustra Post #9  January 27,2009, 6:07pm

is happy.

Unregistered

Joined: Jul 2008

Posts: 166

See profile



Yeah, he's trying to dump youthe way George Costanza on Seinfeld oncegot dumped. It's the old"it's not you, it's me" bit.
 
  Reply With Quote
angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #10  January 27,2009, 10:03pm
angelofmerci's Avatar

loves the feel of the wind blowing in his face while riding the curves

Veteran

Joined: Jul 2008

Posts: 1,302

See profile



This is another guy with committment phobia. He likes the situation as it is because he is really free to do anything, anytime with anyone and not have the guilt feelings of breaking the rules. It is time to move on. Good Luck
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« Confused and in love | Relationships | Men / Women who are relationship addicts »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Absolutely not. I have no idea why allowing gays to marry would affect anyone's lives, unless they're sexually insecure about themselves.” –  sun73

Join the “Did our President give up the election for a single issue?” discussion

“I learned that the woman's communication style has to fit mine or else it won't work.” –  sun73

Join the “Why do 40 yr olds still play games?” discussion

“Here's where to email if you think a match might be a fraud: matchconcerns@eharmony.com . Tell them the match's name and location so they can find them. If what's making you suspicious is an email ... ” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Match from another country...is he a "fraud"?” discussion

“I know you clarified you just want a general opinion on when people bring this subject up, but I'm going to give you both that and also what I believe you should do. The general idea most of the ... ” –  Herkemer

Join the “When is it time to discuss your position on having kids?” discussion

“And that's a very valid point. I get the feeling that eHarmony is keeping their price high to show they they are not cheap and therefore, their members are serious.It seems to me that combining the ... ” –  MicMan

Join the “Free Communication Weekend” discussion

“How long have you all been on EH? Thanks for the advice. I signed on in late April 2012 but have been on other dating sites in the past.” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “New Here” discussion

“The only one that bothers me is the "they weren't his kids so meh ..." But there could be a whole world of story behind that. Like "she dumped me and it was painful and I hated losing the kids in ... ” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 11:21am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0