How much "ex" contact is too much - especially when he can't move forward?


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Hopeful_09 is offline Hopeful_09 Post #1  January 16,2009, 7:30am
Hopeful_09's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jan 2009

Posts: 2

See profile



I have been dating great guy for 6 months. We share all the things I desire in a partner: character, shared interests and values, friendship, affection and chemistry.


We spend alot of time together and talk throughout the day by phone/text. It feels like a serious relationship, but he says he is not ready to tell me he wants the relationship to progress beyond what we have.


Furthermore, he talks to his ex frequently and makes himself available to help her whenever she has a problem. He says she is an important friend that he cares about. He feels like he "needs" to look after her. He has also said he is "hung up" on her. He talked about her alot when we first started dating. He has even expressed his frustration that she only calls when she needs something. This has subsided but I believe its only because I told him it made me uncomfortable at this stage in our relationship. I think its an unhealthy co-dependent relationship, but he refuses to let go.


I am at a point where I at least need to know we both want the relationship to evolve toward a long-term relationship. I am not asking for an engagement, just assurance that we have the same goals.


I would be patient if he needed more time to heal from the past, but I feel like he needs to distance himself from her if that is ever going to happen.


I feel like I have been more than fair, but I dont want to enable this situation any longer. Am I rushing or being too patient?
 
  Reply With Quote
jayjay is offline jayjay Post #2  January 16,2009, 7:46am
jayjay's Avatar

...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

Sage

Joined: Jun 2008

Brownsville, TX

Posts: 10,932

See profile



Tough situation. It sounds like, even in his own words, he's still 'hung up' on his ex and hasn't gotten over her. That being the case....I think what he would really need is to have no contact with her for an extended period of time. I can relate to his feeling of wanting to help or take care of his ex. This was the most difficult thing for me to get over after my divorce. Especially because my ex became irresponsible with money, has no family in the U.S. etc. I can still have some feelings of guilt over no longer 'taking care' of her. However, I recognize that this is no longer my role or responsibility so this kind of feeling doesn't guide my actions. I'm afraid this man you describe sounds like he really would like to get back together with his ex if he could. Not a very good situation or relationship for you to get into with him. Seriously, some people can drag on in a situation like that for years....always pining to get back together.
 
  Reply With Quote
Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #3  January 16,2009, 7:52am
Dafearon's Avatar

Veteran

Joined: Jul 2008

Maryland

Posts: 2,181

See profile



I believe too much ex contact is when that contact interferes with the current relationship. But you know the answer to many questions that will be asked about this contact because he's told you. He's still hung up on his ex. He probably is still in love with her, but it probably ahs no where to go because more than likely, she does not want to get back together with him.


The assurances you want are well within your rights. You've been together for 6 months, which is enough time to figure out what you watn out of each other for the time being.


The thing is, your boyfriend has to find out what he wants. To do so, you have to be brave and strong enough to let him go if he needs that. The problem is that he can't use you as a holding place. You may have to leave him to let him sort it out himself.


He has to put the relationship with his ex to rest. You have to make him see that eventually, there will be a choice that needs to be made. Don't force him to make a choice now, but let him know that a choice will need to be made at some point.
 
  Reply With Quote
lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #4  January 16,2009, 7:58am
lil_lamb's Avatar

Veteran

Joined: Dec 2008

california

Posts: 1,364

See profile



he's hung up. if they were married, tho, i wouldn't call it co-dependency. whatever it says on paper, they're still married.
 
  Reply With Quote
WaterHound is offline WaterHound Post #5  January 16,2009, 8:19am
WaterHound's Avatar

is discovering the variety of life.

Pacesetter

Joined: Aug 2008

CT

Posts: 267

See profile



Until he can put your wishes before hers, the your relationship with him is going nowhere you want it to. Be clear to him about your feelings. feelings are not good or bad. See how he reacts to your feelings. If he does not move to salve them, then you have confirmation he does not care about your relationship. Time to move on. Sorry, but that's life. Go find a guy who wants to promote good feelings inside you.
 
  Reply With Quote
MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #6  January 16,2009, 9:11am
MelinCali's Avatar

is moving!

Power Poster

Joined: Nov 2008

Earth

Posts: 8,113

See profile

Hopeful_09, wrote :

I have been dating great guy for 6 months. We share all the things I desire in a partner: character, shared interests and values, friendship, affection and chemistry.


We spend alot of time together and talk throughout the day by phone/text. It feels like a serious relationship, but he says he is not ready to tell me he wants the relationship to progress beyond what we have.


Furthermore, he talks to his ex frequently and makes himself available to help her whenever she has a problem. He says she is an important friend that he cares about. He feels like he "needs" to look after her. He has also said he is "hung up" on her. He talked about her alot when we first started dating. He has even expressed his frustration that she only calls when she needs something. This has subsided but I believe its only because I told him it made me uncomfortable at this stage in our relationship. I think its an unhealthy co-dependent relationship, but he refuses to let go.


I am at a point where I at least need to know we both want the relationship to evolve toward a long-term relationship. I am not asking for an engagement, just assurance that we have the same goals.


I would be patient if he needed more time to heal from the past, but I feel like he needs to distance himself from her if that is ever going to happen.


