Ex Boyfriend still around..


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NewKId99 is offline NewKId99 Post #1  January 20,2009, 10:48am
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Been dating my woman for just about 8 months. Things between have been great. In fact, nothing really to complain about.


There is one thing that has been going on from the beginning that I need to either resolve or let go. The ex boyfriend still trys to contact her. She has never really mentioned him, but I know they still talk. In the beginning of the relationship, she said she still stays friends with her ex boyfriends.


At the time, before things got serious, I let it go. Now, some8 months later, I need to know what is really going on. Are they hanging out? Does she still have feeling toward him? Are they just friends?


In respect to her and our relationship, I have ceased contact with all EX's to avoid problems like this. She knows this.


At any rate, I would like to hear opinions on how to approach this problem and resolve it.
 
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sweetT is offline sweetT Post #2  January 20,2009, 10:57am
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I would say it staright out toher... tell her you feel uncomfortable about her being friends with her ex's. If she respects your feelings, she'll do something about it.


If she feels the need to still keep in contact... would it make you feel more comfortable to meet the guy? It might ease your mind to know that they really are just friends.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #3  January 20,2009, 11:00am
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Is their 'friendship' interferring with your relationship with this woman? ...Does she answer his phone calls/texts in front of you? ...Is there any reason whatsoever to believe that she's sneaking around behind your back with him?


It's entirely possible that she does, in fact, stay friends with her exes. None of us here can tell you whether she still has feelings towards him, but this should be apparent from her behavior about him. It's just aslikely that she's simply stringing him along, keeping him as a backup plan in case you and she doesn't work out. No way to know for sure.


I'd say, concentrate on your relationship with her and not worry about the ex. If she leaves you and goes back to him, there's probably not much you could do about it.
 
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Songryder is offline Songryder Post #4  January 20,2009, 11:02am
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NewKId99, wrote :

Been dating my woman for just about 8 months. Things between have been great. In fact, nothing really to complain about.


There is one thing that has been going on from the beginning that I need to either resolve or let go. The ex boyfriend still trys to contact her. She has never really mentioned him, but I know they still talk. In the beginning of the relationship, she said she still stays friends with her ex boyfriends.


At the time, before things got serious, I let it go. Now, some8 months later, I need to know what is really going on. Are they hanging out? Does she still have feeling toward him? Are they just friends?


In respect to her and our relationship, I have ceased contact with all EX's to avoid problems like this. She knows this.


At any rate, I would like to hear opinions on how to approach this problem and resolve it.
If you are in an exclusive realtionship with her then you have every right to know what's going on. Why is she hiding the fact that she either calls or meets with this guy. Why hasn't she introduced you to him so everyone gets that you're in a relationship with her and why haven't you two guys had a couple of beers together so you can get to know each other.


I'm of the opinion that friends of each person should never be kept away from the other person. They should be included in the relationship to celebrate it and become part of the fabric that supports the relationship. If she's hiding this guy, there's something wrong and you need to get to the bottom of it. You didn't overpower her or insist on this in the begining but she should have been the one to come foward and introduce you to any ex boyfriend she has contact with, so that she was expressing to them and to you that "you" are the person she is with.


This just boggles me no end when I read stuff like this. This is such an "of course" in my world. So look, get her on the same page as you are. It doesn't mean she can't hang out with this guy or talk to him every once in awhile, but you need to make sure her heart is where it should be and not scattered in all these ex boyfriends.
 
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WaterHound is offline WaterHound Post #5  January 20,2009, 11:22am
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sweetT,441466 wrote :

I would say it staright out toher... tell her you feel uncomfortable about her being friends with her ex's. If she respects your feelings, she'll do something about it.


If she feels the need to still keep in contact... would it make you feel more comfortable to meet the guy? It might ease your mind to know that they really are just friends.

+1 Right on.
 
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lizard47 is offline lizard47 Post #6  January 20,2009, 11:26am
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Since I am friends with an ex bf I have to say it can happen(I recently traveled to another state to help him and his mom with the funeral arrangements and such for his father). If she is keeping you away from this person then there is a problem, but anyone I date is welcome to have contact with him since he is more like a brother now than anything else.


I think too many times people feel threatened by the friendship rather than understanding that some people start as friends and can end as friends.
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #7  January 20,2009, 1:26pm
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It all comes down to how much do you trust her? The answer seems to be not as much as you would like.


The thing is, if this bothers you, than you talk to your girlfriend about it. If you are comfortable with the answers and trust her, then let it go. But if you are not comfortable, and think she's lying, then you have a problem.


The part about her wanting to keep him separate from you, I do not see as suspcious on its face value. Why? Are you truly comfortable being in the same room with someone who was as intimate, if not moreso than you with your girlfriend? I know it would creep me out and I rather not deal with that. Maybe she doesn't want to deal with the possible aftermath of that either.


My girlfriend is still in touch with her recent ex. Shoot, she even slept with him when we were broken up for a while. I'm not jealous. I'm not concerned she will get back together with him. Its something that is out of my control and will ALWAYS be out of my control. I like to think I will let it bother me when it becomes reality, but not before.


