guys ages 40-50 I need your input please!!


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running404 is offline running404 Post #1  January 21,2009, 7:14am
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Let me give you a bit of background....I have been dating a great man for 4 months. He is divorced and his ex cheated on him causing the end of the marriage....this really hurt him and has caused him to have issues that have hindered his ability to get emotionally close to me. We have discussed this at length, we have built a very solid foundation through communication. We had no physical contact of any type....I was invited for the holidays to meet his family, I have met all of his close friends (the friends who all know his ex). We decided to get away for a weekend....the relationship moved to the next level.I was able to sense that he really pulled back after the weekend. We have talked about it and he says he thought he was ready to move the relationship to the next level but he's fighting old demons...fear, vulnerability and fear of hurting me or being hurt.


He is a wonderful man....worth the risk. Any input??
 
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robv_la is offline robv_la Post #2  January 21,2009, 9:55am
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He's not ready for a relationship yet. Perhaps he needs counseling to work on his trust issues.


It really depends on how much counseling he needs and if you both are willing to stay together while he goes through this process.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #3  January 21,2009, 9:55am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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How long has it been since his relationship with his ex ended? Some people bounce back well from hurts in life.....others can take quite a while to get over them....while still others never do. If it's been more than a couple years since he and his ex split this would seem too long for him to still be acting the way you describe....and this may be something he'll never fully get over. On the other hand, if it's been less than 6-9 months (or even a year) you probably shouldn't be dating him yet anyhow. Good luck.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #4  January 21,2009, 12:05pm
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Pulled him right out the fire, did ya? You are the rebound. This is not going to go well for you. Trust me, I bought a ride on that rollercoaster once.
 
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Songryder is offline Songryder Post #5  January 21,2009, 1:26pm
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running404, wrote :

Let me give you a bit of background....I have been dating a great man for 4 months. He is divorced and his ex cheated on him causing the end of the marriage....this really hurt him and has caused him to have issues that have hindered his ability to get emotionally close to me. We have discussed this at length, we have built a very solid foundation through communication. We had no physical contact of any type....I was invited for the holidays to meet his family, I have met all of his close friends (the friends who all know his ex). We decided to get away for a weekend....the relationship moved to the next level.I was able to sense that he really pulled back after the weekend. We have talked about it and he says he thought he was ready to move the relationship to the next level but he's fighting old demons...fear, vulnerability and fear of hurting me or being hurt.


He is a wonderful man....worth the risk. Any input??
He's got some unresolved issues that are clearly getting in the way of his being fully intimate without reservations but we've all been burned . . . anyone 40 or over that's still single have wounds, but with time, they can heal, if that's what they want.


This is really up to you. He sounds like he's worth it, but he may be a flight risk, so he may need more space to work out his issues and if you can give him that space where he can step back a bit, re evaluate and then take a few more steps forward into trust then it'll take time but it might be worth the wait. If it gets to the point where he just can't seem to step back in and he gets more and more distant then it may get really lonely for you and frustrating.


You seem to be someone whose very good at communicating with him and you don't let things build up, you handle it right now, which is really refreshing and healthy. So keep those great lines of communication open, but know when to step back and let him work things out for himself internally as well. Let him do more of coming to you and making that choice so he knows that you will be receptive to that.
 
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Alamediansong is offline Alamediansong Post #6  January 21,2009, 1:56pm
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Maybe it makes sense to consider more of his past then just his ex-wife? Also, what actions is he taking to deal with his problems? And I think the question about time is really important also. How long ago was the divorce?


For me, it would be normal to pull back a bit after a big change. I'd just need some time for introspection. This does not mean that I'm running away. Just examining my feelings and motivations.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #7  January 21,2009, 2:37pm
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I think time is needed. If I was with someone, and the only problem seemed to be psychological “damage” from prior relationships (but nothing that was hurting me), I think – at least I hope – that I would give the person time to heal.
 
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running404 is offline running404 Post #8  January 23,2009, 5:08pm
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Songryder,443574 wrote :

running404, wrote :


Let me give you a bit of background....I have been dating a great man for 4 months. He is divorced and his ex cheated on him causing the end of the marriage....this really hurt him and has caused him to have issues that have hindered his ability to get emotionally close to me. We have discussed this at length, we have built a very solid foundation through communication. We had no physical contact of any type....I was invited for the holidays to meet his family, I have met all of his close friends (the friends who all know his ex). We decided to get away for a weekend....the relationship moved to the next level.I was able to sense that he really pulled back after the weekend. We have talked about it and he says he thought he was ready to move the relationship to the next level but he's fighting old demons...fear, vulnerability and fear of hurting me or being hurt.


He is a wonderful man....worth the risk. Any input??


He's got some unresolved issues that are clearly getting in the way of his being fully intimate without reservations but we've all been burned . . . anyone 40 or over that's still single have wounds, but with time, they can heal, if that's what they want.


This is really up to you. He sounds like he's worth it, but he may be a flight risk, so he may need more space to work out his issues and if you can give him that space where he can step back a bit, re evaluate and then take a few more steps forward into trust then it'll take time but it might be worth the wait. If it gets to the point where he just can't seem to step back in and he gets more and more distant then it may get really lonely for you and frustrating.


You seem to be someone whose very good at communicating with him and you don't let things build up, you handle it right now, which is really refreshing and healthy. So keep those great lines of communication open, but know when to step back and let him work things out for himself internally as well. Let him do more of coming to you and making that choice so he knows that you will be receptive to that.
Thank you for your response and advice....he is seeing a counselor because this is a big issue for him. We have continued to talk about where he is and where I'm at as well. He is someone I'm willing to wait for and work through our issues. He has expressed his fear that I may walk away due to frustration. What we have built through open and honest communication is hard to find and I'm willing to wait for him. He did say that in the long run this may be a good thing because it will make us stronger. I had no idea that dating and relationships could be so heart wrenching at my age....
 
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running404 is offline running404 Post #9  January 23,2009, 5:12pm
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Alamediansong,443631 wrote :

Maybe it makes sense to consider more of his past then just his ex-wife? Also, what actions is he taking to deal with his problems? And I think the question about time is really important also. How long ago was the divorce?


For me, it would be normal to pull back a bit after a big change. I'd just need some time for introspection. This does not mean that I'm running away. Just examining my feelings and motivations.
We have talked about his past...and he has told me that emotions have always been tough for him. We do have excellent communication....I'm all about honesty and openess. He has asked me to be patient with him, expressed his concern that I may walk away due to frustration. I told him my fear was he would walk away out of fear. He said he would only walk away if he thought he were hurting me. I believe he is doing what you said examining his feelings and trying to figure things out. Thanks for your response!
 
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hopeful38 is offline hopeful38 Post #10  January 26,2009, 1:53pm
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I am in a very similair relationship with a man who is 49. He was in a relationship after his divorce that didn't work out and he was deeply hurt.He is still working through the feelings he had for this woman. We have been dating about 10 months and at times I've wanted to break things off with him because he can't/won't let me into his heart. But he is a wonderful man and I've never met anyone like him. We are very close and mean a lot to each other. The biggest problem is that I've fallen in love with him and he is so afraid of hurting me that sometimes he pushes me away. He's afraid he will never be able to love again and that he's dragging me down a painful path. I stay with him because I'm hopeful that he will be able to love again and find that love with me. Waiting is not easy and I don't know when and if I'll give up and move on.
 
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