guys ages 40-50 I need your input please!!


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DennisWisconsin is offline DennisWisconsin Post #11  January 26,2009, 2:32pm
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I have to echo most of what you've read here. I have a policy not to get involved with people just out of marraiges or serious relationships. It usually takes some conversation to figure out how much time they may need. There are so many variables. From my experience a year is a good amount of time.
 
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sleeplessinnyc is offline sleeplessinnyc Post #12  January 27,2009, 2:44am
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I can related asI'm in similar situation, just further down the road. It is extremely challenging to find your other half and when you do find someone of quality, the natural inclination is to do what is needed to make it work. Unfortunately, I can tell you from experience, it takes two. And no matter how much he may "want" to be there, it sounds like he needs time.


In my situation, he is still divorcing (at a snails pace) and while it was he decision to end his marriage, he still has so many unresolved issues to contend with. The catch here - HIS issues are now my to deal with too. And now that I've been seriously involved here for over 2 years, it is impossible for me to easily extract myself to give him the space he needs, at least not withoutcausingtremendous pain toBOTH of us.


I clearly see now that he needed that space to healbeforehe isready to truly commit. I wish someone had pulled me aside at the start and told me what to expect. So please let me tell you - it has been a rollarcoaster. The highs are amazing and the lows are painful at best. You invest so much into making it work and therer is zero way to determine how things will ultimately resolve.


My advice to you: before you get any deeper into the situation - take a long weekend break with yourself. Get away if at all possible. Use the time to mentally distance yourself so you can truly be objective about your priorities and do some soul searching. Assuming you come back knowing you wantto be withthis man, you need to clearlyset your boundaries.


Make it clear to him (and yourself!) thatyou care greatly about him, butalso need to protect yourself. Hold back from giving your all until he demonstrates he is fully there for you. This may sound old fashioned, but do not sleep with him untilyou knowhe has moved passed his prior relationship issue andthat he is fully there for you. FULLY THERE.


Also, don'tfool yourself into thinkingyou can fill in thegaps and "make it work". That may work temporarily, but it is not the solution. He needs spacenow to work through his issues, before youget involved.


My situation: I have tried to be the understanding one, but that only taught him that I would put up with his 'confustion' and gave him no reason to work through his issues to get to me. I truly believe it slowed down any progress he would have made hadI been a little lessgiving. By doing as I had done -you'd probably havetimes when the relationshipgoes wonderfully, butthen, without warning, there are likely to be moments ofdoubt when all of his fears and vulnerabilites surface. It is not his fault. It just means you can not skip steps and expect smooth results. Your man needs space to first resolve his issues, otherwise those issue become yours.


The best thing you can do in the interim, be his friend, stay close to him - just keep the boundaries clear.Give him only what he shows you he can give you. Keep your options open(ie date or at least be open to dating or fix ups) until you know he is really there.


Above all, remember how fast he gets there depends onhow comfortable he is in the present. No matter what he tells you -he needs to know he must do the work to resolve his issues to get you. Even the best manis likely to procrastinate if he has no reason to move forward. (ok - totally cliche, but its so true - "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.")
 
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KAQS is offline KAQS Post #13  November 11,2009, 10:44am
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excellent answer...
 
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