You need to trust your gut. Separate your gut from your insecurities. How does my gf assuage my insecurities about her ex, she tells me everything. She tells me if he contacts her. She tells me why. Depending on how well you know your girlfriend, you should be able to tell if she's nervous about telling you things about him. There should be no reason she should hide things from you if you ask.


And one more thing, you don't NEED to know what is going on. You want assurances that your relationship is true. Not the same thing. But ask yourself this. What kind of assurances will work for you? If the answer is only her cutting all contact with him, then I believe you're asking too much. Its because its a short jump from ex's to ANY male friends.
 
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gsugrad is offline gsugrad Post #8  January 20,2009, 6:42pm
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Have you met the gut in question? Does your girl seem to act weird after talking to him or spending time with the guy? Is she less affectionalte with you? Does whe not want to talk or spend time with you? If so, she may be having an affair, and withdraws from contact with you.


However it does notsound from what you present that there is a problem. I am friends withmy last ex bf and we have a goodsolid friendship after the breakup.


Do you have any reason to think she is lying at all, I mean she told you about her being friends with te guy 8 months ago. You can trust her,talk to her aboutit again, or spy on her. If you are still uneasy about it all, then just hirea PI to follow her around. Better yet call the show cheaters. They will surely get to the bottom of things!
 
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itsbits is offline itsbits Post #9  January 20,2009, 7:05pm
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Dafearon,441705 wrote :

It all comes down to how much do you trust her? The answer seems to be not as much as you would like.


The thing is, if this bothers you, than you talk to your girlfriend about it. If you are comfortable with the answers and trust her, then let it go. But if you are not comfortable, and think she's lying, then you have a problem.


The part about her wanting to keep him separate from you, I do not see as suspcious on its face value. Why? Are you truly comfortable being in the same room with someone who was as intimate, if not moreso than you with your girlfriend? I know it would creep me out and I rather not deal with that. Maybe she doesn't want to deal with the possible aftermath of that either.


My girlfriend is still in touch with her recent ex. Shoot, she even slept with him when we were broken up for a while. I'm not jealous. I'm not concerned she will get back together with him. Its something that is out of my control and will ALWAYS be out of my control. I like to think I will let it bother me when it becomes reality, but not before.


You need to trust your gut. Separate your gut from your insecurities. How does my gf assuage my insecurities about her ex, she tells me everything. She tells me if he contacts her. She tells me why. Depending on how well you know your girlfriend, you should be able to tell if she's nervous about telling you things about him. There should be no reason she should hide things from you if you ask.


And one more thing, you don't NEED to know what is going on. You want assurances that your relationship is true. Not the same thing. But ask yourself this. What kind of assurances will work for you? If the answer is only her cutting all contact with him, then I believe you're asking too much. Its because its a short jump from ex's to ANY male friends.
Dude, what? She slept with her ex-boyfriend, now friend when you guys were broken up and you don't think that's an issue for your relationship with her. True ex's don't sleep together..they move to friendship. I appreciate the strength you think you are exhibiting by being so cool about your situation, but I think you're just hiding from the truth of your situation.


Ex's don't sleep together and they don't have special secret relationships. If they do, then the relationship you have with your PARTNER isn't as solid as you'd like to think. period.
 
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itsbits is offline itsbits Post #10  January 20,2009, 7:13pm
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NewKId99, wrote :

Been dating my woman for just about 8 months. Things between have been great. In fact, nothing really to complain about.


There is one thing that has been going on from the beginning that I need to either resolve or let go. The ex boyfriend still trys to contact her. She has never really mentioned him, but I know they still talk. In the beginning of the relationship, she said she still stays friends with her ex boyfriends.


At the time, before things got serious, I let it go. Now, some8 months later, I need to know what is really going on. Are they hanging out? Does she still have feeling toward him? Are they just friends?


In respect to her and our relationship, I have ceased contact with all EX's to avoid problems like this. She knows this.


At any rate, I would like to hear opinions on how to approach this problem and resolve it.
You have a genuine issue in your relationship. I hear quite a few people say they stayed "friends" with their ex's. But, when you really look at that friendship..it's not the same as a true friendship with someone. When relationships are over, they are over and each party moves on. Not to say that you can't be polite to them at a party if you are at the same party. But you don't go out and hang out and have recurring phone calls. If you're not in a relationship, then maybe that's different. But, I've found the people who want both sides of the coin just tend to be selfish. Not the people who want to keep all relationships will tell you, you are being selfish to not want them to have such a close relationship with an ex. But, if a relationship is really RIGHT, the other party has no real intersest in maintaining the past. They can truely get all they need from their partner (in terms of opposite sex partners).


I think you are listening to your gut and saying, this isn't right. If she's not willing to be your partner, I'd want to know that up front. In the beginning, you really should have understood that you'd have this problem down the road and obviously, you knew that. It turns out to be your move. Talk to her, tell her what you feel, and most importantly listen. She'll tell you. Don't argue just listen. Walk away, digest what she said and see if you can live with it. If not, wish her well. If she leaves and comes back she's yours. If she doesn't, you never had her.
 
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