I feel like I have been more than fair, but I dont want to enable this situation any longer. Am I rushing or being too patient?
I'm sorry to hear about your situation Hopeful. You are neither rushing nor too patient. You are in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable for you. It sounds like you have a nice friendship and he has not grieved the relationship with his ex and moved on. I am divorced and still very good friends with my ex and speak to him weekly. He is an important friend that I still care about immensely too--but I can tell you that processing the emotions of a breakup and being ready to share a relationship with someone else does not leave a person still hung up on their ex and hoping for him or her to call more when the only contact seems to be when they want something. It sounds like he is not ready to let go of his feelings for her, which means he can't move forward with you.


You haven't said how long it was since their relationship ended and yours began, but it sounds like you are the rebound girlfriend and he is in your relationship for the comfort and companionship you share. You deserve to find someone who is ready and capable to love you back one day, but I don't think it sounds like he will be able to do that any time soon if ever.
 
  Reply With Quote
BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #7  January 16,2009, 9:46am
BikerBeagle's Avatar

thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

Virtuoso

Joined: Aug 2008

Kansas

Posts: 2,548

See profile

MelinCali,434343 wrote :

I'm sorry to hear about your situation Hopeful. You are neither rushing nor too patient. You are in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable for you. It sounds like you have a nice friendship and he has not grieved the relationship with his ex and moved on. I am divorced and still very good friends with my ex and speak to him weekly. He is an important friend that I still care about immensely too--but I can tell you that processing the emotions of a breakup and being ready to share a relationship with someone else does not leave a person still hung up on their ex and hoping for him or her to call more when the only contact seems to be when they want something. It sounds like he is not ready to let go of his feelings for her, which means he can't move forward with you.


You haven't said how long it was since their relationship ended and yours began, but it sounds like you are the rebound girlfriend and he is in your relationship for the comfort and companionship you share. You deserve to find someone who is ready and capable to love you back one day, but I don't think it sounds like he will be able to do that any time soon if ever.
+1
 
  Reply With Quote
Hopeful_09 is offline Hopeful_09 Post #8  January 16,2009, 10:44am
Hopeful_09's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jan 2009

Posts: 2

See profile

MelinCali,434343 wrote :

Hopeful_09, wrote :


I have been dating great guy for 6 months. We share all the things I desire in a partner: character, shared interests and values, friendship, affection and chemistry.


We spend alot of time together and talk throughout the day by phone/text. It feels like a serious relationship, but he says he is not ready to tell me he wants the relationship to progress beyond what we have.


Furthermore, he talks to his ex frequently and makes himself available to help her whenever she has a problem. He says she is an important friend that he cares about. He feels like he "needs" to look after her. He has also said he is "hung up" on her. He talked about her alot when we first started dating. He has even expressed his frustration that she only calls when she needs something. This has subsided but I believe its only because I told him it made me uncomfortable at this stage in our relationship. I think its an unhealthy co-dependent relationship, but he refuses to let go.


I am at a point where I at least need to know we both want the relationship to evolve toward a long-term relationship. I am not asking for an engagement, just assurance that we have the same goals.


I would be patient if he needed more time to heal from the past, but I feel like he needs to distance himself from her if that is ever going to happen.


I feel like I have been more than fair, but I dont want to enable this situation any longer. Am I rushing or being too patient?


I'm sorry to hear about your situation Hopeful. You are neither rushing nor too patient. You are in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable for you. It sounds like you have a nice friendship and he has not grieved the relationship with his ex and moved on. I am divorced and still very good friends with my ex and speak to him weekly. He is an important friend that I still care about immensely too--but I can tell you that processing the emotions of a breakup and being ready to share a relationship with someone else does not leave a person still hung up on their ex and hoping for him or her to call more when the only contact seems to be when they want something. It sounds like he is not ready to let go of his feelings for her, which means he can't move forward with you.


You haven't said how long it was since their relationship ended and yours began, but it sounds like you are the rebound girlfriend and he is in your relationship for the comfort and companionship you share. You deserve to find someone who is ready and capable to love you back one day, but I don't think it sounds like he will be able to do that any time soon if ever.
Unfortunately, my instincts are telling me "if ever" is most likely. How sad.


Thanks for your thoughts.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Do I have any right to bud in? Is this any of my business? | Relationships | So many relationships are falling apart because of ... »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Absolutely not. I have no idea why allowing gays to marry would affect anyone's lives, unless they're sexually insecure about themselves.” –  sun73

Join the “Did our President give up the election for a single issue?” discussion

“I learned that the woman's communication style has to fit mine or else it won't work.” –  sun73

Join the “Why do 40 yr olds still play games?” discussion

“Here's where to email if you think a match might be a fraud: matchconcerns@eharmony.com . Tell them the match's name and location so they can find them. If what's making you suspicious is an email ... ” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Match from another country...is he a "fraud"?” discussion

“I know you clarified you just want a general opinion on when people bring this subject up, but I'm going to give you both that and also what I believe you should do. The general idea most of the ... ” –  Herkemer

Join the “When is it time to discuss your position on having kids?” discussion

“And that's a very valid point. I get the feeling that eHarmony is keeping their price high to show they they are not cheap and therefore, their members are serious.It seems to me that combining the ... ” –  MicMan

Join the “Free Communication Weekend” discussion

“How long have you all been on EH? Thanks for the advice. I signed on in late April 2012 but have been on other dating sites in the past.” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “New Here” discussion

“The only one that bothers me is the "they weren't his kids so meh ..." But there could be a whole world of story behind that. Like "she dumped me and it was painful and I hated losing the kids in ... ” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 11:19am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0