First of all, I’m very sorry to hear about your friends turning out to be such let downs for you. I know it doesn’t feel very good to have to deal with that.


As far as your friends needing to be romantically involved at near panic level goes… well… my mother often told me while growing up to watch out … that there are some people who are just addicted to excitement.


When I asked her what she meant by that (finally, one day) she explained; Some people are so dead inside… or they feel so empty inside … that they seek out excitement, to feel alive again.


- Drama in other words.


Not excitement as in going to a concert or having a girls night out and doing something fun… obviously.. But a negative kind of excitement. It's not love, she explained. They may think their in love but it's the addiction to excitement; the challenge or conflict of trying to get the guy to love them. The challenge or conflict is usually another woman, btw.


The one friend or relative of yours you mentioned in your post was married for over a year before you ever even knew she was re-married?


That’s a living a double life, wouldn’t you say? And living a double life is a form of negative excitement.


I too, have a friend who was married for over a year and half before she told me that she had married.


When ever I talk to her on the phone (which isn’t often, anymore ) it seems like she’s always in tears but she doesn’t say why. I started doing a little checking and started realizing that she is a person of mystery and I don’t really know her very well at all.


I like her as a person… but I have to put her on the third rung tier of friendship….so to speak. Meaning, I realize now she is more of an acquaintance than a close friend.


Sincere friendships are like treasured jewels. They are rare and hard to find but once found they are something to keep close and will light up one’s life.


Insincere friendships are a dime for two-dozen.


What sincere person has a major life changing event like getting married and doesn’t share with their close friends?


But instead keeps that secret?


Pretty big secret to keep, how can you even be sure of your friends last name? The very basic simple stuff like that?…


It hurt my feelings that my friend got married and didn’t even tell me. What’s more is that I went down memory lane and now realize that she and the man she married stopped by my place just before they went to Vegas -


1. I asked her jokingly, Vegas? Are you two getting married ? And she said No. Nothing like that, it was just a weekend trip.


I didn’t think that much of it because she was coming out of a bad relationship and not really dating this guy. He was a friend of hers that she hadn’t known that long.


2. But he asked her if she wanted to ask me to come along and she said no. That didn’t feel good even though the whole thing was spur of the moment, however, she re-iterated it was just a weekend trip and made like it was no big deal.


3. My friend, has been living with at least one different last name for the last 3 years and I just recently discovered it on Google.


The magic in life happens when memories are made by things that are shared with friends and loved ones. Just because you have been a good friend to them, doesn’t mean that they are good friends of yours.


You deserve better.


Come to think of it, so do I. Good luck to us both in our hunt for new true friends.





P.S. On the relative that re-married ... you can ask if she is substituting or confusing excitement for love... if the thrill of excitement in her relationship is what makes her feel alive.... but it's probably something she will spend most of her life playing out over and over again until she finds her own healing, finds God or figures out why she chooses the relationships she does.


It doesn't hurt to ask, next time you run into her...but I wouldn't go nuts banging my head against a brick wall..so to speak. Expect a brick wall response.


We all do the best we can understand. Maybe one day she'll understand better.... maybe.





Peace to your soul

I'm sorry to hear about your friends. I hope that one day they may learn to prioritize everyone in their life so that everything doesn't revolve around having a date in their life. It really is sad to see all the relationship hopping before even taking to heart some time to just enjoy being single and to reflect or grow.


I've been in that situation with friends too...both female and male. Some people just drop your friendship when they are in a relationship...you hear from them if their date isn't available. I see these type of people as flaky and try to keep them at a distance.


Personally i think it all boils down to priorities...I prefer to balance mine and put each of the dear people in my life at the top as needed.

As a recovering "love" addict, I can relate to this post. The people you are concerned about are truly enmeshed in love addiction, unable to connect to their true self because of it. The patterns and behaviors are classic. Usually with people suffering from this addiction, there has been a trauma of some sort, whether it be abuse (sexual, verbalor physical, abandonment or something else). They may not even be aware of their dilemma! Therefore you need to tread carefully with your approach.


If the situation arises where either party starts to lament over their problems with relationships you can refer them to SLAA. It is a twelve step program! Yes, they actually have a 12 step program for Sex & Love Addicts! When they sick and tired of being sick and tired, this is the place to go. I suggest that you not force this on them because they are probably not ready to hear it. But you can refer gently and firmly to them when the situation arises. In the meantime, check it out yourself to give you a better insight into this often ignored addiction. The best advice you can give them is to seek professional counseling in their journey to recovery. Sometimes traumas are so far hidden or ignored. It could be a shocking experience to discover what it is that has caused so much misery.


When one learns to love themselves, and is comfortable with being alone, then they are healthy enough to choose healthy partners. It'sa tough road to accepting yourself and forgiving those that have hurt you, but as was told to me...it's the one addiction that can be cured!


Kudos to you for being a good friend and asking for advice from others!


K

YES, YES, YES........ I confess, I now have 4 Girlfriends that I am actually dating through eH. I'm over 65 and they are all in that same age bracket. They would alltell youthey are having an enjoyable relationship with me and life is good. I will eventually pick one... as the one I will settle down with, however I'm taking this winter and maybe most of next summer to choose which one is the most compatible with me. Fortuanately, none live even in the same state, so I'm able to pull this off. I have not been a good compatible Woman picker in the past, and I really want to get it right this time around. That's why I'm using eH. My close friends think I'm a relationship addict, however, I think it's about time that I"m thinking about, 'who's best for me the rest of my life," and look over whats available out there, instead of making a quick non-trial decision. I really think one has to actually live with someone to see if they are compatible or not, especially at my age. Of course, itworks both ways. so, I say nothing wrong with being a relationship addict if its for a final choice.

I mostly find these stories incredulous to be honest - simply because it takes me so bloody long to find anyone worth being in a relationship with! I don't know if I could find men "back to back" to forge relationships with, even if I wanted to!


But I guess that's the key - people like this probably aren't being choosy, they just don't like being alone, like has been said here already.


I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't push my buttons.