Engaged to an Addict - What are my options?


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eliz1111 is offline eliz1111 Post #1  January 8,2009, 12:01am
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We met on eharmony and fell in love, moved in, and now engaged. We use to have fun drinking and smoking together (weed). I look back and see I was an enabler. I hid the severity from family and friends (trips to ER when he got sick from drinking, losing money at the race track, etc.).


His family and mine had an intervention this past summer. He took it seriously and we got engaged. Everything seemed fine even though the addiction was still there with smoking and gambling. He works for his dad which makes it worse since he doesn't think he has anything to lose with his behavior.


Holidays were horriblebecause he thought he could start the drinking again with his perscription pill thattakes awayhispain from drinking beer, wine.He's become verbally abusive toward me. I'm desperately afraid that he is too stubborn to want to change. He doesn't think anything is wrong and when I say we need counseling, AA/Al Anon, he argues with me.


What should I do? I'm so in love, planning a wedding and obviously in denial. Anyone know a good therapist in LA.
 
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peg099 is offline peg099 Post #2  January 8,2009, 12:33am
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You can't 'make him' get help or sober up. The only person you can help is yourself. I would suggest you put your wedding plans on hold and go to Al-Anon regardless of whether he goes to AA. Al-Anon is for YOU, not for him. Some people are able to function in a relationship with an active addict, though most are not. But in the end, the only person who can make that decision is you. Al-Anon is a resource that can help you sort out what you need to do for YOURSELF, and provide you with the support of others who have been through a similar experience. Whatvere you do,postpone the wedding until you have sorted this out. Would you be ok if he never stopped drinking? Because unless you come to the conclusion that you would be,you shouldn't get married. Going into a marriage expecting someone to change isn't fair to either one of you.


Good luck!
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #3  January 8,2009, 4:59am
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Take it from someone with experience, you need to postpone the wedding. I know it's embarassing to publicly admit you have doubts, but the alternative is years of stress, fear and worse. Not to mention the effect on any kids you might have someday.


Things do not get better when you are married to an alcoholic or an addict. The only way they would is if the person gets help and sticks with it. That doesn't sound like what you are saying. Peg's right. You can't fix or change him. Only he can do that.


Wish I could be more positive and say things will be just fine, that he's just stressed out right now, but I can't. I was married to an alcoholic for 13 years, and there will always be stress, and there will always be substance abuse, unless they handle their issues BEFORE you get married.


Let him know it needs to be fixed, and proven with the test of time, before you can marry him. If he loves you, he'll understand that. If he can't give up the addictions, at least you know where you stand and can move on.


Sorry you have to go through this.
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #4  January 8,2009, 6:30am
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Youwill never be able to change his habits. Until he is ready to seek help and listento his doctors and therapist he is a hopeless lost cause. My stepfather died from alcoholism. He would listen to anyone. It was not until he could no longer walk that his choices hit home. My mother watched himwaste away. He was not uneducated either. Although he lied to everyone about completing college a friend discovered the truth and told my mother who verified it by calling the university.


My advice is cut bait and run in this case. Life is too precious to deal with someone who is an addict and apparently does not care about himself enough to clean up his act.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #5  January 8,2009, 6:45am
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RUN FORREST, RUN !!!
 
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greeneyedkitten is offline greeneyedkitten Post #6  January 8,2009, 6:53am
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DISENGAGE!!!


Chawks is spot on. Read, assimilate and then heed her advice.


I, too, was married to an alcoholic. At first the abuse is verbal, but it can easily and quite quickly escalate to violence or physical abuse.


~Yvonne
 
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whitetip is offline whitetip Post #7  January 8,2009, 7:10am
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tweet37,420244 wrote :

RUN FORREST, RUN !!!
I agree!! You're insane if you marry this person.
 
