Asking the baby question to a man


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Coolygirl is offline Coolygirl Post #1  January 21,2009, 4:20pm
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I am a 35 year old woman who is dating a man of the same age for the past 5 months. We have a lot in common, laugh like a couple of kids and have grown very close over this small time. He has been previously married and has two boys (7 and 5) to his prior marriage. He is the most well balanced man I’ve met and has worked through his issues of understanding why his marriage broke down. His ex wife is re-married and has a baby to her new husband. My boyfriend has many problems with his ex wife in dealing with the kids and making decisions. It appears that the ex wife is using the kids to get at him and does not speak to him nice at all (which I have witnessed). I am fully supportive of the troubles he has with his ex wife and I can tell my boyfriend is hesitant given what he has been through. I respect that he needs to take this slow and so far all has been travelling along great. We do not live together but spend at least 5 to 6 nights together. My question is when is a right time to ask him if he wants anymore kids? Although I do live in the here and now nonetheless I would like to know if we are on the same page regarding the baby issue as it is not fair on either of us in enriching our relationship if we fundamentally want different things. Should I wait for a few more months? Or if I casually ask him and I receive the “maybe” or “I don’t know” answer is that men language for “no and I don’t want to answer that”. By all means I don’t want to put any pressure on our relationship however I am 36 in a few months and dating in your mid 30s with my biological clock ticking its difficult that this question does pop up into one’s mind. And how do I even ask him?


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eHA_Admin_Lori is offline eHA_Admin_Lori — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  January 22,2009, 2:11pm
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Cooleygirl,


Sorry you have not recieved any responses. I'm bumping this thread to see what wisdom and insight our Community Members can share.


Best regards,


-Lori
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #3  January 22,2009, 2:31pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Yes...you both definitely need to know what the others feelings are regarding having more children. You don't need to bring this up in terms of whether he wants to have children with you....but rather, generally what he feelings regarding this are. If it turns out you both have strong contrary feelings regarding this you definitely need to know this very early on. No need to waste both of your time if that's the case. Good luck.
 
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gr8guy is offline gr8guy Post #4  January 22,2009, 6:04pm
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Coolygirl, wrote :

I am a 35 year old woman who is dating a man of the same age for the past 5 months. We have a lot in common, laugh like a couple of kids and have grown very close over this small time. He has been previously married and has two boys (7 and 5) to his prior marriage. He is the most well balanced man I’ve met and has worked through his issues of understanding why his marriage broke down. His ex wife is re-married and has a baby to her new husband. My boyfriend has many problems with his ex wife in dealing with the kids and making decisions. It appears that the ex wife is using the kids to get at him and does not speak to him nice at all (which I have witnessed). I am fully supportive of the troubles he has with his ex wife and I can tell my boyfriend is hesitant given what he has been through. I respect that he needs to take this slow and so far all has been travelling along great. We do not live together but spend at least 5 to 6 nights together. My question is when is a right time to ask him if he wants anymore kids? Although I do live in the here and now nonetheless I would like to know if we are on the same page regarding the baby issue as it is not fair on either of us in enriching our relationship if we fundamentally want different things. Should I wait for a few more months? Or if I casually ask him and I receive the “maybe” or “I don’t know” answer is that men language for “no and I don’t want to answer that”. By all means I don’t want to put any pressure on our relationship however I am 36 in a few months and dating in your mid 30s with my biological clock ticking its difficult that this question does pop up into one’s mind. And how do I even ask him?


Thank you.

How long has he been divorced? If it has not been that long he may not be receptive to adding another person to the planet.


On the other hand, he needs to deal with the ex-wife and the way that she is behaving.


I would ask him slowly, don't say "let's make a baby!" Instead see how he reacts to infants and newborns - do you have any friends that can stop over with their new addition?
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #5  January 22,2009, 6:30pm
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In my opinion, you should address the issue of wanting another child with you current partner soon. At 35, a woman’s capacity to have a child is already diminished and it will diminish further with each passing year. If he is educated or informed he will know this, and respect your concern.
“[/b]if I casually ask him and I receive the “maybe” or “I don’t know” answer is that men language for “no and I don’t want to answer that”.”[/b]
I do not think so. I think this kind of reply indicates a conditional preference … (“I would have a child if my partner appears capable of handling the demands” … “if my salary affords me this choice without undue hardship”, etc.) I suggest drilling deeper to find his true reasoning.
 