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whitetip is offline whitetip Post #8  January 8,2009, 7:20am
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chawks64,420159 wrote :

Things do not get better when you are married to an alcoholic or an addict. The only way they would is if the person gets help and sticks with it. That doesn't sound like what you are saying. Peg's right. You can't fix or change him. Only he can do that. Let him know it needs to be fixed, and proven with the test of time, before you can marry him. If he loves you, he'll understand that. If he can't give up the addictions, at least you know where you stand and can move on.
+1
 
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BENTHEREDUNTHAT is offline BENTHEREDUNTHAT Post #9  January 8,2009, 7:52am
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eliz1111, wrote :


We met on eharmony and fell in love, moved in, and now engaged. We use to have fun drinking and smoking together (weed). I look back and see I was an enabler. I hid the severity from family and friends (trips to ER when he got sick from drinking, losing money at the race track, etc.).


His family and mine had an intervention this past summer. He took it seriously and we got engaged. Everything seemed fine even though the addiction was still there with smoking and gambling. He works for his dad which makes it worse since he doesn't think he has anything to lose with his behavior.


Holidays were horriblebecause he thought he could start the drinking again with his perscription pill thattakes awayhispain from drinking beer, wine.He's become verbally abusive toward me. I'm desperately afraid that he is too stubborn to want to change. He doesn't think anything is wrong and when I say we need counseling, AA/Al Anon, he argues with me.


What should I do? I'm so in love, planning a wedding and obviously in denial. Anyone know a good therapist in LA.


I am speaking from my own personal experience. I am married to a man similar to what you depict. I did not drink or smoke weed or anything like thatwith him, but I was his enabler for years. I was the sole breadwinner for the household...until my father finally spoke up3 years ago,which must have got him thinking about employment. We "dated" for 2 years prior to an engagement and marriage. Upon engagement, although what I told him never materialized (He had to go through AODA Treatment and stay sober a year, he had to keep employment for a year, he had to choose between me or his ex, etc and I had to do a few things for myself), we ended up getting married. The "addictions" are powerful. And if the individual is not really the one who wants to make the life changes required to stay away from the "addictions"...what you experience will continue and more than likely, his behavior will get worse and worse. My husband is a very manipulative, dishonest, abusive, and the best "car salesman aka bullshitter"you'd ever meet. His sweet charming times, turned to me having to choose between life and death. This was the most difficult thing I ever had to do. But, for not only me, but the kids, I had to make a choice. One thing you might do to see if this is really love...try to separate your feelings (emotions)from the facts(behaviors) and do a pros and cons list of marriage to this manand a pros and cons list of not marriage to this man. Evaluate and see how he fits or does not fit into your long term life goals in life. Do what is best for you. Try and leave what everyone else thinks is best. You know yourself best, and what is best for you.


I thought that I "hid" things from my family,friends, and employer very well. To my amazement, they seen through all the bruises,injuries, etc.Although Inever lied directly for him, I always minimized what was happening for my own reasons.His parents and family think thathe isGOD!That's ok to.God has seeneverything this man has done to me.Things began as you shared as we use toshare some common interests...ie...I'm a sports fanatic...and he was able to "tag" along and enjoy, since alcohol was involved.


And in the end...divorce is the only option for me and the kids. Why??? He's married to the alcohol!My husband'sverbal abuse turned to physical abuse


It is a tough journey when a couple makes the committment to get married, but even more so when you have "barriers" and "hurdles" to overcome like an addiction.


And just my personal opinion...RUN! The faster the better. You should know that love is patient, love is kind...love does not hurt.
 
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Cyclist_Steve is offline Cyclist_Steve Post #10  January 8,2009, 8:46am
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eliz1111, wrote :

What should I do? I'm so in love, planning a wedding and obviously in denial. Anyone know a good therapist in LA.
take care of yourself. set boundaries on what you will accept in terms of behavior. make a decision if you want to join him on this trip to the bottom, where he may/may not skid along for years and years before the inevitable happens - or he decides he has had enough, and changes.


denial is to ignore reality.


it's your choice whetherto engage in the chaos - or detach with love. those are your options as i see them.
 
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