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Songryder is offline Songryder Post #6  January 22,2009, 8:58pm
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Coolygirl, wrote :

I am a 35 year old woman who is dating a man of the same age for the past 5 months. We have a lot in common, laugh like a couple of kids and have grown very close over this small time. He has been previously married and has two boys (7 and 5) to his prior marriage. He is the most well balanced man I’ve met and has worked through his issues of understanding why his marriage broke down. His ex wife is re-married and has a baby to her new husband. My boyfriend has many problems with his ex wife in dealing with the kids and making decisions. It appears that the ex wife is using the kids to get at him and does not speak to him nice at all (which I have witnessed). I am fully supportive of the troubles he has with his ex wife and I can tell my boyfriend is hesitant given what he has been through. I respect that he needs to take this slow and so far all has been travelling along great. We do not live together but spend at least 5 to 6 nights together. My question is when is a right time to ask him if he wants anymore kids? Although I do live in the here and now nonetheless I would like to know if we are on the same page regarding the baby issue as it is not fair on either of us in enriching our relationship if we fundamentally want different things. Should I wait for a few more months? Or if I casually ask him and I receive the “maybe” or “I don’t know” answer is that men language for “no and I don’t want to answer that”. By all means I don’t want to put any pressure on our relationship however I am 36 in a few months and dating in your mid 30s with my biological clock ticking its difficult that this question does pop up into one’s mind. And how do I even ask him?


Thank you.

DO NOT bring this subject up now. If he asks, then you can have that conversation but for you to talk about this in the midst of him trying to gain some balance with his ex and her being so vindictive is no time to say "So, Honey, when are we having kids of our own?" You'll scare the shit out of him.


You've only known each other for 5 months and his ex wife is making his life and the kids' lives miserable with her behavior. I can guarrantee you this is the last subject he wants to discuss right now. If you're still together in a year or so and things have settled down somewhat and you guys start talking about moving in together and what you want out of that then yeah, go ahead, but things are still crazy from his divorce right now.
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #7  January 24,2009, 8:08am
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I am surprised that this topic has not come up already between you two. I would by all means ask him about it asap. If he does not want more children and you dothen you will have to move on. Good Luck.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #8  January 24,2009, 8:39am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Songryder,446623 wrote :

DO NOT bring this subject up now. If he asks, then you can have that conversation but for you to talk about this in the midst of him trying to gain some balance with his ex and her being so vindictive is no time to say "So, Honey, when are we having kids of our own?" You'll scare the shit out of him.


You've only known each other for 5 months and his ex wife is making his life and the kids' lives miserable with her behavior. I can guarrantee you this is the last subject he wants to discuss right now. If you're still together in a year or so and things have settled down somewhat and you guys start talking about moving in together and what you want out of that then yeah, go ahead, but things are still crazy from his divorce right now.
Really? You really think she should wait a year or two, then ask him what he think about having more children? So, what if his answer is "No...I will absolutely never have any more children." If she definitely wants to have children she's just wasted 1+ year, making it all the harder for her to find someone who does want to have children (while she's still able). I'd think she could ask about this issue without it being in a manner of "So when are we having kids of our own?"
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #9  January 24,2009, 8:57am
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For once I disagree with Songryder--I think you can not hope to wait for the situation between your BF and his ex to resolve before addressing this issue that is so crucial to you. I have seen my former brother-in-law endure a toxic relationship with his ex-wife, with her similarly using the kids to get at him for YEARS!!! He did not put his life on hold during that time, and neither should you. In that time, he developed a quite long relationship with someone new that ended after about two years because he was adamant that he did not want any more children (although in this case, I think she knew that early on and was maybe thinking he would change his mind).


Your guy might already have a very clear opinion on this issue and this is the sort of thing that is a definite deal-breaker. Do you want to know now if you should find someone else to try for your family dream, or do you want to wait until you are closer to 40 and you are even more worried about your biological clock?
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #10  January 24,2009, 9:53am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Strange....I'm having posts disappear with no 'modded' message coming up.


I'm surprised at you ladies saying she should wait. Do you really think a 35 year old woman whowants to have childrenshould wait a year or more (as Songryder wrote) with a man to possibly find out if he would ever like to have more children? That's a pretty valuable year in her life that could be 'lost'.
